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Status Updates posted by Iheartcupcakes
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I hurt. Exhausted. Anxiety off the charts. Nauseated. Afraid.
Can't concentrate. Hard to work. But I'm trying...trying not to be useless.
Sad. Just want to cry but can't...or won't. Maybe what's even scarier is the very real possibility of not being able to stop.
Feeling like next week is an evil, insidious monster that is creeping toward me, slowly and certainly. Waiting to devour me. Licking its teeth in anticipation...sharpening its claws. It knows it will destroy...and I can't stop it.
It thinks it has won. I will sink, sucked under. Dashed about on rocks and sand...held captive by the rip tide of grief and pain, suffocated...silenced. Completely engulfed.
But....it can't last forever. It won't. And when I am free of despair's grip, I will again be the winner. I will come out on the other side, and I will carry on...just like I have from day one of this awful journey. I will fight, and I will change the world...one heart at a time.
But now...now I hurt more deeply than there are words for.
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@Painnbroken Thank you friend. I am so happy to see you back. Love you!
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I was asked to speak to future criminal justice professionals at the university (Texas A&M here in my town) that I graduated from. They want me to speak to them about victimization and what I have gone through, including the SANE process and reporting/trial. Today is the day. I readily agreed but now I am so nervous. I feel like the SANE nurse is another abuser and it's hard. But, I think it's important for these future CJ professionals to know what it's like to be a victim since they will be working with them. I have to do this. I want to beg them to be kind and compassionate with anyone they come into contact with....
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@HiddenHeart I read that with tears in my eyes. Thank you
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I just want to say again how thankful I am to have found AS and even more so that you all have accepted and supported me. I am grateful to be a part of this community Each and every one of you mean the world.
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Fall...cue the worsening flashbacks and nightmares....
I had one on the way back from lunch and I thought I was going to have to pull over and vomit. It makes me hate myself. I guess because I feel weak, broken, messed up...even though I know that's not accurate. I am trying.
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Thank you all so much. I need the hugs and @StrugglingMama i needed that reminder....
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I figured it out...I was wondering why I took such a dive when it turned to September. I thought well, it's fall now. That's why. The whole season is full of triggers. Then I remembered last night. The monster's birthday is 9/13. I don't want to remember that but I have for years. I've celebrated many of them with him at school. I've made him BIRTHDAY CAKES. And now on this birthday, he is in prison for raping me, robbing me, kidnapping me, burglarizing me, and taking property after he took all of me. I can't reconcile this. It's sick and twisted, and it makes me cry.
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A reporter and the photagrapher who covered all of my cases and took pictures of the monster for the newspaper are at my office. They are interviewing our PR guy about our new construction. I am at the front desk giving the receptionist a break so I had to deal with them. I pretended not to know the photographer. I just treated him like I would anyone else. I am so triggered right now. I feel scared, nervous, shaky, and that pit in your stomach of dread....like something awful is going to happen. It still hurts so much....I can't believe how quickly you can regress.
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I am sorry that you are going through this. Remember that you are safe and he cannot hurt you anymore, you made sure of that. You are a strong woman a warrior, sometimes you will be triggered but it will pass. Your strength and confidence are things I admire of you. You handled it the best you could at the moment be proud of yourself. Safeand puppy snuggles
Kris
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Thank you @Kris78 @MermaidGirl91 and @rebeccam my dog and my foster puppy never fail to make me feel better.
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VASQUEZ HAYES is a monster. He's scum, and I hope prison for him is hell just like what he has put me through was and is. Sorry...I just had to let that out to people who will understand and not roll their eyes at me for saying it again and again...
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@Painnbroken thank you
@lexip I think I needed that reminder. Thank you.
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@oceonwaves I am not sure but I hope not. I hope everyone knows he's a rapist among other things and wants him to pay for it. I know!!! That's so true!!!!
I hope he doesn't. I hope he really knows how it feels to be unsafe and threatened...24/7. I still live that.
Thank you so much.
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@rebeccam Thank you for that. I appreciate it so much. I need to rant and vent. You understand my predicament perfectly.
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I just wanted to tell everyone that I love AS and this community. I love being a part of it, and I love interacting with all of you wonderful people. I just wanted you to know how thankful I am for each and every one of you.
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Met with an attorney today to fill out a grievance on each attorney with the AR Supreme Court Office on Professional Conduct. Even if they only reprimand them in a letter, I'll be satisfied. I want them put on notice that they WILL NOT treat people like they did me and not be called on it. If I have to contact future victims and help them do the same, I will...
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You go!!! That is awesome. That is not ok hiw they acted. You have to fight for every bit of yourself. Which is why you survived and are surviving. Im getting that way too. I make sure im getting the very best of treatment and am fighting for iy. Even if the treatment isnt good, i dig deep to not let it slip before i understand exactly what they are doing and what is going on. Are they not trained? Are they not doing their job? Are they noy educated? Are they not on my side?
Random question that you dont have to answer:
Trigger warning:
Do you think that it is useless to get a restraining order against a phychopath?
I would guess yes because it would trigger violence, and you cant reason with phychopaths?
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Thank you, @oceonwaves I am! LOL
That's disgusting. I am afraid it's not uncommon though That has to change and that is what I am trying to work toward.
I know! I feel the same.
Thank you so much
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Thank you, @GaleH!
I am not sure. That is a hard one. You are right that you can't reason with them. But it might help legally if they ever try to come near you again.
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Why do I hate myself?
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@oceonwaves that makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much.
Thank you, @Free2Fly. I don't know why it's so hard.
@lexip I never thought of it that way. Thank you.
@limbodante I know you're right. I wish I knew how to stop. I will try that. Thank you.
@Whisper Thank you so much. Even though I try and try by doing things and reminding myself of what I have done, I still can't shake the absolute worthlessness.
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Also, when in doubt, read your Vasquez thread again. You've moved and inspired so many people, and not everyone comments when they read a thread. With the statistics as they are, it's mindblowingly encouraging to find somebody succeeded where so many people think they'll fail. Your example is the kind of thing that can change lives. So never doubt your worth, or if you do, reread that thread or this one xD *hugs*
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@limbodante you're awesome. THANK YOU.
I did reread it today because I hadn't realized I didn't respond. It is an amazing thread. All of your comments were so uplifting. And it feels SO GOOD to say that SOB's name without censorship. He's the one who should want to hide his face and identify...NOT ME. Hugs!
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I am going to respond in detail later to my threads, but I just wanted to tell each and every one of you how very much you mean to me. I love you all so much. I love AS.
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The TRIAL is NEXT WEEK. I am in knots waiting for Monday...
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Thank you @lexip and @Oneinamillion
I can't believe it's nearly here. I am terrified.
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The upcoming trial is torturing me. I feel like I am right in the path of a devouring monster and I can't move. I can't do anything, except to let it get me. I am so stressed out right now that my stomach is constantly hurting with stabbing pains, I can't sleep, and my anxiety med to take as needed isn't working. It's 10 days from pre-trial and the trial is a week after that.
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The book i cant get over it a handbook for trauma survivors, is the only thing that is has helped me in a long time or this much ever. It helps you make sense of everything and helps you see where self esteem needs to be improved and how to help with secondary wounding and teaches how to take really good care of ourselves. I think we have something in common tw: both our perpetrators we obsessed with us from a yound age and for years. Mine was obsessed with me and would groom and stalk me since we were in fifth grade. She is a millionare so even though she was so young there is a power imbalance between us. Anyway she would obsess over me moving further away feom her and freakes out when i almost koved out of state. Anyway. Being stalked and obsessed over for such a long period of time js mentally terrifying .
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Thank you all. I feel...well I can't put it into words. I am just scared, nervous, sick, but that doesn't cover it.
Last night I couldn't stop seeing myself opening the door and him standing there. I cried myself to sleep and all that would come out of myself was monster...over and over and over. That's all I could say. I was trying to prepare myself for testifying because I have to do another trial prep on Tuesday after the pre-trial hearing on Monday (if it is not put off again) and I COULD NOT. I could NOT make myself go past that first scene. It was way too much. I couldn't handle it. I am so broken.
@GaleH it is terrifying. I am so sorry you know how that feels.
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Confused, hurting, old, broken, irreparable, unwanted, dirty, worthless...how I feel right now...
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Thank you @lexip
Thank you, @snmls i very much need hugs right now.
@Painnbroken I know you understand. Thank you so much.
Thank you, @Kris78. That is really encouraging. I needed to hear that.
@ttrying I needed to hear that, too. Hearing you say that I make you want to not give up is worth more than you could ever know.
I was feeling so lonely and depressed yesterday. I still am...but I think today is better. I hope...
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We are all here for each other. I went to a theater performance "you don't know me" last night. It was moving. The biggest take away that I have from that performance is we are not alone in our pain we gather here to be a beacon of light to guide one another through the darkness into the light. If there is more that we can all do together as a group to end the injustices of sexual assault let's do it. I will always be here for you so please do not give up on your self. You are beautiful
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Thank you @Unsettled I'm trying. I'm so tired.
Thank you @Ian37.
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Today is my AS-iversary I joined a year ago today. I am thankful I stumbled across this site in a Google search for support groups because my town has no in-person ones. I am thankful I took the chance and joined, although I was unsure and felt unsafe. I now know it is safe here. I am supported and loved, and I am so thankful. Thank you to you all. I truly love and appreciate you.
Amy
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I feel like I have endured all I can. I have felt pain so deep that nothing else can touch me. I am just walking around numb and dead inside. I am alive but not. I feel like an alien on another planet.
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EXACTLY!!!!!!! @StrugglingMama I don't feel like non-survivors get that at all.
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Thank you @Painnbroken
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I was in Austin on business for a few days and just returned. I don't know how I am. I feel depressed, angry, and numb all at once. I am all over the place. I wanted to check back in and thank everyone for your support.
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Thank you all. I wanted to stay because Austin had no memories of him or the trial or of anything. All I had to do was concentrate on work and then only worry about what we wanted to do that night and what I wanted to try next. Thoughts intruded CONSTANTLY, but it was still much better than now. I love my coworkers and we had such a great time. I felt like I was safe in Austin where V and W and even Judge J couldn't get me...
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Austin was great, @StrugglingMama. I didn't want to come home. I said to my boss and coworkers, V and his lawyers can't get me here. I don't want to go back to Texarkana...
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This morning on the way to work I couldn't stop seeing him raping me. I gagged and nearly vomited all over myself while driving. I couldn't stop gagging. I really thought I wouldn't be able to hold it back, but I did. I got to work and almost couldn't get out of the car. I was in no shape to be around people. But I shoved it down, ate a peppermint, and go to work. Then I got a text saying my T has to cancel today, see you next week. She did the same thing the week before last. I know she is dealing with a lot but I needed her and I feel rejected and abandoned. I just want to cry.
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I can't get those images out of my mind. I feel like no matter what he wins because he took me. And I can't ever get me back. He is this giant monster looming over me. - I could of wrote the exact same words that you have earlier in my recovery, I know his place your at and I know its dark, but you can and you will make it through, thinking of you and hoping the flashbacks subside for you soon!
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Thank you @MzKeys75. Getting some distance sounds like heaven right now
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Thank you @lexip
That's encouraging. I needed to hear that.
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Thinking of you.
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I feel stifled. I feel silenced. The only one who has rights is the man who caused all of my pain.
I feel like I am too much and should not seek support or talk about the drama that is my life anymore. I feel like it's old news to everyone around me. I feel like everyone is tired of it all. I am tired of it all. But unlike everyone else, I do not have the luxury of escape.
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Thank you, @snmls. I really appreciate that. I won't give up, but I am EXTREMELY battle-weary.
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