BreakMyShell

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About BreakMyShell

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    Survivor
  1. 2

    Listen to your gut! We get feelings about people for a reason..never ignore that. Im also reminded of a quote by Maya Angelou ..."when people tell you who they are, believe them." Also something for you to keep in mind.. This man is telling you that he possibly raped a girl, and that he is a monster. It's entirely possible he's telling you the truth. I know as a trauma survivor, its hard to figure out people's motivations, and it seems hard to feel like we deserve the best. Sometimes we are blinded to people's awful sides. And monsters use all sorts of tricks to lure their prey in before they attack...he could be buttering you up and once he knows he's got you, he could show his monster side. Please be careful.
  2. I don't know how to flirt

    I've decided to work on a huge goal....going on a date. I've accomplished so much in 2017...so much more than I ever thought I would. I went to NYC, which had been a dream forever. Yes, I spent most of the trip anxious and in tears, but I did it. I bought my dream home (although it wouldn't be a dream to most people..it's a 20 acre fixer upper and I've loved every minute of working on the property and fixing it up). I've discovered some supplements that have really helped me feel mentally and emotionally stable. I haven't felt suicidal in months..my depression has been so much better, and the little things that used to send me into darkness no longer bother me as much. I turn 33 on Monday and for the first time in my life, I feel like I want to accomplish something professionally (although as someone working in the education field, there's really no room to move up). I find myself wanting to work hard, set professional goals and reach them, and work my way up. To what? I have no clue. I just find myself feeling determined and motivated. I don't know what my aim or goal is..isn't that weird? I feel like I am maturing at a slower rate than most people my age, I definitely feel a few years behind everyone else. I've been terrified to date anyone since I was in elementary school. I've been afraid of men for as long as I can remember. I know going on a date will be my biggest accomplishment so far in my life, as silly as that sounds. Even a simple date, even if it was just meeting someone somewhere to talk for 5 minutes..that would be huge for me.I don't expect "normal" people to understand that. But all of you trauma survivors, I know you feel me. And I know that if I accomplish my goal of going on a date, it won't just be an accomplishment for me. I hope it will be inspirational and motivational for so many others who have experienced trauma and I hope that they too, will know that healing and progress is possible. I hope to keep those who are interested updated on my goal through this blog. Yesterday, I went to the mall after work. I went to a book store, and smiled at 3 men in the book store. It was very uncomfortable and I felt very awkward and out of my element, but I did it. None of them talked to me, but they did smile back. This is the problem..when I feel like I want to date, no one else seems interested in me.I also have to admit that I have no clue how to flirt...I always feel so shy. I have no idea how to make anyone interested in me. I am also extremely afraid that if anyone is interested in me, they will be a creepy weirdo..as most of the time, it is creepy weirdos and abusive pyschos who tend to be drawn to me. I also bought a few new outfits. I have been trying to dress better lately. My true self at my core is a sweatpants and t-shirt kind of girl. I don't really enjoy dressing up, but I do have to say that people respond to me differently at work when I look nicer. I also feel more professional and more confident I guess, when I dress up more. I have a few professional goals and ideas in mind, most of which are focused on school culture. Now, I just need to work up the courage to present them to the rest of the staff. I worry that they are silly, and naive and dumb ideas. I have always had a fear of people, public speaking and crowds. I am the girl who ran many times from college presentations in tears (yes..embarrassing..ugh). I've spent most of my life avoiding public speaking. I just want to be brave and conquer that fear, too. Well, I hope that you guys will share your thoughts and feedback if you want to. I will try to remember to keep you updated!
  3. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤😁😁😁😁😁
  4. @uncountedstatistics I love my middle school babies! They drive me insane sometimes, but I love them. Do you like working with that age?
  5. Wow, I am so glad that you made it through! I love that you say you're your own hero. You sound like a very strong person! im sorry you saw that dark side of life but I am glad you finally found your current boyfriend, who sounds great!
  6. Hello!
  7. That is so awesome that you have a kind, supportive boyfriend!
  8. I just discovered this website has a blog. I will try to use it but uhh...I'll probably forget. Today was an odd day. I'm a school counselor so many of my days are odd..usually in a bad way.. but today was one of those "just right" odd days that makes me laugh. There was a weird sixth grade gang fight today among the most mild mannered boys ever. It was weird. Like six or seven of them just decided to beat the hell out of each other in the hallway..except the hell wasnt beat out of anyone because they're all too nice and respectful. So they basically pushed and shoved each other, a slap was thrown in, someone punched someone else's head..it was pretty half hearted but still landed them in the principals office. I walked in and they were all scattered about the room, trying to appear like they didn't care and that being in the office didn't matter to them. Nothing says Badass like glistening tears rolling down your face! Anyway, it's one of my favorite things that happened today because it was so funny. I'm a horrible counselor because I couldn't help but make some jokes about it. I had to put a sign on my door today that said PLEASE KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING AND WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO ANSWER THE DOOR FIRST. You'd think this would be common sense, but apparently it isn't for middle schoolers. They were just busting up in my office constantly, ruining my sessions with some kids, and seeing kids cry or angry..not cool. My office is a private safe space so they need to quit being rude and opening my door whenever they want! I asked our office helper, who is in high school and working in our office as part of his internship program, if he'd go get some mail for me from the next building today because I was so busy I couldn't. He looked at me as if I was crazy, rolled his eyes and sat there like a deflated balloon. OH NO YOU DIIEENNNTTT GIRLFRIEND. He's there to assist us, that's the whole point, to get real world work experience, so when people ask you to do something GET YOUR BUTT UP KID! I promise I'm not an arrogant bossy douchebag, I never ask anyone favors, but I really was busy and needed his help. He finally moped around and did it. THE FUTURE GENERATION SCARES ME. THESE SLOTHS ADE GOING TO BE SUPPORTING US SOME DAY. That is, if they can put down the iPhones and Xbox controllers long enough to get their lazy bones up and GET A JOB. Speaking of arrogant douchebags, that brings me to the Dicks portion of my blog title. There's this kid in seventh grade who is a total jerk..I'm sorry people but it is what it is, ok? I actually like the kid but he's a total turd at times. And he has reason to be,,he's had a horrible year, so many things gone wrong in his life this year so no wonder he's acting out. But every day he threatens someone, fights with his teacher, makes sexual comments..list goes on and on. He's in a special ed room with a teacher who is an arrogant douchebag. He's a coach or some crap and thinks he's a God. He spends most of his time on his phone in class and sends this kid to sit in the hallway all day playing games because he doesn't want to deal with him. I've tried my best to help this kid and I totally admit, I've failed. Anyway, today the douchebag smarted off to me and implied basically that I suck and counseling is useless. He is what the kiddos call a di*k. And now read that paragraph and you will see what a judgmental jerk I can be. If I had to be stuck with this kid all day I'd cry, I'd probably send him out too. I would have no clue what to do. So now you can see I'm judgmental and I have a mean streak because all the guy did was say something kind of hurtful and rude and I immediately wanted to attack him. I don't even really know anything about the guy, and I've judged him. Im an overly sensitive snowflake! Anyway, after work it was beautiful out so my niece and I took a walk up the road. Along the way, nine million dogs followed us. I know what people say...never trust someone who doesn't like dogs. So maybe don't trust me because I'm just going to toss this out there...I don't like dogs. Big ones, anyway. They terrify me. I had a bad experience with one when I was little and have been terrified ever since. Small ones are okay..ish. They're just so annoying and they are into everything and they smell. I do like playing with them and petting them but I don't think I'd like to own one. Anyway, this crippled lab dog comes hobbling up to us and follows us all the way back home. I was going to catch him and load him up in the bed of the truck and take him back home burn Then we couldn't catch him. He chased cats, he chased neighbors chickens, he even went inside our neighbors house! You'd think a crippled dog couldn't be so fast. Finally, with a lot of chasing, we caught him and took him back. It was kind of fun and amusing. We also fed the ducks in the pond. I'm a weirdo but I love birds and always carry bread with me when I walk in case I meet some birds! I have a container of birdseed in my car. I AM ALWAYS PREPARED FOR MY BIRD FRIENDS. Now it's a nice cool evening, frogs are hollering, and I love spring. Today was one of those rare days where I didn't think about anything bad or my past or what a loser I am. I wish I had more days like this. ok. Bye.
  9. my inner child is feeling lonley and unloved. i want to tell her...be strong, you have me. and i dont know why no one loves you, but i love you very much.
  10. dear little me, you deserved to be hugged and loved on and told you were beautiful, you should have been
  11. But I remember you before you became a story. Sometimes, I feel a thorn in my foot when there is no thorn. They tell me, not unkindly, that I should imagine nothing here. --Marie Howe (Gretel, from a sudden clearing"
  12. But I remember you before you became a story. Sometimes, I feel a thorn in my foot when there is no thorn. They tell me, not unkindly, that I should imagine nothing here. --Marie Howe (Gretel, from a sudden clearing"
  13. I wore shorts in public for the first time in years yesterday...and Friday AND today wore a skirt...doesn't sound like much but to me thats a big "oh hell yea you go girl!"
  14. i'll never figure you out