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Skyfeather

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Everything posted by Skyfeather

  1. I think you are not alone in how you are feeling about her. If she bullied you there were others and maybe they friended her out of guilt also. It's awful how those bullies keep hold of our memories and continue to sway our actions as adults. I have no attachment and do not feel sorry for her but I feel for you and how that guilt is affecting you. I am going through something similar, but the bullying was more recent than high school. I will simultaneously feel joy and guilt over her current circumstances. It is difficult to let it be. I believe that those bullies in our life were so unhappy t
  2. Skyfeather

    Train Wreck

    Sadness, anger, pain. Your post has brought back memories I want to forget. They are part of my story too. When I read it I see me, who I was. I have no words. No thoughts on how to help with what you are going through now. But I hear you and feel the pain and anger.
  3. I know exactly what you mean about #1. Even out of college, I hear it on the radio, different comedians, and other people in entertainment (mostly male) make jokes about being raped and molested. As a teacher I find it extremely disturbing and as a fellow survivor of rape and molestation I can feel myself dissociate when I hear those kinds of comments. Even on youtube, when someone doesn't like a video. Instead of just leaving it and finding something else they have to comment about how their ears were raped by that artist. It doesn't make sense and they are fools to use langauge so loosely. M
  4. I feel it again. Does it ever go away? I just want to run off and scream. Little things set me off and they are random. I felt it building up Thurs night and by Friday I just lost it in the car. Crying hysterically and I couldn't breathe to calm down. I know when its coming because there is pressure and anxiety pressure in my chest. Today was a wasted day. Nothing done except eating too much to fill the void and numb the pain. Now I am waiting for the drugs to take effect so I can easily fall asleep and forget about this pain. I hate myself for feeling like this! I am trying to be gentle with
  5. Skyfeather

    Lost Memories

    It sounds like you have the kind of friend we all need. I hope the body memories fade quickly for you. I have been having some body pain this last week and thought "well, it can't be from the memories. That would feel different." It's been going on all week so I am not sure. I just want to stop remembering. The pain comes in waves and so does my resolve to heal. I may feel like giving up in the morning on my way to work, and then I hear a song on the radio/CD player and think "I can do this!" Then by the time I get home I just want to curl up in bed again. When does this part end? They say it
  6. Skyfeather

    Lost Memories

    You are very brave for speaking about it. No one should be hating on you, no matter how they feel about abortions. You were in pain. I wish I could tell you how to remember the memories. If I knew then I would do it too to speed up this painful process. I'm sure there are hypnotists out there that say they can help but I am not sure. My T told me that if I attended a group support meeting (a 1 yr commitment) that "all sorts of memories will come up." She has been practicing for over 30 yrs and says when people are able to talk and share with other trauma survivors it awakens the memories. I w
  7. Skyfeather

    A Question

    Thank you! You have made my week. I was feeling so alone. I also had trauma as an adult. My child's father R me and then blamed me for it. I didn't remember the earlier abuse until this last year so every time I was in therapy or getting help it was for when he hurt me. I feel like it is still there, in the background though, even though it is more recent. I don't feel pain about it anymore but I do think about it from time to time. I remembering not crying for years and now it seems like I can cry over anything emotional. You have been a caring friend and I am grateful for your comments. I'm
  8. Skyfeather

    A Question

    Thank You! Misery loves company. I have been finding comfort in other peoples trauma/recovery, especially in literature/movies. When I finally decided that I was going to have a good life, even though I couldn't remember the abuse, was when the abuse memories came. Most of them around Thanksiving. I no longer celebrate that holiday, haven't really for years and now I know why I have an aversion to it. I have found a few songs and books that help me refocus. I feel like I can only handle a little memory at a time. The other day I just felt sad and let myself cry and be a kid, coloring and wa
  9. Skyfeather

    A Question

    I totally get what you are saying! I have been so frustrated lately because I can't seem to remember and after I think I finally have come to terms with a memory, I remember more things and then I question it all again. It is so hard to be patient and relax when you want to heal. Sometimes I am so scared to remember, afraid it will be so terrifying. I am sorry you are going through something like this but I feel relieved to know I am not alone.
  10. I feel upset today. This whole weekend actually. I can't seem to stop eating, a sure sign for me that I am supressing something. I cleaned out my storage, throwing away a lot of items, donating piles and spent time deciding what I wanted to keep. I came across all my old yearbooks from school. I set them aside as I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep them or throw them out. Do people keep them after they are grown up or do they throw them away? I wasn't sure what to do. I enjoy looking through my parents and grandparents (1 book only) from time to time to try to get a better understanding of thei
  11. My heart cried when I read this. So sorry she treated you that way. You deserve better care. I have no other words, just hoping you are ok.
  12. Skyfeather

    A Question

    I have been feeling the same lately. As I began remembering the SA I began questioning when I actually did lose my virginity as well. I remember thinking (during the time I thought I had lost it, as a teenager) "Hmm..that didn't hurt at all. I thought it was supposed to be a bigger deal." That memory combined with what I remember now makes me think I lost it much earlier. I panicked when I came upon this realization. I hope it is not as painful for you. You are not alone and it is a logical question to ask. I think there are more of us here that are asking that question. So sorry you can't rem
  13. When I read your post I felt your strength jumping off the screen! I feel inspired, thank you for posting even though you are having a difficult time. Posts like this help everyone to see that we are all fighting and we are all human and need support. We all have those days, weeks, months that seem to be going downhill at full speed. Standing with you while you fight.
  14. Well, we've had our "meetings" to try and begin progress to resolving some of the issues between the coworker and myself. I have been frustrated the last few weeks because ever since she yelled at me and expressed her anger that way. I do not see her as a safe person anymore. My reaction is to turn and run, avoid her and not talk to her. This makes it difficult to work in a classroom. I have never had this problem with another teacher, we have always been able to resolve our differences for the benefit of the children. This is our main issue, she doesn't see the problems and thinks I overstep
  15. working on the new me

  16. getting over illness

  17. What a wonderful list! I really like that most of these are about taking care of yourself. So often I hear goals about reaching higher ranking levels in society, money, pride and material possessions. Thank you for the inspiration Copper!
  18. I am smiling a huge, teary-eyed smile right now! I love this post. I agree with you that it doesn't matter how young you are, you can feel the intense, all-consuming perspectives that being in love creates in us. Love is healing and I am so happy for you. You deserve it. I can even look back at the one time I was in love when I was young (about 18-19) and say that it was real. Even though I am not with that person anymore I remember that feeling and I do not regret it. Enjoy it and keep winning!
  19. I am so happy to be off of work for a few days, as my coworking environment is very stressful right now. (You can read about it in other posts) Now I just want to curl up on my bed. I do not feel as bad as I did for TGiving. I think that is because most of my childhood Cmas memories are from my immediate family, where the majority of abuse was physical and psychological, not sexual. It is still uncomfortable but not nausea inducing. I have an Uncle who we will see on Cmas day, and an Aunt we will see Cmas eve. These people are generally happy and are not triggering for me. My uncles house may
  20. I'm looking at alot of my triggers now. I discussed some of them at therapy, not even realizing they were triggers when they happened. Knowing that they are when it happens has been helpful for me. The part that is frustrating is that I can't remember where it stems from. I have the behaviors of shutting down, dissociating, and shaking, nausea and crying when someone expresses anger towards me. I know that the way in which they express it makes a difference. My T thinks this stems from a younger age than 7/8, which is when me csa started. So frustrating! What you wrote about fear made me rea
  21. I understand. Your words have brought back a flood of memories from when I was raped. I felt like my boyfriend (at the time) blamed me for it, like it was my fault. He kept asking me why I didn't just run away and he accused me of lying about it. We broke up shortly after that. He was never able to view me out of "the rape". My guess is that your boyfriend probably wants the same thing as you, to have a fresh start. Maybe he is uncomfortable too. I don't know what the solution is for you but I believe that you already know. I am impressed that you are not blaming yourself for all of it. The
  22. taking care of me today

  23. Today was really rough. I am a teacher at a preschool and I have been having trouble with my co-teacher. She is older than me, has no degree in Early Childhood(she has a literacy degree) and is disrespectful to teaching staff and the children. This whole episode started when I questioned her decision about throwing out a children's CD and she began going off on how she is frustrated that we are not on the same page with the children. She blamed me for any misbehavior, saying I was too "Child Directed" in my managing the classroom. She was really angry and sounded hateful. I told her that we sh
  24. So, I've been having trouble sleeping since Aug/Sept. Same time I began having flashbacks. In fact, for the last week I do not remember sleeping at all, it feels like some light naps during the night. I am not someone who takes meds daily but I am ready to give in. I have tried the meds for the Psychiatrist, they have not worked, just made me feel ill the next day. I have tried Melatonin, Kava, and other herbal sleep remedies. They make me tired and feel like I am ready to go to bed but I just lay there. Too tired to move but not able to sleep. I pray and pray to sleep, I am on several prayer
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