limbodante

Trigger warning for mentioning t*rture, but this is a positive status.

Facebook reminds me of my memories today. This is one of them:

The nightmares are happening almost every night now. Nazi dreams continue, tortured by hitler himself lsstbnight, leading to my firstvnight terror/sleep paralysis in 12 years. Tonight, lured into a demonic sect by a girl i once loved and imprisoned. Not sure what's causing these dreams. Maybe related to my trying to process my abuse and metaphorical demons. Getting harder to face going to bed and waking up last night i couldn't let myself go back to sleep for a while. Tonight i woke up in a panic, not knowing where i was. The hospitals a week late in arranging my next appointment to see them and the psychiatrist, feels like they're testing me, my willingness to engage. I'm drowsy at the wheel, but there's nobody to take over so i can rest, and sooner or later I'm gonna fall asleep.

The reason I share this is because that was a year ago, around the time I started hallucinating through lack of sleep. But it's a status of hope. I had five or six night terrors over two weeks, but by the last one, I knew what the feeling was, how it was building, and knew something terrifying was about to happen. I think I was at a funeral for my favourite aunt (who passed in 1998), and I knew it was coming. So I left the room. Lucid dreaming is awesome. I've not had a night terror since, touch wood. The mind learns new tricks. And regarding processing the abuse, it seems to have helped. I've made a huge amount of progress in the year since. So yeah. Stuff improves