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Clara6

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    Survivor

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  1. There are many things that rape is not. Rape is not sex, rape is not one and done, rape is not purely physical. Rape is what cripples strong minds. If you could see inside me I could tell you what rape is. If you could see the structures that once supported me. If you could see the crossbeams and pillars that held me together. Pretend they are there and I can tell you what rape it. Rape is removing those structures. Whether it is all at once or one by one. So that your shell goes on, unaware that it is fragile where once it was strong. Your shell can go on and present the same face to the rest of the world. No one knows that cracks are beginning to spiderweb from the weight of just being you. Voices get caught inside and echo about the lonely halls. Voices that belittle, voices that doubt, voices that fear the past. You can go on after rape, for a time, powered by routine. Ignorance is the key, ignorance of how thin the shell is becoming. Those voices inside get blown about, slowly eroding the shell from within. Until one day you shatter. Like a building being demolished, everything comes down at once. And you let it. You let it all sit where it fell. A pile of everything that once was you. It stays there to gather dust because you have forgotten that maybe it could be different. Perhaps that is just how you were always meant to be. Broken. Until one day Love comes along and dusts off the pieces. He gets cut by the shards but he keeps going and he loves what he sees. Not something broken, in need of help to become worthwhile, but something that is worthwhile now. A beautiful mess that doesn't need to pretend to be whole to deserve love. And through that love some of the pieces come back together. Now maybe you have half a face, an arm, your right hip. Through love those pieces are melded back together. Other pieces are set in place, they are not fused and they don't seem to fit quite right yet, some grind against one another and you still feel a little out of sync with the world. But you are functional. Other pieces are lost. Some can be found and some, perhaps, are gone forever. But eventually a pillar is erected once more. Something strong and stable inside yourself to lean the pieces on. To help keep your shell upright. That is rape.
  2. That is what happened to me too. But I can tell you that it does get better. I promise. I hid from the past for so long and I thought I was fine but eventually the person I thought I was shattered and I was left with nothing. You have to start confronting the past and digging into your most unpleasant memories. Write things down, analyze your thoughts and actions. It may not be pleasant but eventually you will feel more like your true self than you ever have before.
  3. Clara6

    Feeling Down

    What helps me is to write about it. If I'm having a panic attack I just starting writing everything down that comes to my head. I don't question the things I write I just get them out and it helps me to pinpoint my feelings, fears, or insecurities. It always surprises me because even when I think I understand something about myself there is always another layer. And then I read it to my boyfriend. I write it for me but it helps for him to know what EXACTLY is going on in my head. It's a no judgment zone and it has helped me through the panic attacks so that now they are much less frequent.
  4. Clara6

    Decisions Made

    Good luck!!!! You seem so strong and it is so brave of you to face these things and question past memories. I often wish I had done so sooner in my life. It's the hardest thing in the world to do but in the end, only good things come from it.
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