BreakMyShell

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About BreakMyShell

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  1. This morning after my morning duty (which I was promptly late for...again....), I was stopped by my principal who asked to speak with me. She then proceeded to update me on how some of the 8th grade girls in our school were "letting the boys touch them between the legs, slap their butts, and things like that." I guess that Monday someone saw a boy with his hand between another student's legs and for some reason it just now prompted serious attention from administration... Except wait..my school has the laziest administrators ever so of course they didn't address this themselves. Instead, I was asked to address this with 8th grade girls. So our conversation continued and something similar to this was thrown out..."teachers are seeing the girls laughing when their butts are being slapped or they are being touched and we are afraid it will continue until one day, they decide they don't like it and then they whine about sexual assault." Now, keep in mind it's middle school. Of course, boys are pervs and will get by with whatever they can. If they know a girl laughs when her butt is smacked, of course they are going to keep doing it..and more. Also, keep in mind..it's middle school. Girls are wanting to fit in and be liked and be seen as cool. They don't want to be seen as prudes who can't take a joke. Also, they don't have the skills to say no and to refuse these smacks and touches. Anyway, I give my speech to some classes of girls after the boys leave and many of them said they don't like it when it happens, they just don't know how to make it stop because the boys don't listen when they say no. We have a group of boys who are athletes, popular, rich families. They never get in trouble for anything and they know this. Administration is weak here so these boys get by with whatever they want. They harass kids, fight kids, take nude pix they get from other girls and send them around. I am not good at confrontation and I hate standing up to people..especially bosses. However, today I did discuss with teachers that I feel this needs to be addressed with boys as well. Will it ever happen? I doubt it. They'll blow it off, like they do everything else. Our school is falling apart because our awesome 3rd VP was cut this year, leaving us down to two who just want to gossip and do nothing all day. Discipline is ignored, kids are realizing they can do whatever they want with little consequence. A lot of serious issues are thrown off on teachers and me, the counselor. This is an issue that has bothered me all day. yes, some of these girls think its funny for real when they get slapped and they also slap boys on the butt and stuff too. But for a lot of these girls, they have no idea how to say no and make it stop. It saddens me that I work in a school that enables this behavior and throws blame on girls for this happening. It's also a school that has said that a gay child brings bullying upon himself for being so "loud and flamboyant and drawing attention to himself." Some days, I think I would like to be a principal just for the fact that I have a huge interest in helping to make our school a positive place and helping our school climate become welcoming. I'd have the power to make things right and to take care of these serious issues. However, I also know that I would be a weak leader, as I do not have the personality of a leader. No one would listen to me and I would be walked all over by employees. Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest.
  2. I'm not a good person

    Posted this in the forum but also sharing here.. To sum it up, I've realized within the past year that I am a very hypocritical and judgmental jerk. It took some awkward and difficult situations to open my eyes to that fact. I'm all about tolerance and acceptance but really, I judge the crap out of people daily. By that I mean I have the tendency to judge people based on first impressions and judge people based on only a few facts. I'm so selfish and narcisstic that I have a hard time wrapping my tiny brain around the fact that people have many layers and what I automatically perceive to be terrible behavior from awful people isn't really all there is to that person or people. I get very hung up on certain things and tend to hold grudges. If I don't like someone right off the bat then I tend to not like them ever...without ever getting to know them. Also, I've spent my whole life trying to be good, and nice, and happy, and sweet. I've always been the little sweet quiet nice girl. And I've strived to live up to that reputation since I was young. I still do. This has meant sacrificing certain things, holding things back, holding things in and letting it stay inside for so long that inside I'm fuming and hating everyone at times. However, this is where it gets tricky for me and lately I'm trying to make sense of it all and analyze myself. First of all, I have an enormous need to be nice just because I WANT to be. Because I enjoy helping other people, I love when I get a chance to help someone feel like they belong or are loved. I love saying hello to people and noticing people and making life a little less terrible for others. Helping others, no matter in what small way,is a high for me..that feeling is the feeling I love most. That said, I'm also NOT a very nice person inside. I think mean thoughts about people daily, even when I outwardly appear to like them. I'm a master at disguising my true feelings and covering my true emotions, although Sometimes that is hard for me. Some of you might remember me posting about a lady at work that I can't stand and I don't really know why. Friday I found out her position got cut and a wave of mixed emotions swept over me. First, I felt a sense of sadness for some reason, I really do hate to see anyone lose a job. Next, and I'm ashamed to admit it..I felt a sense of that pleasure at the fact she lost her job. She's so mean and rude sometimes, it was nice to see payback a little. Then I felt guilty for feeling that way and have been trying to ignore and fight that feeling the whole weekend. but as much as I hate being that person, I do feel pleasure about it. I realize I should not be happy or gloat about it because my job could very easily be cut next. but this is just one example of how I am not really a good person inside. Next example, I was watching Beauty and the Beast Saturday with my teenage niece and her friends. I was trying to text someone and had forgot to turn my brightness down. The guy next to me asked me to turn my cellphone off. I didn't look at him or respond but did turn it off. Inside, I fumed about it the whole rest of the movie. I was ticked off. And I don't know why because it wasn't even a big deal. But instantly I started thinking mean thoughts and thinking of ways to get revenge. I had some gum in my purse, so I started chewing it, thinking I'd stick it on the purse in the seat next to me because it belonged to that guys girlfriend. I chewed and chewed and took it out and held it in my hand, still debating whether I should or not. then the movie was at the part where the beast saves gaston from falling, but then gaston turns around and kills the beast. And as gaston shoots him, he ends up falling to his death anyway..karma. Then I realized karma could come back and get me if I stuck gum to her purse. I worried that karma would cause me to have a car wreck and kill everyone. So I threw my gum in my empty cup and forgot about that idea. When the movie ended, the couple sat there watching the credits, so I made sure to light my phone up again and turn it towards them and shine it on them as I picked my belongings up and left. I'm so passive aggressive. The struggle with the gum though, while it sounds so stupid and simple, really had me in turmoil inside. I wanted to do something to hurt them in some way. I wanted revenge. I have that side of me that wants to get out and bust free and just be awful like everyone else. i have to fight my awful side constantly to stay inside. Then I think about how even if I was rude to others, or manipulative, or damaged someones property, it wouldn't matter anyway. Who would know? Who would care? No one. So why not go around being a giant jerk? Other,people sure don't care how they act or treat others, why should I? i worry that if I someday give in to that urge for revenge, my dark side will take over and I'll be lost forever. Like once I cross that line, I'll be gone for good. I don't know what's keeping me from it, other than the worry of getting bad karma. And also the damage to my reputation. I'm the sweet nice one, when I drop a cuss word accidentally in front of someone I instantly feel guilty and nervous, and ashamed that someone saw a crack in my facade. And I'm an adult, so that's kind of pathetic I suppose. I feel like I have this reputation to live up to, this facade to maintain. If too many cracks appear, my darkness will leak out and who I've been all my life won't even matter, because all anyone will ever see again is the darkness, the coldness, and the bitterness. But yeah, outwardly I think I appear nice and kind, but inside I'm dark and empty and mean. I'm not really a very good person, and I think I avoid people because I'm afraid of someone seeing the darkness inside of me. Fighting this battle and keeping my bad side at bay is extremely exhausting. Then I feel like I probably have probably deserved every bad thing in my life ever and that my trauma has happened to me because I am horrible and I only deserve bad things. And I feel a sense of sadness that I'm not a good person, that I can't really live up to the ideal of sweetness and niceness and goodness. I feel like a phony. I'm fake. Can anyone relate to this?
  3. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤😁😁😁😁😁
  4. @uncountedstatistics I love my middle school babies! They drive me insane sometimes, but I love them. Do you like working with that age?
  5. Wow, I am so glad that you made it through! I love that you say you're your own hero. You sound like a very strong person! im sorry you saw that dark side of life but I am glad you finally found your current boyfriend, who sounds great!
  6. Hello!
  7. That is so awesome that you have a kind, supportive boyfriend!
  8. I just discovered this website has a blog. I will try to use it but uhh...I'll probably forget. Today was an odd day. I'm a school counselor so many of my days are odd..usually in a bad way.. but today was one of those "just right" odd days that makes me laugh. There was a weird sixth grade gang fight today among the most mild mannered boys ever. It was weird. Like six or seven of them just decided to beat the hell out of each other in the hallway..except the hell wasnt beat out of anyone because they're all too nice and respectful. So they basically pushed and shoved each other, a slap was thrown in, someone punched someone else's head..it was pretty half hearted but still landed them in the principals office. I walked in and they were all scattered about the room, trying to appear like they didn't care and that being in the office didn't matter to them. Nothing says Badass like glistening tears rolling down your face! Anyway, it's one of my favorite things that happened today because it was so funny. I'm a horrible counselor because I couldn't help but make some jokes about it. I had to put a sign on my door today that said PLEASE KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING AND WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO ANSWER THE DOOR FIRST. You'd think this would be common sense, but apparently it isn't for middle schoolers. They were just busting up in my office constantly, ruining my sessions with some kids, and seeing kids cry or angry..not cool. My office is a private safe space so they need to quit being rude and opening my door whenever they want! I asked our office helper, who is in high school and working in our office as part of his internship program, if he'd go get some mail for me from the next building today because I was so busy I couldn't. He looked at me as if I was crazy, rolled his eyes and sat there like a deflated balloon. OH NO YOU DIIEENNNTTT GIRLFRIEND. He's there to assist us, that's the whole point, to get real world work experience, so when people ask you to do something GET YOUR BUTT UP KID! I promise I'm not an arrogant bossy douchebag, I never ask anyone favors, but I really was busy and needed his help. He finally moped around and did it. THE FUTURE GENERATION SCARES ME. THESE SLOTHS ADE GOING TO BE SUPPORTING US SOME DAY. That is, if they can put down the iPhones and Xbox controllers long enough to get their lazy bones up and GET A JOB. Speaking of arrogant douchebags, that brings me to the Dicks portion of my blog title. There's this kid in seventh grade who is a total jerk..I'm sorry people but it is what it is, ok? I actually like the kid but he's a total turd at times. And he has reason to be,,he's had a horrible year, so many things gone wrong in his life this year so no wonder he's acting out. But every day he threatens someone, fights with his teacher, makes sexual comments..list goes on and on. He's in a special ed room with a teacher who is an arrogant douchebag. He's a coach or some crap and thinks he's a God. He spends most of his time on his phone in class and sends this kid to sit in the hallway all day playing games because he doesn't want to deal with him. I've tried my best to help this kid and I totally admit, I've failed. Anyway, today the douchebag smarted off to me and implied basically that I suck and counseling is useless. He is what the kiddos call a di*k. And now read that paragraph and you will see what a judgmental jerk I can be. If I had to be stuck with this kid all day I'd cry, I'd probably send him out too. I would have no clue what to do. So now you can see I'm judgmental and I have a mean streak because all the guy did was say something kind of hurtful and rude and I immediately wanted to attack him. I don't even really know anything about the guy, and I've judged him. Im an overly sensitive snowflake! Anyway, after work it was beautiful out so my niece and I took a walk up the road. Along the way, nine million dogs followed us. I know what people say...never trust someone who doesn't like dogs. So maybe don't trust me because I'm just going to toss this out there...I don't like dogs. Big ones, anyway. They terrify me. I had a bad experience with one when I was little and have been terrified ever since. Small ones are okay..ish. They're just so annoying and they are into everything and they smell. I do like playing with them and petting them but I don't think I'd like to own one. Anyway, this crippled lab dog comes hobbling up to us and follows us all the way back home. I was going to catch him and load him up in the bed of the truck and take him back home burn Then we couldn't catch him. He chased cats, he chased neighbors chickens, he even went inside our neighbors house! You'd think a crippled dog couldn't be so fast. Finally, with a lot of chasing, we caught him and took him back. It was kind of fun and amusing. We also fed the ducks in the pond. I'm a weirdo but I love birds and always carry bread with me when I walk in case I meet some birds! I have a container of birdseed in my car. I AM ALWAYS PREPARED FOR MY BIRD FRIENDS. Now it's a nice cool evening, frogs are hollering, and I love spring. Today was one of those rare days where I didn't think about anything bad or my past or what a loser I am. I wish I had more days like this. ok. Bye.
  9. my inner child is feeling lonley and unloved. i want to tell her...be strong, you have me. and i dont know why no one loves you, but i love you very much.
  10. dear little me, you deserved to be hugged and loved on and told you were beautiful, you should have been
  11. But I remember you before you became a story. Sometimes, I feel a thorn in my foot when there is no thorn. They tell me, not unkindly, that I should imagine nothing here. --Marie Howe (Gretel, from a sudden clearing"
  12. But I remember you before you became a story. Sometimes, I feel a thorn in my foot when there is no thorn. They tell me, not unkindly, that I should imagine nothing here. --Marie Howe (Gretel, from a sudden clearing"
  13. I wore shorts in public for the first time in years yesterday...and Friday AND today wore a skirt...doesn't sound like much but to me thats a big "oh hell yea you go girl!"
  14. i'll never figure you out