limbodante
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Status Updates posted by limbodante
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Not sure where to put this and it feels self indulgent to start a thread. I just wanted to apologise for some of my posts lately, I've been self righteous and aggressive and said some unreasonable, stupid stuff. If any of that's beendirected at you, dear reader, I'm very sorry. I could offer possible reasons, but they just feel like excuses. I hope I've not upset anybody beyond who got in touch with me. I'm better than this.
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Annoyed. Timing sucks. I was referred to abuse-specific counselling a couple of months ago. This past couple of weeks I've had debilitating digestive issues that have made it impossible to plan stuff, my sleeping pattern is wrecked, I'm afraid to go anywhere... and they phoned me this morning to arrange when we can start ><
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Timing is almost always awful haha. At least for me. My DS has been out of wack these past couple of months as well but I'm fine. I'm sorry it's debilitating. Make an appointment then you'll have something to get up and you know have a plan for whatever day. If I don't make an appointment right then then I never make it.
Safe hugs. Sorry if I sounded pushy
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Thank you both. I finally phoned, and the admin had gone home, so I had to wait for someone to get in touch with the lady who called me so she could phone me back. I'm going in next Thursday for my "clinical assessment," which she assures me is "nothing to worry about," as if anything with "clinical" in the sentence is a pleasant experience
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Feeling awkward? Self conscious? Check this out. I've been out three times today, shopping twice and to meet my brother. I came home, went to the bathroom, and as I catch my reflection in the mirror, realise when I shaved my head and face this morning... I missed a sideburn
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High alert last night. Sometime in the night the toilet seat randomly closed by itself and woke me up. A few seconds later the lid fell as well. One noise is an accident, two has me reaching for the stick next to my bed and creeping down the hall
Felt pretty foolish brandishing a club to my toilet. Laugh at me and cheer yourself up for a moment lol
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"Well, I still have my health
At least that's what they tell me
If wellness is this, what in hell's name is sickness? " - Amanda Palmer - runs in the Family
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Im dehydrated, sleep deprived and unwell, but today i gathered my stones and went to a buddhist center in the city, something I've been wanting to do for many years now
lovely foods and they have a library so i took out some books about the organisation, calming the mind, and one on forgiveness. I'll report back on my findings -
It seems a big part of it was anxiety. I caught the train back rather than the bus because there was a toilet option, but I didn't need it, and the fewer stops between me and home, the more relaxed and less unwell I felt. Of course, I downed a bottle of mountain dew on the train which may have helped. I feel ok now, just a bit woozy from today's exertion. Walked 8000 steps. May recover a bit then go walk over the meadow like I would if I had the dog, that should tip me over the 10000 steps target.
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When you speak, it is silent. When you're silent, it speaks.
Note to self: shut up from time to time
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I wonder about me and video games. In real life I'm easy going, compassionate, empathic to the point of my own suffering. I give people the benefit of the doubt, I assume the best in people, I'm sad when people hurt. Then I play a video game like Total War and I become ruthless, destroy their every unit so there's nobody alive to counterattack. I'm wondering which version is the real me. Give a man a mask and he'll show you his true self. Is the way I treat virtual opponents, where there's no consequence, who I am underneath this sagelike facade? Or is that only the purging of my lower self so I can BE this lovely chap I try to be? Ponderingments.
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Falling down the stairs is less fun than it looks in sitcoms.
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(tw)
I love the Post Atomic Horror podcast, but if I had a quid for every time they've said "r*pe gang" because it's in one character's backstory... I'd have a LOT of money right now. The word itself doesn't bother me too much but the more they say it the more it gets under my skin ><
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In the mood to reconnect with some people, so I look at a friend's friends list on facebook coz unlike me he kept in touch with people from school. Everyone's slim, good looking, healthy, got pictures with their kids or from their wedding, one of them's a freaking airplane pilot now.. I just wanted to say hi, now I'm feeling kinda worthless and inadequate, and how much I've messed up my life is painfully obvious
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The main thing that messes me up about this is that they have more than me and i want what they have. It messes with our identity i guess. There is a stress docu.entary that talks about this. I think he studied baboons. That there were these mean baboons that bullied the less macho baboons. And then some sort of poison killed the macho baboons. And the scientist was really sad cuz then he couldnt study the ones that died. But he continued to watch them. And he found that the bullied baboons were so much more happy and everyone got along. Bit the main thing bullies do is say look what i have and you dont. What my abuser has really messes with me. We have the same favorite color. She is a millionaire. She has fancy clothes. A prefect family. Fancy car. I still cant figure out how to stop wanting what she has. Is that how i heal? I still dont get it. I do know though that there is a type of tw rapist that wears flashy clothea and has a flashy car. Its kinda creepy. What is it that makes a mansion kinda creepy?
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I've been making a lot of mistakes lately, basic blunders and errors in judgement, and begun doubting myself horrendously. But last night someone thanked me for talking to them and said I really helped, and I cried. This is why I try. Thank you, that person, for your reassurance that I occasionally say the right thing
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aww you are aamzing you have been really good friend to me and have supported me loads and it really does mean alot to me i know not been on much but that is because i shut my self away because i cant deal with everything and all happening at once your amazing and you help so many people here @limbodante
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So here we go. Getting dressed. An hour to go before my appointment. Anaesthetic put in eyes and my eyeballs hugged by a machine to see if I'm gonna lose my vision anytime soon. I won't ask for prayer coz I don't believe in it, but I won't stop you. I'd appreciate any good vibes and voodoo you feel like sending my way today, I can't handle anything near my eyes, this is gonna be horrible regardless of the result
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Ah the machine checks the pressure, the other gives a more accurate reading to see how bad high pressure is. I'd much rather do the puff of air in the eye than need anaesthetic drops and a rod over my pupil. It was all set up downstairs, not needing it felt like telling her what she wanted to know so she didn't have o torture me for it ><
I had a fear of needles but then I got diabetes. Adapt or die, heh. I would've managed I guess if the eyes situation was serious but I'm glad I don't have to. Sorry about your trigger
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Current feelings: *knocks over jenga tower, pours petrol, sets fire, points at the mess*
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There's a special circle of hell that has clones of me punching them in the balls for all time for comedians who open a show with no preamble or warning by joking about abortion.
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If you can read this, you're awesome ^_^ Keep up the good work.
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Thinking thoughts, feeling feels
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If nothing ever lasts forever, then what's forever for?
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I told her someday, if she was my girl, I could change the world with my little songs. I was wrong.
Oh Dante. Bet you still looked handsome with one sideburn though.
doctors look but thy don't alway's see.
