Ardatha
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Posts posted by Ardatha
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Have you downloaded and installed the latest version of java? They just came out with a new one. Also what operating system are you using? I've found Windoze Vista does not like java. Had to switch to Firefox for chatting. Luck!
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Yes, unfortunately, the view count is very misleading. Every time that topic is looked at, it's considered a 'view.' If you go back to check replies your 'view' is counted too. If someone else reads then doesn't reply but maybe goes back to check for others' replies, that's more views. Add to that anyone who has replied going back to check the replies and it mounts quickly. And some people get more from reading our posts and have nothing to reply with. If we could look at it the way Todlyn does, maybe it would be better for us. Not everyone who reads a post has the time or might not be in a place to respond. Besides, if everyone who viewed wrote a reply do you know how long it would take to get through this forum each day??? LOL We'd all do nothing but read posts and reply every single day. The world would come to a grinding halt!
I hope you're able to take a step back and not take the view count personally. I'm like you in that I think it's unneccesary and wish there was a way to disable it. Especially on a support forum like this because it can and does engender negative feelings.
Meg
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Generally when you change your avatar but still see the old one, just click on the refresh button. IE stores these things on your computer as cookes, true, but you don't need to remove them to fix the problem. (I have many cookies with logon information on my computer and clearing the cookies gets rid of all the information.) Also, if you know someone has changed their avatar but you're still seeing the old one, click on the refresh button and you should then see the new one. That will swap out the avatar photo in the cookie file... much like updating.
Meg
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When you are typing a post online, typically the server or website will record that as no activity. If you've set your browser to disconnect after a certain amount of time of inactivity, it will consider posts that take longer to finish as inactivity. Also, it could be a setting your server has. Or even the forum software. I know if I am typing a post on our forum, which is also Invision, and go too long it will treat it as if I've been idle the whole time.
I hope you find out what the problem is. Gentle cyberhugs.
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You might need to set your browser to accept cookies. That's how the "remember me" works.
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I think what I’m most angry about is that this man from her past is interfering with the way we interact as a couple. I think that a relationship should be between 2 people, and it doesn’t seem right to have this other guy floating around affecting everything we do.
Hun, we are all products of our environments, shaped by the people we've encountered and interacted with so there really is no true relationship between just 2 people. No disrespect intended at all, honestly, but it's been my experience that the more scientific degrees a person has, the less clue they have about people's hearts. People are not experiments to be solved with logic.
We are the product of our environments and there are no two alike because our experiences are filtered through our minds, tempered by our unique personalities, for lack of a better word. Remember what I said about you can't "fix it?" Even though she says she's forgiven the guy she still has to process what happened to her. This takes some time, each person recovering at his or her own rate. Recovery does happen so take heart in that. However, she is the one responsible for her healing and you can't make it happen. What you can do is to help her in any way you can which may mean being a lot more tolerant of what she's going through right now. Your reactions can have a big impact on how she's feeling and how she progresses through it.
I do have a concrete suggestion for you though. Remember those books I mentioned? It could be very helpful for you to read them as well as good books written just for secondary survivors. I can't think of any of those right off the top of my head but I know there are several out there. You could google for them though. They, more than anything else, will give you great information, if nothing else, about what she's going through and how you can most effectively help.
My husband is a secondary survivor and, in the early years, went through a lot of my healing. How we survived is a minor miracle to me. He is very patient, kind, loving, and nurturing which I believe are the qualities that allowed him to stick with me through the worst of it. He'd tell you it's definitely worth it, though. I'm not sure I'd agree because in the end he's "stuck" with me.
What he did was hold me when I cried, listened to me when I vented, and gave me the space I needed when I needed it. He's been my anchor through it all and I am so glad he was there. I know it's hard to hear advice that seems so contradictory and inconsistent, but there really is no hard and fast rule for loving and being there for a survivor. Maybe loving like it's described in 1st Corinthians is the way to go, especially the kind and patient part. Best of luck to you and your lady. If you can't get her to go to therapy, then read the books.
Meg
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Might possible trigger so be safe when you read it. Hopefully it won't but just in case...
A few suggestions for you have come to mind.
It's quite common for survivors of SA to feel dirty, shamed, damaged, broken, and worthless, which is why it's so difficult for them to speak about what happened. They're afraid that in the eyes of others they'll seem to be nothing more than trash. Frequently, they will even blame themselves and feel guilty. All of these negative inner thoughts make it just that much harder to talk about to anyone, but especially someone we love. That's the last person you want to show your rotten inner core to. If you've ever done anything incredibly "stupid," like putting the ice cream in the refrigerator and discovering it 8 hours later, then you have possibly felt just an iota, a smidgeon, an infitesimal amount of chagrin, dismay, self revulsion, and self loathing that a survivor feels on a daily basis. But survivors feel these things intensely for every second of their waking hours and most often during their sleep too... ie nightmares. Try to be understanding when she can't talk about these things. Not understanding as in you understand but as in it's understandable that she feels this way because it's pretty much what every one of us have gone through or are going through.
The second thing is that you can't "fix" it. Or her. It seems to be a pretty typical reaction of loving partners that they want to destroy the subhuman who did this to their loved one, but that's not really going to help matters much. What she needs more than that is acceptance. Accept that you aren't supposed to fix anything but also let her know you are always going to be there when she needs you. Reassuring her that no matter what happened to her, you will always love her because things that happen to her are not her fault, nor is she responsible for them.
Hold her when she cries but give her space when she needs it. Sounds confusing as hell, I know, but it's what is needed to give her a healthy "space" to heal.
And, as others have said, don't neglect yourself. If you feel angry about what happened that's perfectly normal and okay. You can even tell her how you feel about what happened to her as long as you make it very clear that you don't feel any anger towards her. And please don't feel any anger towards her. She's dealing with a boatload of aftermath, and needs all the gentle, patient love you can give her. You might also find it beneficial to let her know whenever you're feeling negative emotions that she is not the cause of them... in relation to her SA I mean. If you're having other problems or issues, then you're on your own.
And, of course, there's therapy. If she won't go then perhaps you can suggest some reading material that others may suggest here. Courage to Heal is one of the best and I also like Women Who Love Too Much, but that's my personal thing. It does have good information in it but may not be pertinent to her situation.
Sorry to make this so long but you did ask.
Take gentle care of yourself and your sweet lady.Meg
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I have -1...
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Down the railroad tracks from where we lived was an apple orchard with the best apples in the world on those trees. We would usually saunter down there for an apple snack several times a week, and the owner didn't seem to mind as there were a lot of trees and only a few of us. And we were never greedy. Then one afternoon, sitting in the apple trees, enjoying an apple we realized there was an addition to the orchard. His bull. Oops. I guess he got tired of us filching the apples after all! LOL We sat there a good long time waiting for that bull to leave. And that was probably our last trip to the orchard! LOL Did you know that bulls get a little annoyed when you throw apples at them?
Meg
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How weird is that, at the time these memories came from we were living very close to the Bradwell Nuclear Power Station, we used to ride the ponies down by there ..for many years my grandparents lived near Humboldt Bay Nuclear Power Plant.BTW ... I haven't seen any glowing lights yet Meg so I think you may have got away with it ..
Oh, how funny is that? We couldn't get horses across the fence but the bare ground made for some great softball! LOL
I have a music one, too, today. It's more recent but it's a song that never fails to put a smile on my face and get my toes to tapping. It's by Garth Brooks and it's called "It's Midnight, Cinderella" Everything about that song is upbeat and has me giggling before it's over... especially "by the way he's walking we can guess where your slipper's at..." LOL
Meg
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the place virtually fell down on its own once it no longer had all that around it supporting the structure!
hahahahahahahahahaha!!! Are you sure it wasn't all the kids in the neighborhood that contributed??? LOL
Speaking of fun places to play... for many years my grandparents lived near Humboldt Bay Nuclear Power Plant. We kids would sneak over their fence to play in this really neat bare field where virtually nothing ever grew. The power company guards would run us out every time the found us in there. Many years later I learned that was the dumping grounds for the nuclear waste. No wonder not much grew there. I suppose I should go check in the mirror to see if I'm glowing in the dark yet!
Nope, not glowing yet!
Meg
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ROFL Ihavemadeit!!! You reminded me of the horse poo fights we used to have! You start out with the really dry ones that don't have much smell left to them anymore and as feelings become angrier you start looking for the ploppier ones! Hmmm... and they say country kids can't have any fun! LOL (laughing hysterically) We got really creative with horse poo as we were growing up!!!
Meg
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((((Mami))))
Welcome to AS, dear one. I hope you find solace and safe haven here, as so many have in the past.
Meg
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LOL My first love was horses, too!
In fact I think my earliest memory is of being on my aunt's horse. I know I was less than a year and a half old because that's when we moved to Alaska. This would have been before then as my aunt lived in California, where I was born and lived the first year and a half of my life. I was sitting in the saddle, with my father beside the horse, holding onto me in case I should fall. I was both thrilled and terrified. Although I was terrified of being up so high, I was delighted to be sitting on a horse. Evidently, I have truly loved them "all of my life." LOL Maybe someday I'll post a memory about my favorite horse. He was my 'wings.' And an angel, to boot. I still miss him and it's been over 20 years. (sigh)
Meg
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When I was about 10 years old, my father went to the store with my grandparents, leaving my mother and me with my brothers. We were listening to the phonograph, which was a 'portable' one in those days, and much bigger than a boombox. It was sitting on the floor in front of where I was sitting on the couch. I heard a tapping on the window and looked out to see a Frankenstein face staring through the window at me. I screamed, jumped over the phonograph and headed down the hall, right behind my mother who had been galvanized to action by my scream. For some reason both of us were heading for the bathroom, and trying to get through the door at the same time!
My father came through the front door, laughing hysterically at us trying to get through the door together, holding a rubber Frankenstein mask in his hand!!! He had decided it would be fun to play a joke on us, but we weren't laughing at all!!! Both my mother and I were so pissed at him! Years later, it is funny, but at the time, I nearly died of fright. And the record didn't even skip a beat when I jumped over the phonograph, which meant I cleared it with my leap!!! Amazing what fear will do for you!!!
The next day my father put on a Yogi Bear mask and rode my brother's 'Stingray' bicycle around in the street, looking just like the bike riding bears you see in the circus. He had us all in stitches. While all his practical jokes weren't always funny, sometimes he could be hilarious.
Meg
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PS - I do like this thread. It's so much fun to read and participate in!
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(((Ihavemadeit)))
I grew up on the coast of northern California and your memory brought to mind all the many days spent on the beach and the various activities we enjoyed there. Roaring bonfires where we roasted hot dogs and had lovely picnics with friends and family, riding horseback and atv's along the surf, days spent running with my dog, and the many times I took my children to the beach. It was a fishing community so times spent down on the docks watching the fishing boats go out and come in, also came to mind. Thanks for sharing that one. It definitely brought back wonderful memories of my own.
One of my favorite memories of the ocean was galloping my horse along the surf, hearing the shrill cry of the sea gulls and watching flocks of them take wing as we approached. The sun and the breeze from the ocean would make the temperatures perfect for horseback riding. The clear skies and sunshine seemed to be counterpoint to the breakers that rolled in from the ocean. At those times I felt so very much alive!!!
Meg
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PS - this thread still puts a smile on my face whenever I read it. Let's hope it does everyone else.
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(((Catherine)))
Your story about Christmas reminded me of this one. It's a little long and at first seems rather sad but the ending is wonderful, so bear with me please.
When I was 9 years old we lived in Texarkana, Arkansas for a while. My father had trouble finding work so Christmas that year was going to be really poor. My parents talked to me about it and I was okay with that. The only thing I wanted that year for Christmas anyway was a pair of plastic pretend high heels. They were a shiny pink and gorgeous. My little heart lusted after them with everything I had. Every time we went to the store I would go right to where they were in the toy section.
Sure enough under the Christmas tree appeared one gift for each of us kids. Mine was a wedge shaped package so I just knew it was those pretend high heels. (I guess I must have loved playing dress up around that time.) Each day I would sit and stare at that package, waiting eagerly for Christmas to get there so I could play with my high heels. I daydreamed about how grown up I'd look and how cool it would be to have a pair of high heels all my own.
Christmas morning finally arrived and I tore into my present with eager glee! Finally, I would get my pretend high heels. Imagine my bitter disappointment when my present turned out to be a binder for school. I was devastated, despondent and so disappointed that I had a very hard time hiding it from my parents. I know they felt bad for me and I was really too young to try to comfort them and let them know that I understood. It was probably the saddest Christmas I ever had.
Fast forward some 43 years later, to Christmas of 2004. My daughter and her family had moved to New York to be close to me and one of my greatest joys is having the family all together for Christmas. They were at our place that year and, of course, they brought their presents for us with them and we had theirs waiting for them. My daughter handed me my present and said I had to open it immediately.
Of course, I didn't quite tear into it with the enthusiasm of a child, but I made short work of the wrappings. Imagine my sheer delight and profound joy when I beheld... you guessed it, a pair of pretend plastic high heels. I looked at my daughter with tears in my eyes and said the only thing I could think of to say, "Thank you." My heart overflowed with joy and my soul felt truly happy that day. I still look at those play high heels often and thank God for my daughter. She truly is one in a million and I'm lucky to be her mother.
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My Grandfather was a foreman at a local quarry and he got permission to show us around .. And we watched them blow a side of the quarry up! AMAZING, the sight of the rocks blasting and the noise when it hit was just a childs dream!
Not to mention the noise of the explosion. How exciting and thrilling that must have been for you!
My father drove heavy equipment, road building machinery and so forth. (Again, safety laws were not what they are now) As a kid he used to take me with him on some of the big earth moving equipment. The ride was always bouncy and bumpy, and the noise from the machines was incredible. No wonder he was always partially deaf by the end of the season. (They didn't work in the winter.) To a kid, sitting on that huge piece of equipment was awesome, believe me! It was always so cool when I could go along with him.
Meg
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This is a lovely thread, both for sharing memories and for reading. It puts a smile on my face when I read what has been written so far. In fact I like it so much I have to contribute too!
When I was a teenager we lived in a small town in the northern Calfornia coastal mountain range. It was my mother, my brother about 12 years old, and my stepfather Roy. Somewhere Roy had gotten hold of one of those old American Flyer wagons, the big one. Behind the house was this great trail leading to the woods. It was a lazy, sunny, warm afternoon and for some reason, a bunch of my friends, my brother and I decided it would be great fun to ride this wagon down the trail. Oh, man, we had a blast!!! The trail had a few turns that were rather precarious to navigate in that wagon but doable. Needless to say there were numerous crash and burns but we spent the whole afternoon at it! The wagon was big enough we could sit in it, put our feet at the front, hold onto the handle for dear life, and go like the wind!!! The handle wasn't really much good for steering but we tried anyway! LOL Unfortunately the wagon didn't survive the afternoon's beating it took but we had such great fun that my stepfather wasn't too annoyed. (I think he had plans for the wagon but neglected to mention it to us... ) After all, this was a time when teenagers were usually out doing drugs, drinking or raising hell, and we'd been 'peacefully' occupied all afternoon! It was so much fun watching a bunch of 'cool teenagers' acting like little kids, laughing so hard we nearly wet ourselves at times!
Meg
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(((Ann)))
The only dumb questions are the ones that go unasked. Cookies, computer wise are bits of information this computer stores on your computer, usually for identification but can also be used to track your progress around the internet. The ones this program uses are harmless and simply remember your information each time you 'log on.' That's what the "remember me on this computer" button does when you click on it. That's why you don't always have to go throug log on if you have clicked that option.
When you delete all cookies, you're taking all the information off your computer put there by other computers for various reasons. If you delete all cookies set by this board you won't be able to be automatically logged on when you come here. If you're on a public computer, that's a good idea. On your own computer you might allow the cookies, as long as you don't mind others who can use your computer being able to get into this site. On my computer, I allow cookies from this forum because I'm the only one who uses it.
As I mentioned some sites put information on your computer so they can track your progress around the internet. Some regard this as a grievous invasion of privacy, which it is, especially if they don't tell you they are doing it. Many popup blockers will prevent cookies from being allowed on your computer, unless you tell them to allow a cookie from a trusted site. If you google cookies you'll probably find more complete information than I've given you. This is an 'in a nutshell' answer.
Meg
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Haullie, don't feel bad because it had me confused too.
Lindy, that's a great idea! Now if the "make a donation" button could be deemphasized a bit or something so people would see the link first or at the same time... oh well, we'll take what we can get, eh?
Meg
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Oops, nevermind. I think you're better off doing it through the store. Provincia means county or state, but the only choices look Italian. Paese is country but there's no choice for the USA. I took a bit of Spanish a million years ago and was able to read most of the page but my vocabulary is soooo rusty that I'm not sure I read it right. Maybe someone speaks fluent Italian and can translate for us?
Meg
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I look forward to getting to know you.
(((Kayte)))
Welcome to AS. This is a great place for survivors to find support, understanding, and companionship. I'm sorry you need to be here but hope you find what you're looking for. Safe, gentle, warm supportive cyberhugs to you, dear one.
The friend I chose to confide in (a guy that I trusted at the time), was ever so sweet and supportive... then a year later he was arrested for raping a 65 year old woman. I uh, threw up.Talk about adding a whole new meaning to the phrase "With friends like that who needs enemies?" doesn't it? Well, you had no clue when you confided in him, I'm sure. How were you to know? It's not like he wore a sign or had it tattoed prominantly on his person. Try not to feel too badly about that one, sweetie. Can't blame you for that reaction either. I think I would have reacted the same way!
I hope you enjoy your time spent here and find new friends to help you along your healing journey.
Meg
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It takes a stronger person to know when they need help and seek it out than it does to simply ignore it until it hopefully goes away. Strength of character is often confused with physical strength and it does not matter how physically strong a person is if their strength of character is lacking. To know oneself and understand that seeking support is not exposing weakness. To stand up for one's beliefs and do the right thing requires an enormous amoung of courage and strength. To face down the odds, regardless of what others may think, say, or do... that is to show great strength and enormous courage.
Courageous people are not without fear. Instead they understand their fear and know their limitations. They will be the first ones to accept help in times when they are the most courageous. Hun, you are not exposing weakness when you reach out for the assistance it sometimes takes to deal with the tough situations our lives tend to throw in our paths. What you are truly doing is seeking guidance for a part of your path that has become obscured and potentially harmful. There is no shame in that.
I hope I've made some sense here in what I'm trying to say. Darned drugs... they do help with the pain but make my thoughts a little foggy sometimes. I can see it clearly in my head but getting it down on "paper," as it were... that's a whole 'nother ball game.
Anyway, welcome to After Silence. This is an enormously supportive and encouraging community of people who've pretty much been where you've been and seen what you've seen. Most importantly though... you are not alone.
Meg
Problems With The Board?
in Public: Feedback Dropbox
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Invision is in the process of switching servers so that could be why the problems. Our forum is on Invision's servers and was down last night through this morning for the move. Hopefully they are all done with that now and functioning fully.