Single Status Update
I am going through a phase of desperately needing a lot of sleep, hypersomnia. Except I can’t let myself sleep because nightmares. I can’t shake the effects of one from last week, it absolutely broke my heart and I can’t face the risk of having another like it. I’m so tired....
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Thank you all, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond, that in itself is what’s powering me today!
I am usually heavily medicated at night with medications that have a side affect of sleepiness plus one that helps to make me relax and to make me sleep (it doesn’t work when I’m going through proper insomniac phase. Damn, just realised I didn’t take any meds this morning as my routine was all out of whack. Oh well... won’t kill me lol.
As for the ‘nightmares’... I only called them than because I don’t honestly know how to classify them, the dream itself isn’t necessarily bad... if anything they tend to have a natural and happy and pretty positive feel to them... but when I wake up... it’s the realisation of it not being real or even possible that it heartbreaking. Don’t want to trigger anyone really but the dreams are of me being fairly heavily pregnant, the dream isn’t necessarily focussed on that exactly, it’s just accepted as being a fact. It’s how I feel in the dream though... I feel so happy and content and life is good and my parents are excited and loving and caring and I am included in their attentions along with my brothers rather than excluded like I am now because they aren’t proud of me nor are they interested in my life. Makes it difficult living with them.
I don’t really know what has suddenly triggered this bout of pregnancy dreams, I suspect I t’s related to the fact that I have an approaching therapy session where we are going to begin intensive EMDR processing of a trauma from when I was 16, a double trauma really... I was g*ng r*ped by three or four strangers which is the first trauma... the second is that I got pregnant from that trauma and refused to acknowledge it really and time passed and I was stupid and kept working on the farm, I got a hefty kick to the stomach from one of the animals (not it’s fault really) and that was that really. Very quickly realised I was going to miscarry, hung about the barn as long as I could and then someone had to walk out to the far fields to feed animals so I made sure it was me and got away from all people. I needn’t go into details... but it was a pretty horrific experience to go through.. especially alone. I had been reasonably far along as well, 5 months or so... I didn’t have a choice but to do what I did... I had to bury her. I see now I’m much older that there were other options and the really... my boss and her husband are actually really lovely people, they absolutely terrified me though... I’m gutted I didn’t feel I could trust them because they would have looked after me. I guess it kind of came down to the fact I didn’t want my parents to find out about anything, especially as the night of the attack they refused to pick me up and made me walk several miles home in the dark. They are somewhat responsible but I don’t want them to feel guilty, it won’t change anything.
But it’s strange, whilst I always have these memories in my head, they are very rarely triggered as such so I deliberately don’t think about it unless it’s relevant. For it to suddenly start cropping up in my dreams now is unusual... I mean... I can’t actually remember the exact date of the m/c but I guess I know that is sometime around now... or at least in the last 2-3 weeks so maybe that’s it and I just didn’t realise how much it was affecting me. I am nervous about doing the EMDR but also I’m not, I trust my T completely and I’m the one that decided which trauma needed to be resolved next to whatever degree we can resolve it to.
I don’t know... I hate waking up and that slow realisation that it was just a dream and laying there feeling totally heartbroken with tears running down my face. And then reality sets in and I remember that it will never happen because I can’t have children any more and it wouldn’t matter even if I could because I am never ever going to be intimate with anyone... I just can’t nor do I ever want to because I’m not interested.