Goewin

So, another family member of mine is sick, possibly dying, and I am having bad dreams about my abuser potentially being at the funeral. 

My father let me know that he was keeping my abuser up to date on the situation, and that was so frustrating. I want to be glad that this family member is loved but I also don't want to know about my abuser or want them in my life. 

I am trying hard to let go of the worry, and let go of the expectations. What comes will come, what goes will go. 

Anyone have advice?

recently I attended a meeting where someone mentioned taking responsibility for the things in their life. This included some abuse (unspecified) that they had suffered as a child. This person said that they (understandably) struggled with the part that they had to play in such an occurrence and then said this: "I came to understand that I was not responsible in any way for the abuse I suffered, but I was responsible for holding on to it so long, and not seeking help when I needed it." 

I have long been struggling with what parts of my abuse I should take responsibility for, and I feel like this is the answer. At no point in my childhood could I be reasonably expected to protect myself or understand the abuse fully. For that I have no blame, but when I did fully understand it then became my responsibility to do the best to take care of myself and heal my own wounds. I feel confident that I don't blame myself for not taking action sooner, there were many factors that caused me to hesitate, but now I need to make sure that I do the right thing by myself, that I protect myself as best I can and that I am responsible for my actions going forward, including seeking help. 

Staying in therapy has been SO HARD over the past few months. I've had trouble with physical health, insurance, and depression all getting in the way. I'm still here though. I am so grateful that I have stayed, though, because it has helped me maintain the healing I've worked for, rather than backsliding at this troublesome time. 

Been having a hard time recently. I've been doing  dbt with my T and clinic... But I feel like most of those skills are for when your emotions/feelings don't fit the facts... But what about when they do? Planning about asking T for advice tomorrow. 

Having a really hard time... I haven't gone to work in three days and I'm trying to come to terms with my childhood being mostly lies and pretending things were okay :<

so, My grandfather died and my abuser is coming to the funeral... I don't know how to feel about that. 

Not really having a good day. 

Some days are better than others. I feel freer than I have in a long time, but that doesn't mean "cured
 or that my csa will never impact me again. Today I had to shake hands with someone who shared a name with my abuser. I had to refrain from shuddering. It still bothers me, and I need to balance that with how far I've come. 

I'm so grateful for days like today. Nothing special has happened, but I am at peace. I have the day off, I played some video games, I read, I took a shower and I wasn't afraid. I don't feel like I have any expectations or obligations that are pressing and I feel like I can truly see how far I've come in my healing journey. I can relax a little, I can think a little, I can breathe. If you are just starting out, if you are scared, hurt, angry, and confused, know that if you do what you need to do, and work towards healing you too can overcome or thrive. I am 28 years old, and for the first time in my life my depression is manageable, my anger is manageable, my life is manageable... and it's BEAUTIFUL.  

Been a while, still working on healing. 

Been a good day for me. Learning more about myself. As I heal some of my bigger psychological maladies I can start noticing the smaller ones, and as I fix them my life becomes easier. It's nice to be on a healing journey and nicer to be able to see your progress!!

<3

Having a bad day today, but looking forward to when my painting supplies arrive. I've decided to try acrylics. 

Had a good day today.