EmptyInside

I'm sorry you are struggling and things are so difficult. Keep fighting tho. You are worth it.

to you, if ok.

You are going to be able to do this. Please know that we are sitting with you.

Safe hugs  & sitting with u if ok?

I am so sorry EI that you are going through this. I don't have any words other than I will sit at night and have your back so you can get some restful sleep,

had this experience too. terrified to sleep, even though we kept telling ourselves that they were just dreams and nothing bad was really happening. even now i can't sleep without medicine. at least it works. i wish there was something that could help you sleep.

Thank you all, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond, that in itself is what’s powering me today! 

I am usually heavily medicated at night with medications that have a side affect of sleepiness plus one that helps to make me relax and to make me sleep (it doesn’t work when I’m going through proper insomniac phase. Damn, just realised I didn’t take any meds this morning as my routine was all out of whack. Oh well... won’t kill me lol.

As for the ‘nightmares’... I only called them than because I don’t honestly know how to classify them, the dream itself isn’t necessarily bad... if anything they tend to have a natural and happy and pretty positive feel to them... but when I wake up... it’s the realisation of it not being real or even possible that it heartbreaking. Don’t want to trigger anyone really but the dreams are of me being fairly heavily pregnant, the dream isn’t necessarily focussed on that exactly, it’s just accepted as being a fact. It’s how I feel in the dream though... I feel so happy and content and life is good and my parents are excited and loving and caring and I am included in their attentions along with my brothers rather than excluded like I am now because they aren’t proud of me nor are they interested in my life. Makes it difficult living with them.

I don’t really know what has suddenly triggered this bout of pregnancy dreams, I suspect I t’s related to the fact that I have an approaching therapy session where we are going to begin intensive EMDR processing of a trauma from when I was 16, a double trauma really... I was g*ng r*ped by three or four strangers which is the first trauma... the second is that I got pregnant from that trauma and refused to acknowledge it really and time passed and I was stupid and kept working on the farm, I got a hefty kick to the stomach from one of the animals (not it’s fault really) and that was that really. Very quickly realised I was going to miscarry, hung about the barn as long as I could and then someone had to walk out to the far fields to feed animals so I made sure it was me and got away from all people. I needn’t go into details... but it was a pretty horrific experience to go through.. especially alone. I had been reasonably far along as well, 5 months or so... I didn’t have a choice but to do what I did... I had to bury her. I see now I’m much older that there were other options and the really... my boss and her husband are actually really lovely people, they absolutely terrified me though... I’m gutted I didn’t feel I could trust them because they would have looked after me. I guess it kind of came down to the fact I didn’t want my parents to find out about anything, especially as the night of the attack they refused to pick me up and made me walk several miles home in the dark. They are somewhat responsible but I don’t want them to feel guilty, it won’t change anything. 

But it’s strange, whilst I always have these memories in my head, they are very rarely triggered as such so I deliberately don’t think about it unless it’s relevant. For it to suddenly start cropping up in my dreams now is unusual... I mean... I can’t actually remember the exact date of the m/c but I guess I know that is sometime around now... or at least in the last 2-3 weeks so maybe that’s it and I just didn’t realise how much it was affecting me. I am nervous about doing the EMDR but also I’m not, I trust my T completely and I’m the one that decided which trauma needed to be resolved next to whatever degree we can resolve it to. 

I don’t know... I hate waking up and that slow realisation that it was just a dream and laying there feeling totally heartbroken with tears running down my face. And then reality sets in and I remember that it will never happen because I can’t have children any more and it wouldn’t matter even if I could because I am never ever going to be intimate with anyone... I just can’t nor do I ever want to because I’m not interested.

Safe hugs  if ok?

doctors are good at that, I'm so sorry your in pain , been the same for me I pulled a muscle in my leg and it hurts badly.

I’m sorry you’ve hurt your leg my friend, I hope it heals fast!

Im giving up and getting up now, I’ve been awake all night yet again, not great as it’s my final group therapy today. I’m going to miss everyone  

Hey hope your doing ok today friend  .

Hey Free  all the better for knowing I have friends like you here. Still struggling but I’m just taking it easy today.

Hey  aww that's  really sweet of you to say.

sorry your still struggling, taking it easy is a good idea  

safe hugs  if ok?

Sitting with you @EmptyInside.  You are not alone.

Thank you @Hawkgirl

Feeling a little better today but still ‘woozy’

Know that you are never alone. We will be here to help you anytime.

Thank you! Happy belated birthday!!

Thank you very much! 

Safe hugs  if ok? 

Sitting with you if ok 

Hope ur okay?

Did something pretty stupid on Friday night and while I've been up and about, it's taken until now (Sunday night) to come to my senses only to discover I still feel SU

I'm really sorry. Hugs if ok 

Thank you both for your comments, it's really meant a lot to me..

Safe hugs  if ok?

hope your okay &I somewhere safe.

At home curled up on my bed but I can't stay still, doubt I'll sleep again tonight. I don't feel I'm in a safe place

Safe hugs & sitting with you if okay?  

Sitting with you and safe hugs to you if ok.  

I hope today is a better day for you. I'm sorry you feel so badly. I can relate to your feeling that people have abandoned you because you need them more now. considering what you're going through, I would not call you needy. What you're feeling is totally normal. if ok. AS is always here for you.

Thank you everyone 

It was a rough night and I'm not feeling much better today. Mostly I have just lay on my bed all day staring at the wall and crying. Feel so dead inside.

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I hope you begin to feeling better soon. 

Thank you LT and Painn, your well wishes mean a lot

I did feel better when I initially woke up but now I'm feeling awful again  

I'm sorry dear...make sure you drink plenty of fluids and try to get some rest.  I apologize the medical part of me pops out every now and then.  Safe hugs to you 

Thank you 

Your always welcome EI 

 if okay?

free  

I hear ya!  Here for you as well!  Safe if okay

Safe hugs  if okay?

Much appreciated as I don't feel very safe...

I understand, I don't feel so good today either , I keep switching off and staring into space & other triggers.

hope your okay  

Safe hugs  if okay?

& sitting with you anxiety is horrible I know it all too well myself  .

here for you if you need somebody.

free2fly  

Thank you Free2Fly, hugs much appreciated.

My mood was already on a downwards spiral and now my anxiety is so high its kind of going downhill faster. Though on the plus side my friends CT scan was reasonably clear, they think its meningitis and have been treating her as if it is.

thats good at least they know what it is.

feel free to message me if you need to talk or anything, I tend to be around most of the time & I will listen.  

Still sitting with you.

free2fly

Thank you my friend x

I've missed you too. No pressure to post though. Do what you can, nothin more. If lurking is helping, lurk away

Sorry you're feeling damaged and fragile. We're here for you

Thank you fallenstar, that means a lot. I am lurking for now but at same time feel so desperately isolated. But I can't talk to people... I don't know what to say... 

sending hugs

Sitting with you. if ok.

Thank you. It hasn't got any easier so i am going to a friends where i am safer.