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sjp124532

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  1. I'm reading the Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz.

    Its brought up a ton of weird mixed feelings.   I'm not too far into it but I can feel loads of mixed emotions I'm not sure about.

    I can feel it in my chest, its like a burning feeling.  It creeps into my stomach and I'm not sure where it came from.  I was reading about memories of abuse and how sometimes we don't remember what happened to us but if we have a feeling something happened to us, it likely did.

    How can something happen to you and you not know about it?  I have fragments of weird things that i can remember.  They don't have a lot of emotion around them but I just have this incessant feeling that there is something more I don't know about.

    Trigger Warning.

    1. When I reflect on my childhood I really don't recall any overt abuse other than the childhood friend I had.  I remember we were at her family cabin but where this was, dates and times are a mystery to me.  I remember we must have been younger maybe around 7 or 8 maybe?  I remember we were in a bunk bed in a side room that wasn't really a room but an open area that had some distinction between it and the other areas of the cabin.  I remember we were on the top bunk and we were under the blankets.  I remember being on my back with her over me.  She told me to pretend her hand/fingers was/were the tongue of a boy I was openly crushing on and proceeded to run her fingers along my legs and up my thighs into my vagina.  I don't remember if she penetrated me or not but I know she was rubbing me quite a bit.  I remember her dad coming into the room/area and asking what we were doing and she said 'nothing' and then began to tell her dad that we were playing a "cat and mouse" type game where we were crawling around under the sheets chasing each other.  I remember feeling like we weren't supposed to be doing it but we were.  I remember we used to be good friends when we were children and then we all of a sudden hated each other.  I don't remember why and it became a life long thing that we never liked each other...  I wonder if there was more to these experiences than what I can recall now.  Later on as I became more educated on these issues I kind of figured that she had been victimized herself and wrote it off as that.  Part of me wants to message her and see.

    I remember feeling scared to piss during the night and not remembering why.  I slept with my lamp on forever and would stay up on some nights, nearly the whole night, frozen in fear unable to speak and never sure why.  

     

    Even as I'm writing this I'm experiencing vertigo.  My heart is beating hard and I feel kind of sick.

    I don't have any other memories about sexual abuse that could have happened to me as a kid.  Most of my memory is spotty at best so I'm not sure if these things are related or not.

    I had a dream about my uncle the other night. I feel like I wrote about it somewhere but I dont remember where.  I woke up with a very strange mix of feelings.  I wish I could remember more....

     

  2. One thing I truly struggle with is allowing myself to feel hurt about what happened.  How can I be upset when the people who hurt me don't even know they raped someone?  I carried a lot of pain for a while and they probably honestly thought nothing of it.  It was just another "drunken hook-up".  I was just another body to use.

    Why couldn't they choose a different course of action?  Why couldn't they have found somewhere else to go instead of the couch my passed out body lie on?  Why couldn't they just leave me be?  Why did they have to take my clothes off.  Why did they have to bend me over the arm rest and do what they pleased with me.

    I was nothing to them and I'm the one left with all the resentment and anger.

    I don't understand it.  I struggle with this all the time.  I feel like I asked for it.  

    Feeling a little hopeless...

  3. I did find someone truly amazing, thank you for your kind words.
  4. sjp124532

    First Time

    thank you lcacejk, your validation really means something to me.
  5. sjp124532

    First Time

    bjladams: I completely agree. I'm glad you found some meaning in my words. I think I have a HUGE guilt complex and that maybe that comes from experiences of shame in my life whether they were sexual assault or others... I think this feeds into feeling guilty about feeling bad about what has happened.
  6. Trigger Warning: I found a trigger. This may not seem like a super huge deal but due to the nature of my sexual assault experiences, I don't have much memory to work with t process the experiences. But I definitely think I found a trigger. I've been so confused why I refuse or try to escape touch or closeness with my boyfriend and would often make self-depreciating comments about me being flawed or just not a "touchy-feely" person. I often describe the situation as trying to hug a porcupine. He has good intentions and always tries to show his love for me through closeness and touching. I often feel smothered and want to escape from him and it leaves him feeling disappointed and confused by my "coldness". This has been an ongoing experience with me for the last couple of years. I never really understood it until I had my moment of clarity the other day. We were laying in bed watching TV and when he rolled over to kiss me his body laid over mine. I immediately reacted and felt a burning sensation in my chest and an ever urging need to shove him off as hard and fast as I could. He, thinking I was playing around didn't take me seriously. The tussle ended up with me using all my physical force to shove him off the bed and onto the floor with a hard thud. The event ended with me retreating into the living room nagging him about not listening to me and becoming irritable and intensely and acutely angry with him for not IMMEDIATELY getting off of me. I realized it then that I maybe had been triggered and it brought me right back to the foggy, drunken, emotional memories of the sexual assaults. I had become panicky and desperate to use every ounce of energy and will in me to throw him like a rag doll. Something I was not able to do during the assault. After feeling my body surging with vibration and mixed emotion I explained this to him. Of course, with immense love and understanding he heard me and accepted me in that moment in my brokenness. I'm so thankful for him.
  7. sjp124532

    First Time

    Thank you so much. Your words are greatly appreciated.
  8. sjp124532

    First Time

    I am not sure what to expect from this. My path of healing did not start until I became an advocate myself... Working with individuals with immense and heartbreaking traumas. It was through my experience of doing the work that I came to the realization that what happened to me was sexual assault. I struggle with giving myself permission to feel upset about what happened to me although it hurt me very much. My journey to heal is indeed a winding path that I am just beginning to navigate. It started with a crisis chat online with an advocate from RAINN. I wasn't sure what to do with all of this information and pictures in my head. I thought I didn't deserve to heal or I didn't deserve to be called a survivor because I've heard so many more stories that are more tragic than my own. I still get lost in some of those ideas. I'm going to try this and see if it answers some of my own healing questions. So here goes my first time...
  9. Still trying to figure this out.

  10. I think i posted in the wrong spot as a response to someone else's welcome intro... apologies! I'm new to forums and am trying to navigate all of this information. Anywho... I'm glad to be here and nice to meet you all. Thanks for having me.
  11. Hello, I'm very new to posting in forums... I'm glad to finally find a safe, confidential outlet for dealing with my story. Happy to be here, nice to meet you.
  12. sjp124532

    Peace Keepers <3

    things that help me through the day to day grind.
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