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Iheartcupcakes

Moderator
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Status Updates posted by Iheartcupcakes

  1. Struggling hard. So sorry. I may continue to be scarce until after this weekend when the 5th anniversary is. Love you all so much. Truly. 

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Hoping8

      Hoping8

      Be scarce, or be plentiful. Whatever works for you at whatever moment you encounter. You have been on my mind. A lot.

    3. Dahliaa

      Dahliaa

      Sending you love and support as well :)

       

    4. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      I'm so sorry, Amy.  I know it's a rough time.  We're here for you.  :)

       

  2. Today is the day. The Supreme Court (of AR) gave The Monster's scumbag defense lawyers until today to file their writ of certiorari with them and you guessed it. There is NOTHING on the docket so far. They've had THREE YEARS to do this, and they can't even honor a two week-deadline given to them by a court that can sanction them, etc. They are unbelievable. If you have followed my story, you already know that. I just wonder how long this will be allowed to continue. I am tired. But, no one gives a you-know-what about me. Not the Court, not his lawyers, no one in the system. Victims don't get lawyers for themselves, and once a case has progressed to an appeal, the prosecutor is done. Once again, I am my own advocate. And, like I said, I am tired. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      Sending you lots of love, hugs, and extra strength. I don't know what those morons are thinking. This is a hard time of year for you anyway and a horrible year for everyone, but remember that the monster is locked up and will not be able to spend the holidays with his family - nor will those wretched people be able to spend the holidays with him. :console:

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you all so much. It turns out Walker filed something (not a writ of certiorari) on the 27th. Not sure what happens next. 

    4. abhaya

      abhaya

      Poop. I'm sorry this process is still continuing.  Sending you support and sitting with you in solidarity, if you would like.

  3. Nothing is helping. I felt a bit better after writing yesterday and posting it here, but I am still in a pit. I am at work trying to avoid everyone so that I don't take it out on them. I left my anxiety meds at home...but what good would they do anyway? I feel more depressed than anxious. I wish I was home with my dogs. But even then, I am still suffering. I have no idea what to do. 

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      My stylist knows what I have been through but I didn't really want to talk about it. I just told her I was struggling. It turned out okay. I just wasn't in the mood. 

      Thank you so much @Field8 and @MeBeMary :throb:

    3. lexip

      lexip

      @Iheartcupcakes sitting with you ❤️ 

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  4. Today I have court.

    This time I am not the victim, but I am speaking for him. I am fostering a dog who has been abused and starved. I am a witness in the case against his owners and hopefully we will convict them of neglect and the dog will not be returned to them. They are fighting to get him back. 

    It is bringing up a lot. I have not been in court since my trial, which was three years ago (April 2017). Could use sitters and prayers/good vibes that the innocent dog gets justice and will not be returned to his abusers. I think we can all identify with that....

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. BrightSide

      BrightSide

      Im sorry I am late for support, I hope that it went well yesterday 💛

    3. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      That's so very good of you. I didn't see this till now, but you are doing a wonderful thing.

      I've said many times, it's hard for me to fathom somebody who can abuse a dog.  They are such wonderful little creatures, because their love for us is so pure and total.  To betray that is a horrible violation.  

      Are you able to share how it went?

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @MeBeMary @BrightSide @goldraindrops thank you so much. It did not go well and I am not okay, unfortunately. I posted about it in the Gathering Place. 

  5. I’m thinking of you all in these crazy times. I love my AS family ❤️

    It’s April which means it’s not only the anniversary of the trial but Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I’m usually running myself ragged doing things, but with social distancing and quarantine, it has cut it way down. I feel like that’s good and bad. I’m tired, and I get a break, but I don’t want people to not be involved. I don’t want the level of awareness to suffer.

    April 27 marks the third year since the monster was convicted and put away for life. It’s triggering but it’s on the back burner right now. My dad is fading fast 💔

    for those of you who don’t know he has terminal cancer and he has fought an amazing battle. He is in the 1% of survivors living 22 months with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. That is unheard of. But his time is drawing near and he does not want me to travel to be with him. I don’t understand even though a lot of people are telling me they do. It doesn’t feel good, but I am respecting his wishes. It’s been pretty rough. 

    also, one of my huge triggers is masks, hoodies, and otherwise covered faces, and I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this. In this pandemic people are wearing masks. They’re everywhere. I’m trying to normalize it but I feel like I’m being unhealthy and just putting it out of my mind and not dealing with it. I think I have too much going on. 

    How are you all holding up? 
     

    Love to all of my AS fam. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Field8
    3. snmls

      snmls

      Sending you love :throb:

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you so much @MeBeMary ❤️ Maybe that’s it. 
       

      thank you @Field8 and @snmls ❤️

  6. All...I am in the midst of working on a shutdown for my school district. Before that, I was sick myself and home for a solid week with a low grade fever and respiratory/flu symptoms. I am better now, but we have no idea what my illness was. I am NOT saying I had COVID-19, but I was sick with something. Not having a diagnosis was scary. I am so sorry I have not been as present as I would like to be lately. It's been one thing after another lately. I am still here for you. I love AS and each of you. I just wanted to let you know what is going on. I am an "essential" employee, so I cannot go home and simply self-quarantine like everyone else. I will still be working, but hopefully, reduced hours. I pray you are all well and healthy, and managing anxiety and stress during this time. Love to you all :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. MeBeMary
    3. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      Stay safe and healthy.  We all love and appreciate you.

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @AKB uhhhh those sound AH-mazing!!! 😍

      Thank you all so much. AS is so very important to me. 

  7. Doing better with anxiety over my dad's terminal cancer. Going home to see him in 11 days. If you need me, I am here. You can always PM. I will always want to talk with you and support you. I love my AS family :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      We support you to, Amy. Big :hug:s to you. 

    3. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Sending all the love and support your way:hug:if ok❤️

    4. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      I’m glad you are doing better with this. All the :throb:s!

  8. Thursday and Friday (the anniversary dates) are bearing down on me. My beloved little foster dog was adopted Sunday and although I have another, it always breaks my heart to let one go. I also got some news about my dad. He has terminal pancreatic cancer that spread to his lungs, which is the main issue. He has survived way longer than predicted, but now his lungs are giving out on him. He can barely breathe. Even with treatments, he says he feels like someone is standing on his chest. Work is overwhelming, holiday travel is too, and so much more. I am just feeling overwhelmed and EXHAUSTED. My body just flat wants to give up. I have no energy and I yawn all day and fight sleep. I just want to go to bed but I can't. I have deadlines to meet and no one else to do the work. Praying that the weekend comes soon and brings relief. Saturday I am going to the local shelter to take pictures of the dogs there for adoption to post and hopefully get them exposure so they will find homes. I know I will enjoy that. Thanksgiving week will be good, I hope. For the first time, the anniversaries are not near it, since Thanksgiving is later this year. I hope that means I can move on and feel better. 

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Moongoddess

      Moongoddess

      Sending hugs your way, friend. :hug:

    3. lexip

      lexip

      That is a lot to deal with, but your so strong,  I know you will get through it (((AMY)))

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  9. We met our October donation goal! Thank you so much to everyone :throb: It is now November, and I know we can do it again if we all band together and do what we can do. You are all amazing!

    1. Mave

      Mave

      Woop! 🙌 Awesome sauce!

  10. Hi everyone!

    We are a fourth of the way to our October donation goal. Maybe some of you have not donated because you don't use chat, and that's understandable. I myself didn't realize until recently that it went to more than the new chat platform.The donations fund the forum. No pressure, but if you can spare any, we would appreciate it! If you can, let's help defray expenses. Our monthly goal is only $200. You shouldn't have to donate much or often...we have thousands of members. Just wanted to put this back on the radar so we can meet our goals and provide this safe space for those who are hurting. Love to all!

    Amy

    1. Field8
    2. Poppy_

      Poppy_

      I donated! :clap:I will continue to give what I can every month :)  

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you both! :throb: I hope many contribute a little. We surely don't want anyone to be burdened. 

  11. Browsing the forums I saw the board for sexual assault by a stranger. I had a sickening realization. I feel like I've been victimized by both at once. During the crimes, he was a masked armed man who forced his way into my home. It was terrifying. Then, he was revealed as someone I know and USED to care for. The knife cut deeper, and I didn't think that was possible. I have always thought since it turned out that I know him, I have never experienced stranger rape. But that's not actually true. Wow. This is a bit much to take in....

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Poppy_

      Poppy_

      I know how you feel, in a way. I thought because I met the guy in the bar before it happened and I knew his first name, it wasn't a stranger. But I didn't KNOW him. I had never met him before. He was, indeed, a stranger to me. It's a hard realization to set in. I'm so sorry, friend. Sending warm, safe hugs your way :console:

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @lexip I remember you talking about that. I am so sorry you know how this feels. I would call them strangers. Even though they might have been a bit familiar. It's awful either way. 

      @Poppy_ That is hard. Thank you and hugs back :throb:

    4. lexip

      lexip

      @Iheartcupcakes it really is and thank you hope ur doing ok ❤️

  12. I sent the letter to the shooter (posted about it) almost a week ago. It will take 3 days or so to get to California and then the prison will open it and do whatever they do before it gets to him. I don't know how long it will take, but I keep checking my mailbox with disappointment. I guess I am afraid of never getting that amends letter. Feeling oddly nervous for some reason. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      I haven't been able to respond to your thread yet, but I was going to ask whether you have tried to get the letter from the parole board. He gave them a copy of the letter and it seems like that makes it a public record. Maybe his documents aren't available to the general public, but if the parole board read a letter that was written to you, why shouldn't you be able to see it? 

      That said, I think he will respond to you, but he might want to talk to his counselor -- or whoever it was who told him not to send it originally -- first. He might also take some time to add to what he wrote before. Did he have a lawyer at the hearing or do you know or can you find out who helped him prepare for it? Maybe you can contact that person if you don't receive a response for a long time and you can't get it from the parole board.

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you, @Mave :throb: :throb: :throb:

      Thanks, @MeBeMary. I appreciate that so much. It would be really good to finally move past this...23 years later. For the first two decades I buried it and didn't deal with it. I didn't know...I was a kid who wasn't given any tools to heal. I am so trying to change that. 

      @Hoping8 thank you :throb:

      @Whisper It's not...the only thing I am entitled to is the transcript, which I got. I was so hoping the commissioner would read the letter aloud and thus make it part of the transcript, but he didn't. But, if he doesn't reply, I may try to appeal to them through victim services. :throb:

      Yes...I had considered he may add to or even rewrite the letter if he gave the board the original and did not make a copy. I know it hasn't been long enough to worry yet, but I can't help it :/ He did have a lawyer. I have thought about that, too. Thank you for your help, as always :throb:

    4. Whisper

      Whisper

      That's crazy. I guess the system of keeping documents submitted to the parole board confidential was not designed to account for a situation like this, but it still makes me think WTF?

      I understand your impatience and anxiety. Hang in there.

      FWIW, based solely on what I read in the transcript,  I believe he genuinely is remorseful and even though he said he thought you were "collateral damage", I don't think he ever truly felt that way. 

  13. Emily Doe...the survivor of Brock Turner, has named herself. Be warned of a flurry of news coverage. I am being tagged in it everywhere, and I can't deal. She named herself for the EXACT same reasons I did. I made the media publish my name because my name is NOT victim, complainant, accuser, or alleged anything. Me asserting, "My name is Amy Stanley!" actually became the title of one piece. Crying in my office at work now after being tagged and reading. I can't take away her pain...and I can't take away mine. Feeling helpless and broken. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      I thought about you when I read about her today.  I think both of you are amazing.  

      So courageous of both of you to do what you've done for the sake of others.

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Whisper I have no words for what you wrote. THANK YOU. Just what I needed to hear. Teary-eyed in a very good way. I will do as you suggested. We will see what comes of it :throb:

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @goldraindrops Thank you so very much. Others have said they thought of me, too, and that's humbling. 

  14. Getting ready for SAAM 2019! Teal nails done with the powder I collaborated on with a creator/business owner. It’s so special to me. #tealismypowercolor 

    0627F877-2361-4F5E-AB5B-B4D2A240EA5C.jpeg

    A199DB45-5B43-44BF-BCD8-B3DDC52FE6C0.jpeg

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      The necklace itself is nice. There is just something about the image of a chain around your hand and fingers in the context of SA that hits me wrong. Your nails say empowerment, but the chain makes me think of the opposite. No worries though because your nails are awesome and it's just a photo -- when you wear your necklace it is totally different. Also, it seems that nobody else is reacting to it as I did. Seems my brain often thinks the opposite of how everyone else's does.

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      I understand, @Whisper. I can see what you are saying. I am wearing it today so it looks better :throb:

    4. Whisper
  15. Making my father's cremation and burial at sea plans the last couple of days has been beyond hard. I wanted to help and asked to take this burden from my aunt. My father and other family lives in California and I am in Texas. I can't do much and I hate it. This aunt is his caregiver because of that. It was worse than I thought it would be. I have just been nauseated and sad. I know it's not SA-related although my father was abusive in every other way in my childhood. But I have tried to have a relationship in latter years and I do love him. It's bleeding into everything else. I feel like 36 is too young to lose a parent...and it hurts so much. 

    1. Show previous comments  13 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      I'm sorry you are hurting, Amy. Sitting with you. :comfort:

    3. Silentnomore5

      Silentnomore5

      Hugs  if ok we are all here for u always

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  16. I’m sorry for being MIA lately. With the anniversary dates, falling on thanksgiving day no less, and the appeal possibly expiring or moving forward at the same time, I haven’t been much good to anyone, even myself. I just want you all to know how special you are to me and that I’m comitted and grateful for AS. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Glad you’re feeling better. (((Hugs)))

    3. Iheartcupcakes
    4. lexip

      lexip

      You have so much going on take care of yourself right now ❤️

  17. Appeal deadline is supposedly the 17th, which is a weekend so I guess it is the 19th. Five more days. Nothing has been done in a year. A year ago today, the court reporter finished compiling the transcript for the defense. They picked it up on 12/6/17 and that was it. I am afraid they will blindside me again like they did continually during the course of the hearings and fight to get to trial. I hope and pray it comes and goes without incident and that this will be truly over. I am going to email the prosecutor on 11/19 and ask if it is over. 

    1. Show previous comments  10 more
    2. HiddenHeart

      HiddenHeart

      Thinking of you tonight & hoping yesterday passed without anything being filed. 

    3. Hoping8

      Hoping8

      Echoing @HiddenHeart.  I am thinking of you.

    4. Whisper

      Whisper

      Still thinking of you through your anniversary days. Sending strength.

  18. Too much pain. Too much sadness. Too much heartbreak. Too much everything. 

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      I'm sorry you are hurting so much, my friend. :console:

    3. Hoping8

      Hoping8

      I am so sorry.  I will hold some of it with you.  I wish I could do more, but I am sending you love and peace, and feeling some of the sorrow with you.  There there, there there....

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you :throb: I have a new foster dog and has added some love and sunshine. I am just exhausted. 

  19. Has anyone ever tried Pristiq for the treatment of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)?

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. BraveOne

      BraveOne

      @Iheartcupcakes... I was on wellbutrin for about 2 weeks had a major issue in which I became super paranoid over everything... The dr took me off of it and told me never to try it again.

    3. Whisper

      Whisper

      I don't have any experience with Pristiq, but I'm sitting with you. You've come a long way in the last 3 years and have so many great things ahead of you. :console:

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you all. I’m feeling better. 

      @Whisper thank you so much. I needed to hear that. 

  20. Kavanaugh this, Kavanaugh that. I am so tired. I feel horrible, just like I did when Trump was elected. This has really, really affected me, like it has a lot of survivors. I wasn't really expecting that. People around me support him. I think some are so blind to politics that they can't even consider that Dr. Ford is telling the truth. I am frustrated, sad, nauseated, discouraged, angry, and isolated. I was in the grocery store after work yesterday and I felt myself losing control over the littlest things. I went home and tried to do some self-care. I am trying to stay away from it today but that is not easy. 

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Whisper thank you so much for those encouraging words. I really needed them. I know it hits home for you, too :throb:

    3. Whisper

      Whisper

      The part that I am having the most trouble with is all the girls at the schools where Ford lived who didn't talk to each other. Although I wondered whether my attacker went on to abuse others, I somehow never imagined that he abused other girls at my HS or that other girls had similar experiences there. Now I wonder how many girls I knew were also assaulted. With everything I know about SA, I still always imagine that it was only me.

      Also, my attacker became a lawyer (not criminal law -- thank God he didn't become a criminal defense attorney) and had his own law firm. But his firm has disappeared and he didn't register and pay his registration fee to the state bar when it was last due. The address listed in his attorney registration record isn't where his firm was -- it's an apartment that used to be listed in his mother's name, but maybe a couple of years ago, I saw that the apartment was sold. He has stayed clear of social media and there is very little trace of him on the internet. So now I'm wondering whether he's in some kind of trouble. I am upset enough that he became a lawyer. I can't imagine how I would cope with him being a judge and, especially, a Supreme Court Justice. 

      I don't know whether Kavanaugh is going to be confirmed -- I was pretty confident that he wouldn't be when I thought the FBI was doing a full investigation. Now that it appears the investigation was a sham, I'm not sure what is going to happen.  However, Sen Merkley filed a lawsuit to compel the WH to produce all of the docs they are hiding and made a motion for temporary restraining order to stop the vote while the case is pending. I think it is unlikely that he will win the case, but it's the same DC judge that had Manafort's case and I'm hoping she'll grant the TRO. Even delaying could help. Regardless, Kavanaugh is very dirty and I believe that, if he is confirmed, then after Mueller really acts and the truth about Trump et al comes out in full force, he will be impeached or he will resign (after being indicted).

      I know this is hard -- it's like we're being punched in the face and spit on repeatedly every day --  but hang on because we're not at the end yet. I just hope, hope, hope that women are going to vote this time and get rid of a lot of Republicans. They aren't a political party anymore, they are a bunch of criminals (the people in office, not the people voting for them). The Dems need to be cleaned up too, but first we have to get the Reps out of power. 

      When you have time, take a break from the depressing news and read these articles suggesting that women are going to vote and change things:  https://www.npr.org/2018/09/24/650447848/the-womens-wave-backlash-to-trump-persists-reshaping-politics-in-2018 and https://www.thecut.com/2018/09/rebecca-traister-good-and-mad-book-excerpt.html

       

    4. Whisper

      Whisper

      Update: I'm reading that McConnell doesn't have the votes. :crossfingers::crossfingers::crossfingers:  Ben Sasse gave a speech in which he said that he told Trump to pick a woman instead of Kavanaugh (a woman who wants to overturn R v W, but not a criminal who would protect him), partly because they were not equipped to deal with SA allegations that might surface. He has friends who were raped and understands the hell this causes. But OMG, is he admitting that they knew about Kav's past in advance? I know they did, but he's admitting it???? Anyway, he says things and then votes as he's supposed to, so I don't trust him to vote no. But maybe a group of Senators are going to tell McConnell that they will vote no, so he won't take a vote. https://www.omaha.com/news/politics/in-emotional-speech-ben-sasse-says-he-told-trump-to/article_537dc762-1cb2-5378-9cd5-b0507e0b1cf2.html

  21. I should probably take a break from Facebook. If I don't, I may need bail money. 

     

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      @Iheartcupcakes, Facebook literally causes nothing but trouble, was probably the worst thing to ever exist on the internet too.

      safe hugs :hug: if ok?

    3. Iheartcupcakes
    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Yw safe hugs :hug:if ok?

       

  22. Today is The Monster's birthday. He turned 24. 24. That hurts me so badly. So young....and he threw his life away. I remember him as he was before he hurt me, and I am just so sad today. It makes me sick. So many conflicting emotions....I could cry-for my pain, and for his foolishness and wasting his life. I am not livid and cursing the day like I have in the past. I am grieving. A friend said that was progress. I hope so....

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you, @Free2Fly

      @Capulet I appreciate that so much. I guess it's a good thing that work is crazy busy this week with homecoming tomorrow. 

    3. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Your welcome , safe hugs :hug: if ok?

    4. GaleH

      GaleH

      Mild tw

      I've heard in a sa recovery book on tape type of thing that, this person didn't feel as bad on their parents anniversary as much as her dads birthday. I think her parents or dad abused her. And the they were saying that the birthday is worse because it is the day they were born. If they were never born then they wouldn't have to go through the abuse. Or, their birth represents your abuse. So it would understandably be a tough trigger safe hugs 

  23. So hard to get out of bed the past few days. All I want to do is sleep and cuddle with my dogs. That's it. I don't want to work; I don't have the brain power. I don't want to talk to people; they can't make me better. Sleep does...unless I have more nightmares. Just feeling so very drained...

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      It does change, @Ian37. I usually do go home at lunch. LOL...I understand. 

      Thank you @Free2Fly. My body is giving up on me, too. I can't stop yawning. I am so worn. 

    3. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      im sorry it's given up on you too, I can truely relate I'm far from the healthiest person on the planet right now...

      plus ive been having issues with meds cause the country has changed the rules so now I can't get them and I need them cause I have a vitamin d deficiency meaning I'm always aching & weak.

      i mean while I can get it from the sun the weather has been terrible here.

      hope you feel better soon though :) .

    4. lexip

      lexip

      seriously did I write this?? I hear you, healing is so hard I have been having a rough just getting through the day it was a relief today to actually be "sick" because I knew I had a legit reason to stay home all day and sleep! that sounds SO messed up doesn't it, here for you,  hang in there amy!

  24. With the onset of fall, my PTSD symptoms are worsening. I am just sad. I guess I am remembering more often. I have noticed more nightmares and irrational dreams. Just trying to carry on even though I am depressed and exhausted. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thanks, @Capulet. It used to be my favorite. I am so angry that he took that, too. 

    3. lexip

      lexip

      I feel the fall is contributing to my latest ptsd flare up too as well as constantly being near the centre of town for work hang in there I no this time of year is not easy for u

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  25. Saw a meme that captures my life right now...

    "My life is like a Taylor Swift song....

    I go on too many dates, but I can't make them stay."

    :laugh3:

    1. Capulet

      Capulet

      :throb: 

      The one who stays will be the one that's worth your affections. 

    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you, friend. I know you understand what I am talking about. I appreciate that so much. 

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