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hope4healing23

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  1. If you read my last blog entry, you would know that I recently spoke out about what happened to me. As a child I was "harmed" by my father. I didn't remember until after I was raped years and years later. I was so flooded with emotion - I started harming myself. It lead to the point that I became suicidal. I mentioned it to a two family members. They had a lot of questions and seemed mad. I was already overwhelmed with what I was feeling and wasn't ready to answer their questions, and more so was not ready to tell them who it was. So, I bottled it back up. I spent a few years pretending it didn't happen, until there was no way of mind getting around that it didn't. Then, I finally admitted it happened, but pretended for another few years it wasn't my father. Until 3 weeks ago, he called me when I was feeling so much pain. For the first time EVER, I was able to let myself love who I was dating. I already messed up every other relationship I had dated because of the effects of what my father had done. This one was different - I felt safe with him. I was so afraid to lose something good, I thought maybe if I just open up to this one, I won't lose him. WRONG. VERY WRONG. It only let out so many things I have kept bottled up and in the end our relationship did not last. My father happened to call a couple of weeks after this happened. Since having the memories, I never answer or pick it up and tell him to stop calling me. This time I answered and talked. He asked me why I stopped talking to him. Feeling so tired of holding it in - I told him why. Of course he denied it, but there were so many things that he said that confirmed it was him. Naturally, I just still wanted to believe him because I still want to pretend it wasn't him. so. very. badly. But I am done pretending. A few days later, I told my mom. Against my biggest fear that she wouldn't believe me, she told me that she did. She was actually very upset with me that I didn't tell her sooner. She told me things about what my father did to her. I was shocked, but definitely believed it. About a week or so after that I told two aunts. I learned that one of my aunts found something when I was a child which was a sign of sexual abuse, a big sign, among many other smaller signs. I found out she reported my father, but nothing was done. I also found out that that same aunt, along with another that recently just passed away, along with my mother were also sexually abused as children. STUMPER: The family doesn't address that it happens. Everyone just kind of wants to sweep it under the rug and doesn't want to talk about it. I love them and care about them so deeply yet sometimes it feels like they push me away when I want to talk about my struggles. I'm not talking about details about what happened, I am just talking about the after effects. I find it odd. Very odd. Regardless, I am happy I told them for my own sake. I wish I had told them sooner.
  2. Hi Everyone - I came to After Silence to seek out some support and talk with other people that I could relate to. I recently just spoke out to my family about what happened to me. Although my family and some friends are very supportive, it feels very lonely because there is a lot that they don't understand, nor do I expect them to, so I came here to seek out additional support. I hope this was the right place to come! From what I have seen so far, it looks very supportive!
  3. You are not alone. I too wish I knew how to ease it. I wish I had people in my life that understood. I wish I didn't feel so afraid to talk more to them about it - I don't want to be a burden. It makes them uncomfortable so I stop reaching out. I don't want to add to the pain and discomfort in their lives - I love them. I ask myself all the time who will love me enough to help me? I always get the same answer - no one. I would much rather feel physical pain than the pain I feel because at least I would know it would go away. I know I have more to offer, but all I can feel is the hate, disgust, and shame I feel for myself. The fact that no one can be here to help only makes it all feel worse. The one thing I can say that has helped is to write. It is hard at first and I wanted to blow it off every time someone told me to do it, but it eventually felt easier, it felt better, it felt like a relief, it helped me organize all of the thoughts and emotions swirling around like a tornado. could. The best thing about it was that I could write down what I couldn't tell anyone else. If you would like to talk more, message me.
  4. This is my first blog post - ever. Please bare with me while I get used to it. I just started going to counseling and she suggested a blog might help, and I think it might too. In advance, I would like to thank anyone who reads and responds. So here goes my first post... About two weeks ago my boyfriend broke up with me. He was the first man I opened my heart to. I have closed myself up, put up so many walls, and wouldn't let anyone in for so long. He felt right and I was tired of numbing my feelings. I opened up and it brought through many other feelings and reactions I did not expect. I communicated about them to him as best as I could, but it resulted in him breaking things off. He just one day, on my birthday, up and stopped talking to me. He ignored and avoided any text, phone, or email I sent. It broke my heart. It broke my heart so much, and I felt so guilty for my wrong-doings, and I was so tired of the abuse that happened to me as a child to continue to affect my life - I was fed up. So, I confronted who sexually abused me as a child - my father. A few days later I told my mother who it was (in my 20s I knew what happened to me and told her, but would never tell her who in fear of hurting her, in fear of how she would look at me, and in fear of her not believing me.) Since then, I have told a few of my aunts, one of which was able to tell me things that happened during that time frame like her reporting my father, but nothing was done. She told me what she knew. This crushed me. I wanted to think that the few memories I had were just that a few memories. After what she told me, I realized it had been going on much longer. This is crushed me. I feel so abandoned, so alone, and like I push everyone away. I feel so much pain. I wish I knew what I could do to ease the pain. It was a huge step to open my heart just for it to be broken. Then, I spoke out about what happened to me - another huge very painful step. Some days I feel like I made a mistake, the pain from both seems so unbearable. I feel like I should have kept this locked away.
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