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Everything posted by howlieowl

  1. hi 1334 and welcome to AS. Im very sorry for what has happened to you. I want you to know there is tremendous support here for you to help with your healing. I wish you much comfort, love, and peace in your healing journey.
  2. I appreciate the kind words, the support, and the understanding. I try my hardest to honor my feelings, respect the healing process. I guess it the conditioning Im trying to undo. The constant blaming and guilt can wear on me. Working on connecting the heart and mind to release things as my therapist advised but Im not ready yet. Out of words. Just thank you.
  3. I'm trying to understand and come to accept that I truly only have a one real best friend. I'm also trying to understand and accept that I don't have a family. Yes, I have a family I was born into but I have never considered anyone my real family. I was so very different from all of them. I cry when I'm hurt, they don't. They see tears as weakness and I was verbally and physically abused because I cried and I cried because I was being bullied. I loved to draw, my birth mother considered this a means to profit off of and also forced me to draw for my abuser instead of it just letting it be my gift for me. I liked to dance when I was a kid, but when two adults and your younger family members gang up on you and tease you, it broke me. I rarely dance now. I liked to sing when I was younger, but my birth mother today me "shut the f*** up". I only sing by myself now. I was told by my birth mother to come and talk to her about anything. Any time I said the truth, particularly my sexual abuse, I got nothing or I got beat. I say birth mother or father because these are the people who gave birth to me but biology doesn't make them my real mother or father. Being loving to your child, protecting your child, building them up, supporting them, encouraging them in a positive manner. Those are qualities of a good mother and father. I was not loved, I wasn't protected, I was torn down, I was never supported or encouraged. Some say you had food, shelter, and clothes on your back. Monkeys provide more love to their children than some humans, mine included. I had a best friend, one that I loved more than anyone. Was there for her when her father died. When my grandmother (who was the only one to truly love me) died, she wasn't there, at all. Her mother treated me like a daughter, I lost her along with my former best friend. So what does my family look like, it's my wife. I speak of her so much because she is my best friend. Almost 12 years and she has given me more love then I have ever experienced before in my life. I have shared my complete past with her and she has loved me even more. I have been grateful and unworthy of her love. But, I know she is all I have. I know what love is logically, but this relationship is the first time I've experienced true love since I was a child. So, she is my family. The only one I recognize...ever. One thing I look forward to are true, honest, loyal, loving friends. I can't wait to meeting them...
  4. im sorry for what has brought your here. you will find tremendous amount of support from so many people. i wish you much luck on your journey in healing.
  5. welcome ressa. i am sorry for what has brought you here but know you are not alone here. you are amongst survivors who are so very supportive of each other. i hope being here will help in some way with your healing.
  6. I havent written in a while. My mind has been other places. Lately Ive been too afraid to read post from anyone. Its like seeing the words from others' stories, seeing my story, Ive not had the courage. Sure, Ive gone about my daily busy, socialized, laughed, joked around. But, I am very proficient at hiding my feelings from my past. Often times, the only way to know Im bothered is the fact that I get quiet but even then, Im a quiet person by nature. My memories have been on my mind, my feelings of guilt, wondering why didnt I do this or that. Ive been rolling without a therapist for over a year now. Like to say Im doing better and I guess in a way I am. See, Ive been using these crystals to help me and I can say they have worked. But, I stopped using them because what happened to me is all I think about, the stories Ive read is all I think about. So, Ive stayed away hoping to lessen things, get my head back in a positive space so I can do for others as they are doing for me. One more step forward...
  7. going to bed late again, waking up often again, waking up early in the morning...again. does it end? *sigh*

    1. howlieowl


      and im sorry you're going through the same Me. though im tired of it, i hope one day we survivors can have that peaceful sleep.

    2. Hawkgirl


      I'm not a fan either.  I didn't go to sleep until 6:45 this morning.  Slept for 3 hours and now I am back to 21 hour days.  

    3. howlieowl


      Im sorry your not sleeping as well Hawk:(. Sending comforting Zzzzzs your way for some relaxing sleep in your future.:sleepy:

    4. Show next comments  6 more
  8. as i grow older (and wiser) i come to see the power of unity, love, and smiling more. can change my day one smile at a time.

  9. hello blub and welcome to AS. i am sorry for what has brought you here but, i hope you find all the support anyone can ask for here. there are great people that lend awesome guidance and smiles. know your not alone here, we believe you and support you.
  10. hi cali girl, I'm glad you found the site. I hope you find awesome support here that will help you on your continued healing process.
  11. trying to find the energy to sleep but too afraid to close my eyes right now.

    1. howlieowl


      @Painnbrokenonly got about 5hrs but i still woke up in the mind of it. *sigh* thanks for sitting with pain. hope you get some type rest as well.

    2. howlieowl


      @limbodante thanks for sitting with me limbo. it is the worse.

    3. Painnbroken


      You're welcome  I will hopefully soon.  Thank you

    4. Show next comments  6 more
  12. So today started good but ended bad for me. Since jointing this site, I’ve opened myself up to release memories and emotions I’ve always found a way to avoid. Mentally I’ve been all over the place, not balanced. My wife has been loving and patient with me for almost 12 years (something I am forever grateful for) but I still struggle being intimate with her. I’m in a constant state of being triggered. I have a safe word when I have a flashback but I’ve been so stuck with fear and disappointment I don’t say anything. I sometimes wish she would move on from me, find someone with less problems. For so long in my past I resolved myself to being alone because of this issues. Why does she stay with me? What does she see in me to make her stay? I feel all I do is let her down when it comes to this aspect of our relationship. *deep sigh* Its hard to explain to the person you love that I feel dirty at the moment or I feel like throwing up when you touch me. Trying to explain its not YOU that makes me feel this way, just memories. Its not that she won’t understand, I just feel too vulnerable to tell her. I know I owe her honesty, but how do I find the words in the moment through the tears and pain?
  13. hello mindfulness, welcome. i very sorry for what brought you here. i understand things are tough right now and i wish they werent. im glad youre here to get the supportt thats offered here. i truly hope you find healing here.
  14. welcome Bobbi. i hope you find some comfort on this site to help with your healing. your not alone in your struggle and your growth and your healing.
  15. thank you for kind words and support hawk. im learning that it is a constant uphill battle to heal. im just stumbling so much lately, but i havent stopped climbing. all i can say is thank you, thank you so much for believing in me. (smiling through tears)
  16. thank you for the welcome struggling.
  17. Day after telling my story, I feel somber. A little relief, sadness, heartache, freeing, anger, numbness. I always feel the numbness and anger the most. It's the easiest emotions to tap into when I don't want to think about what happened to me. I have this place called my "happy place". I can be whoever I want and do whatever I want. I'm not here in this world relieving my abuse over and over again. I've lived in this world for so long, I fall into it more than living in reality. It's so safe there, everyone loves me, I'm protected, most of the time I'm protecting someone. Life is easy there. I create my own struggles but ones I know I can beat and come out a better person. I can get revenge in my happy place, the wrong can be righted. This has been my coping method. Yes, I draw, read, work out, even do yoga and meditate to stop the chatter and memories. But, going to my happy place is my first choice. Because it has been such a part of me, I can see now how it is preventing me from facing my past. When things are too much in life, stressors from work, conflict with customer service reps, anything, I fall into my happy place. I now have to find a way to deal with these stressors in a healthier way but how? My method is easier but it's also hurting me. In everyday life (reality), going off into my head doesn't help me manage stress, I'm just avoiding it. So, I guess my next step after opening myself up about my abuse is to find a different coping skill. One that will allow me to face things without running and hiding and numbing myself to anything and everything. I know I will run often to start with and fall into old habits, I'm realistic about my faults. But, I truly want to try. I want to have simple relationships with people again. Got to start somewhere.
  18. So, I'm at a place of limbo. Its been 20 years since my sexual abuse. I've been in and out of therapy, I've tried talking with so-called family members, my wife. I won't say that talking with my wife hasn't been helpful, but I'm stuck. I've been through so many ups and downs, more downs but through it all I've tried to be as positive as I can be. I've been very afraid of doing thing like group therapy, which is sort of how I view this site. Afraid I would read other stories and get trapped in my past memories again. How would I view my past compared to others? Is my trauma any less than others? Why do I even need to compare it to anyone? There are so many things running through my head, my heart, burned on my soul. I'm trying to balance the emotions I'm feeling now with the emotions from my past. Those moments when I feel like that young girl again is circling my mind with the fighter I've become. So, slowly I will try to comfort the girl who was hurt by expressing her emotions, rebuild and evolve into the person I want to be. Here's to my future.
  19. welcome not sure yet. im sorry for what has happened to you. i do hope you find all the support you can handle here. youre not alone any more not sure yet and i wish you nothing but the best on your healing process.
  20. Thank you so much Kris for the kind words, i appreciate it. and thank you for the hugs and kitty snuggles. so far everyone has been nothing but supportive and i look forward to much more of it.
  21. Hi Amanda, i hope you find healing on this site. Everyone ive come across in my short time here has been so supportive and i know you will experience the same. Im very sorry for what happened to you and i hope you can begin to find peace here.
  22. hi mary. thank you so much for your kind words and support.
  23. Thank you very much for the support.
  24. Thank you very much for the support. It feels good knowing im not alone in this healing process.
  25. Thank you so much for the support.
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