limbodante

Super depressed. Mustn't cave. Probably will. Bah.

The universe revolves around you. Without you there to see it, it doesn't eixst. The nature of atoms changes when observed. Literally nobody else sees the world quite as you do, you create the entire universe with your presence, merely by existing. So be kind to you. The universe as you know it depends on it x

Bad dreams. Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad dreams. Disturbing bad horrible unpleasant bad bad dreams. And nasal congestion.

It's gonna be a late night I think, I'm feeling rattled, about several things. Generally impotence about how shit people can be and not knowing how I can help change things for the better.

I'm a gentleman with no wish to be snooty

I devote as much time as I can to the neglect of my duties ^.^

Sometimes I'll have a conversation or say something funny, and I think "am I really a depressive, have I really been sui*? Have I really been through what I have?" It shows I'm healing, but I've been broken for so long, it feels so weird. It's like such a huge part of my identity is fallen away when I get a glimpse through the cloud and see the sky. Not entirely unpleasant at all. Just very odd.

A friend destroyed me last night. Trigger warnings aren't just wishy washy molly coddling for special little snowflakes. He just launched into an old diary entry featuring self harm and it gave me a huge anxiety attack coz I was already really tired, ready for sleep. Need to have a talk with him today about that. Much anxiety this morning for those reasons >.<

I confess that I too am a bra warrior. And sock ninja.

Trigger warning for mentioning t*rture, but this is a positive status.

Facebook reminds me of my memories today. This is one of them:

The nightmares are happening almost every night now. Nazi dreams continue, tortured by hitler himself lsstbnight, leading to my firstvnight terror/sleep paralysis in 12 years. Tonight, lured into a demonic sect by a girl i once loved and imprisoned. Not sure what's causing these dreams. Maybe related to my trying to process my abuse and metaphorical demons. Getting harder to face going to bed and waking up last night i couldn't let myself go back to sleep for a while. Tonight i woke up in a panic, not knowing where i was. The hospitals a week late in arranging my next appointment to see them and the psychiatrist, feels like they're testing me, my willingness to engage. I'm drowsy at the wheel, but there's nobody to take over so i can rest, and sooner or later I'm gonna fall asleep.

The reason I share this is because that was a year ago, around the time I started hallucinating through lack of sleep. But it's a status of hope. I had five or six night terrors over two weeks, but by the last one, I knew what the feeling was, how it was building, and knew something terrifying was about to happen. I think I was at a funeral for my favourite aunt (who passed in 1998), and I knew it was coming. So I left the room. Lucid dreaming is awesome. I've not had a night terror since, touch wood. The mind learns new tricks. And regarding processing the abuse, it seems to have helped. I've made a huge amount of progress in the year since. So yeah. Stuff improves

Greet each day with a smile. An ominous smile. A knowing smile. Smile at the day until the sun returns to its horizon, scared and tired.

Feeling emotional today. Not in a bad way, I'm not upset exactly, I just feel slightly um.. brittle, I guess would be the best word for it. I think it's gonna be a weepy day. This is a good thing, I've had so much going on in my body, so much emotion, I've needed to cry for a couple of weeks. I think today will purge those feelings, it will be cathartic and healthy and afterward I'll feel a lot better.

I hope.

HEY YOU! YOU, READING THIS! You're awesome! Keep up the good work!

Guess who was so upset last night they forgot to take their "there's a chance you might sleep" meds? Bahhh

I try to be positive, I go out of my way to be energetic and friendly here because helping others makes me feel better myself, but tonight it's not happening. I'm so lonely in my life, I'm constantly ignored on okcupid, I'm thinking of the reason I'm here and how she has the other half of an amethyst pendant my dad gave me before he died and how wrong that feels.. I'm not teary yet but I'm feeling more fed up than I have for a long time. Something really has to give.

I have no regrets!

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He sipped his pumpkin spice latte before it was cool.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new liiiiiife foooor meeeeee

And I'm feeeeling .. perfectly average. Shan't complain. Got baked potato and cheese ^_^

Why is water an ingredient in shampoo? You're presumably using it while sat or stood in water...

Why do people only ever WRESTLE with their demons? Doesn't anyone ever have kung fu rap battles with their past or something? A game of riddles? A drink spiked with iocaine powder? Mix it up, people!

Very nervous, but the thing about nerves is it's the same physiological process as excitement, so I choose to see excitement and not fear. We'll see how justified that is shortly, I imagine :D Also, that ice cream was a terrible mistake, I forget how poorly my body responds. curses!