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  1. I was going out with a friend of mine who I had known closely for many years. He was even my ‘bridesmaid’ at my wedding. (He did not wear a dress, but was my gay best friend.) I was no longer married at the time this incident happened. He had called me and asked me to go downtown for a stand-up comedy show he was preforming at, and there would be beer and wine all over. It was August, and I had nothing better to do, so I said sure, sounds like fun! Since I was no longer married, and my friend knew I had not had sex in a very long time, he was set out to get me laid because “that’s all you need right now!” he said. I kept telling him I was not really out for that, I just wanted to hang out with him and have a good time and not worry about guys. All night long he introduced me to his comedian friends, and after each one he would ask me if I was interested in taking that one home. I would say no and repeat myself each time that I was not out to get laid that night. As the night went on, and things started winding down, we had both had several glasses of wine, and I befriended a man. We talked and went to another bar with my friend and a handful of other comedians. We talked and played pinball, but then when he asked if I was interested in going out on a date with him later, I politely said no thank you. I then returned to the friend I came with. The friend I had come with had his eye on a kid who had red hair, and asked me, “Hey how about this one? I know you like red heads!” I said eh, not really into him and don’t want anything to happen tonight anyway. He told me then that he wanted him and so I agreed to be the bait and do a switch when we got back to his apartment. So, that is what we did. The kid’s name was (we will say) K. (My friends name was B.) So B drove the three of us home, and while I was PLASTERED, K kept trying hard to get me interested in him. He was also very plastered, so much so he pulled his di*k out in the back of the car, which was exactly why I had rode in the front – NOT in the back with K. K kept reaching up and touching me, kissing on me, and I thought in my drunken mind that if I kissed him he would have gotten what he wanted then he would stop. B at the time was speeding, and was pulled over. He did the test, and was let go on a warning. We returned back to B’s apartment. K was ALL OVER ME, kissing me while having me pinned up against the wall as soon as we got inside, and I was extremely uncomfortable. The only way I thought I would get out of it as discussed with B as a bait and switch was to turn dominate. I told K to lie on the bed after removing his pants. He did. Then I told him to let B take over and do as he wished to his body. K said Hell No! I want you to be on my face if I let him touch me. B looked at me, and being a people pleaser, looking at my friend, I felt guilty, and agreed. I told them to turn the lights off, so no one could see me, and I was on his face for about 30 seconds before I burst out into tears, jumped off, and was frantic to put my clothes back on, and ran out of the apartment. B later found me and I told him I needed a cigarette and more to drink. (Yes I was still consuming more – straight vodka at this point.) K was back all over me again trying hard to get me back into bed because everyone was falling asleep. I kept trying to avoid it by making them think badly of me by saying – I’ve not shaved, and I’ve been outside all day and am sweaty, I smell bad, etc. That is when I remember B told me I was prude which made me feel awful and it still does to this day. So, B told me to go take a shower, and I did. K tried to enter into the bathroom as I stood there about to get in, and I shoved him as hard as I could out the door and promptly locked it. I vaguely remember showering (I think in all reality I just stood there in the water until it was cold). Once I was out and dried off, I put all of my clothes back on including my shoes. I noticed all of the lights were out, and everyone in the apartment (including the 4 other people who I did not know were passed out all over). So without knowing what else to do, and no place to sleep, I crawled into bed with B and K who were lying next to each other on the bed. I laid across the bed up where the pillows were but there was no blanket, and I was freezing. I woke B up asking if there was a blanket, and he said the only one was under them. I asked him if I could get under it, and leave both of them on top (thinking this would provide a safe barrier between them and me. K was on my left, B was on the right. I passed right out. Then after an unknown time, I woke up to movement. B had his arm reached across my body to K’s, giving him a hand job with me under the covers (them on top). The movement made me wake up and unintentionally drawing K’s attention to me. He then tried twice to remove my pants, again telling him No and trying to readjust to go back to sleep. Finally after drunken ‘fighting’ him (more like just let me sleep!!) I gave in. I was still so wasted, and was passing out every time I closed my eyes, that all I wanted was for him to stop. I told him do not fuck my p*ssy if you’re going to do anything. Just let me sleep. So, all I remember after that was somehow my pants were already off, B was standing on the side of the bed watching, and K on top of me (I was lying face down hardly conscious.) I do not remember him going in I don’t think, I do remember thinking this is the shittiest idea you’ve had but just sleep for now. And then I remember him leaving the room and the door shutting. That was enough to wake me up and laugh and say “well aren’t you going to fuck me too since you didn’t get him?” so, he climbed on, thrust a few times, and then pulled out and said “Nope, I’m still gay.” I woke up more, sat up, looked at B and asked “What the fuck just happened??” and started crying. He said “I don’t know, just go back to sleep.” I went home the next morning, and was probably still illegally driving because I still felt drunk. I got home, felt so sick, and there was shit down my thighs, which meant it was probably other places. I felt so horrible, and disgusting, and shamed. I would like to say what I was wearing that night: Yoga capri pants, flip flops, and a tank top. Nothing was showing, nothing was insinuated, and I had been telling everyone No for HOURS until I was so drunk and my people pleaser took over I gave in. So, with that all being said… I feel guilty for drinking so much, even with a friend I have been sloshed with for years and trusted to take care of me. I did allow K to kiss me once (which was uncomfortable and I didn’t want to), and I said OK to letting him give me oral sex (which was EXTREMELY uncomfortable that I STOPPED) and then I feel like I should not have done any of that, nor drank that much because that is all my fault it happened. I don’t like that he pressured me on continuously over 6 hours, but doesn’t that just mean I was weak? I cannot get over how some people tell me this is date rape when all it could have been was a bad decision because I was ran down to the point of just needing to sleep. I do not drink in excess any longer, and I hardly leave my house. I now mostly drink alone when I want to. I feel like I cannot trust anyone, including myself - because I said no for 6 hours, and knew I didn't want anything to happen, but I let them anyway. I don't understand why, or what is wrong with me that I did that. And now that I have, how can I ever even date someone? Ever? I knew B for 6 years - and if he could do that, and help K do that to me, that tells me I will never know anyone truely.
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