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JBC13

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About JBC13

  • Birthday 08/13/1990

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    NJ
  • Interests
    Photography, Animation, Videography, UFC

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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    Jenna Blakeley

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  1. I thought once my mom went to therapy with me everything would get easier. She would be able to understand where I am coming from and how I feel. But honestly since she came in it has only gotten harder on me and not because of her. Now instead of constantly having anxiety and panic attacks due to my parents or drama going around in my family. Now I deal with having to face what happened to me and on top of that a whole other bunch of legal matters from a separate issue that made me worse. I feel like I went backwards, I feel hopeless, I feel alone. I just wish there was a way I could shut my feelings down completely. Not care what anyone says, thinks etc. I wish I didnt let situations in past, present and people affect my emotions so much. I wish I had more control over how I feel but instead I feel like I have no control over my own life yet alone my feelings. I pushed my friends away because I am too afraid to socialize and would much be more comfortable at home but yet I get depressed being home all the time. I get anxious over work and money etc. Yet I am too depressed to get anything ever done. I feel like I play a constant tug of war with myself on a daily basis. I recently started xanax and well its showed me that its not normal to feel the way I do and that I can feel normal. But my therapist says thats not an everyday medicine and if I need it everyday I need to go on something more permanent for the time being. But I have tried so many medicines that just make me feel like im essentially paralyzed. I just want to be myself, whoever I am and I just want to not feel the pain and sickness of anxiety and PTSD anymore. I hate that I cant relate to any of my friends or family. I hate that it kills me to talk to people because I feel at a loss for words. I hate that as much as I need you as a friend or family in my life I constantly push you away because your a trigger of my anxiety. It hurts me to even think that my family can be a trigger for me. That I cant sleep over their house because it makes me so anxious and I dont sleep at night and it kills me that even just going over there or seeing them makes me anxious of what are they going to say, what will they have planned to do. etc. Its like my mind cant ever shut off and it always brings me to the worst possible scenario. It sucks living like this and I just dont see a light at the end of the tunnel and it scares me to feel this way. I know I don't go on here as nearly as I should be and its nice to have you guys to talk to but its still lonely in my circle.
  2. @stagnes I completely agree with you. Maybe someday
  3. @stagnes it is definitly an everyday struggle. And I think for me I can clearly see how things should be but its also hard implementing it into your lives. And its also hard when emotions are so high. I think one of the biggest struggles in controlling my emotions. When I get emotional its like I went from 0-10 in a second. Its so quick that I cant even control my emotions or even understand them and I am sure from an outsiders perspective like my fiance who tries to understand me the best even struggles to help or to calm me down. I know I have a lot of work on myself. I want to be able to get to that point to be able to help others but I think I have a long way to go. And I hope that when I have kids I can be open and honest with them to make sure I can protect them and they can protect themselves. My parents were good parents but I think their mistake was maybe not talking to us about the dangers. I never had the sex talk but for me that wasn't a problem I grew up very religious and I had values that basically I didn't want to have sex until I found someone I loved. That was also because my parents only ever dated each other and me being a hopeless romantic loved the idea of only being with one person ever. But I think they should have educated me on drinking protecting myself. Because I grew up in a small wealthy town with over privileged kids and nothing ever happened that was bad. The worst thing is like getting caught smoking a joint or underaged drinking. And parents frankly turned a blind eye to. Now I wasn't a bad kid but going from a small "bubble" town to college is a huge jump. I never saw so many drugs in my life until college. Ambulances everywhere and it never occurred to me that someone would drug a drink. I was raised in a safe town where I wasn't taught to really think about these things. And I have no clue about the good or the bad of my parents childhood/teenage years. Now I am not blaming them. That is me not blaming them but hoping that maybe if I raise my kids and I am honest to them maybe I can teach them that you cant go through life thinking it wont happen to you and to be more cautious of their surroundings. And maybe I can even teach them how to be there for someone that has gone through a traumatic experience. The other thing that bothers me is the negative feedback people receive when saying they are sexually assaulted. Its almost normal for someone to question the victim and to be like well you must have egged them on or w/e. Or even for someone to be like well it happened x amount of years ago, you should be over it by now. Just because it happened x amount of years ago doesn't mean they healed or even started their healing process. It will be something we carry always. I met a girl that told me she was sexually assaulted (she didn't know about me) but she has a drinking problem that resulted from it because she never got help to actually face what happened to her. Unfortunately her boyfriend doesn't see that and only sees the drinking. He feels it happened so long ago that its not an excuse. People don't get it until it happens to them. Its unfortunate.
  4. JBC13

    Intro/Relapse...

    @Unsteady0915 I am so sorry that happened to you. You are truly not a lone. I know it really hard. Did you ever tell your husband? Did it ever get reported? I am really sorry that you are living in fear. I completely understand how you feel. I am also going through recovery and this is my first year of therapy. Have you tried a different therapist? I have been through 3 and finally the third is a charm and hopefully it helps me heal. Just stay positive, with progress do come set backs. We all experience it but you just need to be determined to not live in fear. You deserve to live your life and don't let bad people ruin your life. I am truly sorry happened to you and I am always hear if you need to talk, please feel free to direct message me whenever you want!
  5. Thank you @stagnes and yeah he does unfortunately it seems that he tells his mom everything. Even about my therapy so it seems now that the one person I thought I could trust, feels like I cant trust him now. I saw that he was texting about me and his mom was telling him things that I told her privately. She was telling him everything and of course giving her opinion on everything I do or say etc. And it seems like your a great mom to notice that you had to make changes to protect and raise your children. As hard as recovery is, I can at least say that with therapy we might even be or become better then someone that didn't go through what we did. What we went through is forcing us to fight through battles and to realize that we might now be able to change someone else but we can chance how we approach things. And I think on a normal basis people believe others have to change for them. I am not saying I am ok with what happened to me. But my therapist says we have to accept it and not let it define us. I agree but I also do notice that it fucked me up from who I was and I think that hopefully with continuing therapy I wont be the same person but I know I'm more compassionate now and I also watch what I say and my actions a lot more in order to avoid triggers. And obviously through therapy my therapist is helping me communicate more effectively.
  6. Thank you @stagnes. I agree with you and that is what my therapist is trying to teach me to do. However I find it very hard because I have a sense of guilt. Almost like I need their love. My therapist says that basically want happened was when you go to college that is your first sense of independence. And I started to become independent a bit but then retreated when it happened because when something bad happens mom and dad are supposed to protect you. So she said its normal but we need to break it. For example I call my parents every day. If i dont call them I feel guilt. What if they get upset at me? Also just hearing my moms voice would confirm everything is ok , they still love me. As I write this I know it sounds so backwards. Like I am a child again because essentially I am. I decided to go to a party and that decision made me feel like I can make decisions for myself. It makes it really hard to not feel that guilt. I am trying and now I am able to go 2 days lol without calling my parents. Hopefully they will understand and hopefully it will get easier for me. It also does not make it easy when your trying to move out of your fiances parents house. They are nice people but sometimes the mom can be bitchy. Not always necessarily to my face but to my fiance about me. She of course is very protective of her kids. But her daughter (my fiances younger sister who is older then me but EXTREMELY immature) she is ruthless. My fiance warned me not to be friends with her, but of course since family is important to me I wanted to get close to her. Long story short shes one of those people that will make your life miserable if she doesn't get her way. And turns out she doesnt like that one I am engaged and she doesnt even have a bf. Two Im in her home and hanging out with her mom or whatever it is that she just gets jealous of not being the only girl anymore. I can't even tell you all the things she has done to me! I had a panic attack while we were away because I need like my own space to retreat to and decompress (she knows I have anxiety/PTSD and what happened) also I don't even sleep with my fiance because I hate the sound of hearing anothers breath... it likes bring me back to that time being in darkness trapped. So she came in moved my air mattress and everything so she can sleep there and her mom made her move because I was having a panic attack. Mind you I didnt ask her to move I just couldnt control my attack and wanted to leave, I felt trapped (we were in the woods in a cabin). So long story short I tried to talk to her once I was calm but she basically slammed the door in my face and told me she had no time to talk to me. And then she decided to say shit as she would pass me under her breath and like bang into me or slam doors in my face. Then her new thing is if we go on a double date she likes to make fun of me. Like litterally told one of the guys she was on a date with that my fiance and I dont sleep together. Which is none of her business or anyones and also its something I am insecure about. OBVIOUSLY I want to sleep with him and were going to therapy so hopefully by the time were married we can! I just don't know how to deal with people that I have to see on a daily basis. I told my fiance we need to get out ASAP or I am going to break down. I feel like anything I work towards in my therapy just gets fucked by his family and mine.
  7. Haha wow you put that perfectly @Hawkgirl! My mom does the same thing fyi but normally I just give in because I know she would be like this is my TV lol. Thanks so much! I have a new therapist now and she gave me this new assignment like I have to write in my journal and I need to look at everything exactly how it is with no judging myself or anyone else. So for example I would be like ugh I'm such an awkward person maybe after hanging out with friends and feeling like convo and the time spent hanging out was awkward. So instead of calling me awkward and putting myself down, I have to ask myself why I feel that way. I feel that way because I couldn't connect through the conversation. Or I didn't feel comfortable enough to tell her how I really felt etc.
  8. Thank you so much @Hawkgirl that was really a great explanation! Thank you again so much! That really made sense and you are completely right. Its just hard implementing it and actually doing it because I just get anxious about it. I get anxious that I am making the wrong decision or that the person is mad that I didn't take their advice/suggestion etc.
  9. Thanks @LadyH and @Hawkgirl. @LadyH I think I will take you up on that offer. I just dont know how to PM on here lol. Im guilty of reading blogs and just writing in the blog section myself. I just turned 26 and am no longer on my parents insurance so now I cant go to my therapist because she doesn't take my new insurance. I havent been in like 2 weeks and I have been spiraling down some bad depression and anxiety. I need to find a new therapist ASAP. It sucks because like I hide my anxiety and PTSD pretty well. I mean I do keep to myself on a daily basis and am not in social situations often but when I am in them I am normal. I know who I was before all of this. And I want that so bad. Buts its like I cant stop my body and mind from the feelings I have. And I don't know how to get rid of them. Also @Hawkgirl I am the worst at doing what I think is right for me. My therapist says thats because thats myself blaming myself for what happened to me. And no longer trusting my decisions, I now rely on my loved ones. My fiance pushes me to make my own decision. He understands why I do that and he wants me and encourages me to decide things for myself.
  10. Thanks for sharing @LadyH and @violetiris1! I really wish I had people like you to talk to daily and hang out with. Its getting so stressful. I feel like my parents abuse my anxiety, even though they love me but they either A. don't try to understand or B. don't care because they want to just get what they want. Then with my future mother in-law and sister-in-law its like if I am depressed and need to be alone for a bit all of a sudden its "oh she is such a bit*h" etc. They like act nice to me but if I am quite or like want to be a lone in my room and don't socialize (which is maybe once a week... I LIVE WITH THEM!) then like automatically I must be mad at them. My future sister in law knows what has happened to me yet makes my life a living hell because she only cares about herself. She will literally say anything about me to make her look like an angel (SUPER IMMATURE and shes older then me) Then the mom will jump right on the band wagon and text my Fiance calling me names or questioning if he wants to marry me. Which is crazy cause she will be my best friend in person and wants to help plan the wedding and help us look for a house etc. But the second his sister says "Oh shes in her room and not hanging out with me" All of a sudden she texts my fiance complaining being rude. Then my poor fiance who deals with all this nonsense of my anxiety, my PTSD, my family, his family. He is my ROCK. But it truly scares me to death. He lives with Anxiety as well (ADHD) he can manage his for the most part where he also manages mine because I can't. But I am truly afraid that eventually he will get tired and run. I feel broken, its hard to live like this on an everyday struggle. I feel like I hide from my family or friends because I can't deal with the anxiety I know they will cause. And now that I have been going to therapy and hearing someone tell me that they are the ones causing my anxiety now makes me mad. You know its one thing about dreading change in routine or sleeping other places. But its a whole other ballgame when your own family try to push your buttons because they know you will just break down and give in cause the anxiety will eat you away and your forced to give them what they want to make them happy because thats the only way you know your anxiety will go away. For example. I had my Fiances 30th birthday planned like last winter. I was surprising him with a trip this september to Maine to visit his best friend he hasnt seen in 2 years. My parents knew for a while. They decided since they "talked" me out of having an engagement party that now the weekend of my engagement party we are going on a family trip. Then when I said ok to going they through on me that I would have to pay for our share of going. Now you might say ok no biggie, your 25 and 30 , your adults grow up. But we are living with his family for a reason. We don't have jobs because we took 2 years to start a business. Then we got engaged and apparently need to buy a house and live in it before we get married in 2018. SOOO now we have had pressure from our parents to get jobs, get a house, plan a big wedding because thats what they want even though its not on there dime (they are only giving some money to help). So my mom says make this trip his birthday trip and I said thats not what he wants though. The point was for us to have time a lone together and to enjoy ourselves together. So I told my mom I don't think we can swing it with the cash since ya know they are pressuring us to do all this stuff and were not making money... oh and in that same week I was so friggen anxious cause I had to lease a new car which meant a down payment and plus I broke my wrist so more dr. bills. So with my parents knowing how stressed I have been, when they hear me say I dont think I can. They then decide to flip out and hang up on me while I am crying on the phone. So then what do I do? I call them back and suck it up, cancel my fiances birthday trip and tell them sure whatever I can go. I am just so tired of this. I feel exhausted. I feel scared. I feel ALONE.
  11. Some things that make me anxious: social settings, clubs/bars/parties, people being mad at me or a change in their mood (I automatically assume they are mad at me), A change in my "Routine"/schedule, sleeping other places that is not my bed, Other people or animals (Anything that breathes) sleeping in my room. (I don't like hearing other people breathing when I am trying to sleep, I end up tossing and turning and not sleeping at all. Being anywhere alone (other then my room). I even get anxious being alone in the house by myself. And the biggest thing which is basically anything where I feel trapped. I need to know if I go to someones house or anywhere, I have my own way back and that I can leave when I want to. I have a problem with control. Like I need to have control and if I don't I just have a panic attack. I have PTSD..... What does that even mean! Well I know what it means but most people don't know what PTSD is, and quite frankly sometimes I am still trying to figure it out myself. I have flashbacks, trust issues, HORRIBLE ANXIETY, sleeping problems, fear, frequently feel guilt, etc. list goes on. I wrote a whole long blog but deleted it.... This is all I have to say...... I have ANXIETY & PTSD.... That doesn't mean you can abuse my anxieties to get what you want. It's time I do something for myself, and maybe one day you will love me just enough to understand I am not saying "NO" to be a bit*h, I am saying "NO" because I deserve to be happy.
  12. Thank you Survivor5430 and I am sorry for you went through as well. I know I haven't been on in a while and I should be on this more. Because talking to other people is a release. But at the same time it doesn't feel like reality. I wish that in my everyday life people could be more understanding. My parents get like annoyed with my Anxiety and they don't get it and often just think I'm being sensitive and they end up lashing out which just makes it worse for me. My friends well thats like non-existent , since I don't go out really they don't ask me to hang out. And now my Boyfriend and I are engaged so its hard. I feel like really the only person that comes close to understanding and helping me is my fiance. I wish I had someone like you or anyone that could understand and that I can speak to. Instead I feel like people judge every move I make. Whether they no I was R**** or not they judge, like other then that one time with my fiances sister I usually would only go out with him and friends since he makes me feel secure. And we usually go out maybe 3 times a year lol. And when we go out its like during the day I want to go out, then as it gets closer I want to back out. Then we get there and I have to just take shots because I hate the taste of alcohol but I need to feel like I can be social and not uptight. It just sucks. I was so outgoing and confident and now like I tell my therapist I don't know who I am anymore. Its a scary feeling and I feel alone going through it.
  13. I haven't wrote in a while and since I stopped writing my feelings I have been going down hill a bit. I have every reason to be happy in my life but to wake up and feel sad everyday and you don't know why is hard. A few weeks ago I made a huge step and I went out at night to a local bar/restaurant for drinks with a bunch of people from my gym and my boyfriends sister. This is a big step for me because I don't go out at all to bars or really any where social at night. And I especially never go anywhere without my boyfriend. He is the only one that can control and calm my anxiety and make me feel safe. I didn't do that bad and I hate drinking but in these situations I have to drink because other wise I am extremely socially awkward. Well it wasn't that bad until I came home and wished so badly my boyfriend wasn't away and already asleep. (He was away on a golf tournament) I stayed up all night anxious because I felt like i needed him to hold me and say Im proud of you and what you did was a good step towards healing. But instead I was awake sick to my stomach all night. I spoke with my Therapist about it and realized that is my guilt of blaming myself for what happened to me. I always knew or thought it wasn't my fault, I was drugged in my drink and I tried hard to stop him but what I blame myself for was going to the party in the first place. If I didn't go out, it would have never happened. I still don't know how to tell myself it wasn't my fault. Logically I am able to realize it wasn't my fault but my Anxiety is still there. There is a part of me that believes it was my fault. I have spent so long trying to pretend this never happened that I am afraid I damaged myself even more. With my PTSD I wake up sad and have days where I am depressed and feel like there is no reason for my to exist in this world. I don't have thoughts of hurting myself but I feel like all I am is a problem. My parents don't understand Anxiety as a disorder (they compare it to normal anxiety a person feels) and they never even tried reading up on PTSD. So when I try to tell them I am sad and its a part of my everyday struggle they just don't get it. My parents will tell me with my anxiety I just have to "shut it off" and its like dude you don't get it! I can't control it. And the worst is a panic attack, those are still so new to me that is scares me. Its weird thought too. I feel like I have so many emotions, like I feel sad or happy or all of those things. But when it comes to talking about what happened to me, I cant show my emotions to anyone. I cry to myself but I am completely emotionless when I speak to others. I feel broken. I feel like I don't know who I am. I am in the car by myself and I hear music and I want to be that old me. The fun, dancing and laughing old me... but I can't. I don't know where she is and if I will ever see her again. I hate who I am now. I used to be so confident in myself. And Im not anymore. It affects my relationship with my friends, my brother, my father, my mother, my boyfriend... everyone! I feel like I am the girl with a stick up her butt. Like I literally feel like I am boring and weird and not fun. I used to be able to relate to people and now I find myself un-relatable. Sometimes I wish I could hug my parents and be my old outgoing self.... but instead I feel like a stranger. And its not them, its me. I just wonder if it will every get better for me. Oh and to make matters worse my therapist is dropping my insurance, so all the work I have made with her is gone and now I have to start all over again. I should be happy in my life. My boyfriend is going to be proposing very soon and instead I wonder as much as I love him part of me is afraid . What is he can't put up with my everyday struggles. I experience, guilt, struggle, depression, anxiety, bad dreams, flashbacks, worrying, emotionless, etc the list goes on. I experience these things on a daily basis and I know it is already hard on him, even though he is amazing at dealing with it. But I was reading about PTSD and it says most people with PTSD are likely to get a divorce. What if thats me? I want to be with him the rest of my life but what if I don't get better and what if he gets tired of putting up with the bad days. Also a big thing is one we don't sleep in the same room. I like having my space and I don't like sleeping with someone because when I used to sleep with him I would have bad dreams and wake up crying. And the other big thing is sex, since I was a virgin when I was R*****, sex is not enjoyable to me. Like I could go months without sex or any of that. But he is like complete opposite. I will have sex with him but I literally just don't get pleasure from it. Like the quicker the better for me. And thats sad to me because I wish I could experience why others love it. And it also makes me sad because I don't want him feeling like I am not attracted to him or don't love him. I love him with all my heart, but I don't feel connection through sex at all. I thought that going to therapy would get rid of my anxiety and my PTSD but it won't I just have to learn to cope with it. Sometimes I wonder if my therapist is the right therapist too. How do you know when you have a good therapist? Its so stressful because other then deep breathing, I haven't learned any way to cope with it or control it. I have tried medication and I hate feeling like a zombie. Well this is all I am going to write now. I got some of what was on my mind off and I will be writing more often since its a way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out. Good night.
  14. JBC13

    Writing down my thoughts

    Thank you guys for your support and kind words. Without you guys I would feel alone. I wrote this wanting to make a blog. But my mistake was letting my boyfriend and mom read it first. My boyfriend is always supportive but my mom was not on board with it. She was more concerned about people reading it and judging and that she thought it was a cry out for help. After I told my boyfriend what she said he asked what the purpose of writing it was. I told him that I feel like I have been holding onto a ton of balloons by holding in everything I want to say to the ones around me. I am sure you guys may be able to relate but I feel like the people that don't know what I have been through just think I am weird or awkward because I don't go out or when I do I sit at a bar not drinking like I have a stick up my ass. And then I feel like the people that do know, want to help but like the things they do or say just sometimes make it worse. And I know their intentions are nothing but good but like if it was that easy I wouldn't be going to a therapist. So its nice to be able to talk to you guys. Especially when I just moved in with my boyfriend a year ago and know NOBODY. Its so hard especially when you do meet someone and then they end up thinking your weird because you never go out. Everyday I try and there are good days and bad days and I am glad I can share my good and my bad with you guys. Thank you for your support and I will always be here to support you as well.
  15. I am going to write my own story. I am no longer going to let someone else or something define me. I will no longer let my past define me. I am writing my present and I am working towards a positive future. 2016 is going to be a year of honesty, honesty to myself, my friends and my family because pretending to be happy puts a strain on your relationship with your friends, family, and most importantly yourself. Its so easy for everyone to put on their best face and act like their life is perfect and I was guilty of it but this year my new years resolution is to no longer “fake it til ya make” but to BE HAPPY, LOVE MYSELF & LIVE LIFE! So this is me, laying it all out on the table, and then I am going to write about my ups & downs of this journey to becoming the person I want to be. 2016 is going to be a year of rebuilding myself, spoiling myself, and finding out who I am & who I want to be. Its not about getting back to the old me because frankly I may never be that girl again and thats beauty of life, we can change everyday based on bad experiences and good. I am on the journey to becoming HAPPIER, STRONGER & BOLDER! Everyone experiences being anxious, but having anxiety is completely different from everyday worries about money or jobs or the pressures of getting an A on your final exam. Yes I have been anxious about all of the above, however, due to something that happened to me in college I now am diagnosed with Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). So on top of all of that, I suffer from extreme social anxiety, I experience depression and I have horrible panic attacks that scare the shit out of me and everyone around me! 2015 made me realize that my anxiety and PTSD stops me from experiencing life, I created a bubble around me and have completely shut myself out from society. 2016 is the year I am confronting the pain I have been through. On my first day of my Sophomore year in college I went to a Fraternity party with my roommates and I was drugged in my first drink and taken advantage of. That night played over and over in my head for months and I tried so hard to just pretend it never happened. Maybe if it didn’t happen then I would be loved, how could someone love me after what happened? I felt so dirty and sick. I no longer want to carry this pain and anger with me anymore. 2016 is going to be the year I write my story, I mean they do say your prime years are in your 20’s! Before I was raped I was happy, outgoing and loved having fun and being around people! I loved my friends so much, they fueled the spark inside me! I didn’t need a man in my life, I just needed my friends and family! I was a lot like my dad and my brother in that they love going out and being social and making sure all their friends have a good time. I was a planner, I liked to plan what parties we were going to, Halloween costumes, the music playlist, outfits, trips to the city or bringing my new college friends over to my hometown friends college parties. That all pretty much stopped the first day of Sophomore year. I was saving myself for someone special, I can’t say marriage because I just know that I wanted my parents to meet him, I wanted to feel what falling in love felt like. I wanted what you saw in the movies, that fairytale kind of love. And my friends were completely supportive of me, maybe they thought I was a little weird.. Idk. But they always joked that they would throw a sex toy party for me when I finally did haha! Everything they told me about sex and how great it is and they made it seem like it was better than chocolate. And if you know me, I am a CHOCOLATE ADDICT (everyday, all day)! Unfortunately, I didn’t get that experience and I’m not sure if I will ever feel that way about sex. I hope I do and I’m sorry family if you are reading this :0, I know thats not what you want to hear from your little girl lol. But the fact is it sucks, it really sucks and I hope that I will one day be able to get to that point of saying wow this is better than chocolate! I can’t tell you everything about what happened to me, simply because I don’t really remember it. I remember glimpses, part of that is because of my PTSD. My therapist said my mind just decided to block things out and the other part is because I was drugged. One drink, thats all it takes. So now with my anxiety I have a tough time being in bars and social settings. I tend to be a little uptight and extremely anxious. I feel comfortable drinking around my boyfriend because he has become a safety blanket to me. Which isn't great, I do need to break that but I don’t really enjoy drinking at all. I will have a glass of wine with dinner once in a blue moon but drinking socially isn't something I enjoy doing. But because I am so anxious in bars and social settings, I have two choices. Sit in the bar looking like a crotchety bit*h or take a ton of shots and just say fuck it (knowing that my man is right there watching over me). Part of my anxiety is I am a huge people pleaser. Not sure why but I hate when someone is mad at me, they may not even be mad at me. They may just be having a bad day but I automatically think I did something. I feel judged all the time because I know that my anxiety shows and people don’t look at me and say oh she's anxious… they look and say she looks like a miserable bit*h. Maybe they don’t exactly say that, but I could only imagine and I can’t blame them because I hate being anxious! It controls your whole life and I just wish I could feel normal! Instead I feel so distant from people, I feel like its harder for me to connect and make relationships with people. I have a hard time trusting people, I lost a lot of my friends in college. Part of it is my fault because I changed and I pushed people away out of fear. But I wasn’t that same girl anymore, I wasn't fun and outgoing anymore. I was broken. I wanted to be left alone but I hated being alone because I was so afraid. I used to love that my roommate would stay at her boyfriends house, but not anymore. I had nightmares every night for months. I woke up in tears crying. I felt dirty and no one could possibly want me or love me now. I also went through a period of anger. I still have a lot of anger inside of me, which I take out at UFC boxing. But it got to a point where I sought him out, at a party. The moment I saw him I shut down and froze, my fear was radiating off of me. It was like the whole room could see the fear in me. He came up to me acting like he had no clue who I was, introducing himself to me, with what he thinks is game. I had so many things I wanted to say to him… but nothing came out. My friends spoke up for me and he tried to make it like he drank to much, that he was blacked out. When I knew very well he knew what he was doing the whole time. He was conscious of everything he said and did. He told me he was raping me while he was doing it over and over again. While I tried to kick and punch a man that was over 6 feet tall off of me. I reached for my phone to call my friends to help and he threw it across the room. I may not remember every second of that moment but I damn sure remember enough to know he was very conscious of what he was doing. That year was rough, emotionally and physically. I could go on to more details but this blog isn't about my past. I am getting everything off my chest that I have been holding in, so I can move forward toward a positive life. With that being said its been 5 years since I was raped, and 5 years since I made the decision that I was going to pretend it never happened. Well… that bit me in the ass. I should have listened to my mom when she told me that pretending it never happened will only make it worse. For those 5 years, I tried to make do… well at least 3 of them. I was able to avoid parties, go home a lot and basically shelter myself in a bubble. I was anxious but I did a decent job of hiding it by just doing my own thing. And yeah I constantly heard my friends and my family say that I have changed and I should go back to the old me, the fun me. I can’t blame them for saying that because either they didn’t know what happened or they just didn't get it. The fourth year however, everything changed. I graduated college, I was entering a long distance relationship now and I had my first real full time job. Hey I mean a long distance relationship does suck but it gave me an excuse to visit him in Florida and escape the cold winter weather! That year was really rough though, it was a year that I broke. Crying everyday and feeling so alone, thats what happens when you bottle everything up and don’t allow the people that love you the most to help take some burden off of your shoulders. After I was raped, I kept a lot of my emotions to myself, whenever something bothered me, instead of speaking to someone or confronting the issue I ran away. I ran far far away whenever their was conflict. I never spoke up about being raped and I still wasn't comfortable ever speaking about it out of fear and rejection. When I was raped I told my ex, who at the time was my first real serious boyfriend and he didn’t believe me. This is why victims of rape don’t speak up. Because instead of showing support, we get questioned. “How much did you drink”, “What were you wearing”, “You must have led him on by talking to him” etc., the list can go on and on. And thats why these people get away with it. So after my boyfriend graduated and moved back to New Jersey I moved in with him! So now I could see him everyday which would be great right?! Well now thats an adjustment. Especially moving into his parents house. I love his family, they are great! But here’s a girl that is extremely anxious, has PTSD, but doesn’t know she has it yet, living with, well, not strangers, but they don’t know all my quirks. So they soon found out and I found out…. that I was a TICKING TIME BOMB! This is when I realized that I can’t ignore all of this. I was able to deal with my anxiety with having the comfort of my home, my family, my schedule, my bubble. And now I’m living in not my home, my parents aren't there, I felt like a guest or a stranger, I was missing that love that I needed from my family. And schedule… forget about it haha I went from waking up going to work too Oh my god I have so much time on my hands this is awful. I like feeling busy, I like feeling productive, when I have time on my hands; I think, and when I think, I get depressed. In the beginning for a while living at my boyfriends parents house I would lock myself in my room. Im not sure exactly why but I felt like I didn’t belong or I just wanted to feel love, my parents love. I look for validation a lot. Even writing this blog I asked everyone close to me what they thought. Even though its for me and I shouldn’t give a crap what anyone thinks because its my story, but for some odd reason I still look to be told its ok. And some people may say thats ok, but its not because if someone tells me “I don’t think thats a good a idea”… well then I won’t do it. Why am I letting other people control what I want to do? With my anxiety and PTSD I have trouble being on other peoples schedules, I have trouble sleeping, I have trouble trusting, the list can go on but a big thing is traveling. I have become a homebody because its my comfort zone and I am afraid to leave that comfort zone. So I decided to go to therapy. My first therapist was a looney… it was like a gossip fest with her saying in her loud Italian accent “OHHHHH MY GAAWWD!”. I’m not sure why I ever listened to her but she suggested I go on this trip that my boyfriend was planning to their cabin in the woods. I was so anxious about going and truly didn’t want to but my therapist said she thinks I should do it and I signed up for therapy to fight my anxiety right? Well I went and it sucked. Here I am going into the woods, I have trouble sleeping, I have a specific routine I like to follow and now I am on other people schedules.. ohhhhhh yeah and I have to be SOCIAL. Great so I am surrounded in the woods with no place to go with basically everything that makes me SUPER ANXIOUS!!!! Well first PANIC ATTACK HERE I COME!!! Yup, I had my very first serious panic attack around bedtime. Why? Because I had a whole day of being social, anxious from the start of trip and now its almost bedtime in my book… but not other people and I have no where to escape to decompress. I didn’t have my car so it brings me back to the day I was raped. I felt TRAPPED. I know it sounds silly but with my PTSD those are all triggers for me. My anxiety level was at the max it could be and now to make it worse I could’t escape. I had no place that was my safety blanket. My therapist told me when I got there to make a safe zone for myself, my safety zone was always my room because I could be alone. But there was no getting away for me. So I went outside into the dark woods to breathe and to try to escape somehow. But I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking, I was on the ground crying. I couldn’t control my anxiety and my boyfriend had no clue what to do. I reached an all time low. He was actually considering bringing me to the hospital. Now what sucks is he may get it and realize that maybe it was too much for me. But that doesn’t mean others get it, and it doesn’t mean they care to get it either. The fact of the matter is it doesn’t matter whether they know what I am going through or not because you won’t know the everyday struggle until it happens to you. Its funny because I would get so angry when people would just tell me “well you just need to move on” or “You need to just shut your anxiety off”. It made me want to shake someone and tell them “I WISH YOU COULD FEEL JUST ONE MINUTE OF HOW I FEEL!”. Do people honestly think that I want to feel what I feel? Do people honestly think that I enjoy not traveling and doing fun things? Now I understand right now I come off sounding like a bit*h because I truly know some of these people care and want to help. But its such struggle to have to hear those things because Lady Gaga said it best in her song “Til it Happens to you”. You tell me "it gets better, it gets better, in time" You say I'll pull myself together, pull it together, "You'll be fine" Tell me what the hell do you know, What do you know, Tell me how the hell could you know, How! could you know Till it happens to you, you don't know How it feels, How it feels. Till it happens to you, you won't know It won't be real No It won't be real Won't know how it feels You tell me "hold your head up" Hold your head up and be strong Cause when you fall, you gotta get up You gotta get up and move on." In fact this was the song that led me to wanting to get better, stronger and to speak up. Thanks to her and to “The Hunting Ground” I now have become strong enough to speak up for myself, for others because I am not going to let anyone bring me down. This may be the only post or it may be one in a million, I can’t tell you that right now. I just know that 2016 is me not rewriting my story but writing the beginning to my story. Now that I aired it all out in the open, I can start my journey to finding out who I really am and who I want to be. Thank you to everyone that has read my story and to everyone that supports me especially my family and the love of my life. <3
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