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Everything posted by Hawkgirl

  1. @jidfr Hi, welcome to AS. Glad you are here. Take your time and share as little or as much as you want. This place has a lot of helpful and supportive people here. I have found it helpful in my own recovery. I know it may not seem like it now,, but you aren't alone. Not in the least. You are not alone and you can heal.
  2. Welcome to AS. You are most certainly a survivor but you are also a warrior. You are right unfortunately most courts still do not see marital rape as a thing. It is disturbing but there is a lot of work to be done in that area. It takes standing up and saying it is a thing and it also means pushing for laws that are different than the current ones. I am sorry for what you went through. A spouse is someone whom you share a part of your heart and soul with. When they do something like this, it is hurtful and it is damaging too. That is not to say you are damaged. You aren't. You do need to heal though. You have to determine what your triggers are and learn to adjust to the new normal. The new normal being life after this intrusion. Rape doesn't belong in any loving relationship. Down playing it, hurts you in the long run. Please don't down play your experience. What he did was wrong. What he did was unfair to you. What he did only considered his wants not yours too. Healing is possible and you are already on the road. Sending safe hugs if ok.
  3. @ceirsha Thank you. What you said made a lot of sense to me. I will try what you have suggested here. I have not had a drink for a while. I don't want to get into that habit of thinking in terms of drinking but that is where my stress takes me. As much as I love my ex boyfriend, I don't know that being married to him would be the best thing for me. I believe my faith is a very important component of my life. My faith doesn't allow for a marriage with someone who doesn't share the same faith. I would never force the issue. I allow him to make his own choices as forcing someone to believe something isn't fair to them. He has known this about me since we met. He also knows that I don't trust easily so he professes his undying love for me. He talks about his ex wives and tells me of his "skills" which is a huge turn off to me. But he is a genuinely sweet and understanding man. He knows about the abuse. He knows about the nightmares it brings. When I told him about it, the first time, he got angry. Not at me but at my abusers. He feels his daughter should have been with me, not with someone else. Yet that relationship was complicated. I felt more inadequate than anything. Flashbacks, memories etc, became overwhelming. He didn't understand how his touch could bring me to tears. I was blessed though to have someone who was tuned into me then too. I want to talk to him but even now, he is still married. That is the most awkward part for me. He hasn't filed for divorce from his second wife but they have been separated a few years now. When I spoke to my brother (the adopted one) about this, he laughed and said I could do without that sort of drama in my life. Others have said the same. Right now I feel alone. I have my dog. I am thankful for him. But I feel like something is missing. When I got him, I suddenly needed a dog. I found him in less than two days of searching for a dog. He helps with the PTSD. He helps on days when I can't get out of bed. He sits by my bed and whines until I get up and scratch his ears. When I finally do that, he will lay next to my bed and sleep. He will be between his bed and my table. I imagine it to be one of the hardest spots in the room. But short of jumping on the bed, it is as close to me as he can get. I was able to finally sleep in my room with my dog there. He sleeps in my room every night. It feels lonely without him. Sometimes he gets up during the night and goes into another room. He does snore like a human. He is not as loud as he used to be. I have to find a way to meet new people. Right now that is fairly limited. I go to medical appointments and things like that. The surgeons know me so well, that when I stop by the hospital I am on first name basis with over half the staff. It is like walking in to Cheers. They catch you at the door and from registeration to surgical prep, it's Hey! How are you! Weren't you just here two weeks ago? Ok you know the routine. Then you will hear a nurse say, yeah, she's here. I suppose it could be worse,. That could be the police saying that and not the surgical staff. I am going to try reminding myself I don't need to drink anything today other than a cold Izze. Sending safe hugs to you too. Thank you again.
  4. It says 21 but that is more like 121. I don't feel my age. I can't remember the last time I ever felt my age. I don't know how that is supposed to feel now. I want to feel like a normal person but I have no idea what that feels like. I know what it is supposed to look like. I know how it should appear. I used to drink to deal with flashbacks. I don't drink any more. I can't. I got a virus from a blood transfusion. I am tired. If quitting were acceptable, I would but I know deep down it isn't. I keep pushing myself further. I must be better than my temptations. I don't drink, but there are times I want to be smashed so badly. Yet I know it doesn't make things feel any better. I saw and know that. I did too many shots and too many shooters. I feel so alone sometimes. Like right now, I feel so alone. Then there are times I don't. I feel fine with no one else around me. My ex keeps coming back. He is convinced we were meant to be together. Says I should have married him sooner but there is no time like the present. My own family said I missed a "really great guy". Yet there are so many changes. He has a daughter now. He is hoping I will be his wife now. Third time is the charm, I guess that is the conclusion I am to come to. I don't want to be on a roster. I don't want to be another number. I don't want to be with someone because I am comfortable,. Now that he has had his heart broken twice, I seem like a good option now. I am like an old leather jacket, comfortable and broken in. When I spoke with my religious friend, she said that marrying him was out of the question because one should only marry once. To marry him would be to commit adultery. What is wrong with me that I am even willing to consider that third wife gig?!! It feels like old, stand by rather than genuine love. Yet when we dated, our problem wasn't love. Loving each other then wasn't an issue. The issue was trust. The issue was his touch triggering memories in me. The issue was things he thought were normal to say. Things that should have been normal to say, it wasn't normal. It wasn't normal at all. It left me feeling more isolated than anything. Now I am alone with the sound of a tv to keep me company while the house sleep. Everyone is sleeping but me. Even the dog is sleeping. If I were drunk, I would be asleep by now.... Another hour and I get to watch the sunrise...... I guess I made the sandman angry for some reason. Can't take sleeping meds, allergic to most of those and the ones I am not allergic to don't work. Like taking one of those orange mint tic tacs and hoping for real freshening power. Only you get that sweet orange flavor and no minty freshness. Sort of like looking for minty freshness from an orange lifesaver. This has to get better. I just know it has to.
  5. Hawkgirl

    Random ramblings

    Kathyps33,. Oh . Sorry about that. I kept reading that lower case l as Capitol I. I crack me up. :-D. Safe journey to Fl and safe journey home. Please be careful.
  6. @JBC13 Sometimes people will get upset that you don't take their advice. There are people who will get bent out of shape because they didn't get their way. Ummm the best way to look at that is they are throwing a tantrum. They are pitching a fit because they didn't get their way. Toddlers also do that. It is like laughing at a tantrum because it was cute at age 2. When age 3 comes, it isn't as cute as age 2. A kid that is 6 years old, throwing a tantrum like a two year old, is neither cute nor acceptable. It gets more frustrating the older people get. Don't let that make you anxious. Much like spoiled toddlers, giving them what they want averts a tantrum for the moment but continuing puts one into servitude for possibly a lifetime. It does this because one minute it is one thing, then something else. It continues to build until it wears you out and you are emotionally spent. People have a way of being insatiable when they are getting their way all the time. Some are never satisfied. For example, when watching TV, I usually have watch it alone. If I watch it and my mother enters the room, no matter what I was watching the words "we don't want to watch this" are uttered. Actually, she doesn't want to watch whatever it is I am watching. That can either lead to me leaving the room and going into another room to watch tv or it can lead me saying no. No may disappoint them for a minute, but they will get over it.
  7. Hawkgirl

    Random ramblings

    @Kathyps33 ,. Oh no! I am so sorry for your loss. That is a very difficult spot to be in. I am so sorry she felt that was the best option to deal with her pain. I am sending you safe hugs, if ok. I'm sorry, what is FI? I am not familiar with this term. Sending safe hugs if ok
  8. Hi Blue Baloni, I am so sorry for the trauma you have experienced. I can understand wanting to be able to attend a group someplace and meeting with people in real life. Never feel bad about where you are from. America can be it's own adventure. If I can help you research resources, feel free to let me know. No pressure. Any country will do. Just name the country. I research things for a social justice group and don't mind helping if I can. I am glad you found AS. I echo phoenixxx and the others. and most of all . Take your time, and keep looking up.
  9. Hawkgirl

    Random ramblings

    @Kathyps33 , Healing is possible even if it is overwhelming to think of. I find healing a bit overwhelming too but now is the right time to pursue it. I had a series of flashbacks the other day mostly of the abuse. Much of was stuff I thought I had worked past. Some of it was stuff I "worked at" but didn't work to sort out. A mountain of band aids and surgery is really needed. I used to drink, a lot to deal with the challenges of this. I worked at getting better without really wanting to feel anything more than I felt. The problem with that is I want to be whole again. I don't think you are damaged, I think you are hurting. To be blunt, this stuff hurts and everyone doesn't pay attention to that. I am amazed at AS. I think it is wonderful they offer this but I am to the place where I am overwhelmed with some aspects of the healing process. Trying to imagine the healing process, I get that. What would that be like? What will I be like? Will I be able to sit in a silent room and not freak out Peace is a wonderful thing to have. I have peace to a point. What I don't have is healing in that part of my person who is deeply wounded. I know what it is to be familiar with bad feelings. With the negative tapes that have played for so long that it sounds like a live performance. It is sometimes easier to seize on negative things. You are a priceless gem. You have been through so much. You are strong like a diamond. You will make it through this. I am not surprised things have been getting more intense. This is something that happens when you start working on this. It is somewhat like a dam bursting and the land below the dam is flooded. It is a lot to deal with but you deserve to be happy like anyone else. You deserve to be happy just like the next person. The abuse thing can hold you back in so many ways. Some find it hard to have relationships with others because abuse is a 900 pound elephant in the room. The rest that comes with that can include, PTSD or C-PTSD (the c is for complex). multiple triggerss it can even include second guessing your decisions. You can heal from this. It doesn't have to run your life or keep you from happiness. As for the bad feelings, the messages from the abuse are found in those bad feelings. The stupid, ugly, unloved etc. I want to encourage you to tell that voice (the negative one) that it is wrong. If I keep listening t the tape my stepbrothers were playing....it would not have ended well. You are determined to heal and I am determined to heal too. When we heal, we take power away from our abusers. We take our lives back from their grasp. They stole things from you and you are getting some of those things back. They didn't get to take all of you.
  10. Hi Ragdoll,. You are in a safe place. Everyone here has had some experience and I am sure you will find someone who has been through something similar than what you have. The biggest thing is, . It is a bit of a challenge but when you have a support system be it online or in person, it makes a tremendous difference. You can certainly heal.
  11. @JBC13 , you shouldn't ever blame yourself for what happened. That is first because it wasn't your fault. To use an example if I wanted to jump into a flower bed to destroy flowers with my knee high boots on, are the flowers at fault for being there? No. They were minding their business when I showed up in a stomping mood. Why aren't the flowers at fault, because they were being their delicate beautiful selves. They didn't do anything to deserve me stomping on them with my boots. However, I am wrong for stomping on them because whatever my reason for stomping on them doesn't justify them being stomped on. Nothing justifies what happened to you. There is nothing anyone can say that would be right to level that at you. YOU were deeply wounded when that happened. But they don't get to take all of you. They don't have the right to make you question your decision making abilities. Having others make important decisions for you is akin to giving power away. Please don't give power away. Don't do that because you deserve to make your own decisions. You deserve to be as empowered as anyone else. You can make sound decisions. If you got up this morning and made coffee, it was a sound decision. If you put milk or creamer in your coffee it was a sound decision. If you decided you wanted cereal for breakfast before going to work, it was a sound decision. If you decided to jump off of a building to test the bounds of gravity, that is not a sound decision. You can and do make sound decisions every day. Your fiancé is a sound decision. When you look at your beloved, you know you love him. You and your beloved have much to plan and I can tell you a marriage with a significant external influences tend to suffer internal and external stresses. You can do this. You can make sound decisions for yourself. When you do, you snatch back power bit by bit from those who hurt you and from those who feel they would make better decisions for you. You also decrease your stress level significantly. I am cheering you on. I am in your corner. Sending safe hugs if ok.
  12. Hawkgirl


    @Kathyps33 I too grew up in the church and one of the things I hated about that experience was some of the backwards things they would say about sex. Before I get into that, I want to encourage you to check out a book I found immensely helpful, The Survivor's Guiide to Sex by Staci Hines. One of the things about abuse is it doesn't allow you to develop healthy ideas about sex. I also had to learn every idea espoused in church about sex wasn't right. My ideas about sex and gender were fairly far flung as a result. When sex is anything but what it was designed to be, it hurts. I was raised to believe sex was for a man and a woman in the bonds of marriage but also a gift two people share. However, when sexual abuse enters the picture, it is difficult to know what to make of it. It is difficult to know what to think of it and it is even difficult to want to enjoy it later down the line. I want to encourage you to not be ashamed. know the church teaches different things but then some of the things they teach on relationships is just plain crazy too. Please keep in mind I am not anti-church. I am anti-religion. I am anti-power hungry, patriachical rethoric that would justify unjustifiable behavior. I had been taught some fairly backwards things coming up. I had a minister tell me I was permanently linked to my abusers and I could never marry. That minister was quite wrong and didn't have a clue. What you do is between you and God. The church should stay out of your bedroom. You are not alone on the confusion aspect of things. I have found myself a bit confused about many things along this healing journey. You deserve to be happy and you need to know how precious you are. I think one of the things abuse robs of us all of is the knowledge that we are precious. We are priceless and the abuse gives us the wrong perspective on our worth. You are and will always be precious. Learning to love yourself makes a huge difference. Learning safe touch versus that other thing is important too. Some are able to learn safe touch through masturbation. Sending you safe hugs, if that is ok.
  13. Hi Sam, The silence can be crushing. You have come to a wonderful place. You don't have to keep the secret anymore. There comes a point where the secret is toxic. You have made an excellent first step. We are here to help each other. There is nothing you can say here where no one gets what you are saying. Someone on here knows exactly what you are talking about. Speak on your experience when you are ready. There is no pressure here. It is support and comforting. It is both sad and comforting to know you are not alone. You aren't alone here. Keep looking up. Sending safe hugs if ok.
  14. Hawkgirl

    New here

    Hi Hazine, Welcome to AS. :-). Glad you are here. Your friends are right, it is time to stop existing and start living it. It is hard to do sometimes when that spectre is behind you, with its invisible chains. You deserve to be happy and you don't have to keep the secret anymore. This stuff does hurt. Dealing with it can be difficult. It can even hurt. However much like setting a broken bone, it is not healed when the cast is put on, it is healed when the cast comes off. You aren't alone. It wasn't your fault and most importantly, you didn't deserve it. There is nothing you could have done to justify the abuse. Nothing at all. You were innocent and it was not your fault. Keep looking up.
  15. Hey there Band!  Just wanted to say hey and hope you are having a great day or have had a great day.  It is after 3am here so I am going to try to go to sleep now. :-).  Keep looking up. :-). 

  16. Trigger Warning If I could say five words to my abusers, You two didn't win! You will both live to regret this. (I know more than five words) I don't hate you both, I don't hold the years against you two. I have more healing to do. Hate of you both is not conducive to my healing. It is not about what you deserve, but what I want. I don't want to meet your children. I don't consider you my brothers. Stop referring to me as your sister. I am not the aunt to your children. I have a fantastic extended family and neither of you are in it. You both have stolen a lot from me. I can't look at my own pictures. I don't like to be touched. I found what paranoia is like. I got your parting gift, PTSD. I am not a sl*t, w**re or bit*h. I am free of both of you.
  17. Hi there Powerful! There is nothing wrong with being nervous. I think you will find the group here quite supportive. I call you Powerful because that is who you are. In time, you will see that. In the meantime, I don't think there is a group that is not covered here. The pain we have in common unites us. The healing we are pursuing allows us to draw from each other's strength. It is ok to be nervous. My first support group was a bit intimidating. But the good news is, the powerlessness you feel, will not be like this always.. You are a survivor. You are hurting right now. that is ok. By coming here, you have started to heal. That is a very powerful thing.
  18. @JBC13 Something I have learned is anyone who takes me saying no as me being a bi*ch isn't wrapped too tight. No should never equate to bi*ch ever. However varied forms of manipulation is a thing of another altogether that for me equates to a word longer than the aforementioned censored one. As for the pressure to get a house and get jobs etc, the parents are out of line. Plan the wedding you and your beloved want. If some people are disappointed, they will just have to be disappointed. You and your beloved can choose to live in a condo versus a house or even an apartment. It is up to the both of you to enjoy life on the terms you and your beloved set. Trying to please everyone is impossible. I have tried, it doesn't work. Someone somewhere will be pissed that you didn't do things a certain way. I wish you and your beloved the very best. Sending positive thoughts your way. You will make it through, you will overcome the fear. You are not alone. Keep looking up.
  19. I had toyed with the idea of blogging. I am usually not very good at it. I try to be positive. I try to be positive because being positive is very important to me. I have learned so much since the abuse ended. I have learned so much about myself and about the world around me. Some of the messages I have received from my experiences were wrong, very wrong. I learned what it was to be treated like an object. I learned what is was it be treated as less than human. Even after that, I found out there are so many other ways to hurt deeply. I have come through physical abuse, CSA, kidney failure, cancer and something has shifted in the process. The healing process has been a long one. I look forward to it ending. I was thinking of my moniker,. I am a huge fan of comic books, cartoons and other forms of animation. Chose Hawkgirl because she fights through whatever it is to get things handled. She is one of my favorite superheroes. It takes strength to make it through what we have made it through. I am glad AS is here. Keep looking up.
  20. Hawkgirl

    more alone than ever

    @Donna, I have been where you are, and reaching out can be difficult. I want to tell you, even if you don't feel strong you are strong. It takes strength to call a crisis line. You have that. It also takes strength to come through what you have come through. This place would be less interesting without you here. You have value and you have purpose. You have the ability to make an impact no one else can make. This shared thing makes life harder to deal with. There is a sense that the world is caving in on you. The feeling feels like it will last forever but it won't. You aren't alone. You are hurting, and that is perfectly ok. You are allowed to hurt. In my case, the hardest thing was for me to tell someone I wanted to die. I called someone who surprised me by saying, "We care about you!" The thing about feeling alone is it starts to affect how one sees their place in the world. The reality is to lose you would be a great tragedy. Right now it may not seem that way to you but you have people in your life that would be devastated if something happened to you. I have people that would lose it, if something that happened to me. You are more precious than gold, more precious than diamonds. You are strong, you are beautiful, and you are valuable. Thinking of you. Please hang in there.
  21. Hawkgirl

    Random ramblings

    I know where you are. Sometimes I think too much too. There are times I wish I could take out certain parts. My abuse and later trying to view myself afterward. My new normal is to not allow myself or anyone else to put me down. You feel alone, and that is understandable. I can say there will come a time when you won't feel alone. There will come a time when you will be able to feel again and to trust again. I had to relearn some things. I had to change a few things too. The new normal consists of taking care of the aftermath. It is like someone dropping a cluster bomb. It's devastating and there is a grief that is all its own. It means healing includes grieving. It means it includes the changes that have been made. It means cleaning up some intensely personal things. I can remember a time when I felt safe and then that feeling totally disappeared for me. I didn't feel safe again until I got my dog. Living in my apartment was an exercise in fear. Being alone was a whole new thing and I thought that living away from family would help. It did for a significant amount of time. Your abuse sent you the same messages my abuse sent me. But the truth is, you are not ugly, you are not by any means worthless, you are not stupid, you are loved, and you have someone who cares for you. I don't have any agenda, I just want to see you soar. I want to see you know for yourself how very precious you are. We are all valuable. Everyone here is valuable. Those who have attacked us saw something beautiful and tried to take it for themselves. They even tried to make it seem like what they were doing was perfectly fine and the problem really lay with us. The problem is with them. The problem needs to be related to them. You are bold, you are beautiful and you have what it takes to heal. The journey is slow sometimes. You can't quit. You will make it through this. Keep looking up.
  22. Hawkgirl

    body triggers

    A body trigger can vary from person to person. For example a body trigger for me is often a person the same or similar shape and build as my abusers. For me, these people remind me of my abusers and that causes anxiety and hyper awareness. I start trying to figure out ways to get away from whomever it is. Now of course these people cannot help their physical appearance. Their physical attributes are based largely on genetics. But for me, being around them involves being in the present moment. Dealing in the present moment has helped me considerably and may help you to. Keep looking up.
  23. Stich, He doesn't deserve the ability to take away your enjoyment of your favorite coffee spot. I know how it is to be sexually harassed. I had someone do that to me and I turned him in. After all, it wasn't like I made it up,. Long story short, when someone does something like that you aren't ruining their life by turning them in. It is a consequence for their own inconsiderate and ill thought action. It is trying to protect someone who should be exposed. If he gets fired, he threw his job away provided he did that at his current place of work. He was wrong and he should know by now that there are consequences to follow. If you don't want to put your name out there, use a pseudonym. Email corporate though one of those contact us pages if the company has that and go from there. Also, this guy doesn't get to ruin your life. He is not worthy of that ability. You don't deserve to be harassed and you don't deserve to be degraded. Sorry to hear his mind is sick enough to think otherwise,. In the end, do what is best for you. Keep looking up,.
  24. TRIGGER WARNING - Standing up to him is the thing they don't expect. It is hard to feel right about that sort of power but to me it is just that power. It is reclaimed power in that fear doesn't get to keep running things. My abusers didn't see prison. Actually their lives are going quite well. Standing up to him, in your case, is actually a good thing. You knocked it out of the park, Angelinas. I have found for myself that standing up to them for whatever the reason was both liberating and empowering. It feels strange when you stand up to them because that is not what you are used to doing. I could understand where you were coming from because in my case, I told my stepfather. His reply to that was I was a list of undesirable names. He then threatened to tell my mother on me. He let me sweat that out until it was close to her coming home from work. He decided to show "mercy" and not say anything at all. Standing up to people like that is hard sometimes. It changes how you see them and it changes how you interact with them. You have the right to be happy. You have the right to be respected and you have the right to enjoy life. No one has the right to walk on you, mistreat you or hurt you.
  25. Hawkgirl


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