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Ellaneese

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Posts posted by Ellaneese

    I Feel So Lost, And I Finally Wandered Back

    in Public: Welcome!

    Posted

    I haven't really posted much at all in MONTHS. I've had such a hard time posting or even accepting that my resurfacing memories were anything more that a really bad dream.

    I needed to get away from it, and I managed to put it out of my mind, but without talking about it it seems to have crept up upon me, and attcked when I leat expected it.

    I need to come back though. I need support. I am now offically a "secondary survivor" as well. My husband started to remember things. I suspected for awhile, but I didn't know. It makes me so mad. It seems so unfair that he would have to go through what he did, and he finally started to open up about some of his deepest most heartwrenching childhood emotions. Emotions that I know all too well.

    I have a million emotions, the biggest is that I want to hide and cry, but at the same time I want to rip the throat out of whoever did that to the only person who has ever truly loved me in my life.

    I feel so angry!!! I feel so hurt!!! I feel like life simply cannot be fair. Why? Why did it have to happen to him?!!? Of all the people in the world...why him? Take me a million more times but please, not him.

    I want to take the little boy he was and hold him close, and just protect him, and I feel so afraid, I mean, I feel like somehow him being attacked makes him less of a protecor, like he's a victim and not a guardian, I NEED to be protected, and now i feel so vulnerable, and I feel ashamed for feeling that.

    I don't know how to help him, and still recieve the strength from him that I need.

    I know that when it first hits you, you can't really do much, you just FEEL. and I need support, and a shoulder to cry on because I hurt both for him and myself now.

    I just feel so scared.

    :cry:

    Sorry I didn't mean to go on like that. I guess I really needed to come back.

    any replies would be so helpful to me, just to know that you heard me, to know that I am not alone. Thanks.

    :throb: Ellaneese

    Invalidation. Words Can Hurt!

    in Public: Pretty Good Year

    Posted

    My Mother who still says that my abuse NEVER happened was trying to convince me of that, I have very little memory of my abuse and I don't know exactly where or who and she says it couldn't have happened then she said:

    "I just don't see how it's possible, unless it happened at someone else's house and you enjoyed it so much you kept going back for more"

    I hung up the phone, I thought I would die.

    I had a friend that I told about my abuse......the first (and only) I've told since I moved here.

    She said

    "well, my father raped me for 3 years and I made peace with him and my mother who never left him, so i don't know what your problem is"

    I find it hard to beleive that is true........if she was abused, she'd know how it feels

    :throb: Ellaneese

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