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Secondary Survivors
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    Supporter or secondary survivor
  1. Sonnet...thank you for your kind words and understanding that *I* am also going through this. The comment about the alcholism was meant to come across that alcoholism is a sickness, and so is this. Would I leave him over alcoholism? I don't know. Obviously, this is different, I know. I am just trying to wrap my brain around it. It's hard. I say he is not a pedophile because he doesn't look at kids OR young girls. Hell..I am 6 years OLDER than he is, so it's not like he like'em young. He is disgusted by that himself and doesn't know why t his happened. He wanted to kill himself. He's very, very depressed but supports me bringing this into the open. That said, none of this makes him a saint but I am proud that he is not full of sh*t. Oh..and my daughter's ADD/ODD was diagnosed before I even married my husband, so the incident is NOT what caused that. Her behavior and self-injury has a lot to do with it though. Determined1. OK..think what you want to think. You do not know what kind of parent I am after only one post. Everything you said...I have said about other people in this situation. I get it. I sicken you?? HOW? I only just found out about this recently myself. You sound very defensive. I do not need that now. What I came here for was support. While I do not expect to be coddled, I also do not expect verbal abuse from you or anyone else. And for the record, I am an adult (grown up) and a responsible mother. That's why I am here. If I wanted to I could sweep this under the rug. I choose not to. Maybe I did not make the right decision when I first found out, but I am trying to do the right thing now. IF you you have nothing but Sh*T to spew at me, then please do not post to me again. AGAIN...if you'd get off your high horse and re-read my post, I am looking into "worse case scenarios", i.e. I have been looking into divorce lawyers, looking into selling our home, etc, and looking at condos that are on the market. I KNOW that odds are, this is NOT something I can live with/expect my baby to live with, but I have to do this in a timeframe that we are all comfortable with (my daughter, son and self). That said, I probably will not post here anymore.
  2. Hello. I'm new here. I'm not a survivor but I recently found out that my husband inappropriately touched my daughter when she was 10 (she is now 13). He is her stepfather. I just found out 6 mos ago. I am so lost, hurt, confused, and plain SCARED. My husband is not an awful person. This is totally out of character for him and I can't believe this happened. It's baffling. When my daughter told me about this, I confronted my husband. He admitted it. I heard both sides of the story and they both match up and my daughter has told me he never ever told her not to tell, threatened her or anything. Here is the story: Apparently, when my mom died, my husband and daughter drove down to Houston to be with me (I flew down earlier in teh week). While driving, my husband reached into my daughters pants adn touched her "down there". It was all external (still yuck) nothing invasive, and it was just the one time. He told me it was like he was sleeping and woke up and realized what he was doing and was like, "OH God...what am I doing??" and immediately stopped. My daughter also said he seemed "out of it". He has not made excuses, he has owned up to it. He told his family, etc. He wants to understand why he did this. His family said some things happened to him, but my husband says that is no excuse. Here is the dilemma. When I found out, we tried to decide as a family what to do. Obviously I was devastated. I kicked him out of the house for couple of days until I could think of what to do. We decided to let my daughter decide what to do. In hindsight, not a good idea but at the time my thinking was that I didn't want to traumatize her any further with telling, having to go through all that crap. She has been out of control though. She is into the "goth" look and has been "cutting" and doing things she should not be doing. She's very mean, and verbally abusive to me and physically to her little brother who is 6. She has always had problems, i.e., ADD, ODD, etc so I wasn't sure if the "incident" affected her or not. Now I can see that it did. Please don't judge me for this, I have never dealt with anythng like this. When it happens to someone else it's easy to sit back and say, "OH..I'd kick him to the curb or whatever," but when it happens in your family it's a different story. Fast forward to now. My daughter 2 weeks ago got angry and stayed out all night refused to come home because she wanted to hang with her boyfriend (he's 15) and friends. She has been blackmailing us with the incident with her stepdad when she doesn't get her way. That night, she tried marijuana, and I found out she has been smoking cigarettes for 2 years! I decided I had to tell her real father the truth and that it needs to come out because a) she is out of control and b) it is very obviously affecting her. I have not told her counselor yet (we have been going to counseling for a few mos now for her behavior issues). We have an appt next week. I am SO scared. Even though my husband did something awful I still love him. I don't know what will happen. I don't want a divorce, but I feel like that is what I should do. We have a lot of debt right now though and splitting isn't something we can just up adn do. We would have to sell our house and some other stuff too. I'm scared of him being on the Perv list (he's not a perv or pedophile, this is an isolated incident) and while my daughter is my; #1 priority, he's obviously got some issues too. I think how would i react if he were an alcoholic? I know it's different but it's not. YOu know? I'm scared of the cops being at my house, at him being arrested, etc. I have no idea what to expect. I am preparing for the worst. I have teh card of a divorce lawyer, talked to my daughters father abotu taking her while my husband and I prepare to split, etc. Is it horrible and wrong that I don't want a divorce? But can we really get past soemthing like this? I am so confused. Input please! I knwo this is all over the place and I'll answer any other questions you have. Thanks.
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