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  1. So, this is something my therapist suggested I do and I've decided to try it. Basically it's a letter to myself to try to process my anger at myself over the things I feel I did that contributed to what happened. So how do you talk yourself in a letter? Starting it with "Dear Me," seems a little awkward, but who cares. Here goes. God, this feels weird... What do I want to say to you? That you messed up in a lot of respects that night? Well, yeah, you did, but so what? Everyone does. People blow off their instincts and do and say stupid things all the time. This just happened to
  2. Endless hugs back and enjoy your "stolen", but well deserved, day off!!!! ❤️
  3. He barely touched me, he just moved the parts of me he needed to aside like I was a piece of furniture, never saying a word and barely glancing at me the entire time. My feet had been together, and I remember him going all the way to the end of the bed to pick up my leg by the ankle and move it away from the other. I had tried so hard to push back against his hand when he did that, thinking maybe that little bit of momentum would allow me to pick up control of the muscles, but of course it didn't. I might as well have been passively allowing him to do it, not trying at all for all the good it
  4. By the time I actively started looking for a counselor, I knew that in all likelihood what he gave me was ketamine. It was the only drug I found that explained the condition I’d been in, and once I figured that out I spoke with a pharmacist, an ER doctor (through the pharmacist), and an addiction treatment center to confirm that I was on the right track. I didn’t even mention ketamine to them when I contacted them. I only described the symptoms, made sure they knew it was in combination with a large amount of alcohol, and then let them tell me if there was anything they could think of that cou
  5. Posted Thursday at 09:14 AM (edited) I had tried to stay awake, I didn’t want the vulnerability of sleep, but I couldn’t manage it. I woke up again after only a few hours, not long after dawn, when normally I sleep like a rock for as long as anyone will let me. Everything came rushing back and I stayed still, trying to make sense of it, trying to decide if any of it had actually happened or not. The whole thing just seemed so unreal, like it just wasn’t possible. That wasn’t like him at all, people don’t just become someone else like that. People don’t spontaneously become paralyzed and then
  6. It's important to me to state off the bat that I recently got back in contact with H., we had a very long talk about what happened, and she really didn't know what was going on. I believe her, and her not knowing his intentions explains a lot of her words and actions during all this. Pt. 1 covers what happened, Pt. 2 covers the aftermath and the effects of going into denial, and Pt. 3 covers how I managed to finally find a sense of peace with it all. The whole story covers almost 23 years, so I needed to break it into smaller sections for easier reading. *****Trigger Warning**** I
  7. Wow, Chica, you've had one hell of a journey. I knew some of it, but certainly not all, and I'm so glad for the "was" in "wasband"! I have to say that while I had a very high level of respect for you and how far you've come before, reading this has increased the esteem I hold you in that much further. And by the way, it's nonsense thinking that this installment wasn't as "flowy" as the other two. It was beautifully written, as always. You should be proud of yourself for a myriad of reasons and I hope you know that. Much love, my friend.
  8. Amsekhmet

    Who Abused You?

    A neighbor as a small child (possibly- memories are very unclear), a foster-type parent in a group home at 17 (unsuccessful attempt), and a roommate at 19 (drug facilitated assault).
  9. You did such an incredible job with this, and I am so proud of you! I know how hard you worked and what it took to get it all out. ❤️❤️
  10. We’ve talked about a lot of this already, but I want to say again how proud I am of you for everything you’re doing right now. You’ve come such a long a way, but you’ve also been smart about it, going at your own pace and practicing self care. I’ll be keeping an eye out for the installments. I know it isn’t easy to focus on it enough to tell the whole thing, and you’re brave for facing it head on like that.
  11. @VintagePanda Hi and welcome! I think you'll find a lot of really good support here. I've only been here a few days myself and the other members have been amazing. I was terrified of counseling too, I thought it would make it hurt more to work through what happened, but I couldn't have been more wrong. It was painful, I won't lie, but it wasn't nearly as painful as keeping it all in and letting it rot me from the inside out. I'm not trying to push it on you or rush you into something you're not ready for, all I'm saying is that when you feel ready, it really is nothing to be afraid of, especi
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