[How often do you think about your rape, and do you ever feel like you have thoughts about it that you can’t stop?]

Hi @luckyladybug I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to this, I must have missed the notification. Since I wrote this, a few years ago now, I’ve had some counselling and done some research, I have a much better understanding of what happened and why I reacted the way I did and I’ve let go of a lot of the guilt I was carrying. I still think about it almost as much but a lot of the time now the narrative of these thoughts is Much different. I’m standing up for myself more in the aftermath of the assault, confronting the people who assaulted me or using my story to speak out and educate others. It’s still kind of relentless and not something I particularly want to be thinking. I Think at this point it may be something a kin to OCD and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop these obsessive thoughts but I am happy I’ve changed the narrative (for the most part) and made the progress I have. 

[How often do you think about your rape, and do you ever feel like you have thoughts about it that you can’t stop?]

@Free2Fly @waterlily13 thanks for your comments. I wrote this 3years ago and, while there may have been a few ups and downs in between, right now I’m still in exactly the same boat 🙁

[Random thoughts on forgiveness]

 Thank you @limbodante, it's a work in progress 

[What questions do you wish you could answer to yourself about your rape?]

@limbodante you are not an idiot for putting your trust and hope in someone you loved, that is perfectly normal in a relationship. She's the one who abused your trust and used your hope against you. You did nothing to deserve the way she treated you

[What questions do you wish you could answer to yourself about your rape?]

@ResilientHeart I'm sorry I made you cry! Safe hugs if ok. I'm so sorry he put you through that, he does sound like a monster. 

[How is your rape affecting you as a person right now? What thoughts do you sometimes have about yourself because of the rape?]

@StrugglingMama I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I've been told that this self-doubt should ease if I can stop blaming myself and see that this didn't happen because I made a bad judgement. I'm not sure I can believe that after all this time I can change like that. I can but try 

@Free2Fly I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place. I think you matter. You matter more to me than most people in the world do because you're part of my community (AS)  (if ok)

[How does thinking about the rape make you feel, and why?]

Hi @Foreverflashbacks

Thank you for your comment.

I'm so sorry that you can relate to this. 

Nipping to his hotel to drop off his stuff doesn't sound at all like leading him on. The first no should have been enough to stop what was happening. 

[A letter to my past self]

Thank you @Caraaa of course I don't mind. FYI it was in reading the letter back to myself that it really hit home. I hope you find it helpful.

[If rape is a form of theft, what did it steal?]

@StrugglingMama that was very eloquently put.  

I totally understand feeling like a poor judge of character and doubting yourself. It only dawned on me recently how much I hate, and therefor avoid, making decisions. I think maybe the big decisions I've had to make in my life in the few months leading up to my (whatever you'd call it) depressive/anxious phase may have been my trigger, or at least a contributing factor. I understand feeling sick of yourself too, I get like that all the time ("yea, we get it Sam, shut the fu*k up already). My counsellor told me I'm too harsh on myself, I think that go's for a lot of us, please try to be kind to yourself, I know it's hard. 

Im not surprised that your therapists insight: "I'm not sure he wouldn't have raped you some other time, even if it hadn't happened that night. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it." was a shock to you. This could easily have applied to me and I have never Ever consideres it either.

I do believe that healing is possible, don't give up hope. I do think that personally I need to reevaluate what healing means though. I will never be the person I was, I wouldn't even remember how. I will never be the person I thought I was going to be, nothing Ever go's to plan, that's life. I need to learn to get to know, and make the most of, the person I am. Warts and all. Which includes identifying and finding better coping mechanisms for my issues. Which can seem like a mammoth task but when taken one step at a time no mountain is insurmountable. (I'm in a strangely positive mood today) 

I hope you're feeling a bit better Did your therapist reply to your email?

[If rape is a form of theft, what did it steal?]

Thank you for you're comments @LeahA @StrugglingMama

 

[A letter to my past self]

@LeahA thank you