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Iheartcupcakes

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Status Updates posted by Iheartcupcakes

  1. Thursday and Friday (the anniversary dates) are bearing down on me. My beloved little foster dog was adopted Sunday and although I have another, it always breaks my heart to let one go. I also got some news about my dad. He has terminal pancreatic cancer that spread to his lungs, which is the main issue. He has survived way longer than predicted, but now his lungs are giving out on him. He can barely breathe. Even with treatments, he says he feels like someone is standing on his chest. Work is overwhelming, holiday travel is too, and so much more. I am just feeling overwhelmed and EXHAUSTED. My body just flat wants to give up. I have no energy and I yawn all day and fight sleep. I just want to go to bed but I can't. I have deadlines to meet and no one else to do the work. Praying that the weekend comes soon and brings relief. Saturday I am going to the local shelter to take pictures of the dogs there for adoption to post and hopefully get them exposure so they will find homes. I know I will enjoy that. Thanksgiving week will be good, I hope. For the first time, the anniversaries are not near it, since Thanksgiving is later this year. I hope that means I can move on and feel better. 

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. moongoddess

      moongoddess

      Sending hugs your way, friend. :hug:

    3. lexip

      lexip

      That is a lot to deal with, but your so strong,  I know you will get through it (((AMY)))

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  2. We met our October donation goal! Thank you so much to everyone :throb: It is now November, and I know we can do it again if we all band together and do what we can do. You are all amazing!

    1. Mave

      Mave

      Woop! 🙌 Awesome sauce!

  3. Hi everyone!

    We are a fourth of the way to our October donation goal. Maybe some of you have not donated because you don't use chat, and that's understandable. I myself didn't realize until recently that it went to more than the new chat platform.The donations fund the forum. No pressure, but if you can spare any, we would appreciate it! If you can, let's help defray expenses. Our monthly goal is only $200. You shouldn't have to donate much or often...we have thousands of members. Just wanted to put this back on the radar so we can meet our goals and provide this safe space for those who are hurting. Love to all!

    Amy

    1. Field8
    2. Poppy_

      Poppy_

      I donated! :clap:I will continue to give what I can every month :)  

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you both! :throb: I hope many contribute a little. We surely don't want anyone to be burdened. 

  4. Browsing the forums I saw the board for sexual assault by a stranger. I had a sickening realization. I feel like I've been victimized by both at once. During the crimes, he was a masked armed man who forced his way into my home. It was terrifying. Then, he was revealed as someone I know and USED to care for. The knife cut deeper, and I didn't think that was possible. I have always thought since it turned out that I know him, I have never experienced stranger rape. But that's not actually true. Wow. This is a bit much to take in....

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Poppy_

      Poppy_

      I know how you feel, in a way. I thought because I met the guy in the bar before it happened and I knew his first name, it wasn't a stranger. But I didn't KNOW him. I had never met him before. He was, indeed, a stranger to me. It's a hard realization to set in. I'm so sorry, friend. Sending warm, safe hugs your way :console:

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @lexip I remember you talking about that. I am so sorry you know how this feels. I would call them strangers. Even though they might have been a bit familiar. It's awful either way. 

      @Poppy_ That is hard. Thank you and hugs back :throb:

    4. lexip

      lexip

      @Iheartcupcakes it really is and thank you hope ur doing ok ❤️

  5. I sent the letter to the shooter (posted about it) almost a week ago. It will take 3 days or so to get to California and then the prison will open it and do whatever they do before it gets to him. I don't know how long it will take, but I keep checking my mailbox with disappointment. I guess I am afraid of never getting that amends letter. Feeling oddly nervous for some reason. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      I haven't been able to respond to your thread yet, but I was going to ask whether you have tried to get the letter from the parole board. He gave them a copy of the letter and it seems like that makes it a public record. Maybe his documents aren't available to the general public, but if the parole board read a letter that was written to you, why shouldn't you be able to see it? 

      That said, I think he will respond to you, but he might want to talk to his counselor -- or whoever it was who told him not to send it originally -- first. He might also take some time to add to what he wrote before. Did he have a lawyer at the hearing or do you know or can you find out who helped him prepare for it? Maybe you can contact that person if you don't receive a response for a long time and you can't get it from the parole board.

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you, @Mave :throb: :throb: :throb:

      Thanks, @MeBeMary. I appreciate that so much. It would be really good to finally move past this...23 years later. For the first two decades I buried it and didn't deal with it. I didn't know...I was a kid who wasn't given any tools to heal. I am so trying to change that. 

      @Hoping8 thank you :throb:

      @Whisper It's not...the only thing I am entitled to is the transcript, which I got. I was so hoping the commissioner would read the letter aloud and thus make it part of the transcript, but he didn't. But, if he doesn't reply, I may try to appeal to them through victim services. :throb:

      Yes...I had considered he may add to or even rewrite the letter if he gave the board the original and did not make a copy. I know it hasn't been long enough to worry yet, but I can't help it :/ He did have a lawyer. I have thought about that, too. Thank you for your help, as always :throb:

    4. Whisper

      Whisper

      That's crazy. I guess the system of keeping documents submitted to the parole board confidential was not designed to account for a situation like this, but it still makes me think WTF?

      I understand your impatience and anxiety. Hang in there.

      FWIW, based solely on what I read in the transcript,  I believe he genuinely is remorseful and even though he said he thought you were "collateral damage", I don't think he ever truly felt that way. 

  6. Emily Doe...the survivor of Brock Turner, has named herself. Be warned of a flurry of news coverage. I am being tagged in it everywhere, and I can't deal. She named herself for the EXACT same reasons I did. I made the media publish my name because my name is NOT victim, complainant, accuser, or alleged anything. Me asserting, "My name is Amy Stanley!" actually became the title of one piece. Crying in my office at work now after being tagged and reading. I can't take away her pain...and I can't take away mine. Feeling helpless and broken. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. goldraindrops

      goldraindrops

      I thought about you when I read about her today.  I think both of you are amazing.  

      So courageous of both of you to do what you've done for the sake of others.

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Whisper I have no words for what you wrote. THANK YOU. Just what I needed to hear. Teary-eyed in a very good way. I will do as you suggested. We will see what comes of it :throb:

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @goldraindrops Thank you so very much. Others have said they thought of me, too, and that's humbling. 

  7. Getting ready for SAAM 2019! Teal nails done with the powder I collaborated on with a creator/business owner. It’s so special to me. #tealismypowercolor 

    0627F877-2361-4F5E-AB5B-B4D2A240EA5C.jpeg

    A199DB45-5B43-44BF-BCD8-B3DDC52FE6C0.jpeg

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      The necklace itself is nice. There is just something about the image of a chain around your hand and fingers in the context of SA that hits me wrong. Your nails say empowerment, but the chain makes me think of the opposite. No worries though because your nails are awesome and it's just a photo -- when you wear your necklace it is totally different. Also, it seems that nobody else is reacting to it as I did. Seems my brain often thinks the opposite of how everyone else's does.

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      I understand, @Whisper. I can see what you are saying. I am wearing it today so it looks better :throb:

    4. Whisper
  8. Making my father's cremation and burial at sea plans the last couple of days has been beyond hard. I wanted to help and asked to take this burden from my aunt. My father and other family lives in California and I am in Texas. I can't do much and I hate it. This aunt is his caregiver because of that. It was worse than I thought it would be. I have just been nauseated and sad. I know it's not SA-related although my father was abusive in every other way in my childhood. But I have tried to have a relationship in latter years and I do love him. It's bleeding into everything else. I feel like 36 is too young to lose a parent...and it hurts so much. 

    1. Show previous comments  13 more
    2. Whisper

      Whisper

      I'm sorry you are hurting, Amy. Sitting with you. :comfort:

    3. Silentnomore5

      Silentnomore5

      Hugs  if ok we are all here for u always

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  9. I’m sorry for being MIA lately. With the anniversary dates, falling on thanksgiving day no less, and the appeal possibly expiring or moving forward at the same time, I haven’t been much good to anyone, even myself. I just want you all to know how special you are to me and that I’m comitted and grateful for AS. 

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. MzKeys75

      MzKeys75

      Glad you’re feeling better. (((Hugs)))

    3. Iheartcupcakes
    4. lexip

      lexip

      You have so much going on take care of yourself right now ❤️

  10. Appeal deadline is supposedly the 17th, which is a weekend so I guess it is the 19th. Five more days. Nothing has been done in a year. A year ago today, the court reporter finished compiling the transcript for the defense. They picked it up on 12/6/17 and that was it. I am afraid they will blindside me again like they did continually during the course of the hearings and fight to get to trial. I hope and pray it comes and goes without incident and that this will be truly over. I am going to email the prosecutor on 11/19 and ask if it is over. 

    1. Show previous comments  10 more
    2. HiddenHeart

      HiddenHeart

      Thinking of you tonight & hoping yesterday passed without anything being filed. 

    3. Hoping8

      Hoping8

      Echoing @HiddenHeart.  I am thinking of you.

    4. Whisper

      Whisper

      Still thinking of you through your anniversary days. Sending strength.

  11. Too much pain. Too much sadness. Too much heartbreak. Too much everything. 

    1. Show previous comments  8 more
    2. Hoping8

      Hoping8

      I am so sorry.  I will hold some of it with you.  I wish I could do more, but I am sending you love and peace, and feeling some of the sorrow with you.  There there, there there....

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you :throb: I have a new foster dog and has added some love and sunshine. I am just exhausted. 

    4. Ian37

      Ian37

      Amy, just remember that exhaustion means you are still moving. Even when it may not always seem this way. Nor be nearly quick enough.

      :luck:

  12. Has anyone ever tried Pristiq for the treatment of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)?

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. BraveOne

      BraveOne

      @Iheartcupcakes... I was on wellbutrin for about 2 weeks had a major issue in which I became super paranoid over everything... The dr took me off of it and told me never to try it again.

    3. Whisper

      Whisper

      I don't have any experience with Pristiq, but I'm sitting with you. You've come a long way in the last 3 years and have so many great things ahead of you. :console:

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you all. I’m feeling better. 

      @Whisper thank you so much. I needed to hear that. 

  13. Kavanaugh this, Kavanaugh that. I am so tired. I feel horrible, just like I did when Trump was elected. This has really, really affected me, like it has a lot of survivors. I wasn't really expecting that. People around me support him. I think some are so blind to politics that they can't even consider that Dr. Ford is telling the truth. I am frustrated, sad, nauseated, discouraged, angry, and isolated. I was in the grocery store after work yesterday and I felt myself losing control over the littlest things. I went home and tried to do some self-care. I am trying to stay away from it today but that is not easy. 

    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Whisper thank you so much for those encouraging words. I really needed them. I know it hits home for you, too :throb:

    3. Whisper

      Whisper

      The part that I am having the most trouble with is all the girls at the schools where Ford lived who didn't talk to each other. Although I wondered whether my attacker went on to abuse others, I somehow never imagined that he abused other girls at my HS or that other girls had similar experiences there. Now I wonder how many girls I knew were also assaulted. With everything I know about SA, I still always imagine that it was only me.

      Also, my attacker became a lawyer (not criminal law -- thank God he didn't become a criminal defense attorney) and had his own law firm. But his firm has disappeared and he didn't register and pay his registration fee to the state bar when it was last due. The address listed in his attorney registration record isn't where his firm was -- it's an apartment that used to be listed in his mother's name, but maybe a couple of years ago, I saw that the apartment was sold. He has stayed clear of social media and there is very little trace of him on the internet. So now I'm wondering whether he's in some kind of trouble. I am upset enough that he became a lawyer. I can't imagine how I would cope with him being a judge and, especially, a Supreme Court Justice. 

      I don't know whether Kavanaugh is going to be confirmed -- I was pretty confident that he wouldn't be when I thought the FBI was doing a full investigation. Now that it appears the investigation was a sham, I'm not sure what is going to happen.  However, Sen Merkley filed a lawsuit to compel the WH to produce all of the docs they are hiding and made a motion for temporary restraining order to stop the vote while the case is pending. I think it is unlikely that he will win the case, but it's the same DC judge that had Manafort's case and I'm hoping she'll grant the TRO. Even delaying could help. Regardless, Kavanaugh is very dirty and I believe that, if he is confirmed, then after Mueller really acts and the truth about Trump et al comes out in full force, he will be impeached or he will resign (after being indicted).

      I know this is hard -- it's like we're being punched in the face and spit on repeatedly every day --  but hang on because we're not at the end yet. I just hope, hope, hope that women are going to vote this time and get rid of a lot of Republicans. They aren't a political party anymore, they are a bunch of criminals (the people in office, not the people voting for them). The Dems need to be cleaned up too, but first we have to get the Reps out of power. 

      When you have time, take a break from the depressing news and read these articles suggesting that women are going to vote and change things:  https://www.npr.org/2018/09/24/650447848/the-womens-wave-backlash-to-trump-persists-reshaping-politics-in-2018 and https://www.thecut.com/2018/09/rebecca-traister-good-and-mad-book-excerpt.html

       

    4. Whisper

      Whisper

      Update: I'm reading that McConnell doesn't have the votes. :crossfingers::crossfingers::crossfingers:  Ben Sasse gave a speech in which he said that he told Trump to pick a woman instead of Kavanaugh (a woman who wants to overturn R v W, but not a criminal who would protect him), partly because they were not equipped to deal with SA allegations that might surface. He has friends who were raped and understands the hell this causes. But OMG, is he admitting that they knew about Kav's past in advance? I know they did, but he's admitting it???? Anyway, he says things and then votes as he's supposed to, so I don't trust him to vote no. But maybe a group of Senators are going to tell McConnell that they will vote no, so he won't take a vote. https://www.omaha.com/news/politics/in-emotional-speech-ben-sasse-says-he-told-trump-to/article_537dc762-1cb2-5378-9cd5-b0507e0b1cf2.html

  14. I should probably take a break from Facebook. If I don't, I may need bail money. 

     

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      @Iheartcupcakes, Facebook literally causes nothing but trouble, was probably the worst thing to ever exist on the internet too.

      safe hugs :hug: if ok?

    3. Iheartcupcakes
    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Yw safe hugs :hug:if ok?

       

  15. Today is The Monster's birthday. He turned 24. 24. That hurts me so badly. So young....and he threw his life away. I remember him as he was before he hurt me, and I am just so sad today. It makes me sick. So many conflicting emotions....I could cry-for my pain, and for his foolishness and wasting his life. I am not livid and cursing the day like I have in the past. I am grieving. A friend said that was progress. I hope so....

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you, @Free2Fly

      @Capulet I appreciate that so much. I guess it's a good thing that work is crazy busy this week with homecoming tomorrow. 

    3. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Your welcome , safe hugs :hug: if ok?

    4. GaleH

      GaleH

      Mild tw

      I've heard in a sa recovery book on tape type of thing that, this person didn't feel as bad on their parents anniversary as much as her dads birthday. I think her parents or dad abused her. And the they were saying that the birthday is worse because it is the day they were born. If they were never born then they wouldn't have to go through the abuse. Or, their birth represents your abuse. So it would understandably be a tough trigger safe hugs 

  16. So hard to get out of bed the past few days. All I want to do is sleep and cuddle with my dogs. That's it. I don't want to work; I don't have the brain power. I don't want to talk to people; they can't make me better. Sleep does...unless I have more nightmares. Just feeling so very drained...

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      im sorry it's given up on you too, I can truely relate I'm far from the healthiest person on the planet right now...

      plus ive been having issues with meds cause the country has changed the rules so now I can't get them and I need them cause I have a vitamin d deficiency meaning I'm always aching & weak.

      i mean while I can get it from the sun the weather has been terrible here.

      hope you feel better soon though :) .

    3. Ian37

      Ian37

      Amy, change of any kind actually makes me very anxious. Even if it may be for the best. This is a lot of what I am likely experiencing right now. I just need to embrace change more I'm thinking and also flexibility in general. Just not easy when one is rather rigid in certain things like me.

      That is nice you get a little break during lunch at least. No way I can go home being my school is 30 minutes or so from my house. 

      :luck:

       

    4. lexip

      lexip

      seriously did I write this?? I hear you, healing is so hard I have been having a rough just getting through the day it was a relief today to actually be "sick" because I knew I had a legit reason to stay home all day and sleep! that sounds SO messed up doesn't it, here for you,  hang in there amy!

  17. With the onset of fall, my PTSD symptoms are worsening. I am just sad. I guess I am remembering more often. I have noticed more nightmares and irrational dreams. Just trying to carry on even though I am depressed and exhausted. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thanks, @Capulet. It used to be my favorite. I am so angry that he took that, too. 

    3. lexip

      lexip

      I feel the fall is contributing to my latest ptsd flare up too as well as constantly being near the centre of town for work hang in there I no this time of year is not easy for u

    4. Iheartcupcakes
  18. Saw a meme that captures my life right now...

    "My life is like a Taylor Swift song....

    I go on too many dates, but I can't make them stay."

    :laugh3:

    1. Capulet

      Capulet

      :throb: 

      The one who stays will be the one that's worth your affections. 

    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you, friend. I know you understand what I am talking about. I appreciate that so much. 

  19. Just know that if you are here to do AS or any of my friends here harm, I will come for you. 

    That is all :throb:

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Capulet

      Capulet

      And I will 100 percent be right behind you, @Iheartcupcakes.  

      :throb:

    3. Kmkz

      Kmkz

       Backing you up

    4. Ian37

      Ian37

      What exactly is going on, Amy? Is everything okay?

      :luck:

  20. The Monster earned his GED in prison last month. Without thinking, my first reaction was positive. POSITIVE. I thought, "Oh that's wonderful! I am so prou-" When I realized the word proud was coming I stopped short. I realized it wasn't Vasquez that I was thinking of. He is gone. The sweet kid I taught and loved is gone. He is now The Monster and I was sick to my stomach. How on earth could I forget? Even for a second?? Why would my mind EVER remember who he used to be before he terrorized and tore my life to shreds? 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Ian37

      Ian37

      Amy, he can earn his Ph. D. going forward. Still not going to change a single thing he did to you. Nor that his dark and sorry self is bound to rot in prison without ever again seeing the light of day.

      :luck:

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @EmptyInside Yes....thank you. It was a moment like that...just for a split second, I remembered the person he used to be. In case you don't know my story, I will just say that I am 12 years older than him. I taught him in church school and I loved him like a nephew. He did things with my now ex-husband and I, our church was like family, etc. He grew up, went the wrong way, and then came back into my life as an adult with a sick obsession that I had no clue of. He was 21 and I was 33 when he attacked me in my home with a gun and committed several felonies. I think you are right and thank you so much...my heart just wanted it to not be true...wanted to have compassion and wanted what I have always wanted...for him to succeed and not be like his family. I am still heartbroken not only over the horrific things he did but that it was HIM. 

    4. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      @Capulet once again you have helped me :throb: Thank you. I will learn to see it like that instead of beating myself up as some kind of crazy person. Thank you so, so much for your words. I needed to hear them. 

      @Ian37 Thank you, friend. You're so right. 

      @Hawkgirl Yes...you're exactly right. Had he not been my monster, I would have been overjoyed and so proud of his success. I think I want desperately to be, but I can't because of what he did...I can't forget it. And I know I shouldn't. It's just so hard. Thank you so much for your kind words. 

  21. My friend!!!!! :throb:

    1. aftersilence1

      aftersilence1

      I missed you, @Iheartcupcakes! It's good to be back. :hug:

    2. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Same!!! I'm sorry I am such an awful keeper-in-toucher, lol. 

  22. I am counting getting out of bed today as a major victory. I just wanted to stay home where people cannot attack me. I forced myself to go to work which was no easy feat. An article came out in a magazine this weekend for which I interviewed. I will post it. I got great feedback but of course you have to deal with the usual ignorance, too. Things like this always drain me and I don't know why. There were some issues with people on Facebook and I am just feeling too vulnerable right now. I feel like I just need to hide away at home and avoid people, even online. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. ActivistAlly
    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you all for the hugs and support. I think I need April to be over. 

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Couldn't agree more I hate this month. :hug: 

  23. Sad. Had a guy pursuing me that I thought was a good one. I took a chance and opened up to him, which I said I would never do again. But he just played with me. And he knows what happened. I feel more alone than ever right now. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Capulet

      Capulet

      I'm so sorry friend.  Am here if you ever need to vent!!! 

       

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you, @Brooklyn24 I appreciate that!

      @Free2Fly I will be. 

      @Capulet Thank you so much. I meant to tell you that I deleted him and feel like crap now. 

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

  24. I was asked to speak to Arkansas State University at their main campus this week. I have already been to Southern Arkansas University and Texas A&M - Texarkana. I am happy that professors care about educating their students on how to relate to victims. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      I am also glad they care about educating their students, but I am also proud at how much of an advocate you have become. I know for certain that you will do great. :up: 

    3. snmls

      snmls

      This is so great to hear.  Not only am I so inspired by you but it also makes me so happy to see that Universities are putting forth an effort to educate students on this topic. 

    4. StrugglingMama

      StrugglingMama

      ROCKSTAR. I'm gonna need your autograph soon! :throb:

  25. His aunt was at the bank again. I was sitting on the couch waiting on the tellers to complete my deposits. I saw her across the way out of the corner of my eye. I was looking at my phone, so I just continued to do so. I didn't even acknowledge her, although I started to feel sick. I thought she would see me and leave, but she didn't. She pushed her janitor cart all the way across the lobby and walked right in front of me. I could see her continually glancing at me. I never spared her one. I kept texting, and the feeling of fear and helplessness went away. I thought, i don't have to be nice to her anymore. I don't have to be civil. If she addresses me, she'll wish she hadn't. And I felt completely different. Free and capable. Seeing his family is still repulsive, and a gut punch, but it was better. I put a look on my face that said, "Try me, b**ch." She kept walking and disappeared into the bathroom and I didn't see her again. 

    1. Kmkz

      Kmkz

      Your strength and determination is amazing. So happy for you that you didn't let her get to you and the feelings caused by his family are improving.

    2. Ian37

      Ian37

      Amy, this is just getting to be absolutely ridiculous. I am so sorry that these wastes of space continue trying to confront you. Good for you for not engaging in what she was trying to start. You do not owe her nor anyone else anything at all. Life is simply way too short to go out of your way being nice to those who are always disrespectful who'll go to any lengths just to start some trouble.

      :luck:

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      Thank you @Kmkz. I appreciate that so much. I think it just hit me that I can be a b**ch to her and that's okay. I am always so focused on being nice, not making a scene, keeping the peace, etc. I was just like, you know what?? NO. I don't HAVE to be nice to her! It was really freeing. 

      @Ian37 It is. She had better stay away. I will continue to simply ignore her as long as she doesn't actively try to speak to me again. 

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