Last year at the start of my college experience I was raped. The only people that know are my boyfriend and therapist. I hate talking about it. I am scared to tell anyone. I let this happen to myself a second time. The first time was just sexual assault not as bad a rape. But I let it happen again. I'm letting it affect me again. I am mad at myself because I trusted some guy and didn't trust my gut. I didn't feel safe talking to my parents and asking them to pick me up. I was in his room scared. I don't know why I let this happen to myself. This past month in March, I am officially three years self-harm free. Right after I was raped I wanted to kill myself but didn't. I'm happy I didn't. But I keep asking myself this why question. For the past year I have been suppressing these feelings, but BAM like a wall. Memories and triggers started happening. I got one intense trigger and it triggered emotions. I'm happy one minute, sad the next, and most of all frustrated when I'm not distracted because I just want answers. That is all that I want. I want to confront him, but I'm scared of seeing his face. UGH! I am sorry but this was my rant. I am just so damn frustrated and its affecting my relationship with my parents, sibling, boyfriend. What also have been upsetting me is thinking about the abuse I have been through with past guys. I am just upset. I'm sorry...
Why did I let it happen again?
Why did he do it?
Why did the other guy do it?
Why is this affecting me?
Why can't I just forget?
Why do I have to accept that this has happened?
What did I do to deserve this?
I don't know if anyone actually read my blog entries. But I have returned for the first time in a year or two.... what has my life been like.... well the super amazing guy I would write about ended up being abusive and the relationship ended thankfully. But after him, I was SA again. Not by my ex but by a guy who I thought was a good guy. We got a little too drunk (at least I did) and he did not listen to the word no. This was a week after I started college. Luckily this guy did not go to my college but... it was a bad way to start off the school year. After that incident I would drink Friday and Saturday nights in order to forget the incident and to be free from my mind....that plan was a bad one... I ended up stopping that habit two months after because I learned it was unhealthy. Luckily I do not have as bad as flashbacks anymore and I'm learning day by day how to deal with it. I also learned what was causing my seasonal depression. A very low vitamin D deficiency. This is a year, after I was raped I now am suffering more from dealing with the guilt of the assault and with depression on top of school work.
I have been feeling so alone, no one else in my life understands what am I going through, I am scared to tell my therapist. I just feel alone......just me against my own thoughts trying to battle them by myself and I normally do an amazing job at battling the feelings but there are times when I just feel alone, like I'm drowning and there are too many thoughts happening at once that I slowly sink lower and lower till it all the way at the bottom with no way to get up. and I have to try and swim myself back up but its a struggle. I don't know if I'm going to make this blog a regular thing or not.
But if anyone feels the same way, leave a comment or message me and let me know how you cope with depression feelings and if you ever feel alone.
Why would this happen to me? Do I seem to br strong? Did I seem weak? Was I just a person that you thought you could use scar and toss away like garbage?
you made me this
at fifteen you made me this
you were 20
shouldnt you have known better
no you didnt
because you ignored me pushing you hand away
you ignored me saying no
you ignored me telling over and over I didnt want to sit in your lap
You ignored me when I said I dont want to kiss
You ignored me when I told you I wanted my phone
your the reason
your the reason that I was labeled
but now I created a new lable
I survied you
I survive the memories that you dont have
I survive the nightmears that keep me awake at night
I survive people telling me that it was my fault
I survuved the bystanders watching and doing nothing
I survived you
But I will never forgive you
for giveing me a lable
My friend got a message on her phone from this guy she use to talk to saying that he was going to beat her up and rape her. Like WTF?!!??!?!? she did nothing to him but stop talking to him. She went to someone at the school and they told her to forget about it because it was basically an empty threat. but seriously?!?!?!?! that set me off I was so angry and triggered because I was in a similar siutation. UGH
I have also been externly triggered by thirteen reasons why because of the rape scenes in it. Was anyone else triggered by it? I was it was so graphic and the way that they showed her flashbacks made me realize that is how I feel. Also I was doing so well and then I got stress and anxious and started to over think and bringing him into my head worried about if I was going to see him at a retreat I went to last weekend. I 6 panic attacks in a day because I was so nervous. It was crazy. I hated it. I hate being like that. I hate all of this. The reminders in my day to day activities. Now I want to make this very very clear I am not at all suicideal. I would never do that. But I honestly just want it all to end. I dont want to have nightmears. I dont want to wake up in the middle of the night. I dont want to fear of going places. I hate this,... why does stuff like this have to be so traumatic and why cant they just make a medicine to make everything go away. to forget it. to not have fears. So i could finally live my life normal again. If anyone out there has it or wants to do a clinical trial for it. Im down as long as you promise It will make all the memorys go away of that one night. The night that I will always remeber.
Today I worked up the courage to tell my therapist about my harassment and after I told her my story she told me it was actually assault. I always knew it was assault but someone telling me that it was assault made it real again. It triggered me and I went to my boyfriends home and cried into his arms. I got better after he told that I was not a w**re or a sl*t and that what happened was not my fault. He really is the best at making my bad days better. I wish there was a medicine that could just make the memories, flashbacks, and trauma all just go away. I want to stop the flashback and mentally I have been getting better thanks to my boyfriend but there is still that piece that is left unsolved. My therapist is not EMDR certified so we are going to try different types of therapy and coping skills for when I have bad day like today. I hope it doesnt get too draining on me and I wont be this upset every week after therapy. Why does he get to live his life freely..Why does my assaulter get to walk around without any memory of me and know how much he hurt me and how much damage he has done to me. Why did he do what he did after I said no and stop... in what world does yes mean no and stop means please continue touching me because that type of world I dont want to live with. I am still having a bad day and I had to leave my boyfriends house. I want to just fall apart sometimes but I know I cant let what happens ruin my life.... If anyone has ever listened or not listened to the Lady Gaga song "till it happens to you" or whatever the title is you should it is about her being sexually assulted and how no one really knows how it feels till it happens to them. Which I think is true no one really knows the flashbacks or the feeling of not being touched by a loved ones, If anyone has anything insperational or anything that may help me learn to cope right now I would appreciate it. Have a good night the people of after silence
Also I was thinking about getting a loutus flower tatooed to my ankle that way I will always know that I am in recovery and that what happens to me doesnt define me. What do you guys think about that?
You know who you are. You may not know what you did to me and the effect that you have had on me but I wanted to tell you I hate your guts. For the first six months after the assault, I couldn't be touched by anyone, family, friends, people I liked. Because of you. For the past two years, I have had nightmares of your face and about the event that happened. I fear every day of seeing you in case you try to do something again. You made me a statistic at only 15 years old. Most people at 15 may be getting their first boyfriend or have their first kiss. I did one of those things and it was my first kiss well kinda because you forced it onto me. I never wanted to kiss you, I never wanted you to touch me. I hope that you learn what the word no means. You make me fear going new places because I am afraid that you will be there. You make me afraid to have my back turned to anyone and not to check my surroundings every so often just to make sure that you are not there. You make me fear to go to my favorite coffee shop because every time I see your face the memories come back and the flashbacks are there. I now hate going to school because of what happened there. You have been a pain in the butt for two years and I am done being afraid of you, I am done fearing your name, your face, and seeing you. I hope you are grateful that I never told the cops or anyone else about what happened that night. I know you will never get this but I did want to thank you for one thing. Teaching me that I'm stronger than ever. Not a lot of people know the pain of hiding this secret and going through the flashbacks and the memories and the fears that come with it. I know they may not go away for every but they are not what make me, me. I am a survivor because of you and I refuse to be a victim anymore. You are done controlling my life with the fears, flashbacks, memories, and being paranoid about everything. You will never know the pain and suffering I have been through because of you but I hope you have a great life and thanks for making me stronger.
The survivor of the assault.
I felt like the worst person in the world yesterday. I went with my boyfriend and his sister to the city (Chicago) and as we were driving I started getting paranoid. Whenever I go to someplace new or someplace where I know there will be a lot of people I start to look around. I try to see every single person so I am aware of my surroundings which is good but I also make sure the guy that SA me isn't there. If he was there I would just go home because I don't like to see him or be anywhere near him. Luckily he wasn't there but I was having a little freak out session in the back seat by myself. It was the worst thing ever.
I've thought about talking to my T about this because I'm tires of having bad days and being anxious going anywhere. I don't like to eat in restaurants because I don't want to run into him. I also like to sit in a place where I know no one can get behind me because I don't want someone to have the ability to grab me from behind. I'm very paranoid about seeing him and I don't get why my mind just can't forget what happened to me. What do you guys do? Are you on medication? Do you go to a therapist?
Sorry for not posting in a while I have had a lot of school work and work happening all at the same time.
I have not talked to a therapist yet about this because I am still kinda scared to admit to someone I know could possibly tell my parents or get the police involved in the situation. I have been having a lot of bad days. During the 3 months of summer, I had three bad days. During the school year where I am back where my sexual harassment happened it seems like every day there is something that triggers me and I am back to how I was last year and how I was when it first started. I have flashbacks of how could I have stopped this from happening to me or just the event repeating over and over in my head. I have also been having trouble with my boyfriend's family because of this. I got use to my boyfriend touching me but his mom came up on a day that I was having a bad day and she started rubbing my back and touching me. I was not comfortable with this. I did not want to seem mean and tell her to stop and I do not know if I should tell his mom and dad about what happened just so they are aware of what is happening if I say don't touch me.
What do you guys think? Should I tell his parents or try to learn and deal with it? What is a good way to bring it up to his parents if I do tell them? How do you deal with flashbacks and being in the place that it happened?
Today is Labor Day and it started out like any other day. I got up, got dressed and thought that today was going to be a good day because I was going to my friend's church picnic and then having dinner and maybe even getting to see my boyfriend. The friend that I went to the picnic with does not know I was sexually harassed by our mutual guy friend but I think she assumes that because of how I feel about him something was up. My friend picked me up and we went to the picnic. She then asked me if I wanted to go get coffee and talk inside the coffee shop because it was colder and there would be no bees in there. I had to be home early so we just decided to drive thru and I know the person who sexually harassed me works there but it was my coffee place first and that he should be the one that has to leave not me. I have never reported him because I do not want ruin his life even though he has ruined mine. So we go thru the drive thru and we see him sitting in his car before he goes to work. My friend flipped him off and it has now caused me to keep thinking about it. I told my boyfriend that I saw him and all that he said is that I need to find a new coffee place to go to. I then had to explain to him that it was the closest coffee shop and I started going to it before he even worked there. I have been able to be distracted by my family all night from thinking about it. But now at night as my mind starts to wonder it causes me to have flashbacks and upset about the whole situation.
My boyfriend also thinks that I should confront him about what to do but I have only talked to him in person once after the incident and told him never to talk to me again.
if anyone has any suggestion on what to do when I do see him and if I should confront him about what he did I would appreciate the help.
Hope everyone has a great rest of the night/day.
So I want to give anyone who has decided to read my blog a little insight on what happened to me and the after effects that I faced because of my sexual harassment. When I was 15 years old I went to a school dance. I had a "friend" who came up to me and asked me if he could join my group and I said yes because we all went stag and I figured he could join us since his date ditched him. So as the dance started to happen he kept trying to undress and I told him he needed to keep his clothes on. As the night went on I told him I did not want to grind and yet he kept grinding on me. I told him to stop touching my butt and yet he kept grabbing my butt. If I wanted to sit down I had to sit in his lap and he would pull me from the chair to his lap. Before I left for the night he asked me to kiss him and I said no. He then took my phone and stuck it in his pants and told me that I either had to kiss him or reach into his pants and get his phone out. I did not want to reach my phone into his pants and I did not want to kiss him. I asked him to give me my phone back but he still refused and he ended up kissing me. But he told me I had to give him a proper kiss (which at the time I did not really know what a proper kiss was). I went home and tried to forget about it. I tried to forget about the night and everything that had happened. I eventually started having flashbacks. I could not go to my school's gym without the thought of everything that had happened there going through my mind. After the incident, I saw him and he asked for a hug. I then told him to stay away from me and to never come near me again. I have thought about what could I have done differently. How I could have stopped it from happening. I could not be touched for almost six months after the incident and sometimes even now almost two years later if I am having a bad day I can not be touched. I have only told two people about what happened. One was a close friend and the other one is my boyfriend. I struggle with telling people when I am having a bad day because I have not told my parents and it's hard to talk about. I have been wanting to tell my therapist but I have been afraid of what she may have to do (tell my parents or get the police involved). I have looked into different ways of coping with it but none of them have really worked. I do not know exactly what my triggers are or how to stop them from coming.
I hope that if any of you have anything that I could try I would appreciate it. I will also try and post some of the coping skills I have tried in future posts. I hope all of you have a fabulous day.
So I decided to start a blog just to see what its like. I also want to give and get advice from other people on what goes on in the aftermath of any type of sexual/domestic violence or abuse. I also want to share my journey of where I have come and how I deal with bad days and how I enjoy my good days. I have been on After Silence for a few months and I want to try and help others who struggle with the after effects of whatever happened to them. I have found support from other survivors and I want to get help and help those who struggle too.