Hi. I am a man of 58 years. I have struggled daily in my life to rid myself of my flaws that caused me to be abused. Then I had an epiphany in 07 and realised at gut lever that I had been abused because who my abusers were and not because of who I am. I had a violent father who never showed my anything but disgust. I was boy enough. as I grew it got worse and I much preferred girls for friends tho up till about 12 my bfs were boys.
I travelled the world, always changing schools, always the new boy and always bullied. I only learned from all of this, my dad's growing violence too, was how to disassociate. by 13 I was self harming. Then I lived in Australian outback and no one took any notice. I really was a fish out of water. Imagine dumping a posh, soft boy into small town Texas or something. Any very masculine community.
The now is this: My disabilites grew until I could no longer walk more than a few feet and certainly cnnot stand still with agony. This meant my dream was denied me-dog showing. Just as I was reaching to top, owning the top winner in her bredd in 09. You don't need to know just that I dreamed all my life for it and then the plug was pulled.
I went into a dpression and I very nearly killed myself. Every thing fell apart. I believed I had conned myse;f, those had helped me recover had conned me. I was now in a wheel chair and could find no hope at all.
Now 3 years later, 100lbs heavier, I fell mentally better, no suicidal thoughts yet I still have found no hope or purpose.
I am also a knit wear designer, yarn painter, and knitter and reasonably well known all though after 3 or so years of doing nothin g, I am probably forgotten.
I am truly stuck and don't know what to do.
On a psotive note, I have a won derful husband to whom I been legally fully married to for 5 years and together 36 years. He adores me and treats me very well and has been with me every step of a v ery painful journey. We have no money troubles. I know stupid people who envy me, ignoring my 24/7 pain and the many meds I take 4 times a day.
I do take succour from the fact that science has shown that victims/survivors of trauma end up, in a high percen tage, with health problems such mine. My neurologist says I have brain damge like boxers get because of having my head hit too often as child by my dad.
I think the depression is over, I am still taking the med for it. I was always anti the idea of chemical imbalance and of pills for it. Not anymore. I felt the pills working and a month later I no longer wanted to die.
Sorry this has been so long.