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Blog Entries posted by Kathyps33

  1. Kathyps33
    I found out last night my cousin took her own life. She was just 38 yrs old. This is the 3rd cousin in my family that has committed suicide. I don't know what to think right now.  
  2. Kathyps33
    I think, I think too much. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off; the part that has the memories, the images of the abuse. The part that sends the messages to my heart that I'm worthless, damaged, ugly, stupid, unloved, unwanted, alone, and stupid. Of course I want my brain to keep it's basic functions in tact to keep me breathing, to keep me healthy, ect. Will I ever be able to have good feelings? Will I ever be able to trust, to love without fear, without labels that something is wrong with me? I cannot remember a time in my life I felt safe, free to just be me, have my thoughts and opinions and feelings matter to one other person. I feel like all my life I haven't had a voice, I wanted to hide as a child and couldn't now I have to hide, the pain, the fear, the insecurities, the damage done to me. I didn't ask for it but I am the one being punished, rejected, looked at and treated as less than, less of a woman, less of a person because someone else wanted to fulfill their own desires. 
  3. Kathyps33
    I feel so ashamed. I don't remember feeling aroused during the abuse by my adoptive father but around 12 yrs old when he went from touching to sexual intercourse I started masturbating. Of course I grew up in church and learned that masturbation is a sin. From 12 yrs old until about 33 yrs old I just did clitoral stimulation. I then ordered some books about sex on line and started reading about different ways to masturbate. There was so much to learn. I wanted to know more about my body, I wanted to be normal to have sex like others and enjoy it. I haven't yet. I'm 45 yrs old now and have never had one sexual encounter I actually enjoyed. This year I learned more about how my body works sexually, but I feel more ashamed because I masturbate more now. I hated sex with my father, I'm so confused. Why do I like to do this? 
  4. Kathyps33
    I feel so overwhelmed, like the past will always haunt me, My adoptive father has been dead 25 yrs and my adoptive mother has been dead 18 yrs. I thought once those people died the past would be buried with them. It feels like it has gotten worse as I have gotten older. I have become more and more recluse. The anxiety and depression have worsened. The times of joy or peace are so fleeting. I am in therapy individual and group. I have tried church, working overtime, drawing, exercise, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic meds since my early 30s. I am 45 yrs old now and feel like dealing with the past abuse is getting worse not better. This is my first time trying an on-line site like this and in a lot of ways I feel more freedom more comfortable chatting and posting on here than I ever have in therapy. I was at a friends house yesterday and talked about being on this site and how group went Tuesday evening and suddenly she had a list of things she needed to get done around the house. It feels like she might as well of said, I don't care, I don't want to hear about it. But I can't count the times I have spent countless hours listening to her complain about her anxiety and worry and general family problems; her husband, family, work, retirement, church ect. I have been told by countless people, more so by church members, to just let go of the past. If it were that easy I would have done this years ago. Why is it ok for others to talk about their problems and struggles but for me talking about child-abuse is taboo. Child abuse has a stigma of shame attached to it that isn't necessarily their with other experiences. For example at a church I went to yrs ago there was a woman that was attacked and raped by a stranger and she was given help, compassion and support and freedom to talk about it anytime she wanted. I didn't speak up because as I had previously told some other members in the past about growing up in foster care because my adoptive parents were abusive and gotten rejected, ignored, asked by some parents not to talk about in front of their teens (not that I was giving 'any' detail to kids just made the statement," I came from abusive home") and then ask to step down from leading the singles class and finally ended with being asked to leave the church. I know those that have been through this know I was not going around announcing nor displaying a banner about the abuse I had been through as a child but as people ask about where I'm from who are my parents  ect the general get to know you questions and I eluded to growing up in foster care and my parents being abusive. I got rejected like something was wrong with me. Being a victim of child abuse feels like a scarlet letter judgement, like I have leprosy and don't belong in society. I feel so alone in this struggle. I'm actually thinking that going to therapy has made all the anxiety and depression worse. I realize that I was not really living in freedom or peace before starting therapy but at least I was somewhat comfortable with the familiar defense mechanics I had. This stuff in counseling of set boundaries, speak up for yourself, ask for help is making life harder not easier. I don't get it; I see my co-workers, friends and others do the same things and get wonderful outcomes. I do it and get told I have an attitude, Im being to harsh. It's nice to have this place to vent to have a voice. Thanks all for listening to my ramblings. 
  5. Kathyps33
    I don't feel like a survivor. I get called that and brave and strong but don't feel it. Instead I feel frustrated because I see myself everyday struggling, today I went to lunch with a friend who invited her daughter (my age) to join us and I felt so awkward. People my age that have not been through child abuse talk about childhood like it was some fairy-tale.  I can't relate to this and I realize they can't relate to me either. I feel so fake when people talk about tv shows, music, celebrating holidays, birthdays and I smile and laugh like I know, like I had the same experiences and yet inside it hurts so much I feel like screaming but say nothing just smile and nod in agreement. I hate hiding this secret. I didn't ask for, I didn't get a choice in whether to have it happen or not. Its the same with work, with co-workers. I don't go out into public much anyway I get anxiety just going shopping. Although I work as a mobile x-ray tech I can function to do my job but then come home and hide from the world.  
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