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Everything posted by Hawkgirl

  1. Where to start?

    @Zoe7 Hi and welcome to AS. I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us. I want to start out by saying you are not alone. There are times something like this can leave you feeling isolated and alone. You aren't alone. You can heal and it's not your fault.
  2. A Step Forward

    @MissLioness Hi and welcome to AS. I am sorry for what brought you here. This site might help you. http://dcrcc.org/counseling/no-straight-path/
  3. New to Board.....old problems.....

    @mary0331 Hi and welcome to AS. I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us. I am also sorry your husband is abusive to you and has treated you so poorly. You didn't deserve that. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Do you have any hobbies you like to engage in? Hobbies that get you out of the house? Painting, drawing, writing classes? Some community colleges offer free courses based on age. Some courses are free or low cost based on enrichment. They are designed to for people who aren't going after a degree. Going to a support group is also another thing that can help too. Those can be just as varied as anything else. But those can he helpful too. As for AS, take a look around. You will find plenty of support here. There are alot of caring people here. The main thing to remember is you are not alone. If I can help, please let me know. Sending safe hugs if ok. Sitting with you
  4. Hello. Reaching out after many years...

    Hi Caligirl, Welcome to AS. I hope you are able to find help and healing as you continue on your journey to wholeness.
  5. Hello

    @Cam Francia Hi and welcome to AS. I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us. You have really been through something terrible and I can imagine the pain of keeping that secret inside. Abuse sends us all the wrong messages and we have to sort those out in the process. The first thing to learn is you are not alone. There are many people who have been through abusive situations. You asked what do you need to do. Would you believe you already on your way? Yes, you are already engaged in the healing process. Now some people go to support groups both online and IRL. Some go through counseling. While counseling is a big one, each person's healing process is unique to them. If you choose to go into counseling, be sure to try to find someone who specializes in Child Sexual Abuse. Keep an open mind because the first therapist aka T might not be the best one or right one for you. If you go for counseling aka C, the same is true. Part of the healing process is working toward being able to tell the story. For me that meant not keeping their secret any more. It meant being honest about what really happened and putting a voice to that pain which had been silent for so long. That might mean journaling about your experiences. It might mean talking with a friend about your experiences. It might mean going to RAINN for online chat about what happened. No one can tell you what your healing path will look like. One of the things you definitely need is a support system. Some people who are here don''t have one to speak of and this is their support system. Rather you choose counseling, therapy, support group or online support group, make sure you are good to yourself. Do you have any grounding techniques in place for when thoughts come up and flashbacks play? Please check out this site. It is a good place and has a lot of good information for how to heal. http://dcrcc.org/counseling/no-straight-path/ Grounding techniques can help shorten the duration of a flashback. There is a lot of information on there that will be of some help to you. You can also do chat in the chat room here at AS. You can also visit RAINN for their online crisis chat. Do something nice for yourself. Give yourself time and be good to yourself. One of the common things is to think there was something that you could have done to change the outcome. But it wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve what happened to you. But you can heal. Sitting with you and walking with you too, if ok.
  6. Hello I'm new here

    @Bobbi27 Hi, welcome to AS. I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us. I am sorry you have felt so isolated when trying to deal with this. That can be difficult and difficult isn't the proper word for it. You can move forward with your life and heal. The healing process is a bit of a journey but it is worth it every step of the way. If you just want to chat, try the chat room. You are not alone and you can heal. I'll walk with you if you like. Keep swinging for the fences.
  7. Starting

    @howlieowl Hi, welcome to AS. I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found this place. I can understand how group therapy can be intimidating. I can say that it does get easier. When i first started my journey toward healing it involved going to support groups. It is a bit intimidating at first but it is worth it in the end. It starts out where you wonder if your experiences are valid, if no one else tells you, your experiences are just as valid as anyone's.. Abuse is a thing that should never happen. When viewed in light of rather it should happen or not, every experience is valid. Your experiences can be worse than someone else's experiences. Your experiences are just as valid as mine. Mine are just as valid as the next survivor. You have come through something terrible. I can understand the point of feeling stuck and being worried that all you can do is get stuck in past memories. Some of the healing process is uncomfortable. It can be like mountain climbing. But the good news is, while there are ups and downs, it is worth the ride. Healing from abuse is constantly in motion. You can face this and come through it. I believe in you and I believe you can heal.
  8. Everything happens for a reason

    @cantstoprunning75 You are not alone. It feels very hard right not but you are not alone. You have people who care about you. Living 10,000 miles away, must be difficult. It sounds like you are on the other side of the world. I have always hated that "everything happens for a reason" statement too. I think people throw it out there in an effort to make sense out things that dont readily make sense. Even when religious people throw that out there, it drives me up the wall. There are some things that just defy that sort of pat explaination. Abuse of any sort hurts. It is hard but abuse is never anything to be ashamed of. It doesn't define you. It is an unfortunate part of the narrative but it is not your whole story. It is an unfortunate part of my story too. But it is not all of me just like it is not all of you. It hurts. It is ok to admit that it hurts. In fact it is important to admit it hurts. You might benefit from a support group. If you need help finding something like that, please let me know. I can help you look for resources. I don't mind at all and it's my thing to find things. Above all, I want you to know one more thing. You can heal. It will get better. There are times it is slow going and times when it feels more like skiing in the Olympics, but you will make it through. Sending you lots of safe hugs if ok. Sitting with you
  9. Chosen Family v. Biology

    I should research that quote as I had never heard the full quote before you mentioned it here. Thank you for sharing this with me. Yes, I was amazed at how my dad could just adopt people left and right. After he died, it was very clear why he adopted so many people. I have aunts and uncles among people I would not otherwise know.
  10. Chosen Family v. Biology

    I try to be positive but even now with things falling every which way, I am forced to view reality. There are people who choose to care about me and people who aren't related to me who care more than my family does. My sisters haven't called me in a very long time. The last time I called them it was a power outage. Even with the transplant being cancelled, they didn't call. I shouldn't be surprised. Actually, I am not surprised. They would have surprised by calling. This got me thinking of how chosen family (people who aren't related to me but really do care) are so important to me. It's not that I want to be nit picky. I don't but I am grateful for the chosen family that I have. I am so thankful for my chosen family because I might have given up dealing with my regular biological family. I also like that I am able to expand that family too. Everyone doesn't get to be family but the ones who do are in there for life unless they decide otherwise.
  11. Here goes

    @Ljay I am sorry for responding so late to your post. You are brave to speak of your abuse. My stepbrothers abused me as a child. It takes a lot of strength to put your story into words. I am glad you were able to share that part of your life here. I am sorry for all that you experienced. Keep swinging for the fences.
  12. How do you do the green @member's name

    @Tweeter3. If you are referring to this, the @ symbol and the name. You select the name from the list once you start typing the letters. Then the person's name is tagged in whatever post you are doing. I also look for the profile picture if one is available in case someone has more than one with similarities,. I hope this helps.
  13. New here

    @Me89 Hi and welcome to AS! I am sorry for what brought you here but I am so glad you found us. Healing is hard but you are already well on the path. It takes courage to admit what happened. Admitting it happened is the major step to healing. . You will find plenty of support here. When you are ready, there is a place to tell your story. Take your time. No pressure to do anything. One of the biggest mistakes I made early on was trying to heal and rushing through it. It's tempting but it is unfair to you. Give yourself time and above all be good to yourself.
  14. Hi everybody

    @Scarlet_rise Welcome to AS. I am sorry for what brought you here but I am glad you found us. :-). You have nothing to be nervous about. It is entirely fine. No one here will say your experience is "milder". Every experience is valid. When you are ready to tell your story, go for it. One of the things about coming through this sort of thing is sometimes it is a fight. Everyone here at some point learned to keep the secret about what happened. Some learned to down play it. Never think your experience is milder. That's down playing it. The jerk or people who hurt you don't deserve to have their actions downplayed. As for being braver, you already are braver. You are in the warrior class with the rest of us. You survived something terrible. Healing is possible. You are already on the road to healing. Keep at it.
  15. Emotions

    You aren't alone in feeling that way. Sitting with you.
  16. scared

    You are priceless. Please don't go. . We are walking this together. Sending you safe hugs if ok.
  17. Looking for help

    Hi Lunamoon, Welcome to AS. Try going to RAINN at www.rainn.org. They have a crisis chat. I am sorry you have been through such a terrible experience. If you are outside of the US, i can research some options for you. Hang in there.
  18. Hello

    Hi Miss Owlish, Welcome to AS. I am sorry it seems like the universe has it out for you. Abuse, no matter when it happened is really hard to deal with sometimes. You aren't alone. There is someone here that can identify with what you have experienced.
  19. Hi, I am a new survivor

    Hi Wonder Woman! Nice to have a fellow Justice League member onboard . Hopefully you can get to Themyscira soon. I am sorry that you have experienced trauma too. There are some who have experienced trauma and have gone through the courts. Healing can be a challenge but it is totally worth it. The anxiety is normal as is the depression. So much has changed and one wants nothing more than for things to go back to the way they were. I know from my own experience that going back to normal isn't possible. There is a period of time where mourning takes place as if someone is lost because the innocence is gone. Nothing you did caused it, and the other person is at fault. Yet the aftermath is what has to be dealt with. I think if it as like dropping a cluster bomb on a person. It's devastating and sometimes rushing healing is tempting. Hang in there.
  20. I'm new here

    Hi Chris: Welcome to AS. Glad you are here although I am sorry for the reasons. Healing is possible and you can heal. There is no judgment here and you will find people who know what you have been through. Sending you safe hugs if ok,
  21. New secondary

    Hey and welcome! Your beloved may need to check her spam file. I know when I signed up it didn't appear in my inbox. I had to check spam and do a search for it. I think this may help her find her information. Welcome to AS. The Puppy Dancers.... :-)
  22. New member

    Welcome to AS, @Searchingforathens I think you will find plenty of support and encouragement here. Keep looking up.
  23. new and nervous

    @jidfr Hi, welcome to AS. Glad you are here. Take your time and share as little or as much as you want. This place has a lot of helpful and supportive people here. I have found it helpful in my own recovery. I know it may not seem like it now,, but you aren't alone. Not in the least. You are not alone and you can heal.
  24. Living. An Introduction (Possibly *T*)

    Welcome to AS. You are most certainly a survivor but you are also a warrior. You are right unfortunately most courts still do not see marital rape as a thing. It is disturbing but there is a lot of work to be done in that area. It takes standing up and saying it is a thing and it also means pushing for laws that are different than the current ones. I am sorry for what you went through. A spouse is someone whom you share a part of your heart and soul with. When they do something like this, it is hurtful and it is damaging too. That is not to say you are damaged. You aren't. You do need to heal though. You have to determine what your triggers are and learn to adjust to the new normal. The new normal being life after this intrusion. Rape doesn't belong in any loving relationship. Down playing it, hurts you in the long run. Please don't down play your experience. What he did was wrong. What he did was unfair to you. What he did only considered his wants not yours too. Healing is possible and you are already on the road. Sending safe hugs if ok.
  25. @ceirsha Thank you. What you said made a lot of sense to me. I will try what you have suggested here. I have not had a drink for a while. I don't want to get into that habit of thinking in terms of drinking but that is where my stress takes me. As much as I love my ex boyfriend, I don't know that being married to him would be the best thing for me. I believe my faith is a very important component of my life. My faith doesn't allow for a marriage with someone who doesn't share the same faith. I would never force the issue. I allow him to make his own choices as forcing someone to believe something isn't fair to them. He has known this about me since we met. He also knows that I don't trust easily so he professes his undying love for me. He talks about his ex wives and tells me of his "skills" which is a huge turn off to me. But he is a genuinely sweet and understanding man. He knows about the abuse. He knows about the nightmares it brings. When I told him about it, the first time, he got angry. Not at me but at my abusers. He feels his daughter should have been with me, not with someone else. Yet that relationship was complicated. I felt more inadequate than anything. Flashbacks, memories etc, became overwhelming. He didn't understand how his touch could bring me to tears. I was blessed though to have someone who was tuned into me then too. I want to talk to him but even now, he is still married. That is the most awkward part for me. He hasn't filed for divorce from his second wife but they have been separated a few years now. When I spoke to my brother (the adopted one) about this, he laughed and said I could do without that sort of drama in my life. Others have said the same. Right now I feel alone. I have my dog. I am thankful for him. But I feel like something is missing. When I got him, I suddenly needed a dog. I found him in less than two days of searching for a dog. He helps with the PTSD. He helps on days when I can't get out of bed. He sits by my bed and whines until I get up and scratch his ears. When I finally do that, he will lay next to my bed and sleep. He will be between his bed and my table. I imagine it to be one of the hardest spots in the room. But short of jumping on the bed, it is as close to me as he can get. I was able to finally sleep in my room with my dog there. He sleeps in my room every night. It feels lonely without him. Sometimes he gets up during the night and goes into another room. He does snore like a human. He is not as loud as he used to be. I have to find a way to meet new people. Right now that is fairly limited. I go to medical appointments and things like that. The surgeons know me so well, that when I stop by the hospital I am on first name basis with over half the staff. It is like walking in to Cheers. They catch you at the door and from registeration to surgical prep, it's Hey! How are you! Weren't you just here two weeks ago? Ok you know the routine. Then you will hear a nurse say, yeah, she's here. I suppose it could be worse,. That could be the police saying that and not the surgical staff. I am going to try reminding myself I don't need to drink anything today other than a cold Izze. Sending safe hugs to you too. Thank you again.