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  1. Hurt

    Tonight im going to make myself feel. A lot of pain and i love it. I
  2. Pathetic

    I thought i still had some strength in me. i cant get away from the panic. I would rather expose my body for strangers online than work in this public setting again. I arrived early because i have to take the bus. While waiting i saw so many people i didnt want to see. I had really bad panic attacks and i cant do it. I couldn't make myself go in there. What the hell is wrong with me. Im trapped. I feel like i can't breath. I want to be safe inside my home that's not Really much of "my" home anymore. IIts like everywhere i turned someone was in my face. Sometimes it Even hurts to be friendly. I started thinking how soon i would have to pretend every day that i liked people even when they are rude to me. Even when people shit all over me my job would again be to say thank you for sitting on me. I enjoy managing the staff and that's the only part i would have liked. I like teaching people, i like strategizing.. i like planning.that's All fine. But To stand there in the open selling myself just to close a sale to someone... most people that will just be Unnecessarily mean. I can't Anymore. No matter where i go in this place there is no privacy. II mine as well be walking through this mall naked. I feel more clothed when i am naked in front of the webcam. I hate this Place. I that i see my ex boyfriend old co workers In the mall. Not the one who hit me but the rumors he spread About me are disgusting and they look at me with their disgusting eyes. When I was managing the last store a mall friend came in to quietly let me know what the security guards were saying about me.Two of them were heard saying I was into nasty things. Going around to different guys that worked in the mall saying my ex said i liked freaky shit making it out to be like i was some nasty sl*t that wanted to be defiled. they were so nice to my face though.then there is James the dirty old man that over stays his welcome by the hours Saying inappropriate things to me. And when im working Im trapped. No where to go not allowed to say no. II can't do it. I won't do it. II
  3. Going Out In Public

    I'm dealing with some anxiety about starting my new full time job later. No one would ever know how much I am affected by social interaction. It would seem pretty unbelievable to most people I think. My job is to manage people and to make and drive sales and I have always been successful at doing this work but it takes its toll. More and more so each year I do it. Its a weird thing. My landlords responded and said no to my 8 week payment plan. " I don't see how your payment plan would work. It will take you several months to get caught up. I sent you a 7 day eviction notice and a 30 day notice. If you pay the $3140.00 today that will stop the eviction but you will still have to move by March 14th. If you do not pay the amount in full then the eviction will stand and this will go to court and the judge will rule that you must pay the amount due for rent as well as the legal fees and you will be ordered to vacate the premises in 7 days from the court date." "Either way full payment is due now. If I do not hear from you, the next step is to have the Sheriff serve you paperwork with a court date. I will be filling out the paperwork tomorrow. I would like to avoid the eviction process as it is time consuming and costly for both of us" I thought my solutions was pretty good, to pay 650 now and 400 each week until I paid it off. Literally almost all my money would be theirs and i would eat ramen for eight weeks, but that's not good enough. I understand and am responsible for this, its my fault for trusting that parasite and getting in these debts but I can't help but feel angry that they wont let me do what I am capable of. B*** is actually on the lease too so actually legally I am responsible for half of that. If they take me to court the judge will rule for me to pay the half i am legally responsible for I would think. If they let me do a payment plan they would actually get more money. I responded with a polite and lengthy E-mail explaining my situation. I have other work I should be doing right now but I am too stressed to focus.
  4. Trying

    I Need is things running smoothly. Im almost there on the other side of all this mess. My biggest obstacle right now is the eviction. The seven day notice to quit was up yesterday. I proposed a plan of repayment to them that would allow me to pay them back Weekly for the next eight weeks with no response. So my guess is that are moving forward with the eviction and I'm just waiting for a sheriff to come server me a court date. I probably have less then two weeks and no place to go. I finally got hired but now it seems a little too late. I was hired full-time at one place that pays Good but it's going back into something i hoped i was done with at this point i don't care though. II need to work and make a reliable paycheck. I took a part time job also working for someone i know. It's a job i can do from home so it fits in well with my pups. II just wish i had more security with having a place to live. Im so close to being alive again.
  5. Yupp

    That's what it was again. They left another eviction notice. I guess the first one wasn't good enough and they just wanted to see if my door would hold up to a good banging. I understand they want their money and I want to give it to them. Also my period is two days late and im secretly not that upset about the idea of possibly being pregnant. It sounds terrible but at i can't help thinking what if I am and maybe then I can get a little help getting back on my feet. Then I would be forced not to drink and their would be resources. I even pictured the gym i used to go to how they have a day care section. I pictured how life would be like and that I would be nurturing something that was deserving of it.... and how maybe it would be a good thing if I did end up being pregnant. Then I feel guilty for thinking that. Why would I want to bring a child into the mess of my life. How selfish is that to be happy about the idea of it. I can't even take care of myself. But I know if I had a little kick start of help I could be just as self sufficient as I am used to being. I don't know. I'm sure I will start my period any time now and this will all just be a bunch of what ifs.
  6. Defeated

    Today I was served with a eviction notice. Saying I have to be out in 7 days if I don't get my past due rent paid. I looked it up online and it looks like in my state that after 7 days they have to file it with the courts and have me served by a sheriff and then typically 7 days or more from then I go to court and depending on the outcome, i could be ordered to leave within 48 hours in the worse case scenario. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I have 1/3 of the rent in cash but im afraid to hand it over because I don't know if I would be able to get the rest and would be penniless. I could come up with another couple hundred and just jump ship, move into one of the few apartments I have looked up. I would still have to go to court and pay back the rental company for this place here but I'm guessing the courts would allow me to do a payment arrangement. I have no assets for them to take. I could get to work online and try my hardest to come up with all the money... but that would be difficult. I don't think I can make that much money that fast. I don't get why its so impossible to get hired by anyone. My work history is fantastic. Its the one constant in my life that I have done really well at. I always loved to work and put my heart into each job and it reflects in my references. This apartment situation is due in great part to the roommate/friend of seven years. A few days before the end of last month I asked her again if she could help out with the utilities and she responded with.... "well I'll just move out so i'm not using the utilities any more" and she had her dad and brother move her things out the next day. Even though I tried to explain to her how that was putting me in even worse a situation. She was planning on doing this for a while. I couldn't resist snooping on her laptop once she left for work and her shit was still there. My boyfriend was the instigator to that and it wasn't a mature thing to do but... I learned that she was talking to several people about how she was planning to move out. Her dad is a landlord and was renovating one of his units for her and was only going to charge her 300 a month and bragged about how it was her dad so she could miss payments and get away with it. Where does her way of thinking come from? Its as if I am her husband and she expects it of me. She is just entitled to someone paying her way. I don't understand how it is justified to her. I'm her friend, not her dad, not her caretaker. We are the same age both girls why did she feel like it was my obligation to do this? and why the hell did i let her. She also used some choice language to make fun of my boyfriend calling him fat and that im not fun since I became a "chubby chaser". I want to let her know I read that and tell her... No its not that i'm not as much fun. Its that you are a soulless corpse and a shallow bit*h and I couldn't stand being around you anymore. I stopped wanting to spend time with her a long time ago. The topics of conversation was always her putting other people down. I even hated going in public with her because she had this air of superiority over everyone and was rude to them. I felt like I always had to spark up jokes to smooth out the snotty words and sounds that would come from her. Instead I broke out in hives, didn't tell my boyfriend the nasty things she said about him or myself just the part about her dads apartment waiting for her. I raced down stairs and on impulse wanted to pick up my phone to tell her off and wanted to find her boyfriends information to let him know about all the many men she has slept with... but instead i found a calmness from somewhere and simply blocked her from everything social media and my phone from texts and calls. I think that is the best thing. To not let her toxic poison take any more of my energy. It would have only created a dramatic encounter and she wasn't worth me getting more upset. So I vow to never let her back into my life. If it wasn't for a serious car accident 3 years ago and me being afraid she was hurt I wouldn't of ever gave her another chance. This is the end of that parasite. She left all her trash behind for me to clean up and of course one of the dogs got into it. So i took the opportunity to poke around in it and also found a 2k down payment for nose job and a estimate of 9k for the procedure... That was just a little extra turn of the knife in my back. She can shave down her perfectly attractive and fine nose but can't pay any of the money she owes me. I know she wants to do other things like breast augmentation so I guess living in her dads unit after she sucked me dry is a step in that direction. Well that was a long saved up rant about B that I definitely needed to put into words. Yesterday I also had a horrible break down. It came out of no where. It started with a disconnection notice for electricity stuck on my door. Then I took the bus into the city where I was going to see if I could get any type of general assistance.. Though I don't think I can because I have no child. But I wanted to see anyway because I'm desperate. Then I realized that I didn't have my id and it would be a useless trip without my id. I figured I would go anyway and maybe they would let me start my paperwork... then a homeless man said some really disgusting derogatory things to me and then it was building. Then I tried to take the bus home and learned that a transfer pass couldn't be used to return back to where you came from and the bus driver was just so unkind in the way he was explaining it to me and wouldn't stop explaining in a way one would talk down to a child or a degenerate and still explained on while i dug through my purse for the fair and I lost it started my stupid weird hiccup thing that happens when im about to sob uncontrollably. I started to get out of the bus and he yelled to me to come back that it was ok this time but I was already broken and I knew it was already happening and I couldn't let anyone see. It was just that little bit of unkindness that broke me. All the upset I was carrying around and pain came pooling out of me. I found a stair case down some weird alley and just couldn't contain myself. Eventually i got myself together found the money i had been digging through my purse for and took a later bus home. I called cmp and they agreed to give me a little more time to pay my bill. I was feeling a little better and then the eviction notice today is just another thing. I sometimes wonder when things get really messed up if I would be in these situations if I wasn't so fucked up from my past. Would I have let B use me until nothing was left? Or would I have more self worth and not let someone take my value away? I probably wouldn't have became friends with her in the first place. Sometimes... lots of times I find myself incapable of saying no. I can't even be honest with a person if I think it will hurt them sometimes or they will be disappointed. Stupid things all the time like that absolutely mind numbing wrestling the boyfriend likes to watch. I can't tell him i don't like it or don't want to watch it. Physically can't say no to many people. I think if I could stand up for myself I would do a lot better in life. This in particular flashes me back to the memories of my half brother molesting me. Other people were so close, in the next room. All I had to do was yell. I was too embarrassed and ashamed..... Someone is now banging at my door... I can't go see who it is because I'm too afraid of the confrontation of what ever it might be. Who ever wants money from me. I think they are with the rental company too because its a van kind of like a utility van. What more do they want from me? They already left eviction notices at my door. Maybe they want to yell at me in person like that will finally get me to manifest money from the air. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm like a prisoner to my own fears and hold ups.
  7. Dry

    My rent is two months behind. Hooray. Hot water got shut off today. Hooray. The only reason I ate was because my boyfriend bought me lunch. I hate my roommate. She is a spoiled piece of crap. Has never paid for a single utility. I have lost over 5k in the past year at least... by letting her live with me. She is 75% the reason why I am so broke. I'm really trying to get in the mindset of doing the "taboo" work i have talked about. I need to get over the little mind block I have in regards to it. So some people will see me naked. What ever. So basically I will just say it. I do "web camming" ... It actually is lucrative the only thing that holds me up is this lack of motivation to even turn the camera on. I think it has to do with my past. Subjecting myself or something. At first when I did it I told myself it was empowering. I need to make myself get over it and also stop telling myself that I will just need a little alcohol first. Alcohol never helps. It does the opposite. That reminds me, yesterday I got into a big fight with my boyfriend. He's never been that mad at me. I was hung over and started drinking my left over vodka when he was on his way to come see me. He was away for the weekend. It hit me pretty hard and I said some stupid insecure things to him. Something along the lines of "this is our break up weekend"... that I didn't know if he loved me. Ect.. I don't even really remember but he yelled at me and accused me of doing this all the time. Four times to be exact. So all in all I told him I wouldn't drink for a few months. (no way that will happen) I have been pretty light on the SI today. My boyfriend is getting out of work soon so I need to go make myself look like I wasn't just crying a hour ago and I didn't just have the stressful mind F*** of a day I just had.
  8. I Am Trapped Inside

    What a mess my life is. I still haven't found a job. I have a interview this Monday for something kind of hard to get into. I have another Taboo way of making money but even though I am devastatingly broke I can't make myself do it. It's not illegal its just unorthodox. I had planned to do it this weekend but couldn't find the motivation to do anything. Its sexual in nature so I think even though I feel nothing towards it while doing it that I must have a subconscious thing going on. My car got repossessed last week. That was fun. My boyfriend was here when it happened. It was embarrassing and made me sad at the same time. I drank all but a glass of an entire bottle of vodka last night and just mentioning that fact makes me want to go polish off that last glass. I pathetically purchased it with some money that my boyfriend gave me. He gave it to me because he was going away for the weekend and wanted me to have some money in case I wanted to go out to eat. Very sweet of him and I turned around and spent 20 of it on a cheap bottle of pinnacle. He has no idea just how broke I am. I used the rest of it to buy stuff for my dogs and to put some time on my phone and had nothing left for food... You know because Alcohol is more important then food. I started a new SI the other day. The other one wasn't bad enough I needed to add another just to kill myself off just a little faster. I started to think about pursuing things legally against my ex, the person who last abused me by punching me in the face... ect As far as I got with that was writing a Email to the responding officer from that night. Its the only way I have corresponded with her since that night because I gave a fake phone number. Well actually it used to be my phone number but when he snapped my phone in half one night I went so long without bothering to get a new phone that by the time I did get a new one my old number wasn't available. She responded to my E-mail right away saying that she wanted to talk on the phone ...except she doesn't realize she doesn't have my number so I just never responded. I want to respond. There is just this heavy wall between me and doing something about it. Nick didn't contact me these past seven days and it would be easy to just forget except I know one day he is very capable of doing something more. I have been thinking lately that death wouldn't be so bad. Not thinking about killing myself because I wouldn't do that. Just thinking it wouldn't be that bad if I got hit by a car and died or from some kind of freak accident. My dogs would be sad but they would forget me. I would be worried that they wouldn't go to a good home where they could be taken care of and loved as much I love them. They are my biggest love and the most important thing to me. My boyfriend would be sad but we have only been dating less then three months and I don't think he is IN love with me or would really be all that torn up. My father wouldn't know and if he did find out it would probably make him happy and he would rejoice. My mother would be sad but readily accept a new support group and I'm not one of her boys so it would be sad for her but not the end of the world. I think my brothers would care but I doubt any of them would even cry over it. Maybe Richard would he seems to feel some guilt. He was part of my sexual abuse history. maybe he would feel slightly responsible. I am just not the elastic band I used to be. I'm tired and stretched out. I wonder if people get to the point of being so sad, self loathing and disinterested that they just spend the rest of life waiting for the end, hopeful only for the escape of feeling like this.
  9. Life

    Last night my car was repossessed. I have no money and massive bills. I resent my roommate because a lot of this extra financial burden is because of her. I have been searching and searching for a new job. I have slept maybe 12-14 hours in the past 4 days. I'm just too stressed. Surprisingly I am in better spirits then I should be. I'm feeling hopeful at least. The one good thing that's happened this week is that I resolved the OUI. My lawyer was able to talk to the DA and have some of the charges dropped. She dropped the jail time and some of the fine costs. I was really lucky to have her as the DA, she was more understanding of the emotional things I went through and could understand how Nick's threats made me panic and drive off rather then call the police who had already failed to protect me more then once. It turned out much more in my favor then I thought it would. The lawyer I had was really surprising to me, he was very kind and seemed to really care about all the things I went through and am going through with the Ex. He talked more to me about that even though it wasn't his case and gave me the information to contact certain groups he thought could help me. Even told me to call him about it if I am worried and need someone to talk to about it. He was more helpful then the police. It gave me a little hope, maybe hope isn't the right word. It gave me a little confidence that I could pursue this, get justice and stay safe if I take the right steps. It made me hate men a little less because he took the time seemingly because he actually cared that this happened and that Nick is affecting me so much with what he did and how hes threatening me. Sometimes people still surprise me when it is a person I expect to care the least actually shows some kindness. Line up all the people that have crossed my path in the past few months and I can definitely say that a court appointed lawyer for a stupid mistake I made would be the last one I expected to help me. He walked me through the process, warned me about the things that would come up that would make me not want to cooperate with the whole thing and told me why I still should and what I could do to feel more safe. What kind of things to expect from all the different angles. Really just put my mind at ease. I'm off in a little bit to apply in person to every retail place I come across. I'm getting lunch with someone I used to work with and hoping they might know of a place hiring. What a roller coaster of a week. I hope I can keep today's mentality with me through the weekend.
  10. Lots Of Thoughts

    Sometimes I get so stressed out and overwhelmed all I want to do is hide myself up in my room with my dogs. Even when the things I need to do have consequences if I don't do them I still shut down. Even now I'm fighting the urge to close this out and just run away from the world. Sometimes I forget that Jan 11 is the day I ran away from the hell I lived in under my father's roof. This will be the 12th year I think. Maybe that's part of it which is a good thought because then may there is some hope that these feelings will get better. I was scaring myself recently, realizing how indifferent I felt towards death. How it seemed like almost a blessing, a end to a unstoppable struggle. Then I will do something like walk out of a room and see my dogs, the oldest in particular how hes been waiting outside my door and doesn't even go to play until he knows i am near him. I think I must impact other things too and maybe some day I can't be happy and love life. So many things are falling down around me. This is easily the hardest year I have had since my teen years. I'm 26 now. Today I need to call my lawyer. I just went and got his phone number and I'm almost crying and getting anxiety about calling because I don't want to discuss things with him. I just got my bottle of Valerian root which never really helps me that much but its worth a try. I'm trying to stay away from alcohol. So I will take these and try to work up the nerve to call. This all ties in to how I started getting this bad. Last December I met a guy, started a relationship up with him and we both liked to drink. Him more then me but I didn't think much of it as long as he wasn't a alcoholic and didn't get crazy so I started dating him and he quickly became really verbally and physically abusive. He vandalized my car by covering it in feces, through my against the wall literally across the room during one fight, drew blood more then once. It was a lot I don't even know why I wasn't strong enough to just leave him. I think I really have a void so once someone fills it if I don't have a lot of other things then I make them my world. Every time he hurt me alcohol was involved and so when he would promise that was the reason and promise it wouldn't happen again I would let him back into my life. I was also incredibly unhappy and spending all my time with him. The job I absolutely loved and spent 60 hours a week at shut down and he became a large part of my life. What started as drinking on fri/sat night turned into drinking all the time and he drank twice as much as me. Bled my money out of me, took all my time, isolated me from everyone and it was really unhealthy. It escalated in August and he ended up breaking my nose and hurting my ribs and the police got involved. I didn't press charges but my state has strong domestic violence laws and the city it happened in brought it to the prosecutors office and created a restraining order. Nick didn't listen to the restraining order and blamed me didn't even see how any of it was his fault. He terrorized me with threats vandalized my property ect... On the morning of his first court hearing I started drinking because I was just upset about the whole thing knowing he would be pissed off and I didn't cope with it in a healthy way. So I drank a whole bottle of wine. Then the phone call came, he was even more enraged then I thought. Partly because he received copies of everything I told the cops the night he beat me and found out that I told them more then he thought... and because my roommate made a statement against him from the time she watched him launch me across the room. So he threatened to smash my face in and do all these other things so I got in my car and started to drive away from my apartment. There are so many other things I could of done but in that moment none of them seemed as good as getting in my car and driving away. So I did and hit a mail box and then another mail box, thank fucking god no one got hurt. So any way this all led to me being arrested and now facing a OUI, leaving the scene of a accident ect.. My first court date they offered me about 2k in fines and 7 days in jail but I turned the offer down and have to go back to court for it. Its my first offense which normally wouldn't have any jail time so the court appointed lawyer at the first hearing asked the DA to knock the jail time off but she wouldn't because of the other charge making is aggravating circumstances. I'm hoping I don't get jail time and can do community service instead or probation, something other then jail. Please no hate messages, I know a lot of people probably have been affected by someone driving drunk and think I'm a piece of shit. I already know what I did was wrong and already know im a piece of shit.
  11. I Hurt Myself Today

    I'm writing this blog entry as a distraction from something I do ... Well, two things I do that hurt myself. Drinking is one of them, the other one I'm not ready to put into words yet. Oh make that .. three things, the third thing is too twisted to put into words but not physically harming like alcohol and that second one i mentioned. I have already done all three today I usually do two of the three everyday. That second thing though I need to distract myself from doing right now because I already did it when I woke up, midday, evening and now again and it hurts so fucking good. Drinking and the other thing are the two physically harming things I do that bring about fear of repercussion. This is helping though, writing is helping. I'm going to write this and then go to the guitar. I'm teaching myself how to play, "hurt".. I personally love the Jonny Cash version but I love them all. I actually just flirted with the idea of doing this "thing"..This elephant im trying not to look at... and walked away from it! I'm actually proud of this accomplishment. I'm going to write on these forums and learn this music I enjoy, and try my hardest to avoid the temptation of this thing. It hurts and at the same time sets of those pleasure receptors in my brain. It makes no sense for me to like it. It must be more about the control. I can make it hurt as little or as much as i want. I can stop and start it when I want. I can't always feel my emotions but I can make it hurt on the outside. Why does it feel good... I need to stop before it goes too far.
  12. Mostly New

    I have been here for a few weeks, mostly posting to my own personal blog until I felt more comfortable but I think I feel good enough to introduce myself now. I guess I will sign myself Eve there is a reason behind that but Its my reason and I'm not ready to talk about that. So you can call me Eve, I'm 26 though my body and my mind feel much older sometimes. This is hard for me to put myself out there, its the most I have talked about abuse in 11/12 ish years even back then I didn't speak enough of it but since then it has still been there haunting me and I have endured more abuse since, so I guess here I am. A girl that has lived inside her own mind for a very long time and a woman trying to heal the wounds the girl endured. Now that I have started integrating myself I find the words and pain pouring out of me in a way unexpected. Like these thoughts and words have been held back by a dam that has suddenly been knocked down and they are all overflowing at once.
  13. Made It Through The Holiday

    I spent so many years alone on Christmas. I was born into a family that celebrated Christmas and had that whole traditional introduction to this holiday. It wasn't presents that I remember but the feeling of unity that stands out. Decorating with my brothers really stands out for some reason and maybe I liked it because for one day it was expected that everyone would be nice to each other. I first stopped celebrating after my mother decided she didn't want me anymore so I was left behind with my father and my brothers would go to my mothers house. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be her daughter because she could still love them but not me. There was something wrong with me that made her not love me....by that time my father started following a religion that didn't celebrate the holiday so it was a feeling of loneliness and abandonment without my brothers or mother. I remember the first holiday after my mother gave me over to my father, standing outside crying. Crying in my house was weakness and would get you in trouble so I would only cry when and where no one would know. I just felt alone and wanted to be with my brothers even if they didn't want me there and back then i would imagine how happy they must of been and when your 10 its easy to feel left out? The first Christmas after I ran away from the states "care" was especially hard also. I went almost two years with no contact with any of my family, I could of been dead and they wouldn't know any different all they knew was I walked out of a group home and didn't look back. I missed my brothers especially, even though they were cruel to me I still loved them. I missed my younger brother the most. I kept a picture of him and couldn't look at it without crying back then. I never talk about JD because its too hard. Even now I can't stop my heart from feeling like its breaking. JD was my half brother from my fathers youngest wife. I took care of him a lot especially when Susanita couldn't take care of him herself. Even though I was a child myself I guess I kind of raised him in a way until he was five when I left. I forgot until now how much it still hurts to remember him. Even to remember Susanita hurts, I loved her too it hurts to imagine what life must be like if she is still with my father. I have never told anyone the meaning behind what I changed my name to but it has to do with them. Its a memorial that I carry with me.
  14. Bah Hum Bug.

    My history of abuse digs deep in with my childhood and family. I think that's why I hate this time of year. Its all about loved ones sharing time and love with the people close to you. Members of my family did certain things to me when I was young and I have turned out to be this person that is incapable of letting others get close to me. So not only am I lacking a family but I keep my friends at a distance too. I lend my emotional support and love out to them but never take any in return. No one even knows when I am hurting and I never ask for help.. So I make myself alone. It is by twisted ways my own choice and hell I create for myself when I become this sad. I was feeling great earlier... Then my brothers wife said how much she wanted me to go to the Xmas eve party in a message on facebook and I started to cry without control of my tears. I quickly gained composure and just wrote some joke back to her and made some vague promise to be there even though I don't think I will go. A few weeks ago I started talking to a half brother of mine. I always knew he was out there. My father had three children before he met my mother and I always knew they existed and wanted to meet them. Sometimes when I was going through things and wanted to die but was too much of a fighter to give up... I would think about them. What were they like? How they would treat me if they were around. Maybe they were this opposite version of what I had. I envisioned my sister talking to me and spending time with me, us doing things together. Not constantly being hated by the family I had. Growing up my brothers were exceptionally terrible. Not the normal teasing. A cruelty I assume they took up from my fathers example. I don't give them much room there though.. I could say what I have said before that they were young and nature vs. nurture... nurturing plays a bigger role right ? ...and they only were following the example set... But fuck that. This is my anger to have and I don't want to let it go. I went through way worse then they did and I never tortured my siblings cat and made them watch while they were pinned down... I never found pleasure out of watching pain or humiliation. I didn't cover their backs in scars. Don't get me started on Richard, my Mother's first child with another man before she met my father. He was the worse and I'll give my brothers that they didn't do the level of evil as him but at least he is the only one to this day that has said sorry. I know he lives in his own personal hell and probably forgive him more the Ray and Eric. Anyway, there was this world I would go into the safety of my mind. One of the things that saved me when I was little from putting a end to my misery. I would live inside my head in this world where I had these kind siblings that loved me, protected me, liked me.. they were out there somewhere and if I just found them all that pain would be easier. When I was a little older I would tell myself that If I only knew how to find them, they were so much older then me, they would take me in. I could escape. No one would ever talk about them except my grandmother when she was high on morphine.... To be continued or now
  15. The Start Of The End

    I always go into a new relationship with hope. The hope lasts longer in some situations more then others... but there comes THE day. The day I know is the start of the end, endings can take as long as beginnings and middles but once I know there is a impending end there is no escaping it. Tonight was the start of the end of this new relationship im in. I felt it coming and when he walked out the door I knew it in my heart.