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Hawkgirl

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  1. @JustSam 

    Thank you for writing this.  When I first read this I thought about everything I had been through.  I knew what they did was deliberate.  It wasn't anything they accidentally did and it wasn't a bunch of child's play.   I think the thing I think about the most is what would my life had been like had I not gone through that.  I had held on to dreams of marriage and family and even after being proposed to I turned the guy down.  In retrospect, my family should have been there.  My mother should have thought for herself and not listened to her often drunken and high husband.  I wonder what I would have been like. I know what I am like now.  I see where I have grown.  I see where I still need to grow.


  2.   :triggering2:I told my best friend and she had her own story to tell.  I told my mother who in turn told my stepfather.  He pitched a fit and accused me of making it up to tear the family apart.  He didn't tell her he called me a s***, w**** and b****.   I eventually told my godmother who also had a story of her own to tell.  We agreed not to tell my godfather or uncle as both would have gone to prison for their actions.  So they don't know.  The family expects that I can just "get over it".  My mother doesn't but it is hard to tell where she is on things like letting me know when they are coming over.  She doesn't do this so I get to hear their voices and their laughter etc.  I am supposed to be ok with it but honestly, I am not.  The first time I had cancer was the last time my stepbrother was in my room.  Two years ago, he stopped over.  I looked up to an open door and there he is.  He said he just wanted to see how I was doing.  :triggering2:   I am going to watch a movie now. 


  3. What makes me afraid is that I will not be able to say the words.   There are certain things I don't speak about.   This unfortunately makes people think whatever it is I am dealing with is not that important.  But in reading your post, I was reminded of the things that keep me from talking about my experiences verbally.  I find its easiest to write about these things rather than to verbally speak them.   I find I stammer a bit if I try to verbally convey any part of that story.  The last person I spoke to about this at any length was exceptionally patient.   I am grateful for that.  Hearing the words, does make it real...it make it what is perhaps the most important acknowledgment, my own acknowledgment.  People don't understand when I say things that other survivors understand.  It's not because we are weak, but because we have battle scars from an internal war.   Most people never understand that. 


  4. You are moving forward.  There are times when in the healing process that this is all that comes to mind.  I think of it like a kid telling an adult, this happened.   You have courage.  You have strength but truth be told, some of this is hard to read.  Some of it brings up memories and emotions that are just hard to deal with.  There is a pain that is hard to put into words.  It is hard to put those into words because there is an ache that doesn't just go away.   When the thought hits,, please be good to yourself.  I think it is hard to be good to yourself when you think you are responsible in some way for what happened.  You didn't do anything wrong.  The only ones who aren't innocent in this are your abusers.  Sending you safe hugs if ok, :hug:


  5. You are welcome.  You can also do the online chat at RAINN's website.   You can do chat with one of the RAINN volunteers.  I can understand being afraid to go to there. :)  I had to work up the nerve to email the center that offered counseling.  I have never made it in for my intake.   I had to schedule that but there are some extenuating circumstances that brought about.  When things slow again, I will probably look into again.  You are brave.  Sending you safe hugs if ok. :hug: 


  6. @teaandcoffee 

    Depending on where you are, different r*** crisis centers offer group and individual counseling. These can be free or low cost depending on the center's ability to fund such programs. If you like I can help you research that in whatever country or state you are in. Things are difficult right now.  I believe in you and that you will make it through the rough spots too.  


  7. @howlieowl 

    Hi, welcome to AS.  I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found this place.  I can understand how group therapy can be intimidating.  I can say that it does get easier.  When i first started my journey toward healing it involved going to support groups.  It is a bit intimidating at first but it is worth it in the end.  It starts out where you wonder if your experiences are valid, if no one else tells you, your experiences are just as valid as anyone's.. Abuse is a thing that should never happen. When viewed in light of rather it should happen or not, every experience is valid.  Your experiences can be worse than someone else's experiences.  Your experiences are just as valid as mine.  Mine are just as valid as the next survivor.  You have come through something terrible. I can understand the point of feeling stuck and being worried that all you can do is get stuck in past memories.  Some of the healing process is uncomfortable.  It can be like mountain climbing.  But the good news is, while there are ups and downs, it is worth the ride.  Healing from abuse is constantly in motion.   You can face this and come through it.  I believe in you and I believe you can heal.  :notalone::supportu::youcanheal:


  8. @cantstoprunning75

    You are not alone.  It feels very hard right not but you are not alone.  You have people who care about you.  Living 10,000 miles away, must be difficult.  It sounds like you are on the other side of the world.   I have always hated that "everything happens for a reason" statement too.  I think people throw it out there in an effort to make sense out things that dont readily make sense.  Even when religious people throw that out there, it drives me up the wall. There are some things that just defy  that sort of pat explaination.  Abuse of any sort hurts.  It is hard but abuse is never anything to be ashamed of.  It doesn't define you.  It is an unfortunate part of the narrative but it is not your whole story.  It is an unfortunate part of my story too.  But it is not all of me just like it is not all of you.  It hurts.  It is ok to admit that it hurts.  In fact it is important to admit it hurts.  You might benefit from a support group.  If you need help finding something like that, please let me know.  I can help you look for resources.  I don't mind at all and it's my thing to find things.  Above all, I want you to know one more thing.  You can heal. It will get better.  There are times it is slow going and times when it feels more like skiing in the Olympics, but you will make it through.  Sending you lots of safe hugs if ok. :hug:  Sitting with you :candle:


  9. I should research that quote as I had never heard the full quote before you mentioned it here.  Thank you for sharing this with me.  Yes, I was amazed at how my dad could just adopt people left and right.  After he died, it was very clear why he adopted so many people.  I have aunts and uncles among people I would not otherwise know.   

  10. Here goes


    @Ljay 

     I am sorry for responding so late to your post.  You are brave to speak of your abuse.  My stepbrothers abused me as a child. It takes a lot of strength to put your story into words.   I am glad you were able to share that part of your life here.  I am sorry for all that you experienced.  Keep swinging for the fences.  


  11. Welcome to AS.  You are most certainly a survivor but you are also a warrior.  You are right unfortunately most courts still do not see marital rape as a thing.   It is disturbing but there is a lot of work to be done in that area.  It takes standing up and saying it is a thing and it also means pushing for laws that are different than the current ones.  I am sorry for what you went through.  A spouse is someone whom you share a part of your heart and soul with.  When they do something like this, it is hurtful and it is damaging too.  That is not to say you are damaged.  You aren't.  You do need to heal though.  You have to determine what your triggers are and learn to adjust to the new normal.  The new normal being life after this intrusion.   Rape doesn't belong in any loving relationship.  Down playing it, hurts you in the long run.  Please don't down play your experience.  What he did was wrong.  What he did was unfair to you.   What he did only considered his wants not yours too.   Healing is possible and you are already on the road.  Sending safe hugs if ok.  :hug:


  12. @ceirsha 

    Thank you.  What you said made a lot of sense to me.  I will try what you have suggested here. I have not had a drink for a while.  I don't want to get into that habit of thinking in terms of drinking but that is where my stress takes me.  As much as I love my ex boyfriend, I don't know that being married to him would be the best thing for me.  I believe my faith is a very important component of my life.  My faith doesn't allow for a marriage with someone who doesn't share the same faith.  I would never force the issue. I allow him to make his own choices as forcing someone to believe something isn't fair to them.  He has known this about me since we met.  He also knows that I don't trust easily so he professes his undying love for me.  He talks about his ex wives and tells me of his "skills" which is a huge turn off to me.  But he is a genuinely sweet and understanding man.  He knows about the abuse.  He knows about the nightmares it brings.  When I told him about it, the first time, he got angry.  Not at me but at my abusers.  He feels his daughter should have been with me, not with someone else.  Yet that relationship was complicated.  I felt more inadequate than anything.  Flashbacks, memories etc, became overwhelming.   He didn't understand how his touch could bring me to tears.  I was blessed though to have someone who was tuned into me then too. I want to talk to him but even now, he is still married.  That is the most awkward part for me.  He hasn't filed for divorce from his second wife but they have been separated a few years now.  When I spoke to my brother (the adopted one) about this, he laughed and said I could do without that sort of drama in my life.  Others have said the same.   Right now I feel alone.  I have my dog.  I am thankful for him.  But I feel like something is missing.  When I got him, I suddenly needed a dog.  I found him in less than two days of searching for a dog.  He helps with the PTSD.   He helps on days when I can't get out of bed.  He sits by my bed and whines until I get up and scratch his ears.  When I finally do that, he will lay next to my bed and sleep.  He will be between his bed and my table.  I imagine it to be one of the hardest spots in the room. But short of jumping on the bed, it is as close to me as he can get.   I was able to finally sleep in my room with my dog there.  He sleeps in my room every night.  It feels lonely without him.  Sometimes he gets up during the night and goes into another room.  He does snore like a human.  He is not as loud as he used to be.  I have to find a way to meet new people.  Right now that is fairly limited.  I go to medical appointments and things like that.  The surgeons know me so well, that when I stop by the hospital I am on first name basis with over half the staff.  It is like walking in to Cheers.  They catch you at the door and from registeration to surgical prep, it's Hey!  How are you!  Weren't you just here two weeks ago?  Ok you know the routine. Then you will hear a nurse say, yeah, she's here. I suppose it could be worse,. That could be the police saying that and not the surgical staff.   I am going to try reminding myself I don't need to drink anything today other than a cold Izze.  Sending safe hugs to you too.  Thank you again.  :hug:

     


  13. @JBC13 

    Sometimes people will get upset that you don't take their advice.  There are people who will get bent out of shape because they didn't get their way.  Ummm the best way to look at that is they are throwing a tantrum.  They are pitching a fit because they didn't get their way.  Toddlers also do that.  It is like laughing at a tantrum because it was cute at age 2.  When age 3 comes, it isn't as cute as age 2.  A kid that is 6 years old, throwing a tantrum like a two year old, is neither cute nor acceptable.  It gets more frustrating the older people get. Don't let that make you anxious.   Much like spoiled toddlers, giving them what they want averts a tantrum for the moment but continuing puts one into servitude for possibly a lifetime.  It does this because one minute it is one thing, then something else.  It continues to build until it wears you out and you are emotionally spent.  People have a way of being insatiable when they are getting their way all the time.  Some are never satisfied.  For example, when watching TV, I usually have watch it alone.  If I watch it and my mother enters the room, no matter what I was watching the words "we don't want to watch this" are uttered.  Actually, she doesn't want to watch whatever it is I am watching.  That can either lead to me leaving the room and going into another room to watch tv or it can lead me saying no.  No may disappoint them for a minute, but they will get over it. 


  14. @Kathyps33 ,. Oh no!  I am so sorry for your loss.  That is a very difficult spot to be in. I am so sorry she felt that was the best option to deal with her pain.  I am sending you safe hugs, if ok.  I'm sorry, what is FI?  I am not familiar with this term.  Sending safe hugs if ok :hug:


  15. @Kathyps33 ,

    Healing is possible even if it is overwhelming to think of.  I find healing a bit overwhelming too but now is the right time to pursue it.  I had a series of flashbacks the other day mostly of the abuse. Much of was stuff I thought I had worked past.  Some of it was stuff I "worked at" but didn't work to sort out.  A mountain of band aids and surgery is really needed.  I used to drink, a lot to deal with the challenges of this.  I worked at getting better without really wanting to feel anything more than I felt.  The problem with that is I want to be whole again.  I don't think you are damaged, I think you are hurting.  To be blunt, this stuff hurts and everyone doesn't pay attention to that.  I am amazed at AS.  I think it is wonderful they offer this but I am to the place where I am overwhelmed with some aspects of the healing process.  Trying to imagine the healing process, I get that.  What would that be like?  What will I be like?  Will I be able to sit in a silent room and not freak out   Peace is a wonderful thing to have.  I have peace to a point.  What I don't have is healing in that part of my person who is deeply wounded.  I know what it is to be familiar with bad feelings.  With the negative tapes that have played for so long that it sounds like a live performance.  It is sometimes easier to seize on negative things.  You are a priceless gem.   You have been through so much.  You are strong like a diamond.  You will make it through this.  I am not surprised things have been getting more intense.  This is something that happens when you start working on this.  It is somewhat like a dam bursting and the land below the dam is flooded.  It is a lot to deal with but you deserve to be happy like anyone else.  You deserve to be happy just like the next person.  The abuse thing can hold you back in so many ways.  Some find it hard to have relationships with others because abuse is a 900 pound elephant in the room.   The rest that comes with that can include, PTSD or C-PTSD (the c is for complex). multiple triggerss it can even include second guessing your decisions.  You can heal from this.  It doesn't have to run your life or keep you from happiness.   As for the bad feelings, the messages from the abuse are found in those bad feelings.  The stupid, ugly, unloved etc.  I want to encourage you to tell that voice (the negative one) that it is wrong.  If I keep listening t the tape my stepbrothers were playing....it would not have ended well.  You are determined to heal and I am determined to heal too.  When we heal, we take power away from our abusers.  We take our lives back from their grasp.  They stole things from you and you are getting some of those things back.  They didn't get to take all of you.  

     


  16. @JBC13 , you shouldn't ever blame yourself for what happened.  That is first because it wasn't your fault.   To use an example if I wanted to jump into a flower bed to destroy flowers with my knee high boots on, are the flowers at fault for being there?  No.  They were minding their business when I showed up in a stomping mood.  Why aren't the flowers at fault, because they were being their delicate beautiful selves.  They didn't do anything to deserve me stomping on them with my boots.  However, I am wrong for stomping on them because whatever my reason for stomping on them doesn't justify them being stomped on.  Nothing justifies what happened to you.  There is nothing anyone can say that would be right to level that at you.   YOU were deeply wounded when that happened.  But they don't get to take all of you.  They don't have the right to make you question your decision making abilities.  Having others make important decisions for you is akin to giving power away.  Please don't give power away.  Don't do that because you deserve to make your own decisions.  You deserve to be as empowered as anyone else.  You can make sound decisions.  If you got up this morning and made coffee, it was a sound decision.  If you put milk or creamer in your coffee it was a sound decision.  If you decided you wanted cereal for breakfast before going to work, it was a sound decision.  If you decided to jump off of a building to test the bounds of gravity, that is not a sound decision.  You can and do make sound decisions every day.  Your fiancé is a sound decision.  When you look at your beloved, you know you love him.    You and your beloved have much to plan and I can tell you a marriage with a significant external influences tend to suffer internal and external stresses.  You can do this.  You can make sound decisions for yourself.  When you do, you snatch back power bit by bit from those who hurt you and from those who feel they would make better decisions for you.     You also decrease your stress level significantly.   I am cheering you on.  I am in your corner.  Sending safe hugs if ok.  :hug:


  17.  @Kathyps33

     I too grew up in the church and one of the things I hated about that experience was some of the backwards things they would say about sex.  Before I get into that, I want to encourage you to check out a book I found immensely helpful, The Survivor's Guiide to Sex by Staci Hines.  One of the things about abuse is it doesn't allow you to develop healthy ideas about sex.  I also had to learn every idea espoused in church about sex wasn't right. My ideas about sex and gender were fairly far flung as a result.  When sex is anything but what it was designed to be, it hurts.  I was raised to believe sex was for a man and a woman in the bonds of marriage but also a gift two people share.  However, when sexual abuse enters the picture, it is difficult to know what to make of it.  It is difficult to know what to think of it and it is even difficult to want to enjoy it later down the line.  I want to encourage you to not be ashamed.   know the church teaches different things but then some of the things they teach on relationships is just plain crazy too.   Please keep in mind I am not anti-church.  I am anti-religion. I am anti-power hungry, patriachical rethoric that would justify unjustifiable behavior.  I had been taught some fairly backwards things coming up.  I had a minister tell me I was permanently linked to my abusers and I could never marry.  That minister was quite wrong and didn't have a clue.  What you do is between you and God.  The church should stay out of your bedroom.   You are not alone on the confusion aspect of things.  I have found myself a bit confused about many things along this healing journey.  You deserve to be happy and you need to know how precious you are.  I think one of the things abuse robs of us all of is the knowledge that we are precious.  We are priceless and the abuse gives us the wrong perspective on our worth.  You are and will always be precious.  Learning to love yourself makes a huge difference. Learning safe touch versus that other thing is important too.  Some are able to learn safe touch through masturbation.    Sending you safe hugs, if that is ok.  


  18. @JBC13  Something I have learned is anyone who takes me saying no as me being a bi*ch isn't wrapped too tight.   No should never equate to bi*ch ever.   However varied forms of manipulation is a thing of another altogether that for me equates to a word longer than the aforementioned censored one.  As for the pressure to get a house and get jobs etc, the parents are out of line.  Plan the wedding you and your beloved want.  If some people are disappointed, they will just have to be disappointed.  You and your beloved can choose to live in a condo versus a house or even an apartment.  It is up to the both of you to enjoy life on the terms you and your beloved set.  Trying to please everyone is impossible.  I have tried, it doesn't work.  Someone somewhere will be pissed that you didn't do things a certain way.  I wish you and your beloved the very best.  Sending positive thoughts your way. You will make it through, you will overcome the fear.  You are not alone.   Keep looking up.


  19. @Donna, 

    I have been where you are, and reaching out can be difficult.  I want to tell you, even if you don't feel strong you are strong.  It takes strength to call a crisis line.  You have that.  It also takes strength to come through what you have come through.  This place would be less interesting without you here. You have value and you have purpose.  You have the ability to make an impact no one else can make.  This shared thing makes life harder to deal with.  There is a sense that the world is caving in on you.  The feeling feels like it will last forever but it won't.  You aren't alone.  You are hurting, and that is perfectly ok.  You are allowed to hurt.  In my case, the hardest thing was for me to tell someone I wanted to die.   I called someone who surprised me by saying, "We care about you!"  The thing about feeling alone is it starts to affect how one sees their place in the world.   The reality is to lose you would be a great tragedy.   Right now it may not seem that way to you but you have people in your life that would be devastated if something happened to you.  I have people that would lose it, if something that happened to me.  You are more precious than gold, more precious than diamonds.  You are strong, you are beautiful, and you are valuable.     Thinking of you.  Please hang in there. 

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