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howlieowl

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Everything posted by howlieowl

  1. Im sitting up the night before my first therapy appt. (again), can't sleep so I'm reading articles from the day. I come across this https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/06/13/sarah-mcbride-gay-survivors-helped-launch-me-too-but-rates-lgbt-abuse-largely-overlooked/692094002/ and i felt it touched home for me. now i know i shouldn't be reading this stuff, which i didn't in a way. it was more the headline spoke to me of my situation. it wasn't long after i came out in college that my r*** happened. the people in my circle knew and were cool with it, though i will say this sorority i thought about joining was homophobic so i passed. nevertheless, for the most part i was accepted. the guy who did what he did asked me that night if it was true that i was gay then proceed to i guess prove if it was true or not. even as my previous therapist told me that is what probably happened, i still couldn't believe it, nor accept it. but seeing this headline set off a light bulb in my head. sometimes things need to be heard from more than one source before the mind can accept the truth.
  2. Well its been a very long while. Have to say Ive been avoiding being on here for many reasons. I got to a good place and felt I didn't need to be on here much. As with many things, my past came back. I admit I handled some areas better than I thought. For example, Ive always had this issue with bullies, not standing up for myself. Well before I started my new job (which I left because the guy there was a perv to women, especially teenage girls), I asked for a similar situation. I asked for it because I wanted a chance to have another opportunity to stand up for myself in the face of adversity. I have to say when you put your energy out to the universe, things do come true. Well, I got my wish. It was easy to see the similarities, not just with my past employers, but also with my birth mother. Long story short, I faced two people at once with patience, courage, and fearlessness. I felt 1000x better. I was and am proud of myself. I now know I can stand up for myself and be bold. Trouble came with the SA area. This has been my most difficult area to resolve thus the reason I haven't been on here much. It is triggering for me to see so many post about SA and r***. I don't know how to get through that other than to just stay away. But, I miss the connections Ive formed on here at the same time. Then I feel like sh*t for not being there for others when they have been there for me. *deep sigh* So my best solution is to go back into therapy. This is make therapist number 7. This part is becoming tiring. Having to tell the stories all over again. Some say its therapeutic to say it out loud but for me it make me feel sh*ttier. But, I know its apart of the process of healing is being able to talk about it. So, I will try to make a conscious effort to come on here more and maybe to blog it out until I start therapy. Avoid all the triggering stuff, stay connected and work slowly. On this journey, I am at step 1 again in the SA category but may steps ahead in others. See ya on the next steps.
  3. I'm wondering if I'm being stand-offish lately. Not so much with people i meet offline but with being on here. Ive just been having this feeling of not wanting to participate in general discussions. Im still struggling with my past but when i log on i find myself sitting in front of the screen watching the curser blink. The part of me that used to get on and read post seems very reluctant to do so and i don't know why. i miss the interactions I've had with the people I've met here. I'm stuck. at times i begin to type something then erase it and log off. maybe going back into therapy will help but I'm at a point where i feel i don't need therapy. i feel I'm at a good place to try and self-heal and with baby steps I've been doing okay. I'm standing up for myself better. I'm recognizing my triggers and working on the ones that should be worked on and avoiding the ones that i need to avoid. the memories are always there, that will never change, though i hope they will fade with time. but, I'm scared of the possibility i may not need this site like i used to. i believe that is the real reason i don't feel like logging on much anymore. one person ill never lie to is myself and I'm well aware of the fact that i haven't needed to be on here for my own healing as much as i did when i signed on. so, my next step in life is to work on being able to give the same support i was given when i was on here. i can't say i am there yet. but i am hoping for small steps in this next step in my healing evolution.
  4. hi @purplessorry for what has brought you here. i do hope you find much comfort and support with the members. wish you all the best on your journey in healing.
  5. hello @Hecate. im sorry for what has brought you here. i do hope you find much comfort and support from the members.
  6. ive been in a stretch with not thinking too much about my past. ive been reliving it somewhat recently. ive had encounters with difficult people, facing rejection, standing up for myself against those i normally cower from. the list continues. sometimes im successful, sometimes im not. i do know that by facing those similar events again, i do feel a little better after. the encounters when im uncomfortable around certain men hasnt changed. still feel frozen and scared and that fear locks on strong. im still struggling with my temper as well. im having reliving to deal with a mean and difficult person. typically i avoid because i dont want to deal with those types of people. but, im learning that it didnt work in the past because sometimes difficult people will be in your life. example, do i avoid going to starbucks because the one barista is an ass? do i avoid my favorite eatery because the one server was rude? i can still get a coffee and if i feel they are being an ass, step and acknowledge it. i cant keep running. i can handle what i can in small steps but avoiding is not working anymore. its leading to me adding to my rage and if not controlled it could be unleashed on the wrong person. but, ive found when i address the issues in the moment, it doesnt stay with me. and i think this leads to me not having to relive my past so much.
  7. this was awesome. I really needed to read this and every point resonated with me. great blog
  8. thank you @limbodante. ill definitely give it a try.
  9. do you believe youre strong? do you believe youre beautiful? dont you believe your smart, intelligent? these are just some questions ive been asked many times. inside i answer with an obvious no. but i tell people, "i guess" or "i dont know". or ill cover it up by pretending to be cocky with "of course"! i dont believe any of it. somewhere along the line in my life my belief in self, people, or anything died. rarely do i remember being told i was beautiful. when i got As, sure i was told i was smart. but getting a B or C, . i believed in my birth mother, epic fail. i believed i could tell her anything like she said and/or she would listen, epic fail. i believed she would be there for me like she said, epic fail. i believed so many things she said and did, i became charlie brown trying to kick the football from lucy and every single time watching as the football is snatched away and i fall flat. the worst of it is the lost of belief in self. i cannot for the life of me believe i am beautiful. i can say the words, maybe even find something i like about myself. but, i dont look in the mirror, see myself and believe i am. im grateful when i am told by non-creepy people. it helps with self-confidence to some extent. but, i dont see what they see. overall i get the feeling the abuse has totally ruined my belief in self. the lack of reassurance from one of the most influential figures in a young womans life, a mother, does not set oneself up for success in belief in self. the need for validation is sometimes sought externally instead of KNOWING internally. i wonder do i not believe because it would help me to be less attractive to others. kind of like hiding in plain site. and how does someone believe? ive heard "just say youre beautiful over and over and it will be true". im sorry but wtf. i get it but i dont get it. for example, i can say im smart, i know i am smart because ive seen outcomes not just from exams but finished projects etc. this helps me believe a little bit. but here is the limitation, if its not perfect, i dont believe no matter how many times i say it. so, how does it work? whats even more weird is i believe in others i care about more than myself. i wish, hope, and believe they will have better. are my expectations for myself too low? is this what is preventing me from seeing the beauty that which is Sheena? hell if i know. i DO know currently i believe i will wake up and after little sleep as usual. i believe i will walk through my day with flashbacks on what happened to me all day as usual. do i want to change those, absolutely. every night before i lay my head down, i ask for a peaceful night. one where i dont wake up almost every hour. so far over 20 years and no luck. do i need to stop believing and become more realistic? i dont know. i want to get to that place where i can walk down the street knowing i am the shit because i am beautiful, smart, talented, and just down right awesome. is it attainable, i think so. belief is hard yet i still want to keep trying.
  10. you, your future, your awesome little man are some bright spots. this will be beaten. shed your tears to cleanse the soul to begin anew. your happiness awaits, one more hurdle to leap. always with you
  11. hello and welcome. i hope you find much support understanding and comfort here.
  12. Thank you, i appreciate it.
  13. moments like today and previous days re-enforce the feeling that i will be alone. im without my foundation, have been for over two months now. nothing i say or do seems to work at getting her back. i secretly cry but pretend to her face im okay. its hard, very hard, knowing im the reason she doesnt want to be with me. ive been fighting since i was a toddler for love and when ive finally found it, i figured i was safe. but every day ive always had this feeling she would leave. i know im a f up, i know that. ive been trying so hard to be better and she told me if i try she would always be there. yet she cant even sleep next to me at night. i know im not the person she wants to be with, shes told me her ideal woman. me and my problems dont fit the bill. im too much with my past. i guess all that questioning of am i capable of love, well i got my answer. my heart has been breaking for months. but im very good at burying my feelings. im very good at shutting down. i dont know where to go anymore. no friends, no family. she is literally all i have left. just so lost, so tired of pain. why cant anyone love me? what the hell is so wrong with me? i dont have anyone to turn to for comfort. every so called friend, every so called family member is too involved in their own lives to be there for me, not like ive been for them. i got no car, no license, no job, nothing. where can i go? who can i talk to? who will comfort me when the only person i have has pulled away? please, i just want the pain to stop. i just want to be happy.
  14. welcome, welcome. i wish you much success and happiness on your journey in healing.
  15. i wish you much success on your journey to healing. may you find much support, understanding, and acceptance here.
  16. Hi @Disrupted Amazon. I hope you find much peace, comfort, understanding, and happiness here. All the best to you on your healing journey.
  17. hey @Kkhateera, welcome. im sorry for what has brought you. i hope you find peace, comfort, understanding, and happiness on your journey.
  18. welcome @Debbie20. i am very sorry for what happened to you. i hope you find peace, comfort, and understanding being here.
  19. my csa made me feel weak, disgusted, homicidal, suicidal, extreme fear, immense emotional and physical pain, alone, vulnerable, empty, hopeless. my rape made me feel nothing during. before scared, frozen, lost, empty. after i felt shaken, disgusted, physical pain and sore, alone, hopeless. i felt as if no one would believe me because i went to his house. i felt i had to act like it didnt happen otherwise people will see what happened.
  20. so most people will say im crazy for even thinking or believing this but, ive died four times...in my dreams. so i believe that when we dream we experience things outisde this world we live in with other souls. i believe this is why we can recognize someone in reality and not know where you saw them before. so, the first two dreams ive had was years ago but i remember them like it happened two minutes ago. i was standing up to this bully, some guy, and i remember being shot in the chest. i remember feeling the burning sensation, feeling my blood leave my body, feeling my life come to an end as my breathing slowed down. there was no white light, no flashbacks on my life, no moments of regret, no confessionals of undying love. just silence. a stillness, no voices in my head, just stillness. the third time i was in a stadium, the earth was coming to an end. im surrounded with hundreds of people trying to escape this tsunami but the stadium starts to fill with water anyway. there is this preacher trying to calm everyone, helping them ease into the death. my birth family is there (B, my aunt, uncle, cousin and her 3 kids) then everyone panics and tries to run again knowing there is no escape but try anyway. they try to convince me to leave but i stay as well as my uncle. we sit on the steps listening and watching people run as the water rises. then it reaches me and i feel myself holding my breathe then letting go. i feel the water enter my lungs, i feel it all over my body and in my ears, then i take on last deep breathe and stillness. i feel that my heart has stopped beating, i feel my body begin to float a little but its quiet, no voices, a calm settles over me. after each dream i wake up slowly and feel at least for those few minutes a sense of peace i can never describe. its like a chance at being born again of something. im not a religious person by any means nor am i deeply spiritual but i do believe in living multiple lives and i feel like thats what ive experienced. i believe we die only to come back and try life again. most will probably chalk it up to heartburn while im sleeping or whatever but its indescribable the feeling of dying. i dont know when i will ever experience it again but, i will always remember those dreams. i will take from them every thing i will ever need to learn about life.
  21. i told my wife most of everything about my csa and r***. ive told my cousin, my brother, my birth father W, my uncle, my godmother, my former best friend, and my aunt years after it happened. i chose them because i thought they loved me and would finally give me the support i needed growing up. W was livid and wanted to do something irreversible. my cousin was a little upset but doesnt mention it. my former best friend was sorry it happened but our friendship was never the same, now we barely talk. my uncle didnt say or do anything. my godmother was very upset about the news and my aunt i could tell was just disconnected and had no reaction. my brother said he would pray for me. all in all, they still talk and socialize with my birth mother (except my former best friend) so i barely talk to them most not at all. my wife is my only constant foundation of love and support.
  22. in the beginning stages of a migraine. really despise the blinding pain

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. howlieowl

      howlieowl

      Exactly @patriciag ! They never know until they get them. Its how i ended where i am now, karma

      :P

       

       

    3. LuthienTinuviel

      LuthienTinuviel

      I get them too. Do you feel any better? 

    4. howlieowl

      howlieowl

      @LuthienTinuviel it normally takes me a couple of days to recover strength after because im so fatigued. today im better with lingering muscle soreness. cutting back in carbs, sugars, and caffeine hoping it helps.

  23. so i had a dream not too long along ive been analyzing for a while. its similar to a few ive had recently about B (my birth mother). more often than not, other family members are there, my aunt, my cousin, and sometimes my grandmother who passed. im still me at my age of 32 but it seems like a different time and place. the gist of the dream is me expressing my pain, my hurt, my rage at her and everyone else for letting me down, teasing me, abusing me physically and verbally. sometimes im crying in the dream and i feel physical pain from the hurt which i still wake up with. but the strangest thing happens, she actually apologizes. previous dreams she doesnt. but, she acknowledges what she did and didnt do for me. my cousin is always trying to be the reasonable one to help mend things between us. in the dream im not completely convinced enough to let it go. i wake up with the remnants of the physical pain but also a calm. ive been analyzing these dreams because in reality, i know i will never get such an apology or acknowledgment. but, im trying to determine if my soul is trying to come to some sort of resolution about her so i can move forward without her black cloud attached to me. is this my hopeful wishing manifesting itself in my dreams for a reality i will never have. i can feel that small part of me that wants to hold on to that rage because i never got revenge or justice for what she did to me. but, the bigger part of me is just tired. tired of constantly replaying every word and ever hit over and over and over again every minute of every day. so, im trying to accept this form of dream resolution in reality. the weight of her mistakes are too much to carry as my fault. weird to say, but i guess this is a form of emotion maturity lol. ive concluded my intellect is that of a wise buddha at times but my emotion maturity is that of an 8 year with surpressed expression. im hoping im growing though.
  24. welcome @Queen P. i hope you find much support on here. i wish you much peace, happiness, and comfort on your journey to healing.
  25. welcome @in_time. im sorry for what has brought you here. i wish you much peace, strength, and calm on your journey in healing. know you are never alone on here for there is much support from many members.
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