ttrying

Not been here for a while now…have been really struggling. Have no one to turn too as I have to look after mum and dad too. So much stress and just feel lost…like I am drowning and there is nobody to help..😔

I’m sorry for being MIA lately. With the anniversary dates, falling on thanksgiving day no less, and the appeal possibly expiring or moving forward at the same time, I haven’t been much good to anyone, even myself. I just want you all to know how special you are to me and that I’m comitted and grateful for AS. 

Appeal deadline is supposedly the 17th, which is a weekend so I guess it is the 19th. Five more days. Nothing has been done in a year. A year ago today, the court reporter finished compiling the transcript for the defense. They picked it up on 12/6/17 and that was it. I am afraid they will blindside me again like they did continually during the course of the hearings and fight to get to trial. I hope and pray it comes and goes without incident and that this will be truly over. I am going to email the prosecutor on 11/19 and ask if it is over. 

So brave, sitting with you sending support with thoughts of hope and healing, teleah

The TRIAL is NEXT WEEK. I am in knots waiting for Monday...

My boyfriend and I broke up today

My boyfriend and I broke up today

Confused, hurting, old, broken, irreparable, unwanted, dirty, worthless...how I feel right now...

One of my strongest memories  is from when I was watching the Oscars with my first real boyfriend, who was also the first person I ever told about my assault, and Lady Gaga came on and performed Til It Happens To You. I cried in his arms but I didn't feel weak, I felt strong and it was a really special moment for both of us. For anyone who hasn't heard the song or seen that live performance I definitely recommend looking it up, it will most likely trigger a lot of emotions but it features survivors standing together and it is so beautiful and empowering. Since then, well actually since the first time I ever heard the song and saw the music video, it has stuck with me in a really special way. As some of you know, I am a competitive dancer, and so I often compete lyrical/contemporary solos. At the last two competitions, a solo to Til It Happens to You has been in my category. The first time, it was right after mine and when I saw the name on the list before I went on stage it psyched me out a bit but I kept it together until I saw the dance after and cried because it was so beautiful. At the next competition, another dance to Til It Happens to You was the number right before mine. There are so many dances at competitions so having this happen twice was a crazy coincidence. I watched as much as I could from the wings and it did not psych me out. It empowered me. I channeled these true raw real emotions and I went on stage and gave it everything I had. It made me stronger. I scored really well and placed in the overalls. I'm not a super spiritual person but I believe this song follows me and sometimes plays exactly when I need it to. Just wanted to share. Thanks for listening

One of my strongest memories  is from when I was watching the Oscars with my first real boyfriend, who was also the first person I ever told about my assault, and Lady Gaga came on and performed Til It Happens To You. I cried in his arms but I didn't feel weak, I felt strong and it was a really special moment for both of us. For anyone who hasn't heard the song or seen that live performance I definitely recommend looking it up, it will most likely trigger a lot of emotions but it features survivors standing together and it is so beautiful and empowering. Since then, well actually since the first time I ever heard the song and saw the music video, it has stuck with me in a really special way. As some of you know, I am a competitive dancer, and so I often compete lyrical/contemporary solos. At the last two competitions, a solo to Til It Happens to You has been in my category. The first time, it was right after mine and when I saw the name on the list before I went on stage it psyched me out a bit but I kept it together until I saw the dance after and cried because it was so beautiful. At the next competition, another dance to Til It Happens to You was the number right before mine. There are so many dances at competitions so having this happen twice was a crazy coincidence. I watched as much as I could from the wings and it did not psych me out. It empowered me. I channeled these true raw real emotions and I went on stage and gave it everything I had. It made me stronger. I scored really well and placed in the overalls. I'm not a super spiritual person but I believe this song follows me and sometimes plays exactly when I need it to. Just wanted to share. Thanks for listening

Yesterday was my 17th birthday! AND I won my dance competition over the weekend!

Just got mad paranoia in a grocery store isle alone when a man walked toward me. He was just shopping obviously. What's wrong withme I thought I was past this.

Crying because there is a monster in the white house. Thinking about the terrible things he has said amd what this means for us survivors and all women and people. #notmypresident 😭😭😭

I had to take a break from AS for a while, it was just the right thing for me emotionally. But I'm back now and I am feeling a little strange. I am casually dating a guy and last night I told him about my assault when I wasn't planning on ever telling him. He was sympathetic and said "I'm sorry that happened to you" and he was also very angry "I want to beat that kid up, you don't do that to a girl. You don't treat another human being that way." But he also said a few things that really made me feel bad. He asked "why didn't you run away?" Not in an accusatory way just honest curiosity but it still made me feel a strange kind of guilt and stupidity. When I explained to him that I was pinned down and fought back but it wasn't enough because I was in shock, he appologized for asking and said he understood. He said he treats girls like queens and  would never do that to me and respects me and will always listen to me. He said this doesn't change the way he feels about me. He also kept asking "what's this kid's name? He needs to be f*d up. I'm really pissed right now wtf" And things like that. I just don't know how I feel about telling him I kind of regret it but was this the right thing to do? I don't know. 

I'm taking a break from AS for a while. But, I wish everyone the best on their healing journeys. 

I wish I didn't feel so unsafe. 😔

I've been without my grandmother (essentially my mother) for two long, hard years now. I am numb. I can't believe I can't pick up the phone and call her for her wisdom and loving advice. She was my rock...the one I always ran to when I needed someone. I am thankful that my other family, especially my aunts, have taken that spot. I am so grateful for their love and support. Everyone in my family knows what happened to me. They are all behind me. It is so encouraging.

I even got a lovely gift from one aunt today. It is a teal ribbon themed Pandora charm bracelet in colors of teal, gold, silver, and white diamonds. I am speechless. The amount of money, time, and effort it took to give me this special gift is indeed humbling. I posted it in Teal Tears (of support) for iheartcupcakes. 

I am sad, but I am blessed.