[What Did You Do For You Today?]

I worked really hard last week, so I bought a tablet for photoshop. Hopefully I can express myself through art as well as working on simple web design projects. I also got poster-putty type stuff to hang art on my bedroom walls to make it feel less like a "prison I trapped myself in" and more like my personal space.

[What Did You Do For You Today?]

I put up some new curtains and purchased some art for my walls.

[Hello]

Hi Lize4.
Thank you for sharing with us. I had a similar childhood and I'm so so sorry for the pain you must be going through.

-NHBB

[I'm Here.]

Thank you for the warm welcome, Paula.

[I'm Here.]

Thank you jenz1004. I'm glad I found it, too.

[I'm Here.]

Thank you. reglois. I'm re-reading what I wrote this morning. Being able to say "I'm here." Is important to me. When I was raped, I kept feeling like "I'm not here." and staring at the ceiling. I remember a lot about the ceiling. And my parents instead of taking care of me, blamed me for everything. My father beat me and my mother liked to throw things and remind my sister and I that we were worthless.

[I'm Here.]

I've looked at the welcome section and walked away from the computer a few times, but this is something I need to do for me. I've always been more interested in trying to help other people than help myself. I'm extremely sensitive and empathetic- but I've had a childhood full of verbal, emotional and physical abuse. I was raped as a teenager.

I realize I need help and that believing what my parents told me is wrong. They were wrong about me and I need to accept that deep down I was just a little girl who was eager to please. I needed love, help and nurturing.

I sometimes feel toxic and that things are my fault. My rational mind knows that this isn't true, but there is this disgusting pit I feel in my stomach that I think I'll somehow suck the world into? I don't know how crazy this sounds, but all I do is blame myself.... all the time.

-K

[Long Term Affects]

It can be hard to make sense of it all. I don't think I'll ever make sense of it all. Sometimes it helps me if I think of the younger version of myself as someone else. (sounds weird, but we tend to punish ourselves more than we ever would to someone else)

Think about that little girl as if she wasn't you. The one who was hurt and abused. If she came to you and told you what happened, what would you say to her?
I know what I'd say to her. It's not your fault, it's not what you deserved, and I'm very sorry your mother did not protect you, but I will. You have a voice and you deserve to be heard and loved.

I'm glad you're here because your story is similar to mine as far as a parent not providing the protection they were supposed to.

Stay strong. Be heard.