stagnes

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About stagnes

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    stagnes

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    Survivor

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  1. Welcome and I'm very sorry for your loss. It's very good that you reached ou for support. You are not alone.
  2. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It sounds like it was totally terrifying and enraging and I'm sure that it not only did you good personally to report, but also protected other potential victims too. He sounds like a dangerous criminal, and it's a testament to good practice that the police officer that you spoke to understood your trauma and took you seriously. That is the way everyone should be treated when they report SA. Unfortunately, not everyone is treated that way when they come forward, and that is why I personally don't feel that it is a good idea to report in every situation. In my case, the perpetrator lurked within a system that had the ability to make my life very difficult if I had attempted to come forward. I didn't know it until it happened, but that kind of intimidation can be fostered within some institutions and certain professional organisations - places and people with a lot to lose; money being the least of it. In my case, IMO, there was very little upside in reporting. I did not have irrefutable proof of the crime until several years later because the perpetrator and their colleagues/institution joined forces to stonewall me and cover up evidence. They were poised and waiting to claim that they were being maliciously targeted by a greedy litigant if I had attempted to expose what had happened to me and tbh, a counter attack like that when I was already vulnerable from the original assault would not only have been personally devastating but also would have had lasting repercussions, i.e., in the form of denial of services and harassment in the future. In fact, to a degree, that has happened anyway. It has been very unfair, but unfortunately I have had very little power to change anything about it. I don't know if you had read my response when you wrote yours, but please know that I genuinely don't mean to be argumentative. I wish that it was a good idea for all victims to report, and am so happy that you received good treatment when you did. It definitely was the right decision for you to have reported. I would have liked more than anything to have reported my perpetrator and still feel deep regret and anger that I couldn't. Even taking my disappointment and concern that may be other victims into account though, I am still convinced that I did the right thing in not doing it. Reporting would ultimately have only jeopardised my safety and recovery and there was very little chance that the perpetrator would have been stopped and/or punished. I wish that wasn't the case, but it was.
  3. I haven't reported any historic abuse mostly because I have only recovered memories of what happened when I was a child recently. One of the people who abused me fortunately died eighteen years ago, so I at least know that he isn't hurting anyone anymore but I'm sure that he had many victims besides me. The other is still alive, but old. It's too complicated for me to report him; too many relationships that will be damaged, too many people hurt. He has integrated himself right into the fabric of my family and former community and can just say that I have mental health problems if I accuse him of anything. He has spent his whole life building this persona and keeps people loyal through money and manipulations. In fact, with age and infirmity he's managed to cultivate a very believeable role as a victim himself. It would be like prosecuting a whiny jello mold. The last one is someone who I have to keep secret in order to avoid being accused of a false accusation. There was also a delay of several years in my full understanding that he was an abuser - that was how powerful his manipulations were. He told me right from the moment of the assault that it wasnt his fault and that too many people relied on him for me to press charges. I felt so bad about what he said that I blamed myself for what had happened and imagined him as a victim of the system he worked in. Ironically, I felt terrible for years about causing problems for him. The rage I felt when I understood how badly he had not only hurt me but then gone on to smear my character to deny me help for my injuries and cause ongoing difficulties for me cannot be overstated. I wanted that POS drawn, quartered and his head put on a stake in the square. In my eyes public humiliation was going to be the only punishment that would fit the crime and stop him from committing more. I can never publicly name him or say anything about what he did and did not do, so I write anonymously about him, and have for years in the hope that someone in a position to do something about him will recognise who I am talking about. I dream that someone has made his life a living hell on earth. God knows that's what mine was like for so long after what he did.
  4. I'm so sorry about the way that the police treated you cac142, especially the second time. How awful and to state the obvious, NO ONE ASKS TO BE ASSAULTED. It is always the fault of the abuser, always. I can understand feeling conflicted about not wanting to report this latest assault after what you have been put through before. It would be very difficult to believe that you will be listened to and believed. At the end of the day the decision belongs to you alone, and you have to put your well being first. Good luck and take very gentle care.
  5. A combination of irritating paperwork and bad satnav directions have conspired to put a nasty bunch of people directly in my path, spoiling an otherwise good day. I hope that things get better.

    1. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      Sorry things haven't gone well today. :(  Wishing for a quick turn around and better thing are ahead for today.  :hug: if ok and helps. 

    2. stagnes

      stagnes

      Thank you!

  6. Trying to be thrown off the trail by members of the tribe. lol. It's never happening. 

  7. Nope, I have thought about it multiple times every day for the last ten years. It's brain damage and it's permanent.
  8. When others don't protect when they should we have to protect ourselves. Just by surviving that kind of trauma you have proven yourself many times over, you can rest and take comfort. You weren't given comfort or safety as a child but you can find a little bit of both now, all on your own terms. I admire you for surviving and wish you well. Please be very kind to yourself. You have nothing to prove.
  9. if ok. I can relate to what you wrote; all of it and actually everything does happen for a reason unfortunately - even if that reason is so outrageously unacceptable that it can be considered a crime, which is the part that no one ever mentions or tends to act on nearly enough IMO. Being abused is not your shame, it is not your embarrassment; if people show you pity instead of empathy or can't be told the truth, those are their failings, not yours. We don't need to cease to exist because someone chose to abuse us, but it can be helpful to go away and heal until we can make our way back into the world with enough self protective armour. Sometimes that means a permanent change in where we live and who we allow into our lives and that's ok. I hope that you are able to get some help and support. You haven't done anything wrong.
  10. I live in a place where they shame and silence victims and protect perpetrators.  No woman is safe if her perpetrator is powerful! She will be put on trial for his crimes.

    1. Annie7

      Annie7

      sadly, yes. you are put on trial for his crimes. silenced. stigmatized, even. maybe you don't make enough cash to live in a non-triggering environment. you are always a woman first, and women are not yet allowed to be fully human , free from violence and degradation. together though, with other survivors, both men and women, we can do a lot to overcome this culture of abuse. 

    2. stagnes
  11. So true. I'm sorry that your experience fell so horrifically short of your expectations. We should all live in a world where these terrible crimes don't happen, or not nearly with the frequency they do.
  12. It sounds like you are learning how to really take good care of yourself and have strong boundaries - things that people with a history of adverse experiences in childhood are not normally taught. I always say that we must learn how to parent ourselves, and like every other parent it is accomplished through trial and error. I encourage you to not let your past to define you, but to also honour and respect what you went through and survived to get where you are. That takes a lot of strength and determination and you should be proud of yourself for making it. Sometimes we need to listen to ourselves and give ourselves the breaks and respites that a parent would give an overwhelmed child. Sometimes we need to encourage ourselves to push forward through something difficult. It is a place that you will arrive at in time and I have always found the journey to go more smoothly when the people who are accompanying me are working with me, not against me. Some can be instructed, but some, sadly, must be abandoned. We learn about these things and make adjustments when are ready. God bless you and keep you well.
  13. You're welcome JBC13. The things that I wrote took me years to do myself. We have a biological drive to attach to our primary caregivers and that is why it is so hard to break it. It still affects me, so please don't feel that I am judging you or saying that you can just go and do it easily. It has been the hardest part of my recovery and I've only really been able to do it because it was affecting the way I was parenting my own children. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. The situation with your finance's family does not sound good at all. You are totally unable to protect yourself there and your fiancé is going to have to help you by finding an place to live that is away from them, for both of your sakes. I hope that you able to move as quickly as you want and that you can eliminate or even just cut way down on the amount of time that you need to spend with his sister. She sounds like a genuine c-u-next Tuesday and the very last thing that you need right now, or ever really. Good luck to you.
  14. I am an old, and believe me, the jockeying for position and social competition never ends. Women especially are often encouraged to compete in bitchy and and unhealthy ways as children, and that can have an extremely unfortunate way of continuing right on through adulthood. There is negativity in every form of social grouping, and I have had to step away from a lot of people, including family, whose own functional neuroses have threatened to derail my carefully managed severe PTSD. I just cannot afford to lose what I have worked so hard to achieve because some immature bitches (of both genders) are playing power games, or are in other ways taking advantage of my natural empathy. I do it all with a polite smile, fulfil whatever obligations that may be outstanding, and hightail it out of any toxic situation that may be dragging me down. In cases where contact must remain, I maintain an email or social media connection, or a very carefully orchestrated and calibrated barter system. It sounds cold because it is - if they weren't there for me when I was on my knees, they don't get the benefit of my sunny disposition now. Even though as survivors it doesn't always feel like we have a choice in who we deal with, we do. If someone or a group of someones are being complete dicks to us we can say no! We can reach out to the positive people outside of our social circles and forge our own identities and lifestyles. It's ok to be alone until the bare patches are filled in because no company can be a lot less destabilising and certainly more enjoyable than bad company. Good luck to all that are suffering - I feel your pain.
  15. No free pass for you.