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Iheartcupcakes

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Status Updates posted by Iheartcupcakes

  1. Six years ago tonight and tomorrow. Six years. I cannot believe what I lived  through. Last night was rough and tonight will be even worse. I can’t believe what happened to me…

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      Thinking of you and sending you hugs. I can't believe what you went through either and traumaversaries suck, but you survived, you put your rapist in prison and gave an eloquent and awesome victim impact statement, you are healing, and you are doing so much to help others. Not to mention how incredibly focused you were not only on doing what you had to do to survive that night, but also on ensuring that your rapist would be caught. You are an amazing and incredibly strong woman and that hasn't changed. :hug:  :throb: 

    3. snmls

      snmls

      :throb::throb: It is also six years of survival, resilience, strength, bravery, and advocacy. I wish I could change each and everyone one of our pasts, but I'm so glad you are here. 

    4. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      I am late, but sitting with you if you need ❤️ You are so very strong and you inspire me every day ❤️ 

  2. It's a little ridiculous that I have a broken heart (relationship wasn't that long) but I do. Riding the wave, as my T puts it. It sucks. 💔

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Mimi M.

      Mimi M.

      Awww, Im so sorry (hugs if comfortable). Been through that a couple times. In my case, the rejection hurt so bad, and just when I was staring to like them too 😥 So heart breaking.

      Sounds like your heart is pure and unlocked; able to allow the possibility of letting love in. Hang in there precious one. Sitting with you.

      -Mimi

    3. Field8

      Field8

      Not at all!!!! You feel how you feel. Sitting with you.

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Whisper Thank you. It did move fast. At first I was cautious and resistant. He somehow won me over. I haven't felt what I felt for him in a very long time, if ever. My boss said he knows why M moved so fast...he knew what a good thing he had. I guess not though...bc he threw me away pretty easily. 

      @mini.finch @MeBeMary @orangegiraffe thank you friends :hug:

      @Mimi M. I will. Thank you for the kind words. They helped. 

      @Field8 Thank you :throb:

  3. Things improve and there is a glimmer of hope and then BAM. The rug is yanked out from under me. I don't know if I have the energy to get up anymore. My SO's trauma plus mine (traumaversarys are next month for me) is overwhelming. And...it's mostly his. I am dealing really well with mine. Probably because I don't have any energy left to give to it....Hurting. Confused. Struggling. TIRED. 

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Sending lots of comfort💙that sounds exhausting😢

    3. 8888

      8888

      Sending support.  :hug:if okay.

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  4. Really struggling right now. In a lot of pain. Can't seem to comfort myself. It's not my trauma but how my SO's is affecting me. Could use all the support. 

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @WannaMoveOn @Capulet @mini.finch @Field8 @AKB @MeBeMary @matts thank you all so much. I had a rough weekend, with missing him since I was supposed to be on my trip to visit him, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. He is really trying to be more present and be mindful of the way he is affecting me, and I appreciate it. But, I just want HIM to be okay. The traumaversary is Monday for him. 

    3. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Sending you lots of love @Iheartcupcakes, that sounds so hard, hoping you are finding some comfort❤️

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      thank you, my friend. @waterlily13

  5. The appeal should be decided on Wednesday although that date is not firm. Fall is already hard for me. I am really feeling the depression. I am so happy with my partner, and I am going to see him soon. It's just hard to shake all of this. People tell me to focus on the future and not look back, but they have no idea how hard that is when the past keeps intruding and you have no control...be it the court system or with PTSD and depression....

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Capulet

      Capulet

      ❤️ 
      @Iheartcupcakes - I get it, it’s hard to focus on your future when your past is still a large part of it.  Whenever something new pops up, we cannot help but drag the past along with us because it’s always going to be present.  I am so glad your new beau is someone who will be glad to help you carry it.  I’m sorry the courts are dragging things out and giving you more to worry about; especially now.  I am always here if you need to vent. 💕  

    3. Field8

      Field8

      I’m so sorry. Sitting with you always.

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you @MeBeMary and @Capulet for understanding so well. I would love nothing more than for this not to continue to affect me but that is just not realistic. Thankfully my partner has his own trauma and understands this. 

      Thank you so much @Field8 :throb:

  6. Loving our community. I am so glad to be a part of such an amazing group of people. We don't celebrate the reasons, but I do celebrate YOU. Love to you all :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. 8888

      8888

      Agreed!  💗

    3. orangegiraffe
    4. Angel_12

      Angel_12

      I agree! This is an awesome community filled with amazing people like you! ❤️

  7. So defeated. Just so much going on. It seems like there are issues in every area of my life. Feeling hopeless, unlovable, and not worth it. Don't know where to go from here. What is the point of continuing to work? For what? What kind of a future can I have? I feel like things keep not working out in all areas and it's just what is going to keep happening. I am so tired. I had a hard time sleeping last night and cried a lot. This morning I just want to sit at my desk and cry and wish I was home in bed. First off my boss started in on me assuming a big error that was made was mine (it was not) without even asking me about it first. Now I am trying not to take all of my pain out on my coworkers....Friday cannot come soon enough. I just want to hide away in my house this weekend. 

    1. Show previous comments  12 more
    2. Whisper
    3. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Sending you lots of love, I hope you are feeling even a little better tonight, you are an amazing person and I know things will get better💙sitting with you as long as you need💙

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Whisper and @waterlily13 thank you so much :throb:

  8. My five-year AS-aversary was in March. I am so thankful that I found this community. I love you all so much! - Amy :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      Happy AS-versary!! :hug:

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Poppy_ thank you so much! I am thankful to know you too :throb: Lots of love back!

      @waterlily13 awww it makes me so happy to hear that. Thank you so much. I am blessed to know you as well!

      @Whisper it feels like forever, doesn't it?? ❤️

      @MeBeMary Yes! That is a great way of looking at it. I am grateful for your friendship!

      @mini.finch thank you!

      @snmls :throb:

    4. Angel_12

      Angel_12

      Happy AS-versary! Thank you for all you do for this community. You are an inspiration.

  9. Still waiting on appeal to be heard by the state Supreme Court. Could take months.....

    :hammer::ranting::protest:

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Mave

      Mave

      You’re welcome. You’re not alone. 💛

    3. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      I can't wait for all this to be over for you.  ❤️

    4. Whisper
  10. Struggling hard. So sorry. I may continue to be scarce until after this weekend when the 5th anniversary is. Love you all so much. Truly. 

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Hoping8

      Hoping8

      Be scarce, or be plentiful. Whatever works for you at whatever moment you encounter. You have been on my mind. A lot.

    3. Dahliaa

      Dahliaa

      Sending you love and support as well :)

       

    4. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      I'm so sorry, Amy.  I know it's a rough time.  We're here for you.  :)

       

  11. Today is the day. The Supreme Court (of AR) gave The Monster's scumbag defense lawyers until today to file their writ of certiorari with them and you guessed it. There is NOTHING on the docket so far. They've had THREE YEARS to do this, and they can't even honor a two week-deadline given to them by a court that can sanction them, etc. They are unbelievable. If you have followed my story, you already know that. I just wonder how long this will be allowed to continue. I am tired. But, no one gives a you-know-what about me. Not the Court, not his lawyers, no one in the system. Victims don't get lawyers for themselves, and once a case has progressed to an appeal, the prosecutor is done. Once again, I am my own advocate. And, like I said, I am tired. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      Sending you lots of love, hugs, and extra strength. I don't know what those morons are thinking. This is a hard time of year for you anyway and a horrible year for everyone, but remember that the monster is locked up and will not be able to spend the holidays with his family - nor will those wretched people be able to spend the holidays with him. :console:

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you all so much. It turns out Walker filed something (not a writ of certiorari) on the 27th. Not sure what happens next. 

    4. abhaya

      abhaya

      Poop. I'm sorry this process is still continuing.  Sending you support and sitting with you in solidarity, if you would like.

  12. Nothing is helping. I felt a bit better after writing yesterday and posting it here, but I am still in a pit. I am at work trying to avoid everyone so that I don't take it out on them. I left my anxiety meds at home...but what good would they do anyway? I feel more depressed than anxious. I wish I was home with my dogs. But even then, I am still suffering. I have no idea what to do. 

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      My stylist knows what I have been through but I didn't really want to talk about it. I just told her I was struggling. It turned out okay. I just wasn't in the mood. 

      Thank you so much @Field8 and @MeBeMary :throb:

    3. lexip

      lexip

      @Iheartcupcakes sitting with you ❤️ 

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  13. Today I have court.

    This time I am not the victim, but I am speaking for him. I am fostering a dog who has been abused and starved. I am a witness in the case against his owners and hopefully we will convict them of neglect and the dog will not be returned to them. They are fighting to get him back. 

    It is bringing up a lot. I have not been in court since my trial, which was three years ago (April 2017). Could use sitters and prayers/good vibes that the innocent dog gets justice and will not be returned to his abusers. I think we can all identify with that....

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. BrightSide

      BrightSide

      Im sorry I am late for support, I hope that it went well yesterday 💛

    3. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      That's so very good of you. I didn't see this till now, but you are doing a wonderful thing.

      I've said many times, it's hard for me to fathom somebody who can abuse a dog.  They are such wonderful little creatures, because their love for us is so pure and total.  To betray that is a horrible violation.  

      Are you able to share how it went?

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @MeBeMary @BrightSide @goldraindrops thank you so much. It did not go well and I am not okay, unfortunately. I posted about it in the Gathering Place. 

  14. I’m thinking of you all in these crazy times. I love my AS family ❤️

    It’s April which means it’s not only the anniversary of the trial but Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I’m usually running myself ragged doing things, but with social distancing and quarantine, it has cut it way down. I feel like that’s good and bad. I’m tired, and I get a break, but I don’t want people to not be involved. I don’t want the level of awareness to suffer.

    April 27 marks the third year since the monster was convicted and put away for life. It’s triggering but it’s on the back burner right now. My dad is fading fast 💔

    for those of you who don’t know he has terminal cancer and he has fought an amazing battle. He is in the 1% of survivors living 22 months with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. That is unheard of. But his time is drawing near and he does not want me to travel to be with him. I don’t understand even though a lot of people are telling me they do. It doesn’t feel good, but I am respecting his wishes. It’s been pretty rough. 

    also, one of my huge triggers is masks, hoodies, and otherwise covered faces, and I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this. In this pandemic people are wearing masks. They’re everywhere. I’m trying to normalize it but I feel like I’m being unhealthy and just putting it out of my mind and not dealing with it. I think I have too much going on. 

    How are you all holding up? 
     

    Love to all of my AS fam. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Field8
    3. snmls

      snmls

      Sending you love :throb:

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you so much @MeBeMary ❤️ Maybe that’s it. 
       

      thank you @Field8 and @snmls ❤️

  15. All...I am in the midst of working on a shutdown for my school district. Before that, I was sick myself and home for a solid week with a low grade fever and respiratory/flu symptoms. I am better now, but we have no idea what my illness was. I am NOT saying I had COVID-19, but I was sick with something. Not having a diagnosis was scary. I am so sorry I have not been as present as I would like to be lately. It's been one thing after another lately. I am still here for you. I love AS and each of you. I just wanted to let you know what is going on. I am an "essential" employee, so I cannot go home and simply self-quarantine like everyone else. I will still be working, but hopefully, reduced hours. I pray you are all well and healthy, and managing anxiety and stress during this time. Love to you all :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. MeBeMary
    3. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      Stay safe and healthy.  We all love and appreciate you.

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @AKB uhhhh those sound AH-mazing!!! 😍

      Thank you all so much. AS is so very important to me. 

  16. Doing better with anxiety over my dad's terminal cancer. Going home to see him in 11 days. If you need me, I am here. You can always PM. I will always want to talk with you and support you. I love my AS family :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      We support you to, Amy. Big :hug:s to you. 

    3. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Sending all the love and support your way:hug:if ok❤️

    4. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      I’m glad you are doing better with this. All the :throb:s!

  17. Thursday and Friday (the anniversary dates) are bearing down on me. My beloved little foster dog was adopted Sunday and although I have another, it always breaks my heart to let one go. I also got some news about my dad. He has terminal pancreatic cancer that spread to his lungs, which is the main issue. He has survived way longer than predicted, but now his lungs are giving out on him. He can barely breathe. Even with treatments, he says he feels like someone is standing on his chest. Work is overwhelming, holiday travel is too, and so much more. I am just feeling overwhelmed and EXHAUSTED. My body just flat wants to give up. I have no energy and I yawn all day and fight sleep. I just want to go to bed but I can't. I have deadlines to meet and no one else to do the work. Praying that the weekend comes soon and brings relief. Saturday I am going to the local shelter to take pictures of the dogs there for adoption to post and hopefully get them exposure so they will find homes. I know I will enjoy that. Thanksgiving week will be good, I hope. For the first time, the anniversaries are not near it, since Thanksgiving is later this year. I hope that means I can move on and feel better. 

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Moongoddess

      Moongoddess

      Sending hugs your way, friend. :hug:

    3. lexip

      lexip

      That is a lot to deal with, but your so strong,  I know you will get through it (((AMY)))

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  18. We met our October donation goal! Thank you so much to everyone :throb: It is now November, and I know we can do it again if we all band together and do what we can do. You are all amazing!

    1. Mave

      Mave

      Woop! 🙌 Awesome sauce!

  19. Hi everyone!

    We are a fourth of the way to our October donation goal. Maybe some of you have not donated because you don't use chat, and that's understandable. I myself didn't realize until recently that it went to more than the new chat platform.The donations fund the forum. No pressure, but if you can spare any, we would appreciate it! If you can, let's help defray expenses. Our monthly goal is only $200. You shouldn't have to donate much or often...we have thousands of members. Just wanted to put this back on the radar so we can meet our goals and provide this safe space for those who are hurting. Love to all!

    Amy

    1. Field8
    2. Poppy_

      Poppy_

      I donated! :clap:I will continue to give what I can every month :)  

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you both! :throb: I hope many contribute a little. We surely don't want anyone to be burdened. 

  20. Browsing the forums I saw the board for sexual assault by a stranger. I had a sickening realization. I feel like I've been victimized by both at once. During the crimes, he was a masked armed man who forced his way into my home. It was terrifying. Then, he was revealed as someone I know and USED to care for. The knife cut deeper, and I didn't think that was possible. I have always thought since it turned out that I know him, I have never experienced stranger rape. But that's not actually true. Wow. This is a bit much to take in....

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Poppy_

      Poppy_

      I know how you feel, in a way. I thought because I met the guy in the bar before it happened and I knew his first name, it wasn't a stranger. But I didn't KNOW him. I had never met him before. He was, indeed, a stranger to me. It's a hard realization to set in. I'm so sorry, friend. Sending warm, safe hugs your way :console:

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @lexip I remember you talking about that. I am so sorry you know how this feels. I would call them strangers. Even though they might have been a bit familiar. It's awful either way. 

      @Poppy_ That is hard. Thank you and hugs back :throb:

    4. lexip

      lexip

      @Iheartcupcakes it really is and thank you hope ur doing ok ❤️

  21. I sent the letter to the shooter (posted about it) almost a week ago. It will take 3 days or so to get to California and then the prison will open it and do whatever they do before it gets to him. I don't know how long it will take, but I keep checking my mailbox with disappointment. I guess I am afraid of never getting that amends letter. Feeling oddly nervous for some reason. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      I haven't been able to respond to your thread yet, but I was going to ask whether you have tried to get the letter from the parole board. He gave them a copy of the letter and it seems like that makes it a public record. Maybe his documents aren't available to the general public, but if the parole board read a letter that was written to you, why shouldn't you be able to see it? 

      That said, I think he will respond to you, but he might want to talk to his counselor -- or whoever it was who told him not to send it originally -- first. He might also take some time to add to what he wrote before. Did he have a lawyer at the hearing or do you know or can you find out who helped him prepare for it? Maybe you can contact that person if you don't receive a response for a long time and you can't get it from the parole board.

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you, @Mave :throb: :throb: :throb:

      Thanks, @MeBeMary. I appreciate that so much. It would be really good to finally move past this...23 years later. For the first two decades I buried it and didn't deal with it. I didn't know...I was a kid who wasn't given any tools to heal. I am so trying to change that. 

      @Hoping8 thank you :throb:

      @Whisper It's not...the only thing I am entitled to is the transcript, which I got. I was so hoping the commissioner would read the letter aloud and thus make it part of the transcript, but he didn't. But, if he doesn't reply, I may try to appeal to them through victim services. :throb:

      Yes...I had considered he may add to or even rewrite the letter if he gave the board the original and did not make a copy. I know it hasn't been long enough to worry yet, but I can't help it :/ He did have a lawyer. I have thought about that, too. Thank you for your help, as always :throb:

    4. Whisper

      Whisper

      That's crazy. I guess the system of keeping documents submitted to the parole board confidential was not designed to account for a situation like this, but it still makes me think WTF?

      I understand your impatience and anxiety. Hang in there.

      FWIW, based solely on what I read in the transcript,  I believe he genuinely is remorseful and even though he said he thought you were "collateral damage", I don't think he ever truly felt that way. 

  22. Emily Doe...the survivor of Brock Turner, has named herself. Be warned of a flurry of news coverage. I am being tagged in it everywhere, and I can't deal. She named herself for the EXACT same reasons I did. I made the media publish my name because my name is NOT victim, complainant, accuser, or alleged anything. Me asserting, "My name is Amy Stanley!" actually became the title of one piece. Crying in my office at work now after being tagged and reading. I can't take away her pain...and I can't take away mine. Feeling helpless and broken. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      I thought about you when I read about her today.  I think both of you are amazing.  

      So courageous of both of you to do what you've done for the sake of others.

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Whisper I have no words for what you wrote. THANK YOU. Just what I needed to hear. Teary-eyed in a very good way. I will do as you suggested. We will see what comes of it :throb:

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @goldraindrops Thank you so very much. Others have said they thought of me, too, and that's humbling. 

  23. Getting ready for SAAM 2019! Teal nails done with the powder I collaborated on with a creator/business owner. It’s so special to me. #tealismypowercolor 

    0627F877-2361-4F5E-AB5B-B4D2A240EA5C.jpeg

    A199DB45-5B43-44BF-BCD8-B3DDC52FE6C0.jpeg

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      The necklace itself is nice. There is just something about the image of a chain around your hand and fingers in the context of SA that hits me wrong. Your nails say empowerment, but the chain makes me think of the opposite. No worries though because your nails are awesome and it's just a photo -- when you wear your necklace it is totally different. Also, it seems that nobody else is reacting to it as I did. Seems my brain often thinks the opposite of how everyone else's does.

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      I understand, @Whisper. I can see what you are saying. I am wearing it today so it looks better :throb:

    4. Whisper
  24. Making my father's cremation and burial at sea plans the last couple of days has been beyond hard. I wanted to help and asked to take this burden from my aunt. My father and other family lives in California and I am in Texas. I can't do much and I hate it. This aunt is his caregiver because of that. It was worse than I thought it would be. I have just been nauseated and sad. I know it's not SA-related although my father was abusive in every other way in my childhood. But I have tried to have a relationship in latter years and I do love him. It's bleeding into everything else. I feel like 36 is too young to lose a parent...and it hurts so much. 

    1. Show previous comments  13 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      I'm sorry you are hurting, Amy. Sitting with you. :comfort:

    3. Silentnomore5

      Silentnomore5

      Hugs  if ok we are all here for u always

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  25. I’m sorry for being MIA lately. With the anniversary dates, falling on thanksgiving day no less, and the appeal possibly expiring or moving forward at the same time, I haven’t been much good to anyone, even myself. I just want you all to know how special you are to me and that I’m comitted and grateful for AS. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Glad you’re feeling better. (((Hugs)))

    3. Iheartcupcakes
    4. lexip

      lexip

      You have so much going on take care of yourself right now ❤️

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