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Posts posted by Hawkgirl

  1. 50 minutes ago, Needpeace1 said:

    Thankyou so much

    This is so helpful and quite weird that only yesterday I was sat watching telly and I googled help for csa and I came across someone saying to write a letter. I picked up a pad and paper I only managed to write one page and it was full of anger but I did feel a weight lifted. I felt t like some of the aches and pains in my body I live with every day somehow disappeared for a while. I paced up and down my living room crying. A little bit of me thought I was going a little bit crazy but I always manage to talk myself back from a breakdown.

    Do you get angry towards your mum?

    I do

    I moved back i with my mum and dad as i cant seem to get my shit together.

    I live in the house where it happened and I know I need to move out but it's not going to happen yet.


    Thankyou for your help and kind words



     I live where nearly everything happened too.  Although the first place is within driving distance or a bus ride of here.  No I don't get angry at my mom, I get angry that she married a man she only knew for 3 months (90 day fiancée)    When I look at the price i paid for that decision,, yes I was seeing red.  I had never wrote out my experiences before until one day a friend asked me to write about it.    I kept those emotions inside locked away and never breathed a word about it.  Everything was fine but I was not.  So i sat down and tried to write abou tit. I started writing and crying which...is not a pretty picture for me at all.  But I could no longer handle the stress and writing became my outlet for it.   It is quite therapeutic to do it and it allows you to say whatever you want to say about it.   I am glad you were able to write a letter and that it helped some.  Honestly, I know it feels like you are going crazy by crying.  That is how I felt at first when I finally started crying again.  People are concerned when you don't have an emotional reaction to something.  I had to tell myself it's s perfectly ok for me to cry..  I go over all the reasons that crying is ok.  It is helping me to relieve the pressure cooker that is my temper.  It is helping me address some of the pain I am feeling.  It is helping me come to the place where I can admit that this hurts.  There is nothing wrong with me admitting that I am actually in pain and have been for a long time.  As hard as it it to live where these things happened, I don;'t think it is a thing of not being able to get your s*** together and more so things feel really out of control right now.  For be, being at home has been difficult.  A lot of the things that were happening before are happening now.  Habits that don't stop are all around me.  Yet, for me, my mom felt I could not live on my own because I would not answer the phone.   I wished my mom had thought about some of these things but the truth is, many women grow up and marry men similar to their fathers.   I don't want to make that mistake.  But I find as I walk the path, I  am learning more about myself.  I am able to cry if I need to and i fully give myself permission to do that.  I consider it part of self care.  If you decide to write a story or a book in creative fiction, let me know.  I can send you some prompts and then you go from there.  I think you will find it healing and you will find a place to channel your anger too.   Telling  your story may help another to find healing too.   Keep swinging for the fences.

    http://dcrcc.org/counseling/no-straight-path/      I think you will find this helpful.  

  2. @Needpeace1

    Welcome to AS.   I am sorry for all that you have been through.  I can relate to where you are.  Have you tried writing?  I know that sounds so trite, but I find it most helpful to express things when I can't find the verbal words for them.   I am not always a huge fan of self-help books because they are sometimes too vague.   But I find writing helps immensely.  I have a special journal set aside just for that.  It helps me to decompress a bit and I am able to put words, feelings and yes even anger on the pages.  It helps me because then it is not just rolling around upstairs. It is out of the attic and on paper.  It allows me to permit myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel without it becoming destructive.  For me some of my anger came from the fact childhood wasn't normal.  It also shows me the decisions of others has an impact in my life and honestly, that makes me angry.  I think it is normal to be angry.  It is just having to stuff it growing up is what makes expressing it hard now.   Something I started doing was writing a book (creative fiction) with elements of my own story in there.  That helped me as I could describe the characters of others who had contributed to the abuse any way I chose.  I think this may help you.  There is a seminar that is done yearly on trauma writing.  I think it is something that you may like to consider.

  3. @smilewhenyoucan

       Hi, welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us.  I have found support and friends here too.  We are here to listen to your experience and help where we can.  It's important for you to know you aren't alone.

    Please be good to yourself .

  4. Hi Dannie,

      Welcome to AS.  I am so sorry for what you have experienced.  I know how much that hurts.  But I want you to know you aren’t disposable. You are not disposable.  What that person did to you was wrong.  It was unfair and it hurts. It is ok to cry, it is ok to mourn and it is ok to say that you are hurting.  I think people try to make us fix things when we are younger without acknowledging who the problem party really is.  I understand about wanting to leave.  I understand about wanting to run away.   I too heard the lie that time heals all wounds.  Some sounds are too deep for time to heal.  Often what one faces is downplayed because it unpleasant.  Mentioning counseling gets the uncomfortable glances and people give the side eye.  It is ok, there are people here who do care about you.   There are people here willing to walk with you too.  I want you to know you are not alone and his actions don’t define you.

    Sitting with you :candle:





  5. 1 hour ago, Looking4theSun said:

    Hello everyone. I've come to this site numerous times in the past few months but never had the strength to sign up. I kept trying to ignore everything that happened but today I'm having a very low day so I decided to make that first step. No one knows and I've been feeling extremely alone for a long time. I can't keep living this way so I'm ready to start my journey towards finding comfort and healing.


    Welcome to AS!   I am sorry for the trauma you experienced.  I think you will find a vsupportive community here.   Each journey toward recovery is different.  One of the first things is to be good to yourself.   :notalone::aswelcomesu:  

  6. Hi. Schnitzel,

      Welcome to AS.  Family and friends don’t understand the aftermath.  They see it as that was then and this is now.  Sometimes I think they would understand if it were  something that happened to them.   It is most unfair as we try to come to terms with the pain we feel inside and the aftermath too.  Their perspective only adds to the pain.   I am sorry for all you have experienced.   I have found this space to be very supportive and have learned a few things along the way.  I hope you find the same as well.    

  7. Hi Sonny, welcome to AS.  You will find alot of people who understand in some way what you are dealing with.  @howlieowl is right,. You will find support here and friendship too.   You can heal, you aren't alone and we are here to support you too.   

  8. @Zoe7 

    Hi and welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us.   I want to start out by saying you are not alone.  There are times something like this can leave you feeling isolated and alone.  You aren't alone.  You can heal and it's not your fault.  

  9. @mary0331 

    Hi and welcome to AS. I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us.  I am also sorry your husband is abusive to you and has treated you so poorly.  You didn't deserve that.  You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.   Do you have any hobbies you like to engage in?  Hobbies that get you out of the house?   Painting, drawing, writing classes?  Some community colleges offer free courses based on age.  Some courses are free or low cost based on enrichment.  They are designed to for people who aren't going after a degree.    Going to a support group is also another thing that can help too.  Those can be just as varied as anything else.   But those can he helpful too. As for AS, take a look around.  You will find plenty of support here.  There are alot of caring people here.  The main thing to remember is you are not alone.  If I can help, please let me know.   Sending safe hugs if ok. :hug:Sitting with you :candle:

  10. @Cam Francia 

    Hi and welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us.   You have really been through something terrible and I can imagine the pain of keeping that secret inside.  Abuse sends us all the wrong messages and we have to sort those out in the process. The first thing to learn is you are not alone.  There are many people who have been through abusive situations.  You asked what do you need to do.  Would you believe you already on your way?  Yes, you are already engaged in the healing process.  Now some people go to support groups both online and IRL.  Some go through counseling.  While counseling is a big one, each person's healing process is unique to them.  If you choose to go into counseling, be sure to try to find someone who specializes in Child Sexual Abuse.  Keep an open mind because the first therapist aka T might not be the best one or right one for you.  If you go for counseling aka C, the same is true.   Part of the healing process is working toward being able to tell the story.  For me that meant not keeping their secret any more. It meant being honest about what really happened and putting a voice to that pain which had been silent for so long.  That might mean journaling about your experiences.  It might mean talking with a friend about your experiences.  It might mean going to RAINN for online chat about what happened.  No one can tell you what your healing path will look like.   One of the things you definitely need is a support system.  Some people who are here don''t have one to speak of and this is their support system.  Rather you choose counseling, therapy, support group or online support group, make sure you are good to yourself.  Do you have any grounding techniques in place for when thoughts come up and flashbacks play?  Please check out this site.  It is a good place and has a lot of good information for how to heal.  http://dcrcc.org/counseling/no-straight-path/

    Grounding techniques can help shorten the duration of a flashback. There is a lot of information on there that will be of some help to you.  You can also do chat in the chat room here at AS.  You can also visit RAINN for their online crisis chat.  Do something nice for yourself.  Give yourself time and be good to yourself.  One of the common things is to think there was something that you could have done to change the outcome. But it wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve what happened to you.  But you can heal.  Sitting with you and walking with you too, if ok.  :candle:

  11. @Bobbi27

    Hi, welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us.  I am sorry you have felt so isolated when trying to deal with this.  That can be difficult and difficult isn't the proper word for it.  You can move forward with your life and heal.  The healing process is a bit of a journey but it is worth it every step of the way. If you just want to chat, try the chat room.  You are not alone and you can heal. 

    I'll walk with you if you like.  Keep swinging for the fences. :candle:

  12. @Me89 

     Hi and welcome to AS!  I am sorry for what brought you here but I am so glad you found us.   Healing is hard but you are already well on the path.  It takes courage to admit what happened.   Admitting it happened is the major step to healing.  :notalone::youcanheal::aswelcomesu:.  You will find plenty of support here.  When you are ready, there is a place to tell your story.  Take your time.  No pressure to do anything.  One of the biggest mistakes I made early on was trying to heal and rushing through it.  It's tempting but it is unfair to you.  Give yourself time and above all be good to yourself.   

  13. @Scarlet_rise 

    Welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us. :-). You have nothing to be nervous about.  It is entirely fine.  No one here will say your experience is "milder".  Every experience is valid.  When you are ready to tell your story, go for it.  One of the things about coming through this sort of thing is sometimes it is a fight.  Everyone here at some point learned to keep the secret about what happened.  Some learned to down play it.   Never think your experience is milder.  That's down playing it.  The jerk or people who hurt you don't deserve to have their actions downplayed.   As for being braver, you already are braver.  You are in the warrior class with the rest of us.  You survived something terrible.  Healing is possible.  You are already on the road to healing. Keep at it. 

  14. Hi Lunamoon, 

    Welcome to AS.  Try going to RAINN at www.rainn.org.   They have a crisis chat.  I am sorry you have been through such a terrible experience.   If you are outside of the US, i can research some options for you.  Hang in there.  :notalone:


  15. Hi Miss Owlish,

    Welcome to AS.  I am sorry it seems like the universe has it out for you.   Abuse, no matter when it happened is really hard to deal with sometimes.   You aren't alone.  There is someone here that can identify with what you have experienced.  :notalone: :youcanheal:

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