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Miko

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    Survivor

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  1. Miko

    New here

    Welcome... It’s seem that you dont want to be alone during this upcoming difficult period. As ghosts of the past catch up with us. With Compassion - I believe and I know u will get through this. I promise you. Stay strong. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sorry that Everyday there are children and women being violated. But you know who’s worse than us? People without empathy. And those thinking that they can take our power from us. They don’t feel. They merely exist. Inhuman. I share your pain but we will be stronger, more compassionate and human inspite of this. You are a strong woman. I’ve been MIA for awhile thinking that I have dealt with the past and it can’t haunt me no more. It’s evolved into something else. I don’t know exactly. Except that it is an unbreakable force... you will find this too
  2. Miko

    Today

    Today I promise to care for myself. Eat well. Watch a movie or 2. Jog at the park. Enjoy nature. Sleep. Maybe visit a museum. Check out the courses I want to take. Read. Go to the beach. Just B
  3. Welcome to AS Hope the healing process goes smoothly for you. i emphatise with your situation, here at AS we will provide as much support as possible. Be mirrors of your thoughts and provide love to heal your pain....listen to your hurting heart do what it needs... one day at a time... ❤️ Miko
  4. Hello !! Warmest Welcome...
  5. I remember cutting my veins and tried to cut as deep as possible but because i could not keep it wet. the bleeding stopped. i tried several times same vein now scarred i hide it with a watch. lately i've not been sleeping stayin up watching movies with gore and blood. and i imagine i could do those things, pull out his spine, cut him up in half, poison my mother then insert needles in her eyes. i remember when i was eleven after folding laundry of the family, i went into the kitchen. mom and sister were talking. i said something. sister told me off. i was hurt because she was a bully, an abuser and a manipulator, still is. i took her t-shirt from the laundry pile-it was her favorite t-shirt, i cut it up and then poured coke all over it. i managed to throw it away. she never even noticed it was gone... back to present day, found out a school mate died of a heart attack today. he was in his early 40s. never liked the guy. but still i felt empathy for his wife and 3 kids. lucky guy, death knocked on his door and i hope he is in a good place now. i've been praying for death since i was 5 years old. I nearly drowned once and i remember when the waves took me under i smiled. but was rudely interrupted. my mun managed to pull me out of the water by my long black hair. my childhood lost my life robbed facing the possibilty of losing our home jobless and with a shitty CV i prayed and i sought help yet still, i am looking for work. had to leave my last job because of sexual harassments and my boss wasnt supportive of me but supportive of the assailant. She is partially responsible for the incidences having empowering the guy allowing him to be rude and lacking professionalism. not the first job i had to leave due to harrassment and bullying. what life is this? blood gore and death seems alot better then the slow torturous death of the unknown. living 15 minutes at a time....
  6. same.... it's been like this since before we got married...am trying to communicate differently with him...
  7. Thanks, yes i need to heal n he isnt helping. will talk to therapist....
  8. just want to die. i am not eating because my husband asks dont u want to eat so i do the opposite. why? because our relationship is toxic. toxic to my recovery and he is toxic so emotionally draining and imposes his feelings on me. i want to exercise so i do brisk walk. oh the attitude he gives me. so dont follow me i say. he wants to follow and then gives me attitude. we even argue about which route to take. i can appreciate that he doesnt like to walk then just let me be. but he cant. so what do i do now? is death better?
  9. It's been awhile since checking in with AS. Am I better? i seriously dont know. nightmares continue and i find myself afraid of going to sleep. wake up in sweat. panic attacks continue too. sometimea trigger is just overwhelming sensation like too much noise or crowded places. Other times it just comes. no reason. heart pounding. icy cold stomach the ice and snow flows through my veins spreading throughout the body. breathing become shallow and fast. however i have been able to read again subjects that i had previously lost now the interest is back. yesterday i almost felt like me again before PTSD. i do now have more memories of the past that inhad forgottten. i used to tutor at a boys home when kids was with their father on Sunday mornings. my cousin reminded me thru her posting. still i am the black sheep. i often wonder here i am in need of help and support yet my relatives are busy helping others. how twisted. it's as though just because i seem well outside (inside i am struggling same as those girls at the home) yet no one has asked how are you? ironic...But more importantly, she reminded me that i did the same and did something useful when I had time. sometimes i just want to go to a happy place which i thnk is beneficial but i havent found one or lack resourcea or just plain unmotivated. sometimes people say love you but dont actually mean it and i am puzzled. it's not your love i need or want but heart with empathy, some place to go to just be. i love the ocean and sometimes wish i was on vacation by the sea. wind sun surf my anxiety levels have beem bad as there is an important thing tomorrow. haiz not looking forward to it... anyways here is to many more non chapters just moments seconds and hopefully oblivion or just Be
  10. Miko

    Here goes

    Hi Sorry for your experience. u can also read and add your experience in the forums. i've have gone thru similar, from about 5 or 6 for a year or so. It may have stopped when i was 8 or 9. and the nightmare is there. i have to deal with it for the rest of my life unless there is specliased treatment. i went thru therapy in my 20s and thot the same. hope u are ok.... rgds miko
  11. Miko

    My Story

    Wow! i admire ur strength and i send u love and happiness. And for taking ur power back. the abusers tend to choose the quiet ones who wont talk or they groom the them especially in childhood trauma. i am not young anymore, just been called mental mother in laws! she is of a different race - but maybe my husband called me that - who cares - anyway cause for me this PTSD is a relapse due to workplace sexual harrassments and bullying at work the last 2 years. my brain and body couldnt take it. i just couldnt leave home for work one day, i totally didnt sleep and shut myself in the next day. i will keep my hopes up and find a suitable job and will keep u in mind everytime i dont feel strong.... stay strong.... thanks for sharing your story ...
  12. Miko

    Day 1

    ANA07, my heart is with u! be brave be bold and have faith.....
  13. can't trust my husband. he probably thinks i am mental too... ironically he is emotionally stunted and has an unhealthy relationship with his mum. now that Dad is gone, i will have to share my husband. tonite he sleeps over at his mum's for prayer rites for his late dad. his emotions are anger, frustration mostly. And slightly happy at times. he tries to be loving but i have a problem with it now that i cant trust him...so alone....
  14. As i sit and talk to the universe and ask exactly why are we here on earth again. and what it means to be human. I started crying and i asked God to forgive the abusers. I felt free. So i ask myself now what? just keep swimming. keep healing it will be soon till we get to the other side.... i dont feel the anger and frustration. But a sense of loss.... i guess now i grieve that little girl that was forced to grow up too soon.... melancholy....
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