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  1. You belong here Whiteraven. It is common to feel that way and question what really happened. Keep sharing when you feel comfortable. After silence is a wonderful resource.
  2. Nathalie, my goodness, you definitely belong here. That is so traumatic and heartbreaking and a very complex issue to cope with alone. I started therapy 7 months ago and had a lot of suppressed memories come to the surface in a very fragmented and terrifying way. I was a mess for 3 months and just desperate to get to therapy each week to try and sort it all out. The crisis has definitely passed for me now thank goodness. I agree with what others have said about writing each thing you remember. Write even small fragments if that's all you have. It truly does seem to free up your mind for t
  3. Alongroad


    Oh gosh I'm so sorry. I think most everyone on here can relate to most if not all of what you are saying. I've experienced rape the way you have (yes that is definitely rape even if you weren't screeming or doing whatever else you wish you would have done). I want you to know that from my perspective the rape where I was more frozen and didn't respond the way I wish I would have was a more traumatic for me. I was also younger like you and I think that's why I froze. That man is definitely a perpetrator. No question in my mind. He preyed on your youth and intoxication. Please find a loving and
  4. Alongroad

    My story

    I'm so sorry to read this. It's good to get it out of you. Write and talk as much as you can. Secrets very quickly become demons. It's amazing how talking takes the power away from it somehow. I wish you much luck in your healing.
  5. We are willing listeners whenever you are ready! Welcome!
  6. Welcome to AS. I don't think group therapy is a requisite for healing. You will find what works for you! You will be amazed at how much everyone can relate to each other just on this online forum.
  7. I've been there James. Very similar experience this winter, I'm only now starting to find my way back to my life. New memories are revolting. Admiting this new disgusting identity is the worst. It is part of me so I am learning to accept it. Learning how it shaped my life for better and worse. It's actually not all bad for me. Some of the decisions I made based on fear were very wise. The strength I gained is immeasurable. The empathy of have for others now is much more vast. I hope you have a similar or easier experience.
  8. Welcome Louise5! Nice to have the company.
  9. Welcome!! I look forward to hearing your story when and if you are ready to tell. I love your positive outlook. I still get afraid of nightmares or thinking too much so I take Valium at night. You are reminding me that this is delaying healing. It's another form of hiding. I will taper this off. Thank you.
  10. Mary, YOU are awesome!! I was so overcome with fear just two months ago. I was in denial for well over 10 yrs and then had a terrible flashback that crippled me with PTSD. I never thought Id find my way back to my beautiful life, but I have. It was a torturous two months of soul searching but I do feel better. And for the record, I will never tell my family. I just don't have that kind of relationship with them and honestly I don't want them to blame themselves. I guess I just don't feel the need to tell them. But I've told my husband and all of my dear girlfriends. For me, those are the peopl
  11. I recently had a 'coming out party' as you say and that is exactly what it felt like. I have never been able to say "I was raped" out loud and look them in the eye, so I wrote my loved ones an email. The first time I saw someone after sending the email I thought I was going to be sick. But it was OK. And each time got easier. At this point I've told everyone that needs to know and I feel tremendous relief. I can almost say that I am at peace with it now. Just two weeks ago I was crippled with PTSD. I think coming out with it and getting comfortable with this identity has done wonders for my an
  12. I'm so sorry Sara. It seems to me that no matter if it was a stranger rape, husband rape, violent, or not, a common theme among victims is we all feels it's our fault. Take as much of the support from the hospital as you can. We are all here to help and listen.
  13. I've been having thoughts of leaving my family too and it's shocking to me. I have always been so in love with my husband, my kid, and my life in general but this bout of PTSD is making me want to run away. I think my family is probably better off without me right now. I must be really losing it because I've always felt very grateful... PTSD brings you to some dark places. Take good care of yourself. I wish I had advice. I'm trying to stay optimistic but it's scary to think I wont be able to shake this.
  14. We've all been there. I was triggered in November and I feels like my life has fallen apart. It's very hard to function with such a heavy weigh crushing you. So much darkness. It will get better. Triggers after long periods of denial can turn your world upside for a minute. You are fully capable of coming back to the other side and finding joy again. Believe it. You just need to walk a though this journey first. When you are ready, write us your story. We are listening without judgement and here to support you.
  15. This happened to me when I was 14. I was stoned and fell asleep at my girlfriends house. Her brother also had an older friend over and throughout the night he came into our room and slowly started undressing us. The last time he came in he put his fingers between my legs. In the morning I told my girlfriend and she went out there and started screaming at him. I just sat quietly. To this day I am stunned by my reaction. The boy ended up going to juvenile hall for a couple years because he was caught molesting the kids he was babysitting. I hardly put this on my list of traumas because I felll i
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