Whisper

Blue Fandom, welcome to AS. I agree with what everyone has already said, but I also want to say something else. Going to someone's house is not consent to sex. You told him clearly that you did not want to have sex, but he pressured you until you finally agreed to let him give you oral. Now think about this: If he really wanted to have sex, then why would he pressure you to let him give you oral instead of pressuring you to give him oral? Because he wanted so badly to give you pleasure? No, he pressured you to let him give you oral because he intended to start that way and then move to intercourse. He was being very calculating and manipulative because he knew that either you would give in once you were aroused or he would just do it anyway because you wouldn't be able to stop him at that point. Plus he realized that you would think exactly the way you are thinking: "Well, I said yes to oral, so I effectively consented to anything else he wanted to do me." Furthermore, even if you thought it was rape, you would fear that nobody would believe you because everyone else would think that you consented. Therefore, you would never say anything to anyone. And how could you prove that you didn't consent after he got you ready for him so there would be no physical trauma? He manipulated you and when you cried afterwards, he was cold and did not care that you were upset. He is clearly a predator and you were a victim. So it was in no way your fault and I can assure you that you are not the only one to whom he has done this. I would bet that he uses this trick on many women and it is disgusting. The only way we are ever going to stop abuse is if we stop blaming ourselves and start holding abusers accountable for their despicable actions. I'm not telling you to report him, but please stop blaming yourself and instead be angry with this pig for what he did to you and undoubtedly does to other women because it is not acceptable. Screaming or hitting back would not have made any difference. By the time you would have done that, he would already have penetrated you. It is unlikely that you would have gotten him off of you before he was finished and, even if you had, he would already have raped you and you would still be struggling with the same feelings. It is not your fault. That man is a rapist and it is ALWAYS the rapist's fault and only the rapist's fault. No exceptions.

Welcome SignIn, I am also older and dealing with abuse from a long time ago, but not because I blocked it out. I note that you have a tag that says that you have two teenagers. The fact that you have children who are approaching the age that you were when you were raped might have something to do with why it is coming up now. Just something for you to think about.

Lostwoman, AS is a good and safe place where you can find support at all hours of the day and night, but I think more people are around during day time or evening in the US. I encourage you to spend some time here just to experience having the support and understanding of other people who know what you are going through. I think you will find it very helpful. If you find that you are not able to get the support that you need precisely when you need it here, then I suggest that you contact RAINN (www.rainn.org) at the times when you feel like you can't handle the pain alone. You can contact them anonymously either by phone or chat and talked to a counselor 24/7.