Grey054

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About Grey054

  • Birthday May 11

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  • Gender
    Female

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor
  1. Fighting

    I've been fighting half my life. That's a real long time. A real long time to fight when you can't really see what you're fighting for. I know there is a purpose in life. I know there is a purpose for me; but for now I'm just fighting for survival. I'm fighting but all the while I don't really know how long I'll last. I've had that thought in my head since I started my fight; an understanding that I wouldn't make it. It's an idea that I came to terms with a long time ago. Yet I'm still here. It feels surreal. I rationalize in my mind, that I would not have made it as the person I used to be - that I’ve become stronger and I have love and support, and that somehow I'll make it. I've even made plans for my future, entertaining ideas and desires. I'm the strongest that I've ever been - yet I feel my heart slipping; wanting to give up. It is slowly breaking. So many times I have wanted to reach out. A few times I even tried. But when the unwanted responses come, I'm thoroughly displeased. More than that, I hated myself a little more. I hated myself for being weak enough to think maybe they can help - and there is a small voice in my head that says I told you so; talking was a mistake. Don't do it again! The response that I want has never come because I can't tell them the problem. The response I want: A tight embrace. Silence if necessary. Don't tell me to let it go, because it's not bitterness or hurt that I hold on to. What I fight every day does not come in the form of something releasable. Don't give me a solution because you are not an expert. There is no way that you know better than I do. I know how to cope with this; I've been doing it half my life. Tell me it was wrong. Tell me I'm still valuable. Tell me you love me. Don't tell me you feel my pain, but feel for me; tell me it's okay to hurt. Don't tell me I have to be strong because that's all I've done through my fight. Tell me it's okay to be weak. Tell me I can heal. It's time for me to heal. I don't have another option. If I don't heal I'll break.