[(Post #1) Hello, It Happened 29 Yrs Ago]

Hi Carolyn,

Like you, this is also my first post here, and like you, I'm not quite sure how this site works :-)

I have a similar experience to you. I was raped 26 years ago and I didn't talk to anyone about it. I always knew I'd been raped, I just 'chose' not to speak about it. I didn't think that talking about it would help.... Recently I felt inspired to find the man that did it and give back to him the awful feelings I'd been carrying. A few different things in my life combined to make this happen. I went through a hurtful experience with my now partner, which we dealt with very healthily. I had never had an experience like that before and it gave me confidence that I could face something awful and be ok. Then the victim impact statement of the Stanford sexual assault survivor was published, and I was so INSPIRED and wished that it could have been like that for me (she was clearly very well supported, which is wonderful). I tracked down the perpetrator, and started working (again) with a counsellor. It has been a remarkable experience. On the one hand I'd say that it is because I have all the ingredients in place to be able to grow through this, that it came back up for me - a secure life, a supportive relationship, loving and capable friends, and access to counsellors, and trust in myself. But I know it has come up other times in my life and I just haven't been ready. Oh, I just read the last sentence of your last post, you were inspired by the Stanford letter too. :-) Hello!

I was really moved by the way she really clearly located responsibility with the perpetrator. When I tracked mine down, I really wanted to "give back" to him the memories I could feel locked in my body. I didn't really know how I was going to do it, I didn't really know how to think about it, or envisage what would happen. I found his son, who told me his dad had died 18 months ago. So I rethought my position. At first I wanted to 'dump' on the son and tell him what his dad had done. Thankfully, after a session with my counsellor it occurred to me that if I did that, the son was probably going to react defensively and I wouldn't like the response and I was potentially setting myself up to have a bad experience. And the point of all the work I was doing was to change things like that!! So I approached him much more gently :-) Anyhow, there is a space here somewhere for 'telling your story". I realised I just started doing that on your post. I'll go find it. :-)

I have had the privilege to work through understanding my story, with the support of my perpetrator's family, who also suffered at this hands. I never expected such a thing to happen and it has been incredible. I have also worked on it with a counsellor, and I have drawn in my closest friends and family and they have also helped me. I still need to 'talk it out' some more, and explore the impacts etc, which is why I'm here. I'm happy to dialogue with you, for our mutual help, if that sounds useful to you.

Linda

ps If anyone knows of a way to thank the Stanford survivor for the amazing job she did speaking out, I'd love to know.