Being new here, I don't know where to begin. I am a 35 year old mother/wife/social worker who endured many years of sexual abuse at the hands of multiple abusers. I can remember back to around age 2, the touching by "them" in areas they should not ever touch on a child, for their pleasure. I unfortunately was not their only victim, all the females on that side of the family were targets, regardless of age. Finally at age 13, I told a friend. He helped me to tell a therapist in the psychiatric hospital we both were patients of at the time. I had to tell my parents.... my father yelled and said "you're a lying w**re who got what you deserved" and stumbled drunk out of the therapist's office while my mother sat in the corner and cried, as she too was a victim. I was not allowed to press charges, father would not allow it as he claimed I was lying. I moved out of that home when I was 16 and was free from the abusers! So 19 years later, out of the blue, I get a text message stating one of the main abusers died. For 19 years, I barely thought much about him (or so I told myself) until about 1 week before this text, when I mentioned something about him to my husband for no apparent reason, first time I had ever spoke to my husband about that specific abuser. 1 week later, the perp is dead. I was in shock, overwhelmed with soooo many emotions, from elation knowing he would never hurt another, relief, to sadness because in an odd way, I did love him, after all he was family, to guilt for feeling elation and relief, to anger that he never spent a day in jail for what he did to me and my female relatives. I was on an emotional roller coaster, crying one minute (both tears of joy and of sadness), laughing the next. I couldn't eat, sleep or focus on anything for days after getting that random text. I have a bachelors degree in psychology and I kept telling myself that "damnit you help so many others with their past and present problems, why can't you just snap out of it!" The people I trust the most assured me my emotional rollercoaster was normal considering what I had been through for at least 11 years. But I still felt guilt for the way I was feeling. So I made an emergency appointment with my therapist. I had only been working with this therapist about a year, but was focusing on day to day issues and relationship problems, he did not know I had endured such a long time of sexual abuse. I sat in his office and bawled like a baby, I told him as much as I could get out in an hour and we decided it's time to face this demon of the past. I truly think that is the root of my relationship problems, I can't focus on tomorrow or the future, I'm stuck in the past and can barely get through the day sometimes. I confuse intercourse with the only form of intimacy with my husband, but I vow to change that. I will work with my therapist and find the tools to get out of the past and look towards the future.