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Blog Comments posted by howlieowl

  1. my csa made me feel weak, disgusted, homicidal, suicidal, extreme fear, immense emotional and physical pain, alone, vulnerable, empty, hopeless.

    my rape made me feel nothing during. before scared, frozen, lost, empty. after i felt shaken, disgusted, physical pain and sore, alone, hopeless. i felt as if no one would believe me because i went to his house. i felt i had to act like it didnt happen otherwise people will see what happened. 

  2. i told my wife most of everything about my csa and r***. ive told my cousin, my brother, my birth father W, my uncle, my godmother, my former best friend, and my aunt years after it happened.

    i chose them because i thought they loved me and would finally give me the support i needed growing up.

    W was livid and wanted to do something irreversible. my cousin was a little upset but doesnt mention it. my former best friend was sorry it happened but our friendship was never the same, now we barely talk. my uncle didnt say or do anything. my godmother was very upset about the news and my aunt i could tell was just disconnected and had no reaction. my brother said he would pray for me. all in all, they still talk and socialize with my birth mother (except my former best friend) so i barely talk to them most not at all. my wife is my only constant foundation of love and support. 

  3. i guess this is two part for me. my fears of telling someone came true when i first told about my csa. no one, i should say my birth mother, didnt believe me. my trust in everyone on this planet was broken. now, im afraid if i try to tell someone again i will get the same result. i told my supposed best friend about it and didnt receive much support, in fact we are no longer the friends we were growing up. so, im afraid the people i do know will no longer want to know me. its one thing to support surviviors but its seems difficult for people to actually know a survivor sometimes. im afraid of not being understood by those who have never experienced it. im afraid people want me to give details. im afraid of looks of pity. im afraid of being even more vulnerable than i am.

  4. I appreciate the kind words, the support, and the understanding. I try my hardest to honor my feelings, respect the healing process. I guess it the conditioning Im trying to undo. The constant blaming and guilt can wear on me. Working on connecting the heart and mind to release things as my therapist advised but Im not ready yet. :cry:Out of words. Just thank you.:blush:

  5. thank you for kind words and support hawk. im learning that it is a constant uphill battle to heal. im just stumbling so much lately, but i havent stopped climbing. all i can say is thank you, thank you so much for believing in me. :thanks::cry:(smiling through tears)

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