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Blog Entries posted by FlickeringSoul

  1. FlickeringSoul
    The holidays are always so difficult. They have become filled with haunting memories, and chilling reminders. Each year I hope to create better memories, happy ones, good moments to cherish, and every year I'm let down. I try to go out there and create new memories with family...but it's always family letting me down. This year my mom got frustrated while stuffing the turkey and vented at me how she was going to throw the turkey out the window (she lives on the 14th floor). My mom is one of my abusers...but i always keep trying, keep hoping, ....keep going back for more....
    I don't get it...but I do. I had a meeting with my women's shelter worker on Tuesday of this week, we discovered together that one of my core beliefs is that i'm unimportant, and I believe I am worthless. Therefore anyone especially men, who show any interest in me, no matter what warning signs go off, no matter how toxic they appear, or become...i won't leave them. I still to them like crazy glue. Because they've showed an interest in me, showed me at some point that I have value. even if it doesn't last very long...no matter how brief the "value" period may be...i'm stuck. intertwined in to their web of chaos.
  2. FlickeringSoul
    So i'm new to this forum, but I've discovered blogs. I'm a little happy about that, as I can express myself freely without triggering myself or others of course.
    Today I'm meeting with my counselor from the women's shelter. She's an amazing woman, who encourages and inspires me. We made an intervention plan together that involves 4 consequences of what I've been through, and the means to help me overcome them. The two biggest and hardest ones to overcome are suicidal thoughts, and flash backs. This past weekend was very difficult for me, I ended up calling a suicide crisis line....someone talked to me for 20 minutes, and I never felt like I was bothering them, or annoying them; which is a good thing for me. It was very difficult though to reach out for help...especially since i feel that the reasons I wanted to hurt myself are so stupid. I find it would be easier to consider killing myself than breaking up with my abusive boyfriend. I'm not ready to let go, even though i'm hurting badly, and so deeply tired.
    My friends and social worker are pushing me to break up with him, and I know that they all have my best interests at heart, because they truly care about me and my well being. And they give me examples of the things I shouldn't put up with, and despite how much i AGREE with them, I still can't seem to find the courage to let him go. Despite how much i know I will be better off, happier, and healthier, I still can't do it. Despite how afraid I am that things are only going to get worse...despite how much i know that things are only going to get worse, i just can't do it!. This makes me so frustrated with myself, so angry and annoyed at myself it hurts. I feel like a failure, and a disappointment to everyone around me.
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