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Everything posted by JustSam

  1. What he said to me has been repeating in my brain a lot recently, apparently writing it out can help so here go’s: L ”Can we have sex, one last time?” S *shakes head? Says no? Definitely a negatory response. L *grabs wrists/pushes S back / applies handcuffs S (A moment of panic, one wrist free, what would happen if I tried to fight him off? mind floods with possible outcomes: freedom....beaten then raped.....running naked onto a busy street....the anger in his eyes, he’s trying to hide it but he can’t.... no wrists free). “L I don’t want to do this”
  2. Hi @luckyladybug I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to this, I must have missed the notification. Since I wrote this, a few years ago now, I’ve had some counselling and done some research, I have a much better understanding of what happened and why I reacted the way I did and I’ve let go of a lot of the guilt I was carrying. I still think about it almost as much but a lot of the time now the narrative of these thoughts is Much different. I’m standing up for myself more in the aftermath of the assault, confronting the people who assaulted me or using my story to speak out and educate othe
  3. @Free2Fly @waterlily13 thanks for your comments. I wrote this 3years ago and, while there may have been a few ups and downs in between, right now I’m still in exactly the same boat 🙁
  4. @just_trying welcome to AS. I'm sorry you have reason to be here. As far as I've seen everyone On here is very supportive and understanding, I have no doubt you will have the same response.
  5. I don't know. I don't currently have a therapist, I'm considering restarting. I'd like to be able to accept it as part of me, to love myself and enjoy my life, to get past feeling guilty and obsessing about this. To live, free from the little voice in the back of my head convinced every little noise is Luke come to make good on his threats, blaming me, shaming me. Making me feel like nothing I do could ever be good enough because every decision I make is affected/tainted by what happened to me. I'd like to be able to talk about it, even vaguely, even online -anonymously, without
  6. Hi @AmazonianPrincess welcome to AS
  7. What prevented me from healing is that I never addressed it. I've believed that it was my fault, not that bad, no one would believe me anyway, etc. He told me it was OK and I thought he believed it, I thought everyone would, they'd think I was overreacting. I felt so ashamed so I stuffed it down. Now I feel ashamed that I still let this affect me. I thought it wasn't that bad, that people go through a lot worse without letting it affect them this much, I should be over this by now. I've discovered that so many of these beliefs were based on fear and misinformation, and no longer stand up
  8. Thank you @limbodante, it's a work in progress
  9. I've been thinking about forgiveness. I don't forgive them, if I saw them about to be hit by a bus I think I'd hesitate to shout "look out" and I'm pretty sure I'd smile to myself after. I don't really care what this says about me. But given that that is unlikely to happen; I'm no longer angry that they're out there, un-smooshed by buses, living a life. I just hope that they're surrounded by people who have corrected their view of the world and their place in it. I hope their attitudes towards others have dramatically improved. I think everyone deserves a second chance (within reason) and if t
  10. @limbodante you are not an idiot for putting your trust and hope in someone you loved, that is perfectly normal in a relationship. She's the one who abused your trust and used your hope against you. You did nothing to deserve the way she treated you
  11. @ResilientHeart I'm sorry I made you cry! Safe hugs if ok. I'm so sorry he put you through that, he does sound like a monster.
  12. What was he thinking? Why did he do it? Did he hear me? Did he realise what he was doing? Did he care? Would he care if he knew how it would effect me? ^I wrote this a while ago. I wasn't happy with it but I wasn't sure why. I got a bit stuck. I've just looked again and found the solvent: I DON'T CARE WHAT HE THINKS! I know the truth. I know that he was fully aware that I didn't want to. Hence I know he raped me! I don't need him to confirm that, I don't need anything from him. 😊 unstuck
  13. Hi @sasperella31 Welcome to AS.
  14. Hi @jsl6 welcome to AS
  15. Hi @Beachmom welcome to AS
  16. That it is not (as I've tried to believe) "just something that happened a long time ago". It is something that still makes me feel sick inside every day. That the effects run much deeper than they could imaging, deeper than I ever thought before I started really looking, and probably deeper still than I am currently aware. That So very many things can be a trigger, and this can change depending on how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling low, Everything makes me think about it and feel even more sh!t. Mostly I just wish people understood rape. I wish thay knew that it isn't 'normally' like wha
  17. @StrugglingMama I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I've been told that this self-doubt should ease if I can stop blaming myself and see that this didn't happen because I made a bad judgement. I'm not sure I can believe that after all this time I can change like that. I can but try @Free2Fly I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place. I think you matter. You matter more to me than most people in the world do because you're part of my community (AS) (if ok)
  18. I still feel like I can't trust my own judgement, it can be crippling at times, I feel stuck, unable to make even a simple decision for fear that I'll get it wrong and fear of the consequences if I do. I know now, logically, that it wasn't my actions or my choices that caused the assaults but sub-consciously I still fear making the wrong choice and worse still- letting myself and other people down with my wrong choices. I hate feeling like 'they' have such a big part in my life, my thought processes, my choices. I'm very uncomfortable with anything even remotely linked to abuse, rape, etc.
  19. Hi Bella, welcome to AS
  20. It made me feel weak because I couldn't stop it. I always thought I was a strong person, physically and mentally. The fact that I was so scared, I couldn't even make him understand that I didn't want it (how I saw it at the time) made me feel So weak and pathetic. How could I expect anyone to understand, to care, to help me if I couldn't even help myself? I felt like that was my fault for going back to him/staying with him, I felt weak for thinking I needed him. I felt like I couldn't trust myself because I hadn't been able to see that I shouldn't have been there and I hadn't listened to my gu
  21. I told My best friend and my boyfriend (now husband) because I couldn't keep it in, I was having suicidal thoughts, cutting myself, I'm not sure I would have survived with this eating me away inside. I didn't Talk to them back then but I told them about the rape. They're the closest friends I have and have never made me feel judged. Still I found it so very hard to speak to them again recently when this all came back up. I don't remember what happened the first time I told them. I know I didn't want to really talk about it, so I don't think they asked. Recently when I told them I was
  22. I'm afraid to feel exposed. I'm afraid people will see me differently, as weak, damaged, I'm afraid they will pity me. I'm afraid to face unintentionally hurtful comments that can be made by well meaning people who just don't understand. I'm afraid that people will believe that it wasn't my fault. I'm afraid they will see the guilt and shame I feel, they will see that part of me feels responsible still, and they won't understand. I'm afraid that if people know it will be completely real for me, I'll never be able to hide from it and believe it didn't happen ever again. Im afraid that I will st
  23. Hi @Foreverflashbacks Thank you for your comment. I'm so sorry that you can relate to this. Nipping to his hotel to drop off his stuff doesn't sound at all like leading him on. The first no should have been enough to stop what was happening.
  24. I find it quite difficult to think about it most of the time. If I try to it feels like my minds pulling away from it. My gut reaction to thinking about the rape is to feel trapped, scared, panicked and unsafe, or to feel nothing, numb, disconnected. I went through all these emotions during the assault. I also feel very guilty, especially over certain parts, parts where I feel like I lead him on and let him think that I was OK with what he was doing. It makes me feel sad for the person who was lost, the person who never I was, who I could have been if this hadn't happened. I'm sad for the gi
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