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There are many things that rape is not. Rape is not sex, rape is not one and done, rape is not purely physical. Rape is what cripples strong minds. If you could see inside me I could tell you what rape is. If you could see the structures that once supported me. If you could see the crossbeams and pillars that held me together. Pretend they are there and I can tell you what rape it. Rape is removing those structures. Whether it is all at once or one by one. So that your shell goes on, unaware that it is fragile where once it was strong. Your shell can go on and present the same face to the rest
That is what happened to me too. But I can tell you that it does get better. I promise. I hid from the past for so long and I thought I was fine but eventually the person I thought I was shattered and I was left with nothing. You have to start confronting the past and digging into your most unpleasant memories. Write things down, analyze your thoughts and actions. It may not be pleasant but eventually you will feel more like your true self than you ever have before.
What helps me is to write about it. If I'm having a panic attack I just starting writing everything down that comes to my head. I don't question the things I write I just get them out and it helps me to pinpoint my feelings, fears, or insecurities. It always surprises me because even when I think I understand something about myself there is always another layer. And then I read it to my boyfriend. I write it for me but it helps for him to know what EXACTLY is going on in my head. It's a no judgment zone and it has helped me through the panic attacks so that now they are much less frequent.
Good luck!!!! You seem so strong and it is so brave of you to face these things and question past memories. I often wish I had done so sooner in my life. It's the hardest thing in the world to do but in the end, only good things come from it.