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Everything posted by howlieowl

  1. welcome @Seagoat. im very sorry for what has happened to you and your reason for being here. there are wonderful people on here to provide tremendous support. i wish you much peace and happiness on your journey in healing.
  2. howlieowl


    welcome @Jade4696. im sorry for what has brought you here. i hope you find tremenous support, care, and peace being here. know you are never alone in your healing process.
  3. i guess this is two part for me. my fears of telling someone came true when i first told about my csa. no one, i should say my birth mother, didnt believe me. my trust in everyone on this planet was broken. now, im afraid if i try to tell someone again i will get the same result. i told my supposed best friend about it and didnt receive much support, in fact we are no longer the friends we were growing up. so, im afraid the people i do know will no longer want to know me. its one thing to support surviviors but its seems difficult for people to actually know a survivor sometimes. im afraid of not being understood by those who have never experienced it. im afraid people want me to give details. im afraid of looks of pity. im afraid of being even more vulnerable than i am.
  4. howlieowl


    Welcome @Koala91 . Im sorry for whay has brought you hear and the pain you have been through. Im glad you decided to join, there are some many great people on here to provide you with support and comfort through your journey in healing. I wish you much peace, strength, courage, and happiness along the way. Know you are never without support here.
  5. finally got a therapy appt. next week. 1st time back in over a year. got nervous excitement going on

    1. Painnbroken


      You got this and it's understandable to feel the way you do.  Sitting with ya and pocket riding if you like. :hug:if ok

    2. howlieowl


      thank you very much @Painnbroken. not looking forward to the starting over part but i am a little:unsure:.

    3. Painnbroken


      You're very welcome!  Yeah that part bites had to do it several times. You got this take it one min at a time :)

  6. super tired from staying up late. got a lot of things i want to do. how to manage the time.

  7. welcome @forever.broken. im sorry for what has brought you here. i hope you find peace, comfort, and healing from many on here. this is a great site for support and understanding.
  8. so ive been posting positive quotes all over the walls in my bedroom/drawing room to keep positivity in my face all the time. see, im working on trying to quiet the negative voices in my head. the problem was how i got my start in life. i was left in the care of a bully (my birth. other B) that knew how to lie, manipulate, and con anyone she came in contact with. in front of people, she was charismatic, funny, charming, witty, the perfect parent. B was not this person with me. after, many many many years of trying to analyze and over analyzing my upbringing, ive found one conclusion that may work. i grew up with someone who behaved like a cult leader. B didnt start off physically beating me, verballing abusing me, emotionally crippling me. she was nice, let me sleep in her bed when i had nightmares, would hug me, tell me she loved me. i believed it. then my brother was born when i was 4 and things changed. slowly the love was rescinded, no more hugs. now came the indoctrination. it was yelling, put downs, then build you up a little only to knock you down. it was calling of names instead of encouragement when doing homework then praise when completed. it was beatings for minor things or because B was irritated. as i got older, i didnt need B to say things anymore, she lives in my head and heart. now, i call myself names, put myself down, tell myself negative things about myself. and if i didnt meet my wife years back i would still be following her like a good cult member. but, i still hear her voice, see her face, feel her hands and fist. thats why im posting the quotes. i need something, anything to quiet those voices. one of them mentioned seeing the good, positive in myself. i have 19 years to conquer. so im trying to find my positives from those years moving forward. so, im going to list my positives, at the ones i believe. im very loyal to those i care for i am a good artist i love strongly when i open myself up i am very shy in person i like to give help more than receive any help i am independent to an extent i love to think logically and outside the box im working on building this list, on focusing on this list during the very bad times, on continuing believing this list.
  9. im very sorry for what has happened to you. i hope you find much support, healing, and peace on AS.
  10. welcome @Sunrise Kitten. im sorry for what has brought you here. im happy you found the courage to join up, i was the same before i joined as well. i hope you find much healing, peace, and comfort. there are a lot of supportive people on AS and we are here for you.
  11. welcome @Victoria Palmer. im sorry for what has brought you here. i wish you much support, peace, and comfort on your journey in healing.
  12. Welcome @20yrs silentIm very sorry for what has brought you here. I hope you find much peace and comfort here throughout your journey in healing. There is tremendous support here.
  13. welcome @MadeNew. im sorry for what has brought you here. there are so many people on AS to help you along the way. the words and courage to share will come, you have time. i hope you find tremendous support on here. i wish you much peace and comfort towards your journey in healing.
  14. welcome @Sunshine 76. im sorry for what has brought you here. i wish you much comfort and peace on your journey towards healing.
  15. howlieowl


    welcome @Rebs. im very sorry for what has brought you here. the people here in AS are so supportive and caring. it will take time and patience but you can heal. i wish you much comfort and peace on your journey towards healing.
  16. welcome @JustDestiny. im sorry for what has brought you here. you will definitely find much support and validation. i wish you much peace and comfort in your journey towards healing.
  17. welcome @Ken 756. im sorry for what has brought you here but i hope you find much support, comfort, and peaceful healing here.
  18. welcome @strangeworld. i understand you dont have many words and thats okay, they will come in time. this is a wonderful safe place to express yourself, receive plenty of suport. you will heal and those on here are great supporters. i wish you much peace and comfort on your journey.
  19. welcome @Liliana28. i am sorry for what has brought you here. i hope you find tremendous support here. i wish you much peace, love, and comfort on your journey to healing.
  20. just feeling tired today. been staying up late trying to figure out my life. been putting all my energy into drawing which makes me tired as well. then im working out very hard to try and relax myself. all this and my mind still works a mile a minute. my life is going in many different directions, none of my personal choosing. trying to go with the flow but this flow sucks. i dont like not being control of my life. makes me feel like im back in that place again. i dont do weakness very well nor do i like being vulnerable. makes me feel shameful, angry, hopeless, disgusted. how do i express it? i dont. its kept inside where it cant hurt anyone yet its hurting me. and i want to unleash it. not on anyone but maybe on the ones who hurt me. so i figured to not let that rage on someone, i get a heavy bag, punch the shit out of it and maybe it might help. then i wonder, will it be the same? will it help? who knows. i do know it adds to my fatigue. it drains me of happiness. happiness. i sometimes wonder is this an emotion i am experiencing or am i mimicking what ive seen in others. i wonder the same about love. i know i feel it because it something ive wanted and ive seen what it looks like. but i wonder am i giving it. do others feel love or my indifference to people, to affections. im not an affectionate person. never had it growing up. so how do i know im giving enough? how do i not freeze when being touched? not to say i dont want to be touched by those i care for. but, how do i stop the initial freezing at first touch or even relax into a hug? also things that run through my mind, especially lately. i miss what i should have had growing up. decent parents, loving relationships, support, smiles, laughs, hugs, comfort. i dont like to dwell but i guess i am dwelling. i ask myself over and over why do i have to go through all this? why do i have to struggle so much alone? why do i have to experience all this just to be strong? i couldve been strong without being raped, sexually abused, physically and verbally abused. struggles can make you stronger but they can also break you. could be the fatigue talking, got me rambling. but im just tired and looping things in my head. off to find something mindless and exhausting to do.
  21. thank you silence. it is very difficult for her being with someone like me. i never understand why she stays but i know i feel lucky.
  22. Almost 7AM no sleep yet. Just had fight with wife about past abuse & rape, my lack of communication, and overall f---ed "normal" life. So tired of feeling worthless, feeling like my past is always coming between us. Nail in the coffin after reading something on AS.

    1. howlieowl


      Im sick of it too. My lack of communication comes from physical abuse when trying to communicate my emotions and then my birth mother not believing me when I confessed my abuse at the time it was happening. I learned early on its safer to keep quiet. I have given writing some thought in the past. Its hard to find the strength and courage so many say I have when I dont even feel it.

    2. Me89


      I will echo that you are not worthless. I have enjoyed the times I have interacted with you in chat or on the board and find your posts to always be very encouraging and full of wisdom. I am sorry you and your wife had a fight, I hope she is able to be supportive for you in your healing journey.

    3. howlieowl


      thank you Me. i have the same hope too. i think my issues can be too much for her at times, yesterday being one of them.

    4. Show next comments  3 more
  23. Hello hope and welcome. Im very sorry for what has brought you here. I hope you know you will find so much support here. Its a comforting and safe place (in my humble opinion) to begin healing. You are definitely not alone on this journey and we are all here to help lend a hand whenever. Much peace to you.
  24. welcome sonny. im very sorry for what has brought you here. i do hope you find tremendous support from many members on your journey healing. you will find so many of us who understand and will be here to help.
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