Thank you all very much! It was a pretty rough week for me, I finally, after decades, talked about all of this with a professional. And I won't say it was comfortable - I felt more freaked out by the whole thing right after talking than I did before, and wondered if I had made a huge mistake, should I have just shut up, not think about this, put them all back in their boxes and tape them up tight so I won't look at them again.
I've been feeling very shaky for the last few days, but, it's getting better. I am angry that it happened, I am angry that when I asked for help it only got worse.. and I am sad that I never, in so many years, realized that asking for help isn't always dangerous. I'm sad that I missed so much, and that I waited this long.
I'm a little scared right now, but it's because now I know I there are ways I can maybe learn to trust people - but I'm going to have to trust people in order to learn.
Reading about the experiences of others and their feelings here, and that I'm not the first person to think "maybe it was my fault". Not even the first one to think that for almost half a century.
I feel hopeful. I'm so glad I found this place and all of you.
I'm so glad I found "Dear Survivor" in another area here. I'm reading it a couple times a day until the word "... but" stops coming up in my head while I'm reading.
Thank you for being here when I needed a safe place to be.