Hawkgirl

Hello everyone! Phew it’s been a while since I came to visit . I have good news tho I graduated with the the congratulations of the jury and earned my bachelor degree as well as my CAE from Cambridge . 
 

Although I’ve been doing okay for the past few weeks , summer is always hard for me . Today is the anniversary of my wedding , when my parents sold me to my rapist . I would be glad to have someone sit me with me through this . 
 

I apologize to all friends I haven’t messaged back in a while , I promise to come back to you shortly and I love you all dearly . 💓

This face always, ALWAYS helps my mood.  Sharing the cuteness - here’s my fur-buddy trying to convince me not to go to work.  He did lose that battle, but he wins his fair share. 😉

Thursday and Friday (the anniversary dates) are bearing down on me. My beloved little foster dog was adopted Sunday and although I have another, it always breaks my heart to let one go. I also got some news about my dad. He has terminal pancreatic cancer that spread to his lungs, which is the main issue. He has survived way longer than predicted, but now his lungs are giving out on him. He can barely breathe. Even with treatments, he says he feels like someone is standing on his chest. Work is overwhelming, holiday travel is too, and so much more. I am just feeling overwhelmed and EXHAUSTED. My body just flat wants to give up. I have no energy and I yawn all day and fight sleep. I just want to go to bed but I can't. I have deadlines to meet and no one else to do the work. Praying that the weekend comes soon and brings relief. Saturday I am going to the local shelter to take pictures of the dogs there for adoption to post and hopefully get them exposure so they will find homes. I know I will enjoy that. Thanksgiving week will be good, I hope. For the first time, the anniversaries are not near it, since Thanksgiving is later this year. I hope that means I can move on and feel better. 

Came across this gem on my newsfeed on social media and wanted to share with everyone here.  It is imperative to be compassionate to yourself in times of difficulty. Self-care is a great way to do that to help yourself heal. It is giving yourself permission to pause, to love yourself, to be kind to yourself and remember that you are just human and you are doing your best.     Sending you all love and safe hugs!!

I need to talk but I don't want to trigger anyone

Does anyone else feel angry or sad that they were unable to have a normal relationship and children because of the sexual abuse?

i'm not doing well at all. i feel like im dying :'(

The Monster earned his GED in prison last month. Without thinking, my first reaction was positive. POSITIVE. I thought, "Oh that's wonderful! I am so prou-" When I realized the word proud was coming I stopped short. I realized it wasn't Vasquez that I was thinking of. He is gone. The sweet kid I taught and loved is gone. He is now The Monster and I was sick to my stomach. How on earth could I forget? Even for a second?? Why would my mind EVER remember who he used to be before he terrorized and tore my life to shreds? 

Dissociation is bad. Feel so lost in time. Everything has been all distorted for months and I can’t seem to get a grip  

i feel like i dont deserve peace and safety.

I give up on everything what’s the point. Everything is my fault. I just want hide away forever. Had enough of this. Have no more left in me. 

Tired of it all not sleeping,  nonstop flashbacks. feeling of no self worth,  feeling like people say Im important but I am not, tired of light 

I remembered why I don't go out anywhere. It's because I don't fit in anywhere. Even with people I call family. It's hard to be home alone all the time, but it is much worse to be alone when you are actually with other people. Then you are trapped feeling like you are inconvenient and a nothing, which is how I feel tonight.  

I remembered why I don't go out anywhere. It's because I don't fit in anywhere. Even with people I call family. It's hard to be home alone all the time, but it is much worse to be alone when you are actually with other people. Then you are trapped feeling like you are inconvenient and a nothing, which is how I feel tonight.  

I'm feeling bad, like I'm an annoyance, taking up space and breathing air that is meant for others. I can't seem to get anything right. I'm tired of trying. 

At a loss with everything right now 

Got a voice mail today telling me to ring my mental health team so the can explain what's happening with my appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. I got a feeling this is another one cancelled again. I can't take this anymore!!!!!!!! 

My cats have me under their paw. 

I'm done with feeling sad and a screw up.

Im in a mood Im not sure of today.  I dont want to be around anyone or even talk or see a single person. I have even shut my phone off which I never do.  Im not sure whats up with me today.

Fed Up With Every Thing 

Woke up with nosebleed. Freaky 

you would hate me if you knew.....

I feel like the ugly duckling today maybe someday ill emerge a beautiful swan after all this trauma goes away

Been thinking about you