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EmptyInside

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About EmptyInside

  • Rank
    Battling Onwards
  • Birthday 02/22/1988

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Berkshire, UK
  • Interests
    Psychology, photography, poetry and most of all... animals!

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  • Website URL
    http://
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Recent Profile Visitors

7,562 profile views
  1. I am going through a phase of desperately needing a lot of sleep, hypersomnia. Except I can’t let myself sleep because nightmares. I can’t shake the effects of one from last week, it absolutely broke my heart and I can’t face the risk of having another like it. I’m so tired....

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Field8

      Field8

      I am so sorry EI that you are going through this. I don't have any words other than I will sit at night and have your back so you can get some restful sleep,

    3. crushedflower

      crushedflower

      had this experience too. terrified to sleep, even though we kept telling ourselves that they were just dreams and nothing bad was really happening. even now i can't sleep without medicine. at least it works. i wish there was something that could help you sleep.

      :hug:

    4. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      Thank you all, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond, that in itself is what’s powering me today! 

      I am usually heavily medicated at night with medications that have a side affect of sleepiness plus one that helps to make me relax and to make me sleep (it doesn’t work when I’m going through proper insomniac phase. Damn, just realised I didn’t take any meds this morning as my routine was all out of whack. Oh well... won’t kill me lol.

      As for the ‘nightmares’... I only called them than because I don’t honestly know how to classify them, the dream itself isn’t necessarily bad... if anything they tend to have a natural and happy and pretty positive feel to them... but when I wake up... it’s the realisation of it not being real or even possible that it heartbreaking. Don’t want to trigger anyone really but the dreams are of me being fairly heavily pregnant, the dream isn’t necessarily focussed on that exactly, it’s just accepted as being a fact. It’s how I feel in the dream though... I feel so happy and content and life is good and my parents are excited and loving and caring and I am included in their attentions along with my brothers rather than excluded like I am now because they aren’t proud of me nor are they interested in my life. Makes it difficult living with them.

      I don’t really know what has suddenly triggered this bout of pregnancy dreams, I suspect I t’s related to the fact that I have an approaching therapy session where we are going to begin intensive EMDR processing of a trauma from when I was 16, a double trauma really... I was g*ng r*ped by three or four strangers which is the first trauma... the second is that I got pregnant from that trauma and refused to acknowledge it really and time passed and I was stupid and kept working on the farm, I got a hefty kick to the stomach from one of the animals (not it’s fault really) and that was that really. Very quickly realised I was going to miscarry, hung about the barn as long as I could and then someone had to walk out to the far fields to feed animals so I made sure it was me and got away from all people. I needn’t go into details... but it was a pretty horrific experience to go through.. especially alone. I had been reasonably far along as well, 5 months or so... I didn’t have a choice but to do what I did... I had to bury her. I see now I’m much older that there were other options and the really... my boss and her husband are actually really lovely people, they absolutely terrified me though... I’m gutted I didn’t feel I could trust them because they would have looked after me. I guess it kind of came down to the fact I didn’t want my parents to find out about anything, especially as the night of the attack they refused to pick me up and made me walk several miles home in the dark. They are somewhat responsible but I don’t want them to feel guilty, it won’t change anything. 

      But it’s strange, whilst I always have these memories in my head, they are very rarely triggered as such so I deliberately don’t think about it unless it’s relevant. For it to suddenly start cropping up in my dreams now is unusual... I mean... I can’t actually remember the exact date of the m/c but I guess I know that is sometime around now... or at least in the last 2-3 weeks so maybe that’s it and I just didn’t realise how much it was affecting me. I am nervous about doing the EMDR but also I’m not, I trust my T completely and I’m the one that decided which trauma needed to be resolved next to whatever degree we can resolve it to. 

      I don’t know... I hate waking up and that slow realisation that it was just a dream and laying there feeling totally heartbroken with tears running down my face. And then reality sets in and I remember that it will never happen because I can’t have children any more and it wouldn’t matter even if I could because I am never ever going to be intimate with anyone... I just can’t nor do I ever want to because I’m not interested.

  2. New to this...

    Welcome to AfterSilence!! We are glad to have you here although deeply saddened that you needed to join at all I hope you can find the support and advise you are looking for! I’d advise that you just spend time browsing the forums that you relate to and see what other people have been able to talk about and get ‘comfortable’ before diving in and sharing your own story, which is a very hard thing to do and can bring up some difficult emotions. Good luck
  3. Am absolutely besides myself with pain today. Doctors are all deciding what wrong with me but won’t help me. So much pain it’s making me sick and trembly and I’ve been on the verge of a full on hyperventilating panic attack all day.

    1. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      doctors are good at that, I'm so sorry your in pain , been the same for me I pulled a muscle in my leg and it hurts badly.

    2. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      I’m sorry you’ve hurt your leg my friend, I hope it heals fast!

      Im giving up and getting up now, I’ve been awake all night yet again, not great as it’s my final group therapy today. I’m going to miss everyone :( 

  4. Keep fighting onward and upward!  We will win eventually! 

    1. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      Thank you for your kind and very correct words, Nirvana. I know we’ll get there eventually but it sure is tough getting there.

  5. Why do we have no friends 😢

    why when we need them do they all go away? So sad! So sad...

    1. Show previous comments  11 more
    2. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Hey hope your doing ok today friend :) .

    3. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      Hey Free :) all the better for knowing I have friends like you here. Still struggling but I’m just taking it easy today.

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Hey :blush: aww that's  really sweet of you to say.

      sorry your still struggling, taking it easy is a good idea :) 

      safe hugs :hug: if ok?

  6. Dissociation is bad. Feel so lost in time. Everything has been all distorted for months and I can’t seem to get a grip :( 

    1. Hawkgirl

      Hawkgirl

      Sitting with you @EmptyInside.  You are not alone.:candle:

    2. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      Thank you @Hawkgirl

      Feeling a little better today but still ‘woozy’

    3. Field8

      Field8

      Know that you are never alone. We will be here to help you anytime.

  7. :sadang:Nobody should feel so unbearably sad on their birthday...

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      Thank you! Happy belated birthday!!

    3. heartofamethyst

      heartofamethyst

      Thank you very much! 

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs :hug: if ok? 

  8. I'm sorry xx

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. LuthienTinuviel

      LuthienTinuviel

      Sitting with you if ok 

    3. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Hope ur okay?

    4. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      Did something pretty stupid on Friday night and while I've been up and about, it's taken until now (Sunday night) to come to my senses only to discover I still feel SU

  9. I wish someone could help me. I feel so unbearably bad I don't know what to do with myself...

    1. Annie7

      Annie7

      sitting with you if you like, i know the feeling all too well 

    2. LuthienTinuviel

      LuthienTinuviel

      I'm really sorry. Hugs if ok 

    3. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      Thank you both for your comments, it's really meant a lot to me..

  10. Hi and welcome Thank you for your introduction, I hope that you find us all a welcoming bunch and that we can follow your journey of discovery and healing.
  11. Really agitated. Can't stay still. Can't stop flashbacks. Can't cope. 

    1. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      hope your okay &I somewhere safe.

    2. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      At home curled up on my bed but I can't stay still, doubt I'll sleep again tonight. I don't feel I'm in a safe place

    3. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs & sitting with you if okay? :hug: 

  12. Feeling so overwhelmed and Sui. So.. so.. alone.. it's at times like this that I feel there is nobody I can turn to 

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Painnbroken

      Painnbroken

      Sitting with you and safe hugs to you if ok.  

    3. fallenstar

      fallenstar

      I hope today is a better day for you. I'm sorry you feel so badly. I can relate to your feeling that people have abandoned you because you need them more now. considering what you're going through, I would not call you needy. What you're feeling is totally normal. :hug:if ok. AS is always here for you.

    4. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      Thank you everyone :hug:

      It was a rough night and I'm not feeling much better today. Mostly I have just lay on my bed all day staring at the wall and crying. Feel so dead inside.

  13. Typical... just what I need... a massive chest infection on a bank holiday so no Drs open. Especially as one of my main triggers is struggling to breathe....

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Painnbroken

      Painnbroken

      I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I hope you begin to feeling better soon. :getwell:

    3. EmptyInside

      EmptyInside

      Thank you LT and Painn, your well wishes mean a lot :)

      I did feel better when I initially woke up but now I'm feeling awful again :( 

    4. Painnbroken

      Painnbroken

      I'm sorry dear...make sure you drink plenty of fluids and try to get some rest.  I apologize the medical part of me pops out every now and then.  Safe hugs to you 

  14. Its depressing when you realise you have someone to turn to for nearly everything but when it boils down to it and things get tough... there's nobody there for you...

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. EmptyInside
    3. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Your always welcome EI 

      :hug::hug::hug: if okay?

       

      free :butterfly: 

    4. Painnbroken

      Painnbroken

      I hear ya!  Here for you as well!  Safe :hug:if okay

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