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Everything posted by Hawkgirl

  1. @NeedPeace I live where nearly everything happened too. Although the first place is within driving distance or a bus ride of here. No I don't get angry at my mom, I get angry that she married a man she only knew for 3 months (90 day fiancée) When I look at the price i paid for that decision,, yes I was seeing red. I had never wrote out my experiences before until one day a friend asked me to write about it. I kept those emotions inside locked away and never breathed a word about it. Everything was fine but I was not. So i sat down and tried to write abou tit. I started writing and crying which...is not a pretty picture for me at all. But I could no longer handle the stress and writing became my outlet for it. It is quite therapeutic to do it and it allows you to say whatever you want to say about it. I am glad you were able to write a letter and that it helped some. Honestly, I know it feels like you are going crazy by crying. That is how I felt at first when I finally started crying again. People are concerned when you don't have an emotional reaction to something. I had to tell myself it's s perfectly ok for me to cry.. I go over all the reasons that crying is ok. It is helping me to relieve the pressure cooker that is my temper. It is helping me address some of the pain I am feeling. It is helping me come to the place where I can admit that this hurts. There is nothing wrong with me admitting that I am actually in pain and have been for a long time. As hard as it it to live where these things happened, I don;'t think it is a thing of not being able to get your s*** together and more so things feel really out of control right now. For be, being at home has been difficult. A lot of the things that were happening before are happening now. Habits that don't stop are all around me. Yet, for me, my mom felt I could not live on my own because I would not answer the phone. I wished my mom had thought about some of these things but the truth is, many women grow up and marry men similar to their fathers. I don't want to make that mistake. But I find as I walk the path, I am learning more about myself. I am able to cry if I need to and i fully give myself permission to do that. I consider it part of self care. If you decide to write a story or a book in creative fiction, let me know. I can send you some prompts and then you go from there. I think you will find it healing and you will find a place to channel your anger too. Telling your story may help another to find healing too. Keep swinging for the fences. http://dcrcc.org/counseling/no-straight-path/ I think you will find this helpful.
  2. @Needpeace1 Welcome to AS. I am sorry for all that you have been through. I can relate to where you are. Have you tried writing? I know that sounds so trite, but I find it most helpful to express things when I can't find the verbal words for them. I am not always a huge fan of self-help books because they are sometimes too vague. But I find writing helps immensely. I have a special journal set aside just for that. It helps me to decompress a bit and I am able to put words, feelings and yes even anger on the pages. It helps me because then it is not just rolling around upstairs. It is out of the attic and on paper. It allows me to permit myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel without it becoming destructive. For me some of my anger came from the fact childhood wasn't normal. It also shows me the decisions of others has an impact in my life and honestly, that makes me angry. I think it is normal to be angry. It is just having to stuff it growing up is what makes expressing it hard now. Something I started doing was writing a book (creative fiction) with elements of my own story in there. That helped me as I could describe the characters of others who had contributed to the abuse any way I chose. I think this may help you. There is a seminar that is done yearly on trauma writing. I think it is something that you may like to consider.
  3. @smilewhenyoucan Hi, welcome to AS. I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us. I have found support and friends here too. We are here to listen to your experience and help where we can. It's important for you to know you aren't alone. Please be good to yourself .
  4. Hi Dannie, Welcome to AS. I am so sorry for what you have experienced. I know how much that hurts. But I want you to know you aren’t disposable. You are not disposable. What that person did to you was wrong. It was unfair and it hurts. It is ok to cry, it is ok to mourn and it is ok to say that you are hurting. I think people try to make us fix things when we are younger without acknowledging who the problem party really is. I understand about wanting to leave. I understand about wanting to run away. I too heard the lie that time heals all wounds. Some sounds are too deep for time to heal. Often what one faces is downplayed because it unpleasant. Mentioning counseling gets the uncomfortable glances and people give the side eye. It is ok, there are people here who do care about you. There are people here willing to walk with you too. I want you to know you are not alone and his actions don’t define you. Sitting with you .
  5. @Looking4theSun Welcome to AS! I am sorry for the trauma you experienced. I think you will find a vsupportive community here. Each journey toward recovery is different. One of the first things is to be good to yourself.
  6. Hi. Schnitzel, Welcome to AS. Family and friends don’t understand the aftermath. They see it as that was then and this is now. Sometimes I think they would understand if it were something that happened to them. It is most unfair as we try to come to terms with the pain we feel inside and the aftermath too. Their perspective only adds to the pain. I am sorry for all you have experienced. I have found this space to be very supportive and have learned a few things along the way. I hope you find the same as well.
  7. Loading a profile pic is done differently. Let me see if I can find the post on it. I have not figured out how to do a cover pic. Gravatar is the way to upload a profile pic.
  8. Hello @someone934 Welcome to AS. It is a very caring and supportive community here.
  9. @JustSam Thank you for writing this. When I first read this I thought about everything I had been through. I knew what they did was deliberate. It wasn't anything they accidentally did and it wasn't a bunch of child's play. I think the thing I think about the most is what would my life had been like had I not gone through that. I had held on to dreams of marriage and family and even after being proposed to I turned the guy down. In retrospect, my family should have been there. My mother should have thought for herself and not listened to her often drunken and high husband. I wonder what I would have been like. I know what I am like now. I see where I have grown. I see where I still need to grow.
  10. @limbodante No, you aren't an idiot for wanting things to be better than they were. She didn't treat you right. She hurt you. When we look at things in retrospect, it is always so many red flags because hindsight is crystal clear. Please be good to yourself.
  11. Hawkgirl

    New here

    Hi Izz, Welcome to AS.
  12. @msmary Welcome to AS.
  13. First I need to apologize for not replying to anyone on the show of support for my last blog entry. My thoughts were jumbled together and I was unable to really say much. The visit with the surgeon was in short devastating. His decision to call the transplant coordinator was equally painful. My tears have now dried and I am no longer thinking of quitting so I can at least write a little now. The thought of waiting two years is a bit much. I don't have the energy to wait that long. I sort of thought that might be the response of the transplant team. Still I am in the process of processing everything. I have gone silent IRL and with the exception of the occasional email, I don't really say much of anything. I hurt a lot right now but it is lessening some. I am fidgeting a lot more so I am employing my spinners more frequently. I am debating speaking to my doctor about anxiety meds but I don't know about that just yet. I have to do more research on it. I will likely need to find something I am not allergic to as well. I am finding this process a bit taxing. I am not going to quit. I am going to keep swinging for the fences.
  14. I did follow up yesterday from the surgery I had for cancer. Much to my surprise, his tune was far different than that of the endocrinologist. She was upbeat, optimistic and looking forward to me being transplanted. My visit with the surgeon deep sixed those plans and I was taken aback. The cancer wasn't contained to the thyroid as originally thought. It had spread to the lymph nodes. Now it is a matter of getting those nodes removed. To say I was blown away is an understatement. I cried. We were totally unprepared for this. Completely and totally unprepared. Now hearing that they are fiddling with health care it makes me wonder if we are headed for another Great Depression. I have spent the better part of the day trying to process yesterday's doctor's visit. It was overwhelming and I am searching for the bright spot in this. I know there is a bright spot. It is still treatable. It is not hopeless or useless. It is going to be ok. Things just hurt right now. So next step, more surgery followed by radiation.
  15. Hi Queenie, Welcome to AS! There is always someone listening here like the others have said.
  16. Powerful,

    I was wondering how you are.  Just wanted say hi.  Hope you are well.  Sending you safe hugs if ok :hug:

  17. @BreakMyShell , Wonderfullly written but I must disagree with you on one aspect, you are not a loser. I am sorry that kid was so rude and disrespectful to you. It takes special people to work with children. If no one else tells you, you are a hero.
  18. I told my best friend and she had her own story to tell. I told my mother who in turn told my stepfather. He pitched a fit and accused me of making it up to tear the family apart. He didn't tell her he called me a s***, w**** and b****. I eventually told my godmother who also had a story of her own to tell. We agreed not to tell my godfather or uncle as both would have gone to prison for their actions. So they don't know. The family expects that I can just "get over it". My mother doesn't but it is hard to tell where she is on things like letting me know when they are coming over. She doesn't do this so I get to hear their voices and their laughter etc. I am supposed to be ok with it but honestly, I am not. The first time I had cancer was the last time my stepbrother was in my room. Two years ago, he stopped over. I looked up to an open door and there he is. He said he just wanted to see how I was doing. I am going to watch a movie now.
  19. @Queen P Welcome to AS!
  20. What makes me afraid is that I will not be able to say the words. There are certain things I don't speak about. This unfortunately makes people think whatever it is I am dealing with is not that important. But in reading your post, I was reminded of the things that keep me from talking about my experiences verbally. I find its easiest to write about these things rather than to verbally speak them. I find I stammer a bit if I try to verbally convey any part of that story. The last person I spoke to about this at any length was exceptionally patient. I am grateful for that. Hearing the words, does make it real...it make it what is perhaps the most important acknowledgment, my own acknowledgment. People don't understand when I say things that other survivors understand. It's not because we are weak, but because we have battle scars from an internal war. Most people never understand that.
  21. @Sunrise Kitten Hey! Welcome to AS! I am sorry for what brought you here but I can tell you this is a very supportive community. You will find lots of support here.
  22. I don't talk much about health but found out I have cancer round 2.   I'm going to throw a shindig just cuz I can.  I'm going to grab me a shake since I'm out and about.  Leave me a positive comment.  Looking to celebrate something good with you.  Your good news is encouraging to me.  Ready? Set? Post! 

    1. Show previous comments  20 more
    2. Painnbroken
    3. snmls


      Thank you @Hawkgirl  I'm planning on studying health law.  :)

    4. limbodante


      I have a date today, I meet my gf for the first time, we're meeting at a steampunk crafts fair ^_^

  23. Hi Sonny, welcome to AS. You will find alot of people who understand in some way what you are dealing with. @howlieowl is right,. You will find support here and friendship too. You can heal, you aren't alone and we are here to support you too.
  24. I have been planning for quite sometime on writing a book. Well I have been thinking about intensely for years. Yet I finally started working on it yesterday. It feels like the time is right. This feels like what I am supposed to be doing right now. It is so hard to believe but the story, my story is finally coming together. I am facing with without the fear of previous attempts. I am facing it without the fear of backlash. I am facing it for the giant it is in my life. I am slaying it for the hell it has given me. I look at the pain I have been in for so long. I look at it, with it's shattered mirror shards jutting out. It looks so frightening and yet almost pitifully suffering. It needs to be dealt with and it needs to be treated. I have thought of counseling and I may look into that at some point again. Bad experiences with counselors in the past has caused me to look at that subject a bit warily. Yet, even now as I look at other ways of healing certain wounds, I am look the task before me. Putting those words into print, so that the world can know. So that I will have my voice. So I can help others speak. I must be able to speak and to tell what happened to me. I must no longer keep silent. As keeping silent keeps the pain going. It's like an infection, festering, blistering...growing until I feel nothing at all. I look forward to the day when my stories are purely fictional and my hero is able to win the fight. I will get there, but I have to tell the truth first. I have to tell the truth of those horrible years. I have to put a voice to that silence that has encased me like a tomb, gnawing at me like squirrel with a cracker. I have to speak the truth, perhaps not in love this time but speak it none the less. May this lancing and surgery be what I need to heal. I won't quit and I won't back down. Its time to take flight. They don't get to win. I don't have to keep the secret anymore. Even in knowing this, it feels like I am returning to an old flame. An old love with a renewed love of the art. Here's hoping I don't lose sight of the goal.
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