limbodante

"There was a time when I was hopeful, but now my dreams are dust."

"I feel pieces of my brain falling away like wet cake."

I think I'm literally losing my mind. I can feel reality slipping out of my hands.

In vino veritas

Never opened myself this way

Life is ours, let's live it our way

All these words I don't just say

And nothing else matters

A sexual assault-focused counselling agency got in touch yesterday to confirm I've been referred, but there's a long waiting list because people are scum and there are a lot of damaged folks who need their help. Fair enough. They provided a self help pamphlet in the meantime to tide me over. So far it's just telling me what sexual abuse is. Which I know already, which is why I got in touch with them regarding therapy to recover from it >< You ever get the feeling people just do nothing for the sake of doing something?

Sex ruins everything. Especially sex.

Had a good day. My lady is lovely and a good cuddler. Exhausted now. Will post about it later.

I hate the dreams where I have to fight but have forgotten martial arts ><

Getting that "walls are closing in" feeling. Just breathe.

Nothing to add. Just have a listen.

Saw the doctor about the flashbacks. Got given new meds. Nervous, but it's cheaper than self medicating with alcohol and nicotine. Wish me luck.

I see a lot of new members lately. Always happy to meet folks, but man, does it break my heart that so many people need this place

The chat! IT LIVES!

"When you're sitting in a movie theatre, and you're watching the screen, you're very involved in the drama. It's manipulating your emotions, the way you feel, the way you think. It's that lizard brain and the lemur brain, you're totally caught in the drama. And then you turn around and you look at the projector, and you realise that it's just flickering shadows and light, continually changing, and suddenly you've stepped out of the drama, and you realise you're free, you've stepped out of the drama. That's how mindfulness works. What a gift that is, to be able to ignore yourself." - Wes Nisker.

"Sometimes I'm like, "why am I still here?" but then I realise that I'm often the only person who's around to take bad-to-eat stuff out of my dog's mouth, and I think there's this Western idea of "if you're not CEO you're nothing special," but my dog is still alive because of me, and I'm still alive because of other people, so maybe I'm just here to pet cats and wear sweaters and help people take the class out of their mouth. Yknow? Maybe I won't be CEO, but maybe I'll be able to help somebody afford their trip home, and I think that's pretty ok, yknow?"

written by inkskinned on tumblr. I couldn't agree more. Saving lives feels less of an amazing thing than it is (I saved two last week alone and I still feel about as proud as if I do making a cup of tea for a guest :P) but it's good to remember that there are people still around to do their thing, animals still wagging their butts today, because of YOU.

Hype should be illegal. I went into that movie with such high hopes I now feel crushingly depressed for being let down so badly.

(tw) What's with all the flashbacks? Why has it started now? I'm just starting to get my life back on track a little, I've stopped drinking almost entirely, I've started to clean up my diet a bit, I'm exercising more, I'm trying to keep to a sleep schedule. Why can I not go a day anymore without remembering? Just settling down to be intimate with someone, I want to but I'm tired and not really into it, and it reminds me of when my abuser wouldn't accept no. I'm sick of this. I hope the letter comes soon from the hospital with my referral date. The thoughts of self harm aren't going away and the thoughts of a permanent escape are getting more appealing again. I have no intention but the thoughts won't shut the hell up.

Love. I hate it.

Ten hours to un-sprain my shoulder, or there's no fencing for Dante. No pressure, it's only the only thing that gets me through the week and chases all the demons away... *sigh*

I've just been told "he (Trump) isn't sexist or racist, do some research." I facepalmed so hard I may actually need surgery.

I can't put a finger on it, but it's there; like a splinter in my mind.

Good results from hospital. My relapse hasn't caused liver damage. Sadly my 10 day respite seems to have ended and the black dog's back to humping my leg.

Loving police shows + being triggerable = bad times.

Everyone should try historical fencing. SO MUCH FUN!