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StruggliNSilence14

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Posts posted by StruggliNSilence14

  1. Minerba-
    Thank you so very much for what you said in your reply.... It's truly exactly what I needed to read this morning while I was at work sitting at my desk with my head in my hands feeling so...... Overwhelmed and flooded with intense emotions but yet so numb at the same time. I'm in a state of misery lately... Thankyou for your kind words and advice and encouragement. Also, no I have not read that book but I will definitely look it up!
    My support system is hardly existent... None of my family know at all. I've told 4 ppl and they only know the basic general statement that I was R. So... Yeah it's been tough. It took me a long time to even face the truth myself. I'm so new to even expressing my pain and hurt and trying to find relief to my silent burdens. I've simply come to the point where I can no longer be strong anymore- I'm tired and weak.
    So with newly started T and then finding this site ...... It's bittersweet- Ive found so much hope and encouragement and support that it truly gives me a new found hope.... But along with all that- I've been submerged into the unknown and new and very scary, tormenting, and painful anguish I'm pretty sure that is just as bad if not worse than the actual SA's that I endured. The nightmares and flashbacks are forcing me to relive it all over again plus dealing with all the suppressed and traumatic stuff I learned to to hide so very well for years- that alone is taking it's toll on me. Along with my anxiety and panic disorders and all the other stuff going on in my life right now- my job is more than enough on the stress factor....: wow all I can say is how much I have suppressed and never dealt with or even tried to deal with- never ever told anybody anything beyond those 3 words-"I was R"...... It's having a way deeper impact on me than I ever would have imagined.
    If I would have known the struggle was this hard and painful- I don't know- I don't know if I could have faced it.
    Yes I know all about sx off. ... I studied them in college, even took a special class... Then got into the real world and low and behold started seeing them in real life at my job because a Judge decided to give them probation. WTF?!.... Ugh my rant on that will need to go on an entirely different forum but I got one hell of a good rant on that.
    Anyways, thanks so much for your support and welcome to AS to you as well!!!! I felt so encouraged and inspired that you, a newbie yourself, posted that impactful of a reply!!!
    I'm supporting and listening to u as well- Take Care!

    **** also thank you to all of you, for your warm welcomes and encouraging words!!! I'm so glad I joined AS!!!!!!
    Words truly can not express how thankful I am to all of you! Feel free to msg me anytime! My passion and calling in life is helping people anyway I can!!!!
    Take care, ~Sarah :butterfly:

  2. Hi and welcome!!!!! I can definitely relate Parapluie! Recently joined AS and I'm so very happy that I did! I have struggled a lot with intimacy/ relationship issues as well. And ur right- time makes no difference when dealing with the trauma we've all been thru. Just want u to know I'm here supporting u and listening.... Hope u will find peace and relief! Take care!

    ~Sarah

  3. Thank y'all very much ... feeling really down right now... I'm strugglin with anxiety issues...I feel paralyzed but have so much emotion....went to my T today ( 4th session)... and I'm goin thru lots of emotions like everything is emerging again... I feel very stuck alone and sad. Thank y'all for ur support...I've been reading this site all day...can't seem to find enough courage/ strength to really post...but will do my best...I feel like I'm about to fall apart and everything is gonna explode if I don't figure out some kind of outlet or something.I feel so out of body and like everything is coming at me in full force and all I can do is wait and hope it gets better somehow.

    Thanks again :needahug:

  4. Hi... So I started researching online about various issues and help for sexual assault victims. And found this awesome website so I finally have gotten the courage and strength to post something...never really became involved with any kind of blog or forum.... So I'm not too sure how to start... I recently started going to a therapist -only been to 3 sessions and have missed about a month... I'm going to see her tomorrow so I'm super nervous and excited- a lot has gone on in just a month! Sooo I'm 26 yrs old and Graduated with criminal justice degree in 2012, in process of getting psychology degree. I am currently working with adult probation as a probation officer or as it is now called "community supervision officer"- almost 2 yrs. ummmm..... I am newly engaged and have been with my love for 7 yrs. I like to describe myself as a happy, carefree, funny, and caring girl... I love to inspire ppl and help ppl. I am extremely compassionate and put all my effort into helping others any way I can. I love to laugh and make others happy. My hobbies include writing-mostly poems, and putting together collages that are full of quotes and inspirations - put a lot in my office.... I spend lots of time with family or try to. Well, hmmm ok so as to the reason I'm even here- I've told about 5 ppl about my victimization and that's just telling the basic fact-"that I'm a victim." I've been so very fearful to even say anything and especially have never wrote it down even though I have countless journals with my personal writings and inspirations. I was 14 when I was raped ... My parents had just gone thru divorce after 22 yrs of marriage, I was practically only child ( parents had kids in their 1st marriages before they met) so my sister and 2 brothers were 12-13 yrs older than me so I am the "baby baby" of the family. I grew up in Christian home and school- yes I attended 3 diff christian schools - thts what my parents chose for me. Anyways, during this period of time which turned out to be my personal hell- my mom was forced to go back to work ( didn't have to work when her and my dad were together- was always stay at home mom) omg I feel like I'm writing too much. Anyways I'm obviously making a weak attempt at avoiding the real topic here- just felt I should give a small bio of myself-sry.... The man that raped me lived in my neighborhood- it's hard to not talk about how I should have felt or been in the current time instead if what/who/ how I was at 14 yo- this is something my therapist is working with me on because I have such a criminal justice mind and outlook now. Anyways, I was a very big athlete in high school- track, bball, vball and cross country so I would run a lot- every day after school. The neighborhood we lived in was not too big but not too small either- my house wasn't on the lake but there's was community place on the lake that was apart of neighborhood- anyway, I would run for about 2-3 miles after school around the neighborhood and that's when I met him- he was very charming and not bad looking, at that time in my life, I was very vulnerable and had no idea about anything evil in life(was sheltered in christian bubble all my life- not too sheltered but enough) he gave me attention every day I would run by him.... I knew he was older but had no clue he was about 10 yrs older. Few months went by of this- I would stop and talk to him by the mailbox and in his driveway for about 30 min. I became to trust him and I began looking at him as a sort of friend or boyfriend as weird as hell as tht sounds- I knew way better and was brought up to have common sense and not associate with strangers etc but I was in a rebellious stage and I was hurt by parents divorce and whatever was goin on in school etc. he gained my trust and then he started in with the control, manipulation- I was a virgin and my family would never talk about sex or anything related, I had never even been around drugs or anything "secular"... ... And I was mad at my parents and mad at God and everything. So I became rebellious and fearless or so I thought I was .... My gut and deep down feeling was sending huge warning signs to not talk or go around this guy but I ignored all of that. And that's when it happened- that's when he invited me inside his house because he wanted to show me some cool pictures of exotic cars and just "chill" in his house because it was hot out ( I live in TX)... And that's when my innocence and whole sense of life and what I thought about it and been taught about it and would hear at school and church ahot was completely shattered and destroyed. He was not the guy I even came close to thinking he was. I have never been so scared and I had no idea what to do but I knew one thing was for sure and that's was that I was never going to tell anyone about it not even my best friend at the time and def not my family. He scared me so much so that I was scared to death my thoughts would somehow come leaping out into words so I just started stockpiling all of my feelings and emotions inside with lots of protection and double locks. I was completely ashamed and sad and very confused. And I blamed myself and continue to blame myself because I kept running by his house only to listen to him and follow his commands like a puppet- went on for about a year. After I graduated hs I went to live with my dad (same city) and he found me and assaulted me 4 more times - I was 18 yo . Some yrs went by and he appeared again when I was 23 yo- I couldn't believe it... Here I was in college taking criminal justice courses and learning about sickos like this and was completely shocked when it happened at 23. I was totally freaked out and scared that I didn't tell my boyfriend ( now fiancé) - I told him I was rape victim ( yes he was one of the 5 ppl I wld even say tht sentence to) . So here I am at age 26 and I have kept so much hurt and pain and trauma inside tht I'm bursting (apparently whoever has continued to read this is like " yeah that's n understatement")and falling apart even more so now than when it was happening..... So right now everything is crazy and falling apart. Sorry thts 1st post is crazy long but it's weird - somehow I feel just a little better after typing all that. So hi everyone I hope tht I am in the right place... And I hope to somehow inspire or encourage others- cuz thts what I love to do: ) ..... Now tht I'm in the professional work world (worked at Walgreens for 6 yrs and heb for 3- yes had my fair share of retail) ...... I am loving the job but it's also very draining and stressful and has presented a lot of triggers tht I didn't see coming... I spend all day helping and encouraging ppl- and I'm now thinking I may need some major help and encouragement because I have never felt so low. Thank y'all for reading

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