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About FinallySpeakingOut

  • Birthday April 2

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    Reading, writing, drawing, surviving.

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  1. I still care about him. He makes me crave death. He is doing it again. I can not stop him. I feel so very weak. Why do I feel guilty? You are the guilty one. Why can I not forget? Will changing myself stop the hurt? (Okay, 6 words. Im guilty)
  2. Thank you so much. I know that I'm strong, know I can do it....I just don't know how. I am, at this point, still a victim. I may have lived through it, but I don't feel as though I survived. Not yet, anyway. Again, thank you for your kind words.
  3. FinallySpeakingOut


    I woke up this morning from a nightmare, again. It was a snow day, but I still woke up at 7:45. At 8:45 I went to my doctor. We upped my antidepressant medication and put me on an anxiety medication. I'm so scared of myself. I can't focus, and my grades are slipping; up until now I have been a straight A student. Now I have a C- in one of my classes. I haven't seen him since before Christmas break. I hope it doesn't change. I've been trying to write poetry, something like SLAM to use at the Variety Show my school holds every year. I just can't get the words to come out right. It terrifies me that this has affected me this much, that I can no longer do what I love because I can't focus. How could he do this to me? Why would he? I gave him everything I could and he took more than I was willing to give. He took my sanity, my freedom, my life. He doesn't even care...and I can't find the will to blame him, to blame anyone...all I want to do is sleep.
  4. FinallySpeakingOut


    All-or most-of my blogs will have a trigger warning. Today was tough. Walking around praying I wouldn't see him...I had to leave one of the clubs I enjoy most because he was always there. He still doesn't get that he did anything wrong. I feel sick, physically ill when I think about what he did to me...what I let him do. I was dating him. I hate that I still feel like it was my fault, that maybe he's right, maybe I am a wh*re. I loved him...I gave him my heart, and he doesn't even care that I'm hurting. Why? Why did you do this to me? Why did you hurt me? Why?!?! Only when I look back do I accept what it wasn't my fault. That when he asked over and over and over, when he made it clear that 'no' was NOT an acceptable answer, saying yes was the doomed single option from the start. I hate how much he affected me. How a single night pushed me over the edge of my sanity, of my ability to handle it, to cope. I despise him, and I despise myself as well.
  5. I completely agree and do not disagree with you at all. I think all of us kind of want to say this to our perpetrator...I'm just too nice to say it out loud.
  6. I'm young, but not too young to know what happened to me is wrong. I will not share all quite yet, but I will eventually. For now, I'm knew here and I just wanted to make my first post...I really wish things were different, that sights like this didnt have to exist, but they do. I'm not sure of myself, not able to work through this alone anymore. I feel so isolated, I needed to find a place to share my anguish, to know I'm not alone. This is my first post. Thank you for reading.
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